Off-the-Shelf

A Flock of Comments - Part 3

When in doubt ... and when in need of a quick blog posting ... I simply reprint some of my recent comments. Hence this third installment of A Flock of Comments:

I believe women to be the stronger sex of the species ... and not only because my younger sister used to beat me up when we were kids! But because women do all the heavy lifting in life - physically, mentally, spiritually, grocery shoppingly, etc. Thank God for women! They're the most beautiful thing He (or She) ever created! 05/14/07 @ 11:11 pm

It's clear that things need to change, and fast. For instance, Milky Way bars - they need to be larger. I think if we begin with candy bars -- putting into place federal laws and guidelines governing their size and thus increasing their calorie content - then everything else in the world will fall neatly into place. Imagine the ripple effect. After we have the candy bar situation resolved, we can move on to putting into place an asteroid defense system. Because let's face it, why do all this work on candy bars if the candy aisle at the local store is just gonna get snuffed out by a big old asteroid anyway. 05/17/07 @ 7:27 am

Poor customer service is just part of the whole Yankee experience that tourists have come to expect from us hard scrabbled New Englanders. It's part of the vacation package they've paid good money to receive. We don't want our tourists to go away upset because they didn't receive the whole package - do we? So let's get out there and put on a really good show for them ... and don't forget to say things like "Ya can't get there from here," and "pa-a-ahked the ca-a-ahr in Ha-a-ahvard ya-a-ahd." They eat that stuff up! 05/29/07 @ 2:07 pm

I don't understand why everyone is so upset with the tourists. I love tourists. They're people just like you and me, except they can't find Route 28, and Route 6A, and West Dennis Beach, and Sandy Neck Beach, and Coast Guard Beach, and Marconi Beach, and Kalmus Beach, and the Cape Cod Mall, and Main Street Hyannis, and Main Street Chatham, and any of the lighthouses, and any miniature golf course, and 90% of the restaurants, and Provincetown, and the Cape Cod National Seashore, and Route 6 East, and Route 6 West, and the Bass River Bridge, and the Sagamore Bridge, and the Bourne Bridge, and the Orleans Rotary (which is actually in Eastham, but don't tell them that - it will only add to their confusion), and Routes 137 & 124 & 39 & 130 & 134 & 132 & 151, and ... and ... what was I saying about loving the tourists? 05/29/07 @ 6:45 pm

Oh, and Nickerson State Park! 05/29/07 @ 6:51 pm

In 1952, avant-garde composer John Cage created 4'33", a piece of music for piano four minutes and 33 seconds long during which no notes whatsoever are played. The work consists of three movements - all tacet (Latin for "silent"). The pianist sits before the piano and plays nothing, allowing the random noises in the building (perhaps even the coughing and sneezing of the audience) to become the "music." 06/04/07 @ 8:42 pm

Cage would also compose works based purely on chance --- he would flip a coin to determine the next musical note. I usually flip a coin to determine whether or not to pay the mortgage. By the way, I played the violin in 3rd grade (poorly, I might add). At the beginning of 4th grade I was kindly asked to take up a sport instead. 06/05/07 @ 4:38 pm

Cage believed the element of choice should be removed from the composer's palette. Hence the coin flips to determine the next musical note. What may look very much like a case of the "emperor's new clothes" is actually an interesting experiment in chaotic, random creation - which, by the way, is most likely how this whole universe was created some 15 billion years ago. There certainly could not have been an overall plan to the universe -- a quick look at the IRS tax code proves that. Or perhaps it is a case of the "emperor's new clothes," in which case I'm actually wearing a Nehru jacket, a pair of red-white-and-blue striped pants, and large clown shoes. 06/07/07 @ 7:40 am

I do miss the period of the 1970's. You knew you were alive back then. We were at war, the economy was terrible, inflation was out of control, the job market was miserable, the future looked downright bleak, our president and vice president resigned in disgrace, Three Mile Island nearly melted down, Iran had taken our embassy staff hostage, we were always on the brink of WWIII with the Soviet Union, and as a country we were in an overall dismal state of malaise ... but boy, it was a great time! 06/25/07 @ 3:47 pm

I'm not kidding when I say, "but boy, it was a great time." Today's times are bland by comparison. Back in the 70's things were not so good, but I felt connected to the "not-so-goodness." Despite the bad times there was something that glued us all together. I clearly remember when Carter came on TV and told us all to snap out of our national feeling of malaise in his much criticized and occasionally praised Malaise Speech (not to be confused with his often forgotten and largely misunderstood Mayonnaise Speech). 06/25/07 @ 6:21 pm

I stopped into one of those "hi-tech" stores today and felt as if I had just walked onto the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Nothing made sense to me (despite the more than helpful sales associate). All the technology was way over my head. You see, I don't use an iPod, or an MP3 player, or a PSP, or a flatscreen TV, or a palm pilot (??), or a Blackberry, or a Blueberry, or a Strawberry, or a laptop, or anything wireless, or that GPS stuff, or even a cell phone. Heck, my car doesn't even have air conditioning. Personally, I resist all technology -- after all, they are the tools of SATAN! Just give me a good piece of charcoal, and a cave wall to draw on, and I'm all set! 06/29/07 @ 8:09 pm

Jack Sheedy