Ahhhh... the 3rd of July is here, and the 4th is tomorrow. That means that you had better get your bad self ready for lots of parades, fireworks, barbecue and Get Happy Juice.
America is kind of funny in that we celebrate our independence by getting drunk in dense crowds and hurling explosives about. Build a giant bonfire? Sounds like a good idea! A terrorist bombing of the Boston Marathon variety would go unnoticed at any respectable 4th of July party, and- if noticed- might actually be cheered until the people saw casualties.
My celebration place of preference has always been Duxbury Beach. Duxbury allows bonfires, and the wealthy residents usually get someone up to New Hampshire... and he comes back with enough gunpowder to storm Normandy. While that's getting set up, someone else is rounding up all the scrap wood in the neighborhood (via storms and the gentrification of the Irish Riviera, there is always a great deal of construction going on at Duxbury Beach) to build a 2-3 story bonfire.
Last year, they added fire balloons. Yes, like the ones the Japanese used to attack Cascadia with in WWII. Our own particular aerial assault targeted wherever the wind was blowing... which, last year, meant the unsuspecting neighboring village of Brant Rock.
While we don't expect you to wage undeclared war on whatever town is downwind of you, you probably should try to make an appearance at either a fireworks show or a parade. These are times of war, and you don't want the neighbors questioning your Patriotism. Besides, you might get laid!
I tend to skip Boston, even before going there became dangerous... er. The fireworks are usually lit up to Tchaikovksy's 1812 Overture. The 1812 Overture has nothing to do with America's War of 1812... it was written by a Russian to celebrate the repulse of Napoleon from the Motherland. The song actually refers to a loss Russia suffered. If your birth certificate says "Rouen" on it, you probably lost a great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather or three in that war.
Anyhow, here is the best schedule I can assemble on short notice. Events are subject to weather-based delays, remember.
- "Hats Off To Chatham" 4th of July Parade, Main Street, Chatham, 8 AM
- Bourne 4th of July Parade, 10 AM, Main Street, Buzzards Bay
- Barnstable Fourth of July Parade, 9 a.m. Thursday, Barnstable Village, Route 6A.
- Hyannis Port parade... starts 11 AM, at Hyannis Port Post Office, ends at West Beach Club. There's a road race at 9 AM, also starting in front of the PO.
- Hyannis Boat Parade, boats assemble 1 PM, Hyannis Yacht Club, best viewed from Ocean Street at Hyannis Harbor.
- Centerville... parade stats at 10 AM, at Centerville Elementary, ends at Centerville Recreation Department.
- Nantucket.... Thursday, Main Street. 9:45 a.m.: national anthem, steps of Pacific Bank, 61 Main St. 10 a.m.: Dunk tank, Union Street. Watermelon contest at fountain off Main Street. Facepainting, 30 Main St.,Tea Toss and Uncle Sam bean bag toss, 25 Main St., Pie-eating contest, 46 Main St., Puppet Show, Methodist Church 11 a.m. Bike decoration contest on Federal Street, 11:45 a.m.: Water fight between town of Nantucket firefighters and Boynton Lane Fire Reserves. 5-6 p.m.: beach games. 9 p.m.: Fireworks show
- Orleans Parade, 10 a.m. Thursday, Eldredge Park Way to Route 6A, Main Street and Route 28, finishes at EP
- Spirit of Sandwich parade... 10 AM, Wing School. Road race, 0830 AM
- Falmouth Bike and Carriage Parade, 10 AM, Main Street
- Woods Hole parade,11:30 AM, Water Street
- Provincetown... 11 AM, Snail Road, up Commercial Street
- Cotuit, 11 AM, starts at the Post Office.
- - 15th Annual Town of Barnstable Fourth of July Parade, 4 p.m. Main Street, Hyannis. Theme: "Main Street USA." starts at intersection of Ocean and Main streets to South Street. patriotic songs on village green until 6:30 p.m. Local band Jo & Co performing 7 p.m.-dusk at Aselton Park before fireworks
- Edgartown's Parade, 5 p.m. Thursday, Main Street.
- Falmouth Fourth of July fireworks, 8:45 p.m. Thursday, Falmouth Heights Beach, Grand Avenue.
- Nantucket Fourth of July Fireworks, 9 p.m. Thursday,off Jetties Beach. Rain Date: July 5. 508-228-0925.
- Edgartown Fourth of July Fireworks, 9 p.m. Thursday, Edgartown Harbor. Rain date: July 5.
- Provincetown Forth of July Fireworks, 9 p.m. Thursday, MacMillan Pier.
- Barnstable Fourth of July Fireworks, 9 p.m. Thursday, Lewis Bay, Hyannis
- July Fourth Boat Parade, 9 p.m. Thursday, Shawme Pond, Sandwich.
- Onset Fireworks, 8:30 p.m. July 6, Onset Beach
- Mashpee Picnic and Fireworks 5 p.m., Tuesday, July 9, Mashpee High School.
- Sandwich Fireworks, 10 p.m. July 12, Sandwich High School, Quaker Meetinghouse Road.
Boston, July 4th
Halifax, July 4th, 9 PM
- Plymouth..parade, 9 AM (?), fireworks, 9 PM