Off-the-Shelf

Poker with the Saints

"God does not play dice with the universe."

-- Quote attributed to Albert Einstein in reference to the uncertainty principle governing the theories of quantum mechanics.

It may be true that God does not play dice with the universe, but it is a known fact that He does play poker every Friday night with saints Peter, Paul, and John. Normally, St. Peter brings the beer, St. Paul brings the potato chips, and St. John brings the cigars. God always shows up empty handed, claiming that, "Hey, I created everything! What the hell else do you want from me?!"

***

The following fragments, consisting of incongruous quotes and indeterminate musings, represent scribbled notes on bits of paper squirreled away over the past months, none of which developed into a full-blown blog. Thank God!!

{Musical accompaniment: Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Expedition, No. 2: Il Vecchio Castello.}

***

Collision

Astronomers revealed that the planet Jupiter was recently struck by either an asteroid or a comet, which brings to mind that 101 years ago, in June 1908, it is believed that the fragment of a comet collided with the earth's atmosphere over Siberia, Russia, creating a powerful airburst explosion equivalent to upwards of a thousand Hiroshimas.

Known as the Tunguska Event, the collision of the two heavenly bodies leveled some 800 square miles of Siberian forests. Unfortunately, at that time the earth was not carrying the optional collision insurance and had to pay for all damages out of pocket.

***

Farming

"All men keep the farm in reserve as an asylum where, in case of mischance, to hide their poverty -- or a solitude, if they do not succeed in society."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson, from the essay "Farming"

Reading some Emerson earlier in the year, I became interested in a particular essay he wrote back in 1858 on the subject of farming, as I was in the process of planting seeds toward producing a small garden - mainly tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, and peas. I wouldn't call it a Victory Garden. It's more of a Vacuity Garden, as thus far I have not seen much progress in the production of any of the above.

Not much of a farmer, I don't expect much of a harvest. But it gives me something to putter with as I contemplate the existence of God and whether or not He, too, would go with the higher deductible in order to bring down His auto insurance premiums.

***

Division of Labors

Emerson also had this to say about farming:

"The glory of the farmer is that, in the division of labors, it is his part to create. All trade rests at last on his primitive activity. He stands close to Nature; he obtains from the earth the bread and the meat. The food which was not, he causes to be."

Something similar might be said of the struggling writer:

"The glory of the writer is that, in the division of labors, it is his part to create. Very little trade rests at last on his primitive activity ... which began thousands and thousands of years ago with crude drawings on cave walls and which has progressed little since. He sits close to the typewriter; he obtains from the refrigerator moldy bread and half a glass of milk two days past its expiration date. The pain and anguish which was not, he causes to be."

***

Acorn Squash

"Cucumber seeds; an empty bottle of whisky,

Tomato seeds; an empty bottle of rum,

Zucchini seeds; a full bottle too risky,

Hidden 'neath weeds in yonder wheelbarrow; yum!"

- Thomas J. McSheey, lunatic poet and tipsy garden

Researching my favorite poet, T. J. McSheey, in the archives at Stoneycliff University, I discovered this spirituous little ditty that he apparently wrote one day while out in his barn where, within his line of vision, he viewed gardening tools and seed packets ... and some empty liquor bottles that had not yet made their way to the town landfill. He quickly combined the whole lot upon the pages of his scribbled notebook to create a folksy air, set to the music of Greensleeves, on the subject of planting and drinking, and planting and drinking some more.

McSheey was a pagan, and worshipped zucchini as if some sort of god. In total, he wrote more than 30 poems on the subject of zucchini alone, another dozen on pumpkins and gourds, and many more that made reference to summer squash. Interesting, he never wrote a poem about acorn squash, which has baffled McSheey scholars for decades.

***

Chicken or Fish?

"Hiding poverty in the midst of a deep economic downturn is like trying to hide the fact that you were forced to eat a fellow hiker in order to survive after emerging alone, cold, tired, and unshaven from a week in the mountains without food -- not that that particular scenario has ever happened to me!"

- Prof. I. M. Carnivorous, noted economist and suspected cannibal

Professor I. M. Carnivorous was the sole survivor of a failed attempt to climb Mount Washington back in the winter of 1933 with a small group of fellow economists. On the fourth cold night, with all food long exhausted, he lulling the other hikers asleep with a longwinded treatise on his theories of supply and demand ... and then swiftly dispatched each of them with a sharpened slide rule.

Though his survival was at first considered a miracle, his cannibalistic tendencies were later revealed at an economics society dinner held in his honor in Boston when he was asked whether he wanted chicken or fish, to which he responded that he'd much prefer to have his colleague, Professor Hetchelton, cooked medium well done, and served with a baked potato and sour cream.

***

Indoctrination

"Above the bustle of the everyday rite,

Bells chime in a steeple, tall and white,

Above the din of the traffic below,

Tintinnabulation, high and low."

- J.T.S., in a moment of religious reflection, wherein he wrestles with his belief system, which is built on scientific speculation about the nature of the universe based on the established theories of quantum physics, yet plagued by the Catholic indoctrination of his growing up years, which consisted of mass every Sunday morning and CCD classes on Tuesday afternoons after school ... and besides, he's always wanted to use the word "tintinnabulation" in a blog entry.

***

How to Succeed

After watching a late-night TV infomercial, I ordered a number of "reverse-motivational" books, tapes, and DVDs that have completely change my life!

I first received a book entitled "How to Succeed at Absolutely Nothing." After reading it, the wheels in my head began turning and I immediately made some irreversible and utterly irresponsible business decisions that sent my costs way up and my sales way down. In no time my small business was in the red!

I next received a DVD entitled "Ten Simple Ways to Screw Up Every Time." Soon, my bank accounts were exhausted, I was filing for bankruptcy, and my credit score was plummeting like a lead zeppelin!

Finally, I received a series of cassette tapes - "When the Going Gets Tough, Quit" - which I played in my car wherever I went. Following this program, I've now lost absolutely everything. In fact, just this morning my car was repossessed. And tomorrow, the bank is putting my house up for auction!

But that's okay - I still have my dream - a dream to see myself self-implode into a black hole of debt and financial ruin. And no one is going to take that dream away from me!!

Jack Sheedy

In my next blog: Professor Carnivorous orders dessert ... while St. John bets it all on a pair of Jacks, only to lose to God's five Aces. The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways. (He also plays poker in mysterious ways!).