Last minute field goal

As physicists experiment with particle accelerators toward understanding the Higgs boson – the so-called “God particle” responsible for bringing about the spontaneous creation of the universe – theological archaeologists digging in ancient Mesopotamia have unearthed clay tablets that date back to the time of Adam and Eve, or so they say.

The tablets were apparently etched by a fellow named Herb, who was a neighbor of Adam and Eve in the “old neighborhood,”  known in those days as Eden Estates, an upscale gated community consisting of single family homes with three bedrooms, one and a half baths, a two-car garage, and some with swimming pools and hot tubs. The entire development was built adjacent to an apple orchard owned by a crotchety old coot known as S. Atan, or at least, that’s the name that appeared on his mailbox.

Herb was a tax accountant by trade, but before he became a CPA, he was a close friend of the Lord, aka God, residing together in the singularity just moments before the creation of the universe. Or as the recently discovered clay tablets read:

“We were college roommates, God and I, in those early days before He created everything. I was studying accountancy; He was studying theoretical physics, with a minor in religious studies, when He got this notion of designing the universe. At first I thought He was nuts, talking about galaxies and suns and planets and moons, and this thing called gravity to tie the whole thing together. He tried to explain to me the relationship between matter and energy, which I didn’t understand at all. Of course, He didn’t understand anything about the tax code.

“Anyway, one day, during Homecoming weekend when most of us were over at the stadium watching the football game, He suddenly had an epiphany. He began writing formulae on the blackboard in the empty lecture hall; when He ran out of blackboard space He wrote upon the walls. His writing immediately took form, and in an instant there was Light, which paid immediate dividends for our football team as they finally completed their first forward pass of the season now being able to actually see the ball.

“The Lord then invented the Day and the Night, dividing the Day and the Night with wee hour TV infomercials. He next created the Heavens, and below the Heavens dry land and seas, thus forming the earth, all the time nodding to Himself and muttering ‘It is good, it is good.’

“But the earth needed something, so He brought forth grasses and trees bearing fruit, and the fruit yielded seeds to grow new trees with fruit, thus creating a kind of a self-fulfilling creation, and He was very pleased with Himself – He could be a bit cocky back then – and kept saying ‘It is good. It is good.’

“And He brought forth fishes and whales to swim in the seas and every kind of winged fowl to fly above the earth, and beasts and cattle and creeping things to walk upon the earth.

“And, in His own image no less – I tell you, what an ego – He created man and woman, providing them with dominion over the fishes of the sea and the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

“And He said unto them, go forth and multiply and replenish the earth … but finish college first!

“And God saw everything that He had made, and, behold, it was very good.

“And so He rested, but His rest was quickly interrupted by the noise of a wild party in the courtyard outside His dorm room window – there was a joyous celebration down below, for the football team had just won the Homecoming game with a last minute field goal!” (Genesis 1:1)

Jack Sheedy

Author of six books, including Cape Odd, with Jim Coogan, available at your local CLAMS or OCLN library.

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