The Belly Check

Merry Christmas From The Sports Desk

We produce content on holidays.

First off... we want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Football, Family, Fun, Feasting, Friends, Frost and Fornication... whatever your thing is, get you some of it this weekend.

The Sports Desk will be heading to Florida for a wedding (congratulations to Frank and Anne). We'll try to update from Ocala, but we'll have kids and we'll be near Disney. If you're hating me for going to Florida while you wade through the waist deep snow, I can understand.

No, we're not bringing the actual Sports Desk. That stays in Hyannis Port. It's heavy.

Highs in the 60s most of next week, with some 70s. That, in a relative context to someone who just had 22 friggin' inches of snow drift up/over/around the house as they huddled by a fireplace while rightfully cursing Canada, works.

I'm not looking forward to the flight. I actually hate flying enough that I developed a mantra I use whenever someone tries to convince me to take a flight anywhere. I basically do a bad imitation of B.A. Baracus from The A Team.

B.A. hated to fly. This was a prescient course of action on his part, as most A Team episodes involved the gang breaking their pilot out of a mental institution. Hannibal made a point of not mentioning any flight plans to Baracus until the absolute last moment.

Baracus would protest vehemently. He always used the same line when flight was mentioned... "I ain't fliyin' in no plane." Someone standing behind the conversation would then use a fast-acting sedative on Baracus, and they would tell him that he fell asleep as they drove in a car from LA to Cuba.

Now, I'm considerably less influential than B.A. Baracus. I adopted the phrase anyway, opting to utilize Attrition where Mr. T used the threat of Force. Any time that the possibility of flight was mentioned, I would lower my voice into a growl and utilize the Mantra:

"We need you in Houston."

"I ain't flyin' in no plane."

"You work for us.. we need you in Houston."

"I ain't flyin' in no plane."

"C'mon... it's a baseball game."

"I ain't flyin' in no plane."

Not one other reply is proffered on my part until the subject changes. Nobody sane can take more than five minutes of that, and I eventually get my way. It works with sisters, spouses, college friends, and even AOL. If I can't drive to it, f*ck it.

My last trip any further than Providence was in an Amtrak. Trains wreck more per/passenger than a plane does, but it's a Quality Of Death issue. If I'm dying young, I'd rather it be sudden. Air travel is overrated. I've been here and I've been there... here is better.

This is my brother's wedding, though... so dash away, dash away, dash away, all.

UPDATE: My flight actually wasn't that bad. I sat next to a nice girl named Hannah, and she kind of kept me from freaking out. I'm in Florida now, and there was no terror involved.

Two funny travel notes:

1) North Carolina has rocking chairs in the airport. It looks just like someone's front porch in Mayberry, til the DC-10 lands.
2) While I was at Charlotte Airport, someone kept paging Charles Dickens. I was going to pick it up, but I didn't want to end up being portrayed unsympathetically if he wrote Tale Of Two Cities II.

 Season's Beatings, everyone!!!

Favorite / Spread / Underdog (home team in CAPS)

Dallas / 7 / WASHINGTON

If Jim Zorn asked for a BB gun this Christmas, you almost get the sense that Santa would shoot him with it.

Dallas, 27-16

SAN FRANCISCO / 12 / Detroit

Detroit may actually rest a few starters to keep them focused on losing the critical game next week.

SF, 24-13

CLEVELAND / OFF / Oakland

Two losers will meet to produce one winner, although the winner will actually be the loser because the loser will be the winner of the higher draft choice (where losers choose before winners, assembling the talent to move from loser status at the expense of the former winners) the following spring.

Oakland, 10-7

SAN DIEGO /3/ Tennessee

We beat Tennessee by 59 points, so I don't see them doing any better on the road against a more effective Chargers squad. San Diego may start resting people now, though.. so stare long and hard at that point spread, kids.

Sandy, 20-14 

GREEN BAY / 14 / Seattle

Wisconsin will breathe much easier if they wrap this one up early.

GB 23-6

CINCINNATI / 14 / Kansas City

You don't hassle Matt Cassel with that 14 point spread. Make it 17.

Ocho-Cincy, 31-14

ATLANTA / 8.5 / Buffalo

Like me, Buffalo will ditch the snow for some nice Confederate weather. They'll lose the game of football, but they'll win the game of Life.

Atlanta, 20-14

MIAMI / 3 / Houston

Whoever loses is out of the playoffs... and whoever wins is out of the playoffs too, unless there are like five NFL team charter plane crashes.

Houston, 24-21

N.Y. GIANTS / 7 / Carolina

New York simply can't lose this game... which is fortunate, because eight times this season, Carolina has been unable to simply win a particular game.

NYG, 20-17

NEW ORLEANS / 14.5 / Tampa Bay

The Saints beat us by more than 14, and we're way better than Tampa... but they may rest some starters for the playoffs, so this spread may be a lure.

NO, 27-9

NEW ENGLAND / 8 / Jacksonville

Just one win in two weeks, Santa... these guys or the next guys.... it doesn't really matter which or when, just That.

 NE, 20-17

PITTSBURGH / 2.5 / Baltimore

Pitt can still make the playoffs, but it involves 9 teams losing every game they play for the next two weeks. Santa just can't fit that down a chimney.

Baltimore, 14-13

PHILADELPHIA / 7 / Denver

As you drink egg nog and leave out milk and cookies, Michael Vick is thinking about if/how he could get two reindeer to fight. They tend to be fairly jolly, but if you starve and torment them a bit... who knows?

I can see him on the phone. "I can only get them in Finland??? Can't those motherf*ckers fly here??"

Philthy, 27-17

ARIZONA / 14 / St. Louis

Someone should offer St. Louis a spot in the Cotton Bowl or something, just to see if they accept.

Arizona, 34-6

INDIANAPOLIS / 5.5 / NY Jets

Now, I'm a little sensitive about this, because I don't like to fly and I'm about to fly anyhow... but, since 9/11, I've really wished that the New York Jets would change their name. "New York Jets" is akin to changing the name of our NBA team to the Boston Stranglers.

Indy, 30-7

Minnesota / 7 / CHICAGO

They should have more stuff like this video below.

Minnesota, 31-13

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight.