Off-the-Shelf

The Popsicle Diet

Today I was working on a blog (which I may or may not post as it is rather serious and introspective and revealing and is frankly none of your darn business) when I became hungry for something. So I wandered into the kitchen to forage. What was I in the mood for? Hmmm. Peanuts? No. Popcorn? No. A spoonful of Fluff? No. Wait, I know! Popsicles!

Popsicles are probably nature's most perfect food item. Think about it. They're a snack on a stick that come in a variety of colors. They're cool on the lips, tasty, and satisfy like a drink. They come in great flavors like Orange, Cherry, and Grape. They're a good source of Vitamin C. And best of all, they're fat free!

Fat free! That made my ears perk up. Let's face it, I'm 44 years old - so I have to start watching what I eat lest I become something more than what I want to be. At 5 foot 10 inches tall, I should weigh a bit less than the 190 pounds I'm currently carrying around. I should be somewhere in the 180 range. So I began thinking. I began thinking about Popsicles. Hmmm ... Popsicles. Hmmm ... Popsicles. That's the ticket!

A Popsicle has 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of sodium, and provides 10% of the daily allowance of Vitamin C. A typical person is allowed 2,000 calories of food intake per day. That means I could eat 50 Popsicles on a daily basis, with no fat intake and yet while providing my body with 500% of the daily Vitamin C requirement. I'll be losing weight and probably never get a head cold again!

So, with an eye on weight loss and improved health I developed the following dietary menu:

Breakfast: 5 Orange Popsicles, 5 Grape Popsicles

Mid morning snack: 5 Cherry Popsicles

Lunch:  5 Orange Popsicles, 5 Grape Popsicles, 5 Cherry Popsicles

Mid afternoon snack: 5 Grape Popsicles

Dinner: 10 Orange Popsicles, 5 Cherry Popsicles

I figure if I can keep to this schedule for a couple of months I'll get down to the desired 180 pounds. The only problem, as I see it, is that I'll have to find freezer space for 350 Popsicles each week. And then, what to do with all those Popsicle sticks? Around 1,500 per month. I suppose I could build something out of them - perhaps napkin holders for my friends; I could give them out on birthdays and at Christmas. The more I think about this, the better the whole Popsicle idea becomes!

So tomorrow, it's off to the grocery store to buy Popsicles. If this diet works I could write a book, put out a DVD, appear on TV Infomercials, go on Oprah, and hobnob with all the stars. Popsicles are my ticket to fame and fortune!

I just need to do a little research to find out exactly what chemicals go into Yellow 6, Red 40, Red 3, and Blue 1 -- and what if any long-term effect those chemicals have had on laboratory mice.

Jack Sheedy