Off-the-Shelf

Knuckleheads of Genesis

The Book of Genesis is brimming with great biblical characters - Adam, Eve, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph.

And, of course, we cannot forget Ham, Jā'-phĕth, and Shem - the three sons of Noah.

Before Moe, Larry, and Shemp, there were Ham, Jā'-phĕth, and Shem, affectionately known throughout the Holy Land as the "Three Knuckleheads of the Book of Genesis." Their slapstick antics and moronic wordplay are sprinkled throughout the pages of Genesis, from the Great Flood to the Tower of Babel.

In fact, it is believed that these three morons actually caused the Great Flood during one sidesplitting episode (entitled "I Smell an Ararat") in which they played a trio of inept plumbers repairing pipes at the exclusive Mt. Ararat Country Club & Spa.

And some theologians believe that not only did the building of the Tower of Babel by these three idiots result in the confusion of tongues, thus confounding the language of the people, and thus scattering the peoples throughout the earth, but that this particular episode (entitled "Tower of Rabble") also ended in a good, old-fashioned pie fight.

So, here is their tale - Ham, Jā'-phĕth, and Shem - taken from Genesis Chapters 6 thru 11, "when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them." God help us all!

{Musical accompaniment: "Three Blind Mice" on violin}

*****

A black and white scene opens upon three, short, funny looking biblical men all asleep in one bed, snoring. The narrator saith:

"And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth ... And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repententh me that I have made them. But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord ... Noah was a just man and perfect in his generation, and Noah walked with God." (Gen. 6:5-9)

"And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Jā'-phĕth." (Gen. 6:10)

The alarm clock's ringing awakens the man sleeping in the middle, Ham, the one with the bowl-shaped haircut. He sits up in bed, rubs his face, and then looks down at his two sleeping brothers snoring on either side of him. Finally, he bops both of them on their foreheads with his two fists, accompanied by a pair of sound effects resembling a hammer striking a piece of steel pipe.

"Come on you two, wake up!" he barks. The other two men, Shem and Jā'-phĕth, sit up in bed, nursing their sore foreheads.

"Gee, Ham, what did you do that for?" asks Jā'-phĕth, who, though bald on top of his head, has a full crop of curls along the sides.

"Because today is the day we've gotta start building the ark."

"Ark?" replies Jā'-phĕth, "What ark?"

"The ark that we bought all that wood for yesterday!" barks Ham as he reaches out and rips free a handful of Jā'-phĕth's hair.

"Ouch!" cries Jā'-phĕth.

"Hey, you shouldn't do that!" says Shem, the brother with the face like a worn catcher's mitt.

"You're right," says Ham. "I guess I should have done this instead!" With that, he pokes Shem in the eyes with two fingers.

"Owwww!!" cries Shem.

"Come on you two!" orders Ham as he pulls his brothers out of bed by their hair.

*****

Later, at the job site...

"Gee Ham, how big are we supposed to build the ark?" asks Jā'-phĕth.

"I don't know. Let's ask Shem. He has the blueprints."

Looking over at Shem, they see him eating a sandwich wrapped in some sort of papyrus.

"Enjoying your sandwich?" asks Ham, smiling ... and then slapping Shem across the face.

"Hey, what gives?" asks Shem.

"That papyrus you've wrapped your sandwich in is the blueprint for the ark, you idiot!" barks Ham.

"Oh, so it is," replies Shem. Ham grabs the papyrus away from Shem and hands it to Jā'-phĕth.

"Here genius, you figure it out."

"Hmmm," says Jā'-phĕth, "Let's see, it says here: And God said unto Noah ... The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits." (Gen. 6:14-15)

"Three hundred cubits..." says Ham, rubbing his chin as if in deep thought.

"Hey, Ham," blurts Shem, "What's a cubit?"

"What's a cubit, he asks," says Ham, shaking his head and looking at Jā'-phĕth. "How the heck do I know what a cubit is." He then slaps Shem in the face, gives him a fist to the belly, and bops him in the forehead.

"Hey Ham," says Jā'-phĕth, referring to the papyrus, "It says here that one cubit equals two spans."

"Oh, is that so," replies Ham, smiling. "And what is a span?"

"A span equals three palms," announces Jā'-phĕth.

"Oh, now we're getting somewhere," says Ham, smiling and nodding his head. "So, professor, what is a palm?"

"It says one palm equals four digits," says Jā'-phĕth, feeling confident about himself.

"And what, exactly, is a digit?" asks Ham with arms crossed.

"It don't say," says Jā'-phĕth.

"Oh really ... well how about you pick two digits," says Ham, offering his hand.

"One, two," says Jā'-phĕth, picking two of Ham's fingers, with which the bowl-shaped haircut man pokes the curly-haired man in the eyes. A melee of face slapping, and top-of-the-head conking, and stomach punching, and eye gouging commences until their father, Noah, happens by to see the progress being made on the ark.

"What have you three morons been up to?!" asks Noah as he grabs Shem and Jā'-phĕth by the backs of their collars and lifts them off the ground.

"Hey, Pops," says Ham, standing there with two thumbs in his suspenders, "We're just about to begin work."

"I hope so," replies Noah. "God says He's going to 'cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights' - that'll be something like a billion ephahs of water."

"No problem, Pops. We'll have this ark built in no time," assures Ham.

"Well, see to it!" says Noah as he departs.

"Okay, you knuckleheads, get building!" barks Ham to his two brothers as he slaps each on the back of the head.

"Hey, Jā'-phĕth," says Shem, as he picks up a long timber of hewn wood, turns, and accidentally strikes Ham with it on the back of the head, knocking him down, "What's an ephah?"

"Well, it says here," says Jā'-phĕth referring to the papyrus, "An ephah equals three seahs, and one seah equals three-and-a-half omers, and one omer equals one and four-fifths cabs..."

"That's enough you two morons!" barks Ham, back on his feet and rubbing the back of his head. "Get to work!"

With that, he swings at their faces with the palm of an open hand. SLAP!! SLAP!!

Jack Sheedy

Next time: "After the waters were abated," with the ark resting at Mt. Ararat, Noah sends forth a dove, which returns with an olive branch in its mouth, only to drop the branch in Jā'-phĕth's nest of hair and then bites Shem on the nose in a classic episode entitled "40 Daze of Rain."