Solon Economou

Dennis PD updates fleet with 25 Lamborghinis

The Dennis Police Department has just announced it has received the first five of 25 Lamborghini Gallardos it ordered to modernize their fleet of police cruisers.  This is the first time that a Lamborghini will be used by any American police department.

Each car, at a cost of $165,900 US, has a 5-liter, 10-cylinder engine, and puts out 500 horsepower.  It can do 0-60 mph in 4.3 seconds, with a top speed of 190 mph, and has permanent four-wheel drive for top performance in the New England winters.

Because of its speed, each car is equipped with first aid equipment including defibrillators, electrocardiagram equipment, and the ability to quickly transport plasma and human organs for transplant.

When I talked to Chief Michael Whalen, I asked how the Town Finance Committee reacted to the $4,147,500 price tag for the new cars.

"They're not paying for it," he said.  "We're a member of the ATTF--the Anti-Terrorist Task Force--the Department of Homeland Security is footing the bill."

"So they're happy about it," I remarked.

"Not quite," said the Chief.  "They never waited for me to finish my sentence.  One had a stroke on the spot and is in the hospital, but he is expected to fully recover.  Another one, well, he is heavily sedated in a straitjacket in Bridgewater.  The doctors say it is a permanent condition.  We'll never see him again.  And you've probably noticed a third one walking around town with the 1000-yard stare, mumbling to himself."

"He mumbles?" I asked.

"Yes, mumbles.  We're thinking of running him for mayor of Boston."

"Have you tested one of the Gallardos at 190?" I asked.

"I haven't done it myself," said the Chief.  "but Captain Bill Monahan volunteered.  Right up Route 6, at 190!"

"That's a state road," I said.  "Did the State Police notice?"

"At first they gave chase," said the Chief, "but they gave up.  Now they just keep sipping ther coffee and eating their dougnuts as we whiz by."

"Congratulations on the new fleet, Chief," I said.  "Is there anything more we can look forward to in the near future?"

"Yes, we're having an open house in the Spring.  The whole town's invited.  It will be to welcome our three Blackhawk helicopters."

"Blackhawks?" I asked.

"Yes," said the Chief.  "They'll be landing right in our front parking lot.  It'll be quite a sight.  And they'll have those little machine guns on them that spit out 3,000 rounds per minute, you know, for those special occasions when we'll need a little extra firepower. "  

The message here is very clear:  If you're thinking of committing a criminal act, take it elsewhere, don't do it in Dennis.  By the time you look in your rear-view mirror to see if the cops are behind you, they'll be in front of you.  And you might feel the skids of a Blackhawk crushing in your roof at the same time. 

Chief, can I get a ride in one of those Lamborghinis?  Front seat of course--not the back seat with handcuffs on, please.