Off-the-Shelf

Loaves & Fishes, With Dip

In this blog entry, I follow up my earlier entry in which I clear the decks of fragments of ideas which have haunted me over the past year, ideas which began with promise, yet which never quite reached fruition, dying on the vine, one might say.

I provide them here as a sort of literary cleansing of the soul.

So I can move on with my life.

And get some shut-eye.

{Musical accompaniment: Puccini's Nessun Dorma}

***

Poetic License

A certain obscure New England writer used any opportunity to let the public know he was a poet. In fact, one time he sped around the streets of his hometown until finally he was pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the man's car and demanded to see his license and registration.

"Of course, officer," said the man as he handed him his automobile registration and a laminated card that displayed his photograph, his name, and beneath his name, the title "Poet."

Pointing to the card, the officer asked, "What the hell is this?"

"That, sir, is my poetic license," he replied.

Clearly not amused, the police officer swiftly wrote out a $125 ticket: $100 for speeding, and an additional $25 for flagrant use of a poorly executed witticism along a public road.

***

Loaves and Fishes

It began as a typical summer Sunday of mowing the lawn and washing the car, when suddenly people from my past and present began to arrive at my front door. First to arrive was my old college roommate, and his new wife, and her three children from a future marriage. Next was a buddy from high school, who brought along a woman he met recently at a demolition derby competition (apparently she was the driver of Car #6 -- a 1977 AMC Hornet).

My mailman arrived with a letter he forgot to deliver on the previous day. My old woodworking teacher from high school arrived, dressed in overalls, with a sketch in hand of a new and improved napkin holder he had come up with. And my priest from the local parish arrived to ask why I had not been in church that morning.

Then, one by one, family members arrived, some of which I had thought dead for years. With all the commotion, neighbors began to mosey by to see what was going on. The last person to arrive was my tax accountant, yelling to me above the din that I was not withholding enough federal tax and would have to file an estimated tax payment in the third quarter.

With all these people milling about, perhaps two or three hundred people, and with it being the noon hour, I realized that I would be expected to feed these folks or else risk a social faux pas. Weaving my way to the kitchen, I found half a bag of potato chips on the counter. In the refrigerator I located three beers, a nearly empty bottle of chardonnay, five hot dogs buns, and two hot dogs. Knowing this was not enough to feed the crowd now invading my house (and spilling out onto my front lawn and back yard), I remembered from my childhood CCD classes that Jesus once faced a similar situation when he was expected to feed the multitudes while preaching near the sea of Tī-bē'-rĭ-ăs.

So I made my way into the living room, to the bookshelf, and located the Holy Bible. Flipping to the New Testament, I read from the Gospel of John, the chapter in which Christ feeds the five thousand with five loaves and two fishes, and then I turned to address the crowd in my house, saying unto them:

"I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth in me shall never thirst." (John 6:35)

"That's great, Jack," replied my former college roommate, "but I could really go for a hot dog and a beer."

So I tried again:

"I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." (John 6:51)

"How about if you at least put out a bowl of chips and some dip for starters," said my high school buddy.

"And I'd like a glass of merlot!" barked his demolition derby date.

I tried one last time:

"Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up on the last day." (John 6:54)

"Hey, Jack," called out my woodworking teacher, "Where do you keep your napkins?"

Realizing that they would not be fed, the whole crowd eventually filed out and very soon I was left alone with my tax accountant. So I asked him:

"Will ye also go away?" (John 6:67)

My tax accountant replied as he departed, "Thou hast the words of eternal life" (John 6:68), referring to the paperwork he left behind on my coffee table -- Form 1040-ES: Estimated Tax for Individuals, along with all the accompanying instructions, worksheets, and tax rate schedules.

Ä'-mĕn.

***

Greatest Mothers of All Time

I had wanted to post a blog for Mother's Day, but it never materialized. In it, I had planned to list the greatest mothers of all time throughout history, from the very beginning of the world to modern times. Well, here goes:

1 - Eve - Kind of a no-brainer, after all, besides being the mother of Cain and Abel she also is the grandmother, great-grandmother, etc. of all of humanity. When asked her reaction on being selected the Greatest Mother of All Time, she replied, "Well, it's about damn time! It has been 6,000 years you know! It would have been nice if you had recognized me while I was still alive, instead of posthumously, after I've been dead for six millennia. Humph!"

2 - Virgin Mary - For Christians, the mother of Jesus should be recognized as one of the top mothers of all time. Not only was she the mother of the Messiah, but she also volunteered for the PTA and could always be counted on to bake brownies for school fundraisers.

3 - Mother Teresa - Although not an actual mother, she was an inspiration to many, and a voice for the downtrodden. And besides, she made a wicked peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

4 - Mother Nature - Although not an actual person, per se, she is clearly a force to be reckoned with. Just ask anyone who's been through a hurricane or a typhoon or a tornado or even a rain of toads!

5 - Feodor Vassilyev - Unlike Mother Nature, Feodor Vassilyev was an actual person. And unlike Mother Teresa, Ms. Vassilyev was an actual mother. In fact, Ms. Vassilyev, who lived in Russia from 1707-1782, was the mother of 69 children - a world record (I think). She had something like 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. And yet, somehow she still found time to join a bowling league.

Runner ups for the category of "Greatest Moms of All Time" include: Sarah (Abraham's wife/Isaac's mother), Jochebed (Moses' mother), Martha Washington (if George is the "father" of our country, then Martha must certainly be the "mother"), Whistler's mother, the Mothers of Invention, Demeter (Greek earth-mother goddess), Maya (Buddha's mother), and Jocasta (the mother, and also the wife!, of Oedipus).

***

Unresponsive

A recent news story told of the death of a certain fellow. His wife said she realized her husband was dead when she discovered him on the couch in the living room "unresponsive."

A husband ... on the couch ... unresponsive?! If that's all it takes to declare a guy dead these days, then three-quarters of the men in this country are technically deceased!

***

Spiritual Scores

In spiritual sports action today, Christianity beat Islam by a score of 2 billion followers to 1.2 billion. Hinduism outmatched Secular/Agnostics 828 million to 775 million. In a close match, Chinese Traditional Religion edged out Buddhism by a score of 390 million followers to 364 million. Tribal Religions/Shamanism trounced Atheists in a blowout, 232 million to 150 million. Judaism easily handled Baha'i Faith 14.5 million to 7.4 million. And Shinto and Taoism played to a 2.7 million to 2.7 million tie. While today's match between Spiritualism and Wicca was postponed due to a rain of toads. (That darn Mother Nature!)

^{(Source: www.religioustolerance.org)}

Jack Sheedy

"Nessun dorma, nessun dorma"

(Translation: "None shall sleep, none shall sleep")

(That is, not with my 12-year old dog Lucy and her weak bladder waking me up to go out at all hours of the night!)