Let's Name Dat Royal Bay-Bay!

Future King Of England Born Today.....

Fans of the Royal Family all across the world rejoiced as Princess Kate Middleton had herself a shorty this afternoon. The baby boy is an heir to the British throne. The father is Prince William, the son of Charles and Diana.

The fresh prince was 8 pounds and 6 ounces, a tad less than half a stone. He arrives in this realm as the Prince of Cambridge, and his upside is huge. He's third in line for the throne. Once the right people die, everything he wears is King size.

It's good to be King. The current Queen is worth, according to Forbes, about $420 million... and that doesn't include things that are essentially-hers-but-owned-by-England, like Buckingham Palace (think somewhere between Obama not actually legally owning the White House and LBJ's response to a soldier who told him that the helicopter he was getting on wasn't his: "They're all my choppers, son."). She has hundreds of thousands of acres of land, castles, estates, and so forth, conservative estimated recession worth of about $150 million. Her art/jewels/horses/furniture are worth $110 milly. The rest of that CREAM is in stocks/bonds/investments.

This kid, if he gets the throne, will be worth even more. He'll also be the Most Eligible Bachelor on the planet right around when he hits puberty, even if he has one of those inbred birth defects that royal families get (I was reading this earlier, and his mom and pop are 8th cousins, once removed) and he ends up with that ghastly Habsburg Chin. Mom's a regular MILF, however, so the goofiness will be inerited from the Prince.

His power is titular, and he is mostly something for tourists to gawk at. Kings have been somewhat neutered since the Magna Carta, and especially since around 1700 or so. He will one day be the commander-in-chief of the nation's military, but that- like most everything else he does- will be largely ceremonial. As a royal, his very word will have great political weight. Due to the yuk-yuk-yuk nature of the Anglican church, this kid is also probably going to be the head of that one day, too. The monarchy is a hereditary title that goes back to the King Of Angles, who I'm told was a bad guy to shoot pool against. I'm not sure if he still can exercise droit du seigneur.

Still, just for comparison, know that Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands is worth $3.2 billion, mostly through an oil company her family owns a fat stake in. Other heavy hitters include the Sultan of Brunei at twenty billion oil-soaked dollars, King Fahd of Saudi Arabia at $18 billion, and the King of Thailand at a whopping $30 billion. Those limeys are getting off cheap.

The baby doesn't have a name as of 8 PM, so we thought that Cape Cod might want to pitch in. The bookmakers favor George or James (Charlotte and Elizabeth were the leading names if Kate popped out a princess), but all that matters is what Kate thinks... and A) she isn't talking, and B) she comes from a family that thinks "Pippa" is a good name for a white girl.

I'd personally go with "Arthur."

Here's what I could come up with over some Sour Diesel with friends:








Lil' Willy


Edward Longstroke






Jesus (we prefer the Spanish, shortstop-style pronounciation, but it's Kate's call)

"Big" Dick Windsor




T. Boone

Actual first name: King, Prince, Baron, Lord, etc... I suppose "Prince" is taken


Bay Bay King

El Cobusto





Bamm Bamm



Jean Claude Van Prince




"Jolly" Roger


Will Dub


"Fresh" Prince

Allah Jr.


If you think you can do better, feel free to show and prove in the comments section.

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