One Day at a Time

Dear Danny,
I'm the oldest of four daughters and currently live in Los Angeles. I've been here for almost five years. Two of my other sisters live in Phoenix and Chicago, and my youngest (20 years old) lives at home with my mom. The problem is my mom - she is an alcoholic and battles depression. I don't want to make this a long, drawn-out story, but my sisters and I are at a point where we think we need to have some sort of intervention with mom. She is 53 years old, unable to hold a job, drinks weekly (most likely daily), takes anti-anxiety pills and has been for the last eight years and has just started an anti-depressants. Considering she now does all at once is quite troublesome. All of us are willing to go home for a bit to help her.

I don't know what to do. She is stubborn, in denial, extremely defensive, and refuses to listen to anybody. Every time I have called her out on her life, a big argument erupts and she ends up storming out of the room. She comes from a family of alcoholics and overall addiction. Both her physical and emotional states are at stake, and we are often threatened with the fact she will take her own life. Today she lost yet another job, took 4 anti-anxiety pills and asked my dad to go buy her some wine. (They are divorced but he still looks after her). She might lose her house. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The point of this is that I don't know what to do. I'm worried for her. My sisters and I are grabbing at straws to try to figure out a way to get her life back on track. She needs rehab but considers herself above that type of thing. She needs therapy. Is ANYONE out there who can help - maybe has gone through this themselves? Maybe refer a program? Something....anything. I can assure you that any and all information on this would be greatly appreciated. We just want my mom to lead a happy life, to enjoy herself, to be with us for a long time.

Please help....

Love and peace to you,
Los Angeles Daughter
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Hi Daughter,
It is always touching when I hear from the children of an alcoholic. Your mom is one lucky and blessed woman to still have loving and caring children in her life – so many deep in their disease have no one left. As you have discovered, Alcoholism and drug addiction are a family disease and affects many more lives than the sufferer. It is usually recommended that since you too are affected and suffering, that some sort of treatment for you is also in order. When I first got sober, my family saw an immediate change in me. It was still new so there was a great deal of skepticism, but still better than what was before. My wife still needed to deal with her own pain even as I was dealing with mine. She got help.

When I asked her how it was going she said something, I will never forget. She said, "I am learning that I am just as sick as you are". That hit me hard. My illness had spread to her, even though she did not drink. It had affected her thinking, her emotions, and her abilities to relate properly to others.

I suggest that you contact Al-Alon Family Groups. They will help you heal in spite of your mom's sickness and they can suggest ways that you may affect her in positive ways. I know of very many alcoholics and drug addicts who have found permanent recovery first through the recoveries of their loved ones. You will all be in a much better position to be of help to her then.

For now mom needs to know that you love her. Her explosive behaviors are common to the untreated alcoholics. It does not mean she does not love you too. She may need to detox safely but unless she wants to, it can be difficult - but it is not impossible. Contact me privately and I will put you in touch with people in the Boston area who have experience with cases like moms. In the meantime, take the first step and seek some assist in your own lives too. Alcoholism is a family disease. You all have been affected and need to know some of the "tricks" to healing and helping that others who have been in your shoes can teach you.

Good luck.

Peace,

Danny S