Dear Thumper

Sometimes, you just KNOW you're in trouble

Dear Thumper,

I was in the shower yesterday, completely soaped up. My wife comes in to use the sink... and to trap me in a situation where there was literally no escape. Then came the Whammy:

"Which of my friends would you like to sleep with the most?"

How does one answer that?

- Justin

Dear Justin,

Wives like to do stuff like that, as it keeps hubber on his toes. Once hub is too comfortable, problems will ensue- we could cover it here, but we're working on a more specific aspect of the problem.

So every now and then, we like to drop the hammer. "Which of my friends would you like to sleep with the most?" is just a more intense cousin of "Do I look fat in this dress?" or "Do you miss your last girlfriend?" There's no correct answer- the questions are designed to be that way.

As for Justin, there's only one thing a man can do.... suddenly "slip" in the shower, and crack his temple open on the spigot or the side of the tub, if need be. Don't even bother trying if you can't draw a SUBSTANTIAL amount of blood- she'll be watching you closely, waiting for her answer.... and even if you fell for real, she'll think you faked it to avoid answering the question. You may be asked it again when you wake up in a hospital, too heavily medicated to escape/think fast/ keep silent.

Sometimes, you're just doomed to a few days of misery. Take it like a man, and bring her some flowers or something. She'll get horny eventually, and- with any luck- you'll be the one to benefit from some heated and primordial make-up sex.

Dear Thumper,

I think my boyfriend likes one of my friends. It upsets me, and I need to confront him. Any suggestions?

- Taylor

Dear Taylor,

See above. Don't buy the falling bit unless he is bleeding heavily or has one of those Rocky I  swollen-shut eyes... and resume the questioning the moment he awakens in the hospital.

This works well for two reasons. The BF either suffers your wrath or will feel compelled to bash his head open on the shower door.  Either incident serves a psychological purpose. They reinforce the thought of banging one of your friends with either mental cruelty or a Kennedy-esque head wound. It's sort of like Pavlov's dog, just with "pain" taking the place of "food." Works for me.

 It's win-win.

Got a problem? Ask Thumper... help from her is usually better than killing your spouse! Send any questions to "Dear Thumper" c/o wb@ecape.com