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Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Massachusetts market:
We can't swear to the authenticity of the report, but if it's NOT true, it should be. Here are the dolls.
"NEWBURY STREET / BACK BAY Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Prudential Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"FRAMINGHAM/METRO WEST Barbie"
The modern day sunurban homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind Star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
"WORCESTER Barbie" (ALSO SOLD IN SPRINGFIELD)
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"MARBLEHEAD/NORTH SHORE Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"NORTH ADAMS Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"DOWNTOWN BOSTON / NORTH END Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.
"WESTERN MA Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out her house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
"AMHERST/ NORTHAMPTON Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"NEW BEDFORD Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
"SOUTH SHORE Barbie" (on left)
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'. Available at South Shore and Hanover Malls only. Avaialable in most pastel shades
" PROVINCETOWN Barbie/Ken" (on right)
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts. A new model is introduced every October during the fashion show at the Crown & Whip during Fantasia Week.
"The Cape Cod Barbie"
Seen here in her "work ensemble", she is available in her usual attire as well; soiled denims, Woolrich checkered woolen shirt and US Army surplus boots. She usually has very bad hair days.
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