Mr. Mom I am not

Single Parents part 1

I was looking through the parent-student directory for my son's preschool the other day and I noticed something that seemed odd to me.  Well, actually it shouldn't have seemed odd all and at one time in our history normal, but not anymore.  Oddly enough, the thing that seemed so odd is that all but one of the children that attend his school (all classes not just his) has two parents.

At one point in our history it was normal to get married and then have children.  It was normal not to divorce and it was normal to be ashamed of getting pregnant out of wedlock.  Why? We knew that it is difficult and expensive to raise children in single parent homes. That is why they used to have children and widows funds.  In a two parent home the kids have the influence of two adults who love them at almost all times.  Parents can decide to have one stay home with the children for some portion of their early lives, saving on day care costs, or work opposite shifts so one is always home.  Even when one spouse travels for work the other knows she or he will get some help soon.  The children too know that the other parent will be there soon.  And the children recognize that each parent has a role in their lives. The parents can decide what that is. A single parent has to be everything to the children and earn the income.  Of course many single parent homes are superior to many two parent homes and we all know someone who has done a great job raising kids on her (usually it is a women) own.

However the statistics on single parent households are frightening.  At some point in their young lives at least 50% of all children in the US will live in a single parent home.  At any given time 30% of all US children are living in single parent homes.  The effects of raising children in single parent homes can be devastating.  Children from single parent homes have a significantly greater tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol, engage in sexual activity at a young age, drop out of school, perform poorly in school, commit crimes, and so forth.  As a matter of fact in many of these categories if we eliminated single parent households the rates of these activities would drop by 70% or more.  That is 70% fewer kids dropping out of school or committing crimes.

It is easy to see the opposite effects of the two parent households on the kids in my son's school. The children are learning to read and write, do simple mathematics, learn history, and all seem to be well socially adjusted.  These kids will be more than ready for school when they start kindergarten within the next few years.  Statistics show that if these kids remain in two parent homes they will do well in school and avoid problems with drugs, alcohol, sex, and will do better after school in either going on to college or work.

There is nothing different about these families at my son's school other than they have made a commitment to family.  Many of the kids have one parent home most of the day.  That's it that is all that is different.  I am sure some parents read to their kids and practice writing and some may just plunk them in front of television.  But it doesn't matter.  For some reason kids from two parent homes do better than kids from single parent homes.

There are many reasons for single parent families.  And of course everyone can point to a great single parent family were the children are doing just fine.  Don't forget even if as many as 70% of children from single parent families have some sort of problem 30% don't.  Yes I know that kids from single parent homes can even become President.

And many single family situations are temporary, which is to say parents re-marry (or marry in a sort of backwards chain of events).

The biggest issue is that the adults in these situations cant seem to understand that once you have kids your world is no longer about yourself.  That means you must commit to a secure relationship soon after you have made the decision to have kids.  You must stay away from personal gratification that can damage that relationship too. Excessive drinking, drugs, casual sex, spending food money on a video game, skipping work to watch a baseball game are all activities for the childless.  Of course you shouldn't stay in a relationship where one partner is acting like this or is abusive but you can't just quit right away either.

What is going to be interesting to me is when my sons go off to kindergarten and first grade and they are in classes with students from single parent homes.  Will the kids from my sons pre-school be ahead of the kids in the class from single parent homes?