East of Boston

The Whole Eggroll

Before we begin, I should lay a few things about myself out on the table.

For stahhhhtahs, I feel- in the bottom of my heart- that the best athletes on Earth can be found in American team sports. I'm partial- I live in America, and I love our sports.

Two... even though I wasn't born here, I've lived here for such a length of time that "us" equals "the United States Of America," and will be used so in my column. I've been out of France long enough that I even catch myself- sometimes- rooting against the French competitor when they take on a Korean or something.

Three... there are some Olympic sports being staged this summer that I don't consider to be sports. Yes, I am aware that some of my favorite sports involve a bunch of behemoths chasing a ball around. I'm also aware that gymnasts and the like are superb athletes, in many cases far superior in comparison to some flabby nose tackle or unatletic NBA token white benchwarmer. My point still stands.

Finally, and in spite of the negativity I may display towards certain events, I am the sportswriter here. I have a certain obligation to the CCToday readers in regards to providing hard-hitting sports coverage, even if I don't give a damn personally.

With that said, let's hear what I know/think about these here Olympics.

Micheal Phelps

He won like 8 gold medals, hasn't been caught doing the Juice, and seems to be white. He'll make a fortune in advertising after these Olympics. He represented America to the fullest. He swims like a god-damned Mako Shark. I wish him the best.

Of course, I think his medal count is a bit inflated. While I don't know exactly how he got all 8 medals, I'm assuming they give one out for the Breaststroke, Backstroke, Crawl, Butterfly, Doggy Paddle and whatnot. He jumps in a pool, swims for a minute, then gets a gold medal.

Not that there's anything wrong with the USA getting a bunch of cut-rate medals, but it seems akin to giving Kobe Bryant a medal each time he shoots. Phelps is a good guy and everything, and probably a boon to have around if you start drowning... but let's not get carried away.

I think that they should have one big race, where each competitor is compelled to use each of the particular strokes... and it should be like a mile long, in a tank loaded with pirahna.

No one can say you play a pretty boy sport if you have pirahna bite wounds.

Next....

Usain Bolt:

Homeboy ran a silly 9.69 in the 100 meters. That's f*cking insane. It's a sustained burst of 20 mph sprinting. It is as fast as a human has ever run, and we've been running since we were monkeys.

There's an old story about Neon Deion Sanders, the old Dallas Cowboys cornerback. Neon used to own the fastest 40 yard dash time I'd ever heard of- an ungodly 4.2 seconds. He did it at the 1992 NFL Scouting Combine, while wearing gold chains and basketball shoes. 

A 4.4 would be got-to-have-him speed commonly associated with a franchise wide receiver. Randy Moss does a 4.4.Ladanian Tomlinson may be in the 4.3 range, but I can assure you that there isn't a man in the NFL who can do the 40 in under 4.2 at the moment, and there probably hasn't been one since Neon Deion got old.

Usain Bolt does the same distance in 3.53 seconds. That's well over 20 mph.

If you actually sit down and crunch the numbers (as I... OK, as one of my students did once), Bolt compares rather favorably to several animals you'd think would be able to run him down. A large dog wouldn't catch him, nor would a crocodile. He can outrun a swarm of bees or a tornado. He's faster (downhill, to a certain degree) than pyroclastic flow.

If he were a tropical system, he'd be a Depression... although he would probably earn named storm status after 50 yards. While the fact that Bolt could outrun an Allosaurus most likely doesn't explain the creature's extinction, you can postulate a heory that they died because they couldn't catch and eat Usain Bolt's ancestors.

The famous roadrunner (17 mph) isn't as fast as Mr. Bolt. A coyote is as fast, though... faster, actually... which makes one wonder how come he never caught the SOB... especially when you consider that the coyote has the advantage of being Wily.

Either way... if Usain Bolt stole your purse, the only way you'd get it back is if there were a hungry cheetah nearby who was already running.

 Wishing I had this kind of grace...

 But I don't, so I just watch a lot of football.

Speaking of which....

The Olympics will continue to be second rate sports entertainment until some sort of NFL-style football is incorporated. Shoot, the Russians or the Krauts might even grow to like it.

Sure, the Asians may have some trouble producing an offensive line (although some of the sumo offspring could warm to the sport in a generation), but they'll be better people in the end for this dearly-bought experience now.

I also would like to see MMA fighting in there as well, and would even use MMA to settle war-type stuff.

Redeem Team

Our travelling all-star team managed to win the basketball Gold against the rest of the world. It's only really a story when they lose, although I'd like to use my forum here to voice my opinion that USA Basketball should be represented every year by the Harlem Globetrotters.

Shoot... at least everyone would like us again. I'd also love to see a gold medal game where everyone went home happy, and no one remembered what the final score was.

 That's what it's supposed to be all about anyhow, no?