One Day at a Time

Dont Piss Me Off Man!

Link: http://gourl.org/dsfaq

Don't You Know Who I Am?

I  remember first walking into a roomful of drunks in fellowship and being told that I was "The most important person in the room".   "NO SHIT! I thought. "Now tell me something I don' t already know."

Those well meaning folks didn't know it but that kind of thinking was what got me there in the first place and inflating me instead of having me deflate nearly brought me to death - right in front of my fellows.

We alcoholics do so love to be important don't we? I guess everyone does to some extent but why do I get the feeling that for most of my life I had borne a far heavier cargo load of self absorption than most of my peers - that I have been bestowed with more than my fair share of personal need for dignity and respect? Is there anything less lovely than a man whose very deportment screams “Don’t you know who I am?”

QUESTION: How can you tell an alcoholic in a restaurant?

ANSWER: He's the one demanding to speak to the manager.

Some of us who may be more inclined toward physical violence might identify with Dr. David Banner - who’s alter ego was the Incredible Hulk. “Mr. McGee, Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." -- Truly an imaginary fantasy of superhuman strength which I would bet cool money that more than one person reading this right now will completely identify.

I think in psychological circles the word they like to use is "validation" - I have had to ask myself  "From where or from what do I derive my validation?"  - - or my sense of worth and image of my self.

For me it came to what I did for a living - my occupation - and on Wall Street that meant power and money. "I am a rich and powerful Wall Street Investment Banker muckity-muck that can make or break you with the wink of an eye. I have got so much money it is coming out of my ass."

Never mind that there were times when I didn’t have a pot to piss in but felt fine because I rode in my limousine wearing my eight hundred dollar suit - snorting blow off my genuine imitation leather briefcase - boiled as an owl.

"Take me to the 21 Club."

Like Billy Crystal’s Fernando Lamas character use to say, “Dahling . . . . you look mahvelous! It is better to look good than to feel good. " I knew that already. Even feeling like shit physically would not matter much if I felt good in a prideful sense. If our self esteem is intact then all is well, isn’t it? Even if the market collapses and the girl runs away and takes the kids -  as long as we have our self-esteem - we can still be 'the shit' - we can still make it. We are that big. We are that awesome

Isn’t it weird how non-alcoholic alcohol 'abusers' whine about not having enough self-esteem - all the while true alcoholics seem to suffer from an overabundance of it?

When starting up with a newcomer one of the big tip-offs that a prospect may not be "one of us" and that my efforts might better be cast in another direction is the presence of low self esteem. It is almost an axiom that folks with drinking problems suffer from low self-esteem. Every "addictions counselor" on the planet has been trained to believe and address just that. What they to not account for however is that true alkies tend to have way too much self-esteem - not too little. That crappy, hollow feeling that nothing is right, everything is broken and no one wants us anymore is really a product of self-pity - not low self esteem - but it often gets confused with low self-esteem.

 

The "Board Certified" staffers in the "addictions" field have got it all backwards to front when it comes to real alcoholics. It there any wonder then that rehabs and treatment facilities have little to offer a real alcoholic and why it is so tantamount to their success that the world accept their self serving we "never recover" idea? The only problem with that is we will never recover with their treatment - their old and failed psychological approaches that they use to "treat" us. They never work.

We are suffering from "an illness only a spiritual experience will conquer."

When I do a fear inventory with a protégée we come across the inevitable part where the protégée concludes the horrible truth about himself - that his view of himself - his self-importance has been blown so ridiculously out of proportion that he must either become the "thing" he has imagined himself to be - which is impossible - or ask God to remove the insane fantasy. That is the moment that deep and yearning appreciation for the upcoming Steps Six and Seven rise.

What I was doing for a living at the same time that I asked this very question was working for New York Life selling life insurance and investments. I realized that I was defining myself by what I did for a living rather than by how I was living and had been doing that for as long as I could remember.

It always - and brother I mean ALWAYS had to do with how I looked to other people - the image I was portraying. Contained in my written Fear Inventory is "Fear of Poverty". It is worse than that, really. It is a fear of not being wealthy.

The reason for the fear is that if I am not wealthy then others will know it and think that my lack of success would be an indication of being stupid or lazy and I would not have their respect.

I demand respect God Damn It!

So I must come across as being wealthy and successful to other people - whether I am or not!  That means that I always must be wearing the look of success in personal appearance, clothing, car and home - all the "advertising" and window dressing - all the public opinion generators.

It is beyond just 'having dignity' - desiring to live as a  dignified man is normal but my need to validate myself to myself was tethered to the outward display of that dignity and once again that points to one big horrible truth - that I can be tied - bound really - to people, dependant upon others for my sense of security and happiness - for my "validation" as it were. That dependence is a form of slavery. It has lead me to mental depression and anxiety as it leads ALL alcoholics. No exception!

Thank God our eyes can be opened to this so that we can turn reliance back to our Creator and all that baggage just drops away so we can become truly "I don't give a crap" kinds. Not arrogant and anti-social -- no, quite the opposite -- but more carefree about what others think about us. What people think about me - their opinions - their judgments - their perceptions, misconceptions or fantasies are all none of my freakin' business.

Peace,

Danny S

 Recovered Alcoholic Blog