My wild & precious life

Helping vs. Saving

The other day, someone called me to inquire if I could help them organize their home. Now, in and of itself, that is not a strange thing, as I run an organizing business. What was unusual about the call was that I spent almost 45 minutes speaking with this lovely woman who was in a state of confusion and turmoil. I asked her repeatedly what it was that she truly wants and it became apparent that she could not answer that seemingly simple question. Can you?

Does your home or office look like this?This got me thinking about how many of us wander through our lives, sometimes moderately happy, mostly not, allowing whatever wind blows to decide which direction we will follow. Some of us are on anti-depressants, because we can’t really understand why we don’t want to get up in the morning. It’s not that we hate our lives, our spouses, our jobs, it’s that we don’t love them. And we are too afraid to let ourselves know this truth because then it means we will certainly have to make a change. A change in ourselves or a change to our circumstance. And change takes courage. And courage takes faith. And faith takes surrender. And surrender is scary. Or exciting…depending on what you decide it is.

I am working with a fabulous and delightful gentleman from the Midwest, coaching him by phone, and he is opening up to realize something scary…that maybe his wife of 20+ years just isn’t meeting his needs. Maybe she never has. Does that mean divorce, he wonders? I don’t think so. Or put it this way: not necessarily. What is does mean, however, is that if he wants to stay on his spiritual path, he will need to make a shift deep inside. A shift that includes telling the truth to himself as fast as he can. (sometimes it takes a while before we are ready to acknowledge what we deep-down know). When we live outside our truth, we are slowly (or not-so-slowly) killing ourselves. The secret eats away at us first on the spiritual level, and then it makes its way into the physical and we get sick. I mean really sick. Cancer, heart disease, chronic depression, addiction. It’s that serious.

So what does ‘helping vs. saving’ mean? It means that in order to grow and to let go of the things in our lives that are holding us back from joy and freedom and connection-- be they physical, mental, emotional or spiritual-- we have to take full responsibility for our choices. THIS IS NOT EASY! In a way, it is easier to live in resentment and blame, turning the focus away from ourselves. Forgiveness means we have to let go of all the things we hold on to that keep us stuck. That’s what clutter is, by the way, STUCK energy. Usually resentment. Once you forgive and let go of your resentment, the clutter magically goes away. Trust me, I have watched it happen too many times for it to be a coincidence.

When we do decide to make a change, we usually do best with some type of support. A shoulder to cry on, an inspiring passage, a community of like-minded souls who have been where we are, a creative outlet for our feelings. This is help. A hand reaching out in the darkness to make the way easier. The way I offered to help the woman I mentioned above. I didn’t offer to do the work for her, I just listened. And asked questions. It was up to her to come up with the answers for herself.

Saving, on the other hand, is when we do the work for someone else. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, people can’t pay us to grow up for them, they have to do it for themselves. Or not. But no matter what, it’s their choice. And when we try and save others, try and offer them what we think they need, even though they didn’t ask for help, we are actually crippling them, holding them back from just the time and space they need to choose for themselves. It may be frustrating to watch someone flounder when you feel you have the answer, but check this out:

Bryan DeFlores, in his Glossary of New Paradigm Terminology, says it best. He defines Idiot Compassion this way:  

"the single action or habitual pattern of interfering with or supporting other people's dramas without first determining whether lending your advice or energy is appropriate; not allowing others to move through their own experiences and becoming empowered. Idiot Compassion is usually accompanied by a significant energy drain!"

A significant energy drain. Do you understand the impact of that statement? That means, when you try to “save” someone, or you demand, expect, request someone to save you, NO ONE WINS. They lose out on the chance to step in to their own power, and you get sucked dry.

Think about it.
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