The Phantom Cyclist

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 9

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Brewster Star Gate.

Star Gate Schmar Gate. I know what you're thinking: "They're all the same." Not so, thank you very much.   This one is completely different from any Star Gate you've seen on TV or in the Movies - or read about in a book. Different, even, from any one you might have traveled through yourself.

The Star Gate in Brewster, on the Cape Cod Rail Trail, automatically cleans your clothes, brightens your teeth, cancels all outstanding parking tickets, gets you season tickets to the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins games, gives you 3 free nights at the Chatham Bars Inn - plus a free dinner for two couples at Chillingsworth's, puts a new Ferrari in your garage, adds $10,000 to your off-shore bank account, lowers your cholesterol, gives you six-pack abs, firms up your buttocks, loses that 10 pounds you wanted to drop, and makes you completely invisible to the IRS -- all in one swift "ZOOOORRRRKK!" *

Sounds truly magnificent, doesn't it? I'm not making this up. I did it myself and I'll vouch for its authenticity. As an added benefit, there are no 'alien struggle' after-effects like other Star Gates can leave you with.

But, you have to know the secret of traveling through it to get the full effect - or you will just come out on the other side the same way you went in. The first step is to give up all diet drinks. The artificial sweeteners act as a diuretic and will have you stopping along the trails more often than you'd like. This is important, because you have to hit the Star Gate at exactly 10:01 a.m. (that's when it opens for all adventurers and there are only 59 seconds for everyone to bike through). Along with that, there can be no traces of drugs or alcohol (perscription or recreational) in your system. Once you've determined that your system is free and clear, you're ready to proceed.

Remember, that the Brewster Star Gate experience is on a first come first served basis. Line up quietly in the order you arrive, and be considerate of the other Star Gate adventurers. As soon as the Star Gate begins flashing in cosmic green it's time to proceed.

When it's your turn, pedal through at a moderate pace. If you go through too slowly, others will think you're greedy. If you go through too fast, you might not get the full effect of cosmic zapping needed to ensure your rewards. Pedal through in the exact center of the Star Gate. When you reach the middle go "Whooooooo…. Whooooooo!" and exit on the other side. Please assume your regular position to the right of the bike trail. All should be well - and your Star Gate benefits will be waiting for you when you arrive home after your Cape Cod vacation.

If, in the unlikely event, you arrive home and do not find your Star Gate benefits waiting for you, this could be for a couple of reasons. 1. Your system was not completely clean. 2. The Brewster Board of Selectmen have gone and decreased the cosmic voltage supply at the Star Gate in order to have the air conditioners running in their offices at a cooler temperature.

If you suspect that your benefits were denied because of the latter reason, you can call, e-mail - or write a letter of protest to the Brewster Board of Selectmen at:

Brewster Town Offices
2198 Main St
Brewster, MA 02631
Phone: (508) 896-3701
Fax: (508) 896-8089
brewster@town.brewster.ma.us

So, if you're looking for some "Star" treatment, get yourself to the Star Gate in Brewster - and be prepared for a most amazing experience.

* If you bike through the Star Gate with a pet, they will receive an amount of prizes equal to their needs in pet life. No Ferraris or things like that, but some really neat stuff nevertheless.
--- The Phantom Cyclist