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:: Saturday, November 21st, 2009Fish Out of Water
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Time ain't on our side
11/21/07 · 12:00 pm :: posted by petercohen
Time management isn't this family's strong suit. My wife lays the blame at the feet of "executive function;" the term used to describe the suite of organizational skills and self-regulation many of us take for granted. It's the same reason why our house is in constant disarray.
It's supposed to be a very specific shortcoming in people with ADHD, and in our house, that's inarguably three of five. The problem does not seem to afflict our youngest, and it's not something I have a problem with when I'm left to my own devices.
This morning was a perfect example. My wife had to go to work, and she was finally ready at 11:15 (she has a flexible work schedule). She decided between the time that she woke up and the time she was ready that she needed to go to the eye doctor, who called mid-morning to let her know that her new glasses are ready.
"We can swing by Sandwich to pick them up," she said to me as I was putting on my shoes to go to the van. I had agreed to drive her to work, and two of the kids and I were getting ready to go out the door with her.
"Uh, no," I said.
To do so would require a 20 minute drive out of our way to do it, and it's in the wrong direction from her work. Figure another 10 minutes for a quick fitting and check out, and we're tagging almost an hour onto what was already going to be a forty minute round trip. That means that instead of being back by noon, I wasn't going to be back until 1 -- missing another hour of work and delaying my ability to get other things done until then.
If you're not intimately familiar with what happens inside her head, it's easy to get offended by this: Wow, she cares so little about my time that she doesn't care if she wastes an hour of it.
But being able to quickly tabulate and calculate that sort of time use in my head is something I take quite for granted, but it's something that's totally beyond my wife's ability to do. It's not that my wife is dumb, or inconsiderate in the slightest -- far from it -- it's just that her executive functioning skills don't exist in that sphere.
I may talk a good game, but it's still a source of friction in our relationship. I'll tell her we have to be ready by a specific time to be out the door for an appointment or family gathering; she'll regularly blow the deadline by a half hour or more. I can't tell you how many times we've been the last people to roll in the door at a party, or we've been late for meetings, as a result of this. But no amount of overcompensation that I do is able to overcome it.
She is, however, highly organized and incredibly efficient when it comes to tracking information on the Internet -- people are always amazed at the depth and breadth of information she's able to find. I've told her time and again she should try to get a job as a research assistant or something in that respect. The way she does that, however, isn't nearly as deadline-specific as appointments or work schedules, which may explain the difference.
8 comments
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capemom [Member] writes:
What consequences has your wife suffered due to her unwillingness to stick to a schedule?
None, because you are her enabling co-dependent. Was she a "late" person when you married her? Tell the truth. There are worst qualities to have in a wife, that's for sure, but your continuing to enable her just makes a lot more work for yourself over the course of a lifetime.
I have gradually cut out all the chronically late people in my life, I am talking about my social life.
Late people think that their lateness is a harmless by-product of their spontaneous charm, and that their sparkling personality makes up for their rude inconsiderateness.
I have never found this to be the case. The most fun friends I have are on-time people who never incovenience others. The chronically late people are nice enough, but well, they're just always late, so gradually I have just stopped including them in plans. The same thing will happen to you if you allow it.
Be a man and put your foot down--what's she going to do, leave you?
None, because you are her enabling co-dependent. Was she a "late" person when you married her? Tell the truth. There are worst qualities to have in a wife, that's for sure, but your continuing to enable her just makes a lot more work for yourself over the course of a lifetime.
I have gradually cut out all the chronically late people in my life, I am talking about my social life.
Late people think that their lateness is a harmless by-product of their spontaneous charm, and that their sparkling personality makes up for their rude inconsiderateness.
I have never found this to be the case. The most fun friends I have are on-time people who never incovenience others. The chronically late people are nice enough, but well, they're just always late, so gradually I have just stopped including them in plans. The same thing will happen to you if you allow it.
Be a man and put your foot down--what's she going to do, leave you?
petercohen [Member] writes:
So we can be friends with judgmental jerks like you? Naw, I'd rather be late.
Buzz [Member] writes:
My wife and I have a great relationship. It requires communication, understanding and sacrifice. If I started airing my dirty laundry on a public web site, it would be the beginning of the end of our wonderful relationship not to mention the humiliation our children would no doubt experience.
petercohen [Member] writes:
Yeah, same with us, Buzz. Fortunately, we're secure enough in our relationship that we don't consider publicly talking about our family's disabilities to be "airing dirty laundry."
maverick [Member] writes:
petercohen...thanks for sharing.
" My wife and I have a great relationship. It requires communication, understanding and sacrifice. "
That's what life is all about. You couldn't have said it any better.
My best to you and family.
" My wife and I have a great relationship. It requires communication, understanding and sacrifice. "
That's what life is all about. You couldn't have said it any better.
My best to you and family.
cantankerous [Member] writes:
I'm glad maverick left their gracious remarks, it takes the sting out of the earlier, mean-spirited comments.
Besides, if petercohen's family is anything like mine, his wife's chronic lateness is accepted with good grace by her friends and relatives as just one of an otherwise good person's minor quirks.
After all, no one's perfect.
Besides, if petercohen's family is anything like mine, his wife's chronic lateness is accepted with good grace by her friends and relatives as just one of an otherwise good person's minor quirks.
After all, no one's perfect.
cantankerous [Member] writes:
Also, I'm enjoying the gentle slices of life in this blog immensely; "Fish Out of Water" one of the best on this site. Keep up the good work!
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About This Blog
Peter Cohen washed ashore on Cape Cod more than a decade ago. A child of the 80s, who was told more than once he was wasting his life playing video games, he now gets to write about them for a living for an Apple-focused computer magazine. He and his wife are raising three kids in Mashpee, where they're both very involved in special education-related issues. This blog collects Peter's thoughts on being a dad, a nerd, and occasionally feeling like a fish out of water in a region named after a fish.
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I used to be like your wife, but I was able to learn to be punctual and more detail oriented. I know what you mean about some people's brains are just wired that way. There must be journals written about if people with ADHD can learn to think differently, or is it just their nature.