The Phantom Cyclist

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 13

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Electro-magnetic Rotary, Harwich.

Harwich is known for being in the forefront of technology here on Cape Cod. It has an Internet Café, the Library is set up for Wi-Fi, the Thrift Shop has a web site - and many stores have electronic cash registers. Even the church carillon is electronic.

This year, Harwich is introducing something a bit radical for visitors to the Cape Cod Bike Trails. It's called the Electro-magnetic Rotary. A strong magnetic force-field generator has been installed at the bike rotary to help regulate traffic, so there is no congestion on the bike paths during the high season in summer.

You will notice a gray steel cylinder in the photo above. This houses the specially developed magnetic force-field generator that is responsible for creating the computerized field. It is patterned after the "Bubblejet" memory Canon printers use; but it has bigger, more powerful bubbles.

Let me explain how it works. The generator, which is fitted with motion sensors, detects the level of traffic: light, medium, heavy. Usually, during periods when bike traffic is light, the force-field is in sleep or standby mode. When traffic increases to medium, a warning light goes on to notify cyclists that they should be aware of changes about to occur. When bike traffic is heavy, the force-field generator kicks into high gear and sets up an electro-magnetic field that governs and re-directs traffic in a matter of nano-seconds.

Okay, now that you've got a mental picture of the force-field, let's see how this works in actual practice - with cyclists about to enter the rotary - or who are already in it.

When the rotary and/or its corresponding paths become overloaded with cyclists, the electro-magnetic generator encloses it with an invisible force-field that automatically puts up an electronic wall to hold approaching cyclists at bay. Those already in the force-field are whisked around in the rotary at a swift pace to their intended trajectory - off to either, Brewster/Orleans/Wellfleet; Harwich Center/Chatham; or to the trailhead in Dennis.

Cyclists must keep their eyes on their respective exits, which are fitted with roundish red/yellow/green warning lights. A red light means 'continue around the rotary until the light turns green.' A yellow light means 'proceed with caution through your exit, because there may be other bikes in the way.' A green light means 'put the pedal to the metal and zip through the exit to your appointed destination.'

Several glitches have already occurred since the beginning of the cycling season, but the Harwich Town Department has been diligently working to correct them. One glitch revealed that the force-field settings still needed tweaking. The generator had a habit of sucking change and other items out of cyclist's 'fanny packs' and pockets. Two gold fillings, 3 sets of dentures, 2 bras with metal snaps, and 4 hearing aids were also discovered in the generator's 'catch-all' bin. Fifteen watches have made their way into the generator housing; 7 of which have proven to be fake Rolexes. Hopefully, this will be sorted out soon. Any unclaimed watches or change will be donated to local charities.

Harwich town employees have been testing the rotary for several weeks and there are still a few kinks to be worked out. On one occasion, the field switch was accidentally set at 'Warp Speed 5'. Several employees were zipped around like a centrifuge and became airborne. Thankfully, none of them were catapulted into the trees or bushes because of the height of the force-field. They complained only of a mild dizziness and were sent home to recuperate. A 'locking gate' now covers the 'Warp Speed' area of the switch board.

On another occasion, the force-field computer operator went off-duty early and 23 town employees were forced to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening locked in the force-field after the Windows Vista operating system coaxed itself into limbo. When the employees were discovered asleep on the job in the morning, they were docked a day's pay. After protesting this action and hiring a lawyer from the ACLU, their pay was re-instated. Hopefully, this incident will be expunged from their job performance reviews.

By the time you read this article, the force-field should be working "pretty close to perfection," as one unnamed town employe said. The Windows Vista software of the initial system kept closing, or failing to close when prompted - and turned the force-field into a blue screen on 6 different occasions. The "Runtime Error!" message appeared so frequently that it soon became an old friend.

The Windows Vista software is still experiencing some 'interference' problems with people wearing body jewelry in the rotary, which has caused some very embarrassing moments for cyclists when their jewelry starts transmitting Cape Cod radio stations. Men are asked to refrain from touching the dials when this happens.

Breast implants also pose a problem, as the force-field tends to enlarge them, creating semi-lethal weapons which have acted like ping-pong paddles, knocking cyclists off their bikes and injuring some small dogs. Beta copies of Windows 7, (The full version is due out in the Fall), seem to have corrected most of these problems.

The rumor of a chihuahua being sucked into the generator, published in the Harwich Oracle, (and later picked up by The National Inquirer, Reuters and the Associated Press) has proven to be false. He was only chasing a ball thrown by his owner and bounded into the opening on his own. He was retrieved after 3 hours by the town fire/ rescue department using a pack of "Snausages" to lure him out - and appeared to be unharmed. According to a local witness, "He was one lucky pup."

To date, nobody has been lost in the vortex and no pets have been permanently harmed. "And that's a good thing," as Martha Stewart would say. Let's hope the season stays error-free.

If you would like to learn more about the electro-magnetic force-field rotary traffic governor, (EMFFRT-G for short) you can write to the Harwich Town Hall. They will be happy to send you a free brochure describing how it works, and what you should do about missing watches and loose change, etc. Ask for brochure HAR-EMFFRT-G1. Please enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Use the contact information below.

Harwich Town Hall
732 Main St.,
Harwich Center, MA 02645
PH: (508) 430-7514 FAX: (508) 432-5039
Hours: Mon: 8:30AM - 8PM, Tue - Thu: 8:30AM - 4PM, Fri: 8:30AM - 12PM

PLEASE NOTE: Use Caution! If you wear a hearing aid, implants, a pacemaker or dentures, do not enter the rotary when the force-field is engaged. There are signs posted, so please be aware of them. It is suggest that if you carry a small dog, please make sure they are strapped into their baskets. Also, if you have large hooters, please make sure they are strapped in, too.

-- The Phantom Cyclist