Minutia

Sparkling Holiday Conversations

Finally I've managed to shame myself enough to write a blog again.  I couldn't be a quitter like my 4^th grade teacher Mrs. Snyder once accused me of being after only learning 2 ½ songs on the flute before I left my musical education behind.  (In retrospect a huge regret.) Well my one-year blogging anniversary is fast on my heels and like any good Italian/Irish/Catholic - guilt has taken hold.  I can't just leave all my previous thoughts hanging out there looking silly and foolish and lonely.  They need the company of all the new silly and foolish thoughts that have been crowding my head in an alarmingly distracting way.  The time has come to lighten my load. My many thoughts on the little things in life will now burden all of you instead!

Tis' the season of Holiday parties.  I was going for a record this year - RSVPing in the affirmative to five invites.   Number three party was canceled due to the recent Thursday snowstorm.  I just attended the last of the bashes the other night - total only 4.  Will I comment on the obvious?  The food - barely edible or tantalizing and tempting?  Music - good but deafening or embarrassingly non-existent.  Ambience - seasonal and serene or so over the top and overcrowded that you can't help smashing decorations just reaching for the cheeseball.  And don't forget the way too friendly egg-nogged Santa.   No, I won't mention these.  The sparkling conversation and the engaging repartee captured my cataloging ways.  Though I definitely do not have specific Dewey Decimal-like designations for all party-goers that I've encountered, I made an attempt at some. 
Disclaimer: If the party of the first part (me) offends the party of the second part (a party goer) the party of the second part (the party goer) may not take offense.  Furthermore if the party of the third part (someone who wasn't even invited to the party) takes offense toward the party of the first part (me) well tough holiday cookies to you!  Lighten up Scrooge!

My top 5 are:  (on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being my favorite)

1. The Vacant Stare Hmm...ing Nodder
2. The Unintentional Interrupter
3. Up the Ante Annie
4. The Thought Completer
5. The Simul-Talk Sentence Finisher

Ok, we know all of them.  In fact, we've all been #1 and will be again on many future occasions.  It's unavoidable - the person you're talking to could be extremely boring and mustering the thoughtful hmmm is really a cover-up for the sleepy nodding off.  There are of course other reasons for the vacant nodding besides the please-poke-me-in-the-eye-with-a-pencil conversation.  Perhaps the person speaking has the biggest bit of spinach lodged in his or her teeth and you're trying not to stare at the monstrosity but a tactful hint on your part is eluding you.  Or my favorite reason is entrapment.  Yup, this person blabbing away is standing in front of the mini pigs in the blanket and mistook your single-minded pursuit of nosh for social engagement.  My advice if you run into a Vacant Stare Hmm...ing Nodder is to immediately pull the wad of green from your own pearly whites (it's not festive!), shut your boring yap and move your big butt away from the food table!

Onto #2, The Unintentional Interrupter.  You both speak at the same time.  So the first time this happens it's charming, even cute.  It could be compared to that awkward first kiss where you bump noses.  You laugh and you try again.  Well whether we're talking about talking or kissing, it becomes an ugly car wreck all too soon.  No one cant get word or kiss in edgewise.  The timing between the two conversants (or kissers) is just plain wrong and needs to end.  The frustration of never being able to say something or having a big red swollen nose is frankly beyond frustrating.

Number 3 is actually now a frequent skit on SNL.  I don't know what this character's name is but I'll use Up the Ante Annie.  Everyone loves to tell an amusing anecdote about an accomplishment or crazy mishap and admittedly there can be a little tweak from fact.  Annie is beyond embellishment.  Her story is always bigger or sadder or faster and somehow there was confetti involved and impossibly dancing tutu-ed Chihuahuas in her tale.  She is dangerous.  She incites the type of holiday-I'm gonna stuff an elf down her throat type of violence that will get you on the 11 o'clock news.  (Or a grainy video clip on utube.)

The last two are interesting because they could almost tie.  The Thought Completer (#4) is very rare.  This is the person you swear you've met before or knew each other in a past life.  The two of you will end up being the party stragglers that the hosts, already in their pajamas, toothbrushes in one hand and your coats in the other will be dragging you to the front door.  This is the person you hope to meet and rarely do.  Sappy?  Yes.  Hopefully the friendship will last into the New Year & beyond and your deep connection wasn't just the champagne in the poinsettia punch.

And finally (‘cause this is really way too long) we arrive at #5, my favorite - The Simul-Talk Sentence Finisher.  This is an amazing unrecognized skill.  Either I'm completely predictable in everything I say or these people are highly intelligent, intuitive, or simply psychic.  I've tried tripping these people up by laying complicated verbal obstacle courses riddled with conversational mines like unexpected pauses or ridiculous phony expressions.  It's like they are Olympic decathlon champions in the art of conversation and I am merely a helpless pawn in their omniscient game of speech.  I applaud and marvel at their unparalleled skill and finesse!

So as the holiday party season continues through the New Year celebrations, take a slightly slanted new look at your fellow merrymakers or one good long look in the mirror and ask, "Sparkling conversationalist or...?"