Attention Bargain Shoppers...

I made the mistake earlier this week to venture into Hyannis[1], and, as has been the tradition, was told[2] by my daughter to go to the carousel in the mall.  This is what I dislike so much about this time of year.  It was a rainy Monday afternoon, so trying to find a parking space was more difficult than recounting Dennis Miller’s career after Monday Night Football.

I started to think about all of the “bargain stores” that have become so popular today, like Target[3], Wal-Mart, and K-mart. Finally, I recalled the one place that is the epitome of bargain shopping in New England.  A place where testosterone is turned into scented candles.  None other than: 

Christmas Tree Shops.

You name it, you can buy it here.  Picture frames? Yup.  Snow blower? Sure thing.  Winter gloves?  You betcha, of course they only have three fingers.

Christmas Tree Shops distorts what normal consumers view shopping as.  No one goes to Christmas Tree Shop with a list.  They go in for one item, and then get sucked into the vortex of cheaply-made, off-brand merchandise[4].  You were told that this would be a good place to get inexpensive garlic powder[5], or a jumbo bag of Goldfish crackers[6].  Next thing you know, you are convincing yourself that you do need a special snow-shovel drying rack[7].

         If only the funny line from "Rain Man" was about Christmas Tree Shops.             

 

It’s hilarious to watch people in the store.  As I said before no one has a list, or has any organization to their attack of the store.  They wander the aisles aimlessly, like a dog on mushrooms.

They do sell furniture and home décor items there.  You only make that mistake once[8].  Their furniture is a lot like the stuff at Ikea.  Only instead of wood or particle board, they build it with wet cardboard.  Economists are puzzled how prices can be so low here.  The first five items you see, you are shocked at the value. 

Picture frames for $1.99?!

Car Batteries for $2.49?!!?!

Then you spot something for $7.99 and you are disgusted at the “markup.”     

Why did they name the stores “Christmas Tree” Shops? You know what you do with a Christmas Tree?  After one month you have to take it to the dump, burn it in your yard, or leave it on the side of the highway.  Thus explains all of the Christmas Tree Shop dining room chairs with three legs on the median of Rte 495.

When family visits, we oblige and accompany them to “that marvelous place.”  Then, somehow three items for $1.99 each turned into $50.  Joke is on us though, because they keep building new locations[9].  So let us spread the word that these stores must cease to exist!  It is not a “good buy” if it breaks before you make it to the checkout line.  

Therefore, I exclaim today that I will never again enter one of these horrid stores!

Oh, wait...

 

Nevermind.  I just found a 20% off coupon.  I’ll just run in for a couple things.

 

-Grumpy Boy out.

 

 



[1] Aka “Brockton by the sea.”

[2] She tells me what to do.  It’s not, “Daddy, can we…” but rather “Daddy, now we will…”  Just another woman in my life telling me what to do.

[3] The Cape definitely needs one of these.

[4] Look kids! It's Jora, the Eastern-European Explorer!!

[5] Made from no garlic whatsoever.

[6] Due to Trademark issues, they re-branded the crackers as “Silverfish.”  Bad move.

[7] Only $4.99.

[8] Or in my case, five times.

[9] We must stop this hideous creature from respawning!

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