The Belly Check

Cape Cod Today 2010 NFL Mock Draft!

Ignorance is no excuse to not make selections

I don't watch college football, as we rarely have a team with any chance of beating someone. My only interest in college football lies with A) betting and B) who the Patriots are going to draft.

However, the Sports Desk is able to conduct a mock draft based on our ability to interpret Hype. Even when our draft doesn't match the actual NFL draft, most experts agree that the teams who didn't draft who I told them to should have drafted who I told them to.

As per tradition, we link this into the fine Mock Draft Database at HailRedskins... here's the addy:    They're a fine resource.

Look upon me and despair.... there are few lower moments in a sports fan's life than when he or she sets themselves to watching a draft. Non-sports fans just don't get it, and look at me like they would if I suddenly started fixing up a heroin shot at a parent-teacher conference.

But I digress... on to the mocking:

1) ST. LOUIS.. Sam Bradford, QB

He's not the best player in the draft, but he's the best at the most important position. Unless he asks for the stars, the moon and the sun salary-wise, you can take this pick to the bank.

2) DETROIT... Ndamukong Suh, DL

Pronounced "Ndamukong Suh." I'd like the Pats to move up and get this kid. I've seen film of him holding off a 300 pound tackle with one hand, while reaching out and swatting down a 230 tailback with the other. If you've ever seen a bear attack someone, it looked kinda like that. He can also play DE in a 3-4. He has "Kong" in his name, for crissakes!

3) TAMPA BAY.... Gerald McCoy, DT

Someone on ESPN described this young man's physique as "a fridge with a bowling ball on top." No, he's not related to Colt McCoy. In fact, this McCoy may have injured that McCoy at some point.

4) WASHINGTON.... Russell Okung, OT

If this powerhouse were around when continental drift began, he could have held Africa and South America together with his hands alone.

5) KANSAS CITY... Dez Bryant, WR

They should take Eric Berry, but it's hard to sell season tickets with a motto of "Come watch us go three-and-out all season!"

6) SEATTLE... CJ Spiller, RB

Seattle can use the Dez Bryant Justification shown in the previous pick.

7) CLEVELAND... Eric Berry, FS

The Browns are berry, berry happy to find this kid available here.

8) OAKLAND... Rolando McClain, ILB

Oakland is run by a man who is either a savant or a fool, depending on the era. To try and get into Al Davis' mind and figure out who he will draft, I have to force my brain into senility via drug abuse. I smoke like half a blunt, and begin to slam tequila shots. I do my last tequila shot while holding in the last blast off the smoke.... then I exhale, look at my draft board, and say "Rolando McClain."

9) BUFFALO... Trent Williams, OT

Before you draft the franchise QB, you get (and, ideally, spend a season training) the man who will be watching his back for a generation. You can roll the dice on Tim Tebow or Colt McCoy in round two, or wait until next year.

10) DENVER... Dan Williams, DT

They can either trade down for the WR they need (none available merit being drafted this high), or they can take 315 pounds of beast.

11) JACKSONVILLE... Derrick Morgan, DE

They drafted DE Derrick Harvey, who flopped... but this is DE Derrick Morgan. With his last name, they should make him the Captain as soon as he arrives.

12) MIAMI... Brandon Graham, OLB

The Dolph gets someone to chase Tom Brady around. This guy is sort of interchangeable with Sergio Kindle, so if one goes here, the other will be the next pass rushing OLB selected.

13) SAN FRANCISCO... Brian Bulaga, OT

If his arms were longer, he'd be playing A) in Washington and B) for about 15 million more dollars over 6 years. He's sort of stubby, and NFL guys notice stuff like that. You want the swat-down-biplanes arm length associated with the first King Kong.

14) SEATTLE.... Mike Iupati, OL

Never pass on an agile, 6'6", 335 pound Samoan road-grader, kids. God only makes a few of those.

15) NY GIANTS... Earl Thomas, FS

(Duke Of) Earl should have gone to Miami or Seattle, and drops no further than here.

16) SAN FRANCISCO... Joe Haden, CB

His legs did him in like Bulaga's arms did him in. If he ran a 4.4 instead of a 4.5, he'd be the 7th pick overall.

17) TENNESSEE... Jason Pierre-Paul, DE

"Pierre-Paul" is who makes Almond Joys in France.

18) PITTSBURGH... Jimmy Clausen, QB

A mock draft somewhere should have the Steelers releasing their serial rapist QB, and it shall be this one. This selection could start a run on second-rate QBs. They may draft OL here, and wait to get the QB in round 2.

19) ATLANTA... Carlos Dunlap, DE

He played at a nearby college.. so if he flops, at least everyone will remember how good he was at Florida.

20) HOUSTON... Ryan Matthews, RB

This kid was a second rounder before he busted a fat 4.3 at his pro day. This 4.3 seconds made him an extra 15 million dollars.

21) CINCY... Golden Tate, WR

His name would be a fine porn-star alias.

22) NEW ENGLAND... Sergio Kindle, OLB

Trading down is an option. Wallflower teams like Kansas City and Tampa Bay have multiple second round picks, and may get a stiffy for someone barely available here. Second rounders play for considerably less money than first rounders do, and it is a deep draft.

If we stay put, we can take this Texas mauler who looks like he could rip the Prudential Building down if he set his mind to it. We have three second round picks to address other issues.

23) GREEN BAY... Maurkice Pouncey, OL

The QB was running for his life every time he stepped back to pass. QBs cost a lot of money, so you may as well get this C/G to protect him. Friends call him the Maurkice De Sade.

24) PHILLY.... Taylor Mays, FS

Mays is built like a statue, runs like a cheetah.. and is about as smart as one. He may end up at LB.

25) BALTIMORE.... Patrick Robinson, CB

The road to the Super Bowl runs through Indy, and everybody needs help in the secondary against them.

26) ARIZONA... Sean Weatherspoon, OLB

You can never have too many linebackers, especially if your best one now plays for Miami.

27) DALLAS... Anthony Davis, OT

They should play him next to Leonard Davis, and try to pass them off as brothers. I can see it now... "The Davis Boys"

28) SAN DIEGO... Jared Odrick, DE

A sort of poor man's Richard Seymour. He eats for free at Subway!

29) NY JETS.... Ricky Sapp, OLB

The Jets need a pass rusher, and this kid was running the 100 meters in high school until he grew to 6'4", 255.

30) MINNESOTA... Kyle Wilson, CB

"Replacing the 43 year old QB" should be priority one, but taking this kid lowers by one the amount of men who could be on the Take end of Favre's next big game interception. There's a reason they make you take all that Algebra in school, kids.

31) INDIANAPOLIS... Bruce Campbell, OT

His physique and intellect suggest that someone captured a Sasquatch, shaved it, and somehow got it through a few years at the University Of Maryland. One scouting report describes his game thusly: "Much like a German Shepherd, he will respond well to brief, one-syllable commands." OK, I made that up, but the scouts are saying that he won't remember plays and may tackle the wrong people from time to time.

This may be a blessing, as you don't want the guy who is supposed to be protecting Peyton Manning to suddenly stop in mid-play and be like, "Eureka! I've cured AIDS!"

32) NEW ORLEANS... Jerry Hughes, OLB/DE

"Verry Huge" walks into a nice situation for Chocolate City.

2nd ROUND

PATRIOTS... Here's who I'm rooting for us to get with our three second rounders:

- Johnathan Dwyer, RB... a 235 pound bellcow, and the end of the Maroney era. Jahvid Best is more of a sports car, but he'd be good as well.

- Jermaine Gresham, TE... we currently have nothing at tight end. Rob Gronkowski is a good booby prize. "I wouldn't touch that girl with a six foot Pole, and neither would Rob Gronkowski."

- Brandon LaFell, WR... him, Arrelious Benn or what I believe is spelled Demariyus Thomas would all be useful opposite Moss.

- Brandon Spikes, LB... leads a list of himself, Navarro Bowman and Eric Norwood as nice options if we go some way other than LB with our previous pick(s).

- Jon Asamoah, OL... Brady needs some protection, and he's as good as Charles Brown, Vladimir DuCasse (DuCasse from UMASS!) or Rodger Saffold.

- Perrish Cox, CB... Cox, Devin McCourty, Kareem Thomas or Syd'Quan Thompson would all be an improvement over that mess we had out there at cornerback last year.

Best name in the draft... linebacker Pat Angerer.

Yes, I know that's like 20 guys, but you have to get in where you fit in. We thank you for your time.