"Minion Report" from Bourne Police Department

We liked the one about "Evel Knievel’s doppelganger"

Another of Bourne Police Department's informative and entertaining "Minion Reports"...

Good morning to all of our friends out there in Facebook Nation. While the calendar claims that it is summer, you could have fooled me. The high temperature around here was a balmy 50 degrees. We almost had to close the high speed zipline due to icing. Brrrr. It’s been awhile but I finally found a few minutes in the day to check in with the Minions here at the inn for all reasons. Everyone’s favorite B&B by the sea. I may have been lax these past few months as far as my literary adventures on the inter-web but the minions have continued their busy pace here at the gateway to Cape Cod.

Over the last ten days, our mobile minions have investigated 59 different incidents. That is, 59 different times they have had to put quill to paper and work the old rotary dial phones trying to ferret out the answers. They also investigated twelve different attempts to alter the laws of physics. Those attempts usually involved two or more steel and plastic jalopies intersecting at random points across town. Now that I think about it however, maybe not so random. These physics experiments tend to happen at our own versions of the Bermuda Triangle, otherwise known as rotaries. You know what I’m talking about. Those circles where driver etiquette disappears on a daily basis. Speaking of driver etiquette, our mobile minions had to remind the motoring public about the rules of the road 461 times. Those reminders come complete with a carbon copied souvenir card. The minions also had to remind folks attempting to park their jalopies where they shouldn’t about the error of their ways by using our bright orange greeting cards, customarily displayed on windshields around the town, 32 times this past week.

For those of you just tuning in, not only do our minions patrol the streets of our fair town, they also provide rooms for those wayward souls who have diverged from the straight and narrow path. Our wonderful little cement chalet has been featured in such journals as Felon’s Weekly and Jailhouse News, receiving five star reviews. Over the last week or so, we have provided accommodations for no less than sixteen new or returning guests. As with any inn, our guests come to us for many different reasons prior to moving on to the district inns for the county to continue their journeys.

We saw several guests come to us after their driving skills, or lack thereof, brought them to the attention of one of our black and silver prowl cars. Once these folks have been stopped and engaged in conversation, it often times becomes apparent that they may not have a valid license to operate their horseless carriage on our highways and byways. Usually it isn’t their first rodeo in regards to driving unlicensed either. That was how it went with six of our guests this week, two of which actually had active rainchecks for the same offense from one of our sister inns. Rainchecks are our polite way of saying arrest warrant for those new among you. This week also saw a young lady who just had to have something from a local gift store. She wanted a few trinkets from her visit and somehow they fell into her purse on the way out of the store. She was given a room at the inn for trouble.

This week also saw several folks who felt the need to get behind the wheel of their iron steed after consuming some magical herbs and spices and trying to navigate their way home. The clear front runner in this category was the gentleman who stopped his car at a local gas station and apparently thought it was a good idea to take a nap in the middle of the parking lot. When the mobile minion knocked on his window, saw his collection of powdery rocks and homemade smoking instrument, he screamed and took his foot off the brake. This was especially scary because the car was still in drive. Once the car was securely parked, he was removed from his vehicle and placed in one of our courtesy shuttles for transport to the inn where he was given the Andy Griffith suite for the night. Our guest of the week shout out goes to Evel Knievel’s doppelganger. He was attempting to drive home after sampling some of Friar Tuck’s mead. Somewhere along the way, he allegedly took out a helpless mailbox and then tried to leap a stone wall. His record setting attempt was thwarted however, when he struck the phone pole behind the wall. He did apparently stick the landing jumping from his impaled SUV in his attempt to continue his journey on foot. He didn’t make it far as the mobile minions were hot on his trail and caught up to a short distance away. He received the full red carpet treatment, including a photo shoot and finger-painting session prior to being shown to his suite for the night.

Well, I guess I have been a little long-winded so I’ll wrap it up for now. The weather looks to be a little more summer like coming up so get out and enjoy it when you can. Have a great week and as always, let’s be careful out there.


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