East of Boston

Elle's Quiet On The Western Front

BRADY OUT FOR YEAR

See here.

The moment an acceptable amount of time had passed and Tom Brady hadn't gotten off the ground, the Monponsett household went into Emergency Mode. I tackled and pinned down the Smurf, while Abdullah secured her wrists and ankles with those shackles that you'd use- in a larger size, of course- for displaying Mighty Joe Young in public.

No broken pancreas this time, folks... I was on her quickly, before her super powers could activate. I beat her little French ass, and I consider myself to be the Alpha Bitch in the household now.

Stacey was pleased with how I handled her, as it was in accordance with the plan she herself devised in the case of an injury to Tom Brady. Stacey loves the Patriots to the point where her head might blow up if something Bad happens, and it doesn't get any badder than a knee injury to Champagne Tom.

It looks kinda like this:

We stopped her in time, though.

Once the physical security of Cape Cod was assured, the staff of this column (myself, Stacey, Abdullah, and Stunning Steve) got to work on a brainstorming session. Brady's injury (a season-ending anterior cruciate ligament tear) changed the whole landscape of the NFL, and East Of Boston reacted quickly.

Here's where our heads are at currently...

At least they didn't hurt his face.

There exist certain Quarterback Archetypes that are more lent to success than others. Many sports fans go a lifetime waiting for one to make his way to their team. Tom Brady came about 40 years after the Patriots started, for instance... but we'll get to him in a moment.

The theory of Quarterback Archetypes may be new to you, as we sort of just made the term up last night. You'll know them when you see them, though. Brett Favre is pretty much the textbook Redneck Gunslinger, while Peyton Manning is as good a Precision Technodweeb as you'll find. For some reason beyond even the grasp of the Mafia, you can only win consistently when led by one of these select few Archetypes (others include Mormons, Apple Pie Guys, and Old Schoolers)... and they don't grow on trees.

This is why- despite the fact that they seem to be able to throw baseballs around well enough- players of Latino blood don't seem to be all that prevalent at quarterbacking consistently top-notch football teams. I believe that there will one day be one who does, but he will establish a new Archetype when he arrives. Unfortunately, the Mexican Messiah wasn't that Gutierrez kid we cut the other day, although the young man does know the playbook.

Tom Brady rules over his own particular psychological realm. He's the highest order of the Popular High School Quarterback. James Van Der Beek or whatever from Varsity Blues fits this mold. Tom's good-looking, rules his team, and dates the head cheerleader... well, adults of the species date Supermodels.

This is a powerful archetype, instantly recognizable to any American of even mongoloid-level cultural literacy. Most/all of his teammates will have been preconditioned by their own high school experiences towards following such a man. Good looks don't move the ball downfield, but amazing things can be done by 50 teammates who believe that they will. It's basically the opposite of how curses work.

We used to have that kind of mojo working for us, but fate can be as cruel as a torn anterior cruciate ligament.

So... what do the Patriots do now?

 It would have been nice if stupid Brett Favre could have stayed retired long enough so as to have been available when we came calling. He could get one last Hurrah, and the effect on the Pats players would be that of a really cool babysitter. It would have been win/win for all parties involved. Unfortunately, he plays for the Jets, and we see him next weekend.

Other recently retired guys don't really get me hot or anything. Steve McNair failed with Baltimore last year. Nancy Drew Bledsoe probably knows the plays, but I know continents with more mobility. Duante Culpepper knows Moss from Minnesota, but the rest of the NFL seems to think that he's either A) too stupid to learn an offense quickly or B) shot.

An option no one mentions is Brady Quinn. Granted, we only need a babysitter for Tom's spot, rather than a QB-of-the-future like Quinn.. but it would make things a whole lot easier for the fans... with good old "Tom" Brady Quinn. Shoot... maybe we can get Vick out of prison somehow.

One thing comforts me.. the knowledge that Bill Belichick is an evil genuis, and he most likely set Contingency Plan #12 into motion the moment he heard Brady's knee tear. That's why he's the Hoody, and you aren't. Everything will be fine.