What would I change after losing my husband, Richie and my daughter, Lori, from their alcohol and drug abuse? I’ve been asked that question numerous times.
I would have let the laundry wait until I had a cup of coffee to ask Richie and Lori how their day went the night before. Who were they with? Did anything unusual happen?
I would have taken the time to sit down calmly and talked about what the family went through with them coming home in a blackout; talking about Richie’s actions bringing fear and confusion into the family, especially his two young daughters. I would have mentioned the abuse he was starting with me physically and mentally on his daughters. There would have been no fights or yelling talking to him. I would have stopped the enabling and possibly helped him.
I would have made demands the first time problems started to show. If he had no desire to get professional help, I would have protected our children instead of him. If the family does not make rules and forbid any abusive or mental actions within the family, we innocently drag the substance abuser deeper into their addiction and damage our family members for life.
So, my advice the day after an event of confusion and fear is to have tried harder to communicate. Ignoring the situation makes everyone think that the alcoholic life is normal.
Most importantly, I would have told them I loved them more often and wrapped my arms around them to show instead of telling. I would have let them know I didn’t hate them, it was the disease I hated.
Purchase books: www.amazon.com/author/albertasequeira
Wow, they want me to give up my friends. Are they nuts? What is there to do besides being with them? So we get high. Who are we hurting?
It sure isn’t easy, especially if they are making fun of you or your trying to go straight. No matter how old we get, name calling and being made fun at is still a knife in your heart.
YOU have to think of what you will gain when you walk away. Sometimes, we have to leave friends and family to go in another direction..a healthy one. If you don’t, you won’t have a life. Yes, it can happen to any of us.
The more you use, the more you want. The more you want, the closer you come to death!
Ask yourself and answer these questions honestly. No one will know your excuses but you. Think about it. Are they excuses to put your life in danger?
Why are you drinking or using drugs? Are you following your friends or the crowd? Are you trying to fit in? How many people in your family through generations have been trying to battle this disease. Did some members die? Do you feel you are on the same path as they traveled?
Is drinking causing problems in your life? Think about it. Are the fights, arguing, bills mounting up, no interest in the family anymore, lost your job, home, car being repossessed, lost your kids to other family members to bring up, finding excuses to fight so you can walk out of the house to join your friends, feel like no one understands you but your drinking friends, stop off for “one” drink which leads into an all-nighter, do you come home drunk and look for fights, are you getting abusive with your mate, are you in too many fights, are your children scared of you, did you lose your past friends that you enjoyed being around, are you avoiding family because of having to explain your actions, feel smothered by parent’s questions, had car accidents after drinking, been arrested for the event, been in jail too many times for your actions while drinking, living on the streets, have you developed the fear to go out into the public and hide at home, or do you have past hurts you can't face without your habit to feel numb?
Wow! I can go on with pages of problems. SUBSTANCE ABUSE BECOMES A PROBLEM, WHEN IT CAUSES PROBLEMS!! Become aware of it. STOP BEFORE YOU CAN'T. Swallow your pride and ask for professional help before your family has to burying you!
Have you felt hopeless with ever getting known or with your writing? I’m at that stage. You call, email, send personal queries, introduction letters, and even walk into bookstores or libraries to have the chance to book sign. Do you run to check emails, or jump with excitement when the phone rings, only to realize your information to someone has gone dead?
Wow! How do we keep going? Since 2007, this is the first time with writing my new fictional book that I’ve been off the computer not doing any work on it for four months. We did move to another building in our complex and I had eye surgery. But, getting to the excitement to continue is a struggle.
My new book The Rusty Years is to be a trilogy. The first book is completed and the other two are in drafts almost done. Sent queries out 6-9 months ago to romance, women’s fiction, and other publishers or agents with my information and nothing has arrived.
Since I have done all my books in Create Space, that will most likely be my next move. I had truly hoped for a publisher with this book. It felt different than all my memoirs or Narrative Non-Fiction. I had a shock last week finding out that Create Space will NO LONGER help a writer get their book(s) into their site or even give advice if you run into a problem. If you do need help, they offer three companies…you have to pay, to help you set your book up.
That adds up to another thing being taken off a writer or author…..our money. Everything is about making “money” for everyone but the author who has worked their hearts out to get published. Every company eats off our royalties.
All these new changes are fine if you work and make “money.” Being retired, is a downfall. We struggle enough to save for our medication, food, gas, or other important things. This year, the raise in Social Security with an added $2.00 a month has not helped me.
I’m not complaining, but talking openly about the author's roadblocks that face us all. There has to be some wonderful, exciting, new stories to pull at our reader’s hearts or give educational advice that go under the rug and never seen.
So, to me, the goal is try to get the manuscript correctly into Create Space and set my mind to the steps of just getting the book out there. Miracles happen and maybe, just maybe, the book will be noticed.
Years ago, I read about a male author who saved himself the headache of everything I mentioned and just put his 23 books into Kindle....ebooks. He put no money out, skipped the publishers and agents, no need to wait 2 years for his work to get into the public’s eye or run from one festival to another. Smart man. If his work is worth it, and the ratings of his book goes up, someone of importance will notice it. That’s a good way to stop stress. If the Kindle goes well, then a publisher could put it into book form.
Just venting this morning. I hope someone else related to my words.
Have a great day!
Here is a book, not only for the substance abusers, but for family members, society, doctors, and counselors to learn, not only what the addict is looking for with support to help them through with their recovery, but new ways to help the addicted. You will learn that childhood emotional wounds mold us into what we become in adulthood.
What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict is a book of personal stories by thirty-four alcoholics and drug users from all walks of life. The first few years of recovery in substance abuse contain numerous pitfalls which addicts in recovery must have the right kind of help with. The best-intention of friends, family, lovers, and co-workers can be healthy supports or obstacles to long-term sobriety. Addicts sharing their experience, strength, and hope with others is something that only a recovering addict or alcoholic can do. It is a unique gift.
This book contains the testimonies of individuals who were or are actively in a recovery program and wanted to share their habit and actions with their struggles trying to overcome their own addiction. Their main goal is to help others who are fighting with their recovery and sobriety. These are their own stories on how their addiction led to the devastation of losing control of their life, family, friends and the death of other family members from this disease we call Alcoholism. Their desire is to lift other substances abusers, especially young people, in learning the reality that it’s not that drinking and taking drugs may, could or would kill. It will.
Hopefully, the heartfelt honesty from the participants will help doctors and counselors to use their stories for their own study on what may be missing in the treatment methods. The personal testaments within What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict is an added tool as to how people are affected, and how they suffer long-term drinking habits from living in an active alcoholic family.
As one contributor wrote, “I was tired of getting sick, my hands shaking, my vision deteriorating, my nose bleeding, my bowels moving sporadically, the violence and running from many situations being paranoid to the point of staying home all day (I had a job, a husband, family), not sleeping and not feeling safe.” What alcoholic or addict is not going to relate to these emotions?
From the Author, Alberta Sequeira
I want substance abusers to know these important messages in my book:
Choices: The word is powerful. Realize the meaning when you are faced with taking that other drink or buying that drug down the street. Choices, if someone calls you to go to his or her party with alcohol or drugs.
Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future. Stop hanging out with those who have no desire at all to recover.
First, you can do this. You can recover. Think it in your mind and want it more than life itself in your heart.
Get rid of the garbage in your life by talking to counselors or doctors. It’s a step to healing.
It takes more for a person to ask for help than the ones too scared to take the step and keep on the same “death” path.
Forgive the person who hurt you. You don’t have to keep them in your life. Give it up to God for Him to heal you. Forgiving moves you toward recovery. Let it go.
I learned writing this book that family can only love and support the addict. They have to do the work to recover. They have to want it.
I had the contributors write their feelings in this book with their struggle with reaching sobriety because I wanted to know what happened to my husband, Richie and my daughter, Lori. What did they need from me that I didn’t supply?
I want families and substance abusers to realize the mistakes I made along the way.
From the Inside Flap
This book was written by individuals who were or are actively in a recovery program and wanted to share their habit and actions with their struggle trying to overcome their own addiction. Their main goal is to help others who are fighting with their recovery and sobriety. These are their own stories on how their addictions led to the devastation of losing control of their life, family, friends and the death of other family members from this disease we call Alcoholism.
Their desire is to lift other substances abusers, especially young people, in learning the reality that it’s not that drinking and taking drugs may, could, or would kill; they will.
Hopefully, the heartfelt honesty from the participants will help doctors and counselors to use their stories for their own study on what may be missing in the treatment methods. The personal testaments within What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict are an added research as to how people are affected, and how they suffer from long-term drinking habits, and from living in an active alcoholic family.
What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict may become a learning process for family members to develop the awareness of what the substance abusers are asking for with their support system and recovery programs in order to overcome their addictions. The written statements are a start for all of us to understand the physically and mentally pain alcoholics and addicts are battling. Let us unite together as a family and society to combat this affliction.
From the Back Cover
Do you ever wonder why some alcoholics and drug addicts recover and put their lives together while others die from this horrible worldwide problem? What gives them the physical and mental strength to fight this battle and come out winning? These questions, and the author’s tragedy to losing her husband and daughter from their alcohol abuse encouraged this writing.
You will learn from thirty-four contributors that childhood emotional wounds mold us into what we become in adulthood.
What do they say, “One Day at a Time?” What about “One Hour at a Time, “One Moment at a Time?” I call them baby steps. It’s like crossing over a bridge with pieces of wood missing and going slowly and fearfully, but what a reward making it to the other end. Life can be the same way.
It’s so easy to stay in the pit of no hope when we allow fear to take over, even when you know it could lead to your death. The other side is waiting for you to travel over to reach the spot.
The unknown is the scary part. Life is about growing and taking chances. It’s about taking our mistakes and turning them into something wonderful. It’s taking a raining, dark, depressing day, and coming to life when the sun and warmth overtakes it.
Giving up drinking friends, the comfortable social times, the highs, even the hangovers, watching your day come and go with nothing worthwhile achieved but staying stuck, can win over your decision not to change because you’re in a familiar place. You’re already there. You know from your past experiences what the outcome will be, even if it’s bad.
But changing, going over to the other unfamiliar side of life, the struggle to get there, asking for forgiveness, proving yourself, asking for help, confessing your mistakes, opening up your soul to your past hurts and fears to a stranger, is like taking your heart out. Sharing your past out loud makes you anxious and panicky. That’s the healing process. Get the garbage out. That’s a step to recovery.
Think of your way of life as being the disease that needs an operation to fix it. When you can’t stand the discomfort any longer, you seek professional help from a surgeon. You’re happy you had the surgery, but now you face and dread the pain from the removal of the disease. It’s a long road to recovery. Maybe, you need rehab to bounce back, months of healing. No one looks forward to going towards the suffering, so you stay with the disease to only get sicker until the disease can kill you.
Think of the results, if you say, “Yes.” You can look back and say, “It was a nightmare, torture, but I did it.” You can now return back to being healthy. You’re on a new path. Making a change is better than staying stuck. It takes more of a person to ask for help than one who refuses to change.
No one can do it for you. Stop waiting for them to come along and solve your addiction or having that miracle pill to take instead of you doing the work. The thing you don’t see is that you have the ability to do it. Maybe you need someone to tell you or to read it in a book.
I’m here to say, “You can do it.” Believe in yourself and God. Turn to your Higher Power. Give it all up to Him. You’ll never be alone. Don’t worry if you don’t feel the change or see it. We are weak humans who want our prayers answered immediately and how we want the result. Change comes when God feels you are ready and what direction you should take. The transformation will happen when you least expect it. Maybe you will be on the path of recovery and not realize it until you are in the middle of the results.
Most important: Don’t give up on yourself.
You are always in my prayers.
There are no words I can put on paper with this kind of loss. Only the families who have gone through all this understand, especially, if it’s not the first member to die from this horrible, worldwide disease.
I read the newspaper articles about who died from alcohol or drug abuse, read the result led to the user being killed in a car accident, or worse, took an innocent person’s life from having been at the wrong place at the wrong time. I saw it on television or maybe I heard it from a friend.
Yes, my heart went out to all of them, but I went back to my daily, safe routine in life. I felt a protective bubble around me and those events would never hit my family because we lived without alcohol or drug abuse in our home….or so I thought. Users hide their addiction so well, or after I became an outright enabler, keeping blinders on, I could have won an award for living in denial myself. Even after losing my husband, Richard, (his story in Someone Stop This Merry-Go-Round)I thought Lori’s drinking was a stage.
My thought was once she graduated from The Dighton Rehoboth High School in Rehoboth, Massachusetts, her actions would stop. They did. She married and had a son and daughter. She was always happy and a wonderful mother. All her friends flocked to our house for the fun. I knew where she was. Her sister, Debbie, was four years older and seemed to have her life together. Lori was the life of the party. She loved family and life itself.
Things happen slowly in our lives to the point of not noticing something isn’t right. Maybe we fool ourselves into thinking our lives are normal. It wasn’t until, Lori was thirty-seven years old that we all learned she never stopped her teenage drinking and was also into drugs. How did I miss it? She never came home drunk or talked back. She was always loving.
I wrote the sequel Please, God, Not Two: This Killer called Alcoholism, after losing Lori, hopefully, to help other family members to take notice as soon as you see there is a problem. When is it a problem? As soon as it causes problems. Take notice to when the arguments start and why. Is it every time they come home from parties, drinking, or being in the wrong crowd?
Don’t become your child’s friend, be a parent. We don’t hate them from the frustration of their actions causing confusion, fear, or abuse. We hate the disease because we can’t stop it. They have to do the work to desire the want to recover. If they are under eighteen, pull them out of school, even without their consent or happiness over it. They can alway go back to school, but they can’t come back once they are buried.
Read my book and learn all the mistakes I did without the knowledge I have today losing Richie and Lori. It’s too late for me, but not you!
It’s so true when they say, “It might happen if your in the right place, at the right time, with the right person.”
I’m still looking!! I listened to Steve Harrison on his talk show by telephone and he advised, “get yourself out there, get seen, talk about your book more than yourself.” My goal started in 2006 with my first book publication on A Spiritual Renewal; a Journey to Medjugorje.
Since then, I opened myself up with becoming a co-founder to Authors Without Borders (www.awb6.com), meet monthly with our group for upcoming events, contributed stories for other books, spoke at halfway homes, rehabilitation centers, court-ordered programs, libraries, senior centers, became a co-host, producer, and director to the NBTV 95 Cable television shows, been interview numerous times at cable shows, newspapers, go directly into jails about every two months to talk to the inmates, attended numerous book festivals for years, given talks at schools and universities, write for blogs, and the list can go on.
First, I did all this because I loved it, and second, to be seen with Steve Harrison saying the difference with a good and bad author is: one is happy to just sell the book, while the others push to get ahead and do other things.
I’m not crying to you, but showing how HARD it is to get known. It’s something you have to do every single day, and if you work, it’s worse. With disappointing movement to get ahead, and at least get your name known, it can drain you. Suddenly, you want to give up.
Where am I know in 2018? Writing my first fictional and telling myself to keep publishing with Create Space because it’s also disappointing to not hear back from query letters. Advertising is sky-high with pricing. If you’re an average person, money is the key issue. Then if you are comfortable on the financial side, you pray you’re not throwing your money out the window with promises from companies that swear to get your website up there and push to get you seen. Hum, not yet! That in turn causes you to maybe by-pass a company that is honest.
And the cycle goes on. My feelings are now to just continue to write for the fun of it. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. How many authors become famous after dying!! Maybe that’s me.
With all the stress of the promoting and marketing, I say, “Don’t give up.” If it gets to be too much, step away from the computer for a few weeks or months until the desire to push ahead returns. Writing is not suppose to become a nightmare.
Here is a memoir that hides nothing with the effect of alcoholism on the whole family. Parents putting their alcoholic mate before the security, comfort, and love of their children.
It show how enabling is innocent in the hearts of the sober person not realizing that their actions only bringing the alcoholic deeper into their addiction. Enabling to the point of making no demands that the drinker gets professional help and the years go by with the confusion and fear which becomes a normal way of living.
Here are some reviews:
Joyce K. Walsh
Well-written and fast-paced, Someone Stop This Merry-Go-Round is a poignant and painfully truthful story about being married to an alcoholic husband in denial. This gripping drama captures the reader’s attention in its depiction of the devastating toll of alcoholism as the family tries to compensate for the lack of emotional stability, loss of income and, ultimately, physical and mental abuse. More than just a personal memoir, this book offers important insights into the descent of the frequent drinker into full-blown alcoholism and the enabling behavior that provides the drinker with easy excuses. Ms Sequeira does not spare herself in this equation but, through it all, we are hoping that she will prevail.
As a recovering alcoholic, I found Alberta’s book very moving. It’s rare that the alcoholic gets to see the damage and destruction from the loved ones side. There were many tough moments as I thought back to events and people that the book pulled from the the recesses of my mind. This book is meant to share!
I couldn’t put this book down. I have been unable to read a complete book for the last 8 years and this one I couldn’t put down. Not only is it an easy read but anyone who has been in an alcoholic marriage will find comfort in this. This is not a self help book but it gives you the realization that someone else has felt exactly what you felt and you were not crazy.
You hear and read that alcohol abuse is a “family disease,” yet I feel it’s not treated that way. We have AA, Al-Anon and Alateen meetings daily, with family members going to their separate gatherings behind closed doors; alcoholics to the AA meeting, the parents and siblings to the Al-Anon meeting, and the teens to the Alateen meetings.
When I went, our group kept everything that was discussed to ourselves; we were told not to share what we learned with the alcoholic or discuss our feelings about what we heard at the meeting. These words of advice, made me feel more separated from my alcoholic husband. Each person in a family needs to help each other understand how they enable the substance abuser and what to do to show the alcoholic that he/she is loved and has the support of the family. It’s not them that we hate, but the disease. Some professionals work only with the addict, cutting out the family entirely and leaving the substance abusers to fight their own battle, even when they’re not in a healthy emotional state to make good choices about their lives.
What is a family member taught behind these so-called closed-door meetings? “The alcoholic has to do it on their own. They have to reach rock bottom. Don’t worry about them, take care of yourself. Go on with your life as normally as you can. Separate yourself.” This belief is actually teaching every family member not to communicate and not work together with their loved one who is on a death path.
This belief, which I had been taught for years, that the addicted have to reach rock bottom, is so sad. Lori and Richie’s rock bottoms were their deaths. There is no need to let people get so deep into their addiction that they reach the stage of dying. They suffer emotional and mental pain, which can institutionalize them and lead to suicide, when a family can pull together as a unit to give the love and support from the very moment of the discovery that there is a problem. Alcohol and drugs become a problem when they cause serious disruptions in any form with the substance abuser’s lives or others around them.
After losing my husband, Richie, and my daughter, Lori, from their alcohol abuse, I needed answers to what I did wrong or could have done better to have helped them with their alcohol addiction. I wanted to know what they felt with their sufferings. How was I going to get the answers?
Finally, I found a website (no longer in use) for writers wanting answers for certain topics. I wrote asking for people struggling with alcohol and drug problems to become contributors to my new Narrative Non-Fiction What is and isn’t Working for the Alcoholic and Addict. I sent them twenty-three questions about what they needed from family, counselors, doctors, and society and open up honestly on what they believe works and doesn’t in recovery. What do they need from us?
I found thirty-four contributors who opened up about their private lives on how old they were when they started with their alcohol or drug use, if other family members were alcoholics, did relatives die from the disease, why did they start, what made them want help, was the recovery programs working, and what do they need from family to help them turn to professionals for help to reach sobriety? What do they feel family is not doing to help them? What advice to they give to other alcohol and drug users?
This is a family book for all. Look no further. The answers are coming directly from the people suffering from addiction with alcohol and drugs. Who knows better than the people living this life.
It’s a great book to bring into the school systems, libraries, businesses for employee missing too many workdays from substance abuse, families struggling with trying to cope and handle the alcoholic or drug users. It’s an eye-opener for counselors to learn what the addict needs for recovery. It’s about them, not us.
It’s an educational book for other substance abusers and a way for those who can’t open up to their counselors with their past hurts. It’s the alcoholic, drug user, and prescription user over-dosing talking to all of us. Thirty-four short stories, all different, so readers can relate to one if not more with the contributor’s suggestions on the tools they need to recover.