Cardinal Borgia: "Bernie the Pimp" is Dead

Gates of Hell swing open to receive Bernard Cardinal Law...
This column is satire - Get over it!

My Children,

It has been a long while since you've heard from your old friend Cardinal Borgia but the time is ripe...

Wednesday, December 20, 2017 the Gates of Hell Swung open as death finally came to Bernard Cardinal Law.  His Eminence was the very epicenter of the child molestation scandal that rocked the American Catholic Church in the 1990's, with damage so severe that it remains irreparable to this day.

"Bernie the Pimp", as the protest signs used to read, will be remembered not only for his initial denials of and refusal to address the harm done by his priests - but also for later discoveries of how deeply involved he was in reassigning known pedophiles to new parishes after they were supposedly "cured" by some rehab program for child-molesting priests.  Really?  There were actually "programs' for child-molesting priests but the church didn't recognize it had a problem?

Thanks to the "Spotlight" team at the Boston Globe, the whole mess came out.  When things got too close to Bernie, the late Pope pulled him back to a safe sinecure the Vatican - far away from the arm of American justice.  Bernie kept his Cardinal's hat, which provides a certain degree of diplomatic immunity as a "Prince of the Church".

And there Bernie remained, a respected elder statesman of the Church, until his mortal clock ran down and Death dragged him off to the flames.

Nothing can ever mitigate the damage done by Cardinal Law and his legion of pedophiles - no prayers, no "justice", no lawsuit can cure what these monsters did.  If you do believe in God, let's hope that God gives His Eminence the eternal punishment he so richly deserves.

My children, we absolutely pray today for the soul of "Bernie the Pimp" - we pray that this twisted, remorseless soul receives every torment that Hell hath to offer for all eternity.

Sanctimoniously yours,

Cardinal Borgia


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