Nor'easter Blues

Iron Man Be Sippin' Rum Out Of Stanley Cups

Chicago Wins Stanley Cup!

The last time Chicago won the Stanley Cup, JFK was in office or something. But those days are done, as Chicago polished off Philadelphia (remember being up 3-0 on them?) to take home the trophy.

  There are many coveted pieces of art in the world. The Mona Lisa. Michelangelo's David. The Washington Monument. The Crown Jewels. All of these fine craftings mean very little to me, because no one has dove into a swimming pool with them at a keg party.

   Now, the Stanley Cup...now, we're talkin' ahhhhhhht, as we say here in Boss town. The Holy Grail of Hockey is a trophy that has been around the block a few hundred times.

    Donated in 1892 by Lord Stanley, the Governor General of Canada, the Stanley Cup is awarded to the NHL champion every year. It's over 30 pounds of fine silver, with a 2004 street value of....at $6.35 an ounce....ummm....a lot. It is insured for $75,000.

   The Stanley Cup becomes "fun" when the tradition of letting each member of the NHL-winning team keep the trophy for a day or two is introduced. That's right, folks...each guy gets the Cup for a day, and they can do whatever they want to it.

   Here's a few Stanley Stories I found:

-  In 1905, the Stanley Cup was in possession of the boys from Ottawa. It was smaller, then...kind of like a football. Somebody who was limping the next day tried to drop-kick the Cup across the Rideau Canal in Ottawa. The canal was frozen, and the Cup landed in the middle. It was re-gotten once the players sobered up.

- In 1907, Montreal players left it in the home of a photographer. His wife planted geraniums in it.

- While travelling between parties, the Cup was left on a Montreal snowbank for an evening in 1924. This was back when Canada was the kind of place that you could leave a Stanley Cup laying about without worrying bout someone "ganking" it. The Montreal players only noticed the Cup's absence when they went to drink from it.

-  During a 1962 game in Chicago, the cup was stolen by a Montreal resident who wanted to "bring it back where it belongs."

- It was stolen from the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1970, only to be returned by a cop who claimed it was left in his driveway.

- The Cup was thrown into an Ottawa cemetery following a 1903 scuffle. Boys will be boys....

-  A 1910 bowling alley owner/hockey player displayed it at the alley, and kept cigars in it.

- In 1927, King Clancy used it as an ashtray for a summer.

- In 1940, the NY  Rangers celebrate by urinating in it....a Canadian Cross Stream.

- In 1980, Clark Gillies allowed his dog to eat kibble from the Cup.

- Unaware of the 1940 and 1980 stories, Montreal enforcer Knuckles Nilan poses his infant son in it for a picture. "His bottom fits right in the cup" noted Nilan. His and many others...

- It has been at the bottom of pools owned by Patrick Roy, Mario Lemieux, and Guy LaPointe. "The Cup doesn't float," noted Lapointe, who played before helmets were mandatory.(Note: I'm getting mail attributing that quote to Guy Carbonneau, who did indeed wear a helmet,,,if so, my apologies to the LaPointes....I also played before helmets were mandatory- in soccer)

- The influx of European talent to the NHL has led the Cup to Czechoslovakia, Poland, Sweden, and Russia. It has been to Lenin's Tomb.

- In 1994, the NHL has mandated that security guards be with the Cup 24/7/365. They get to go to all the parties.

- In 1988, Mark Messier damaged the Cup, and had it repaired at an auto body shop.

- Messier deserves his own section in this post. He has brought the Cup onto Letterman and done "Stupid Cup Tricks." He brought it to bars, and let fans drink from it. He has brought it to an auto body shop for repairs. He brought it to Scores, a NY strip club. He also put it on stage with an Edmonton stripper in 1987, and she gave it a brothel-quality dry humping.

- In 1996, Cheryl Riley attends a party that Mike Ricci brings the cup to. Mrs. Riley, who had been told she could not conceive, kissed the Cup on a whim. She had never heard of Lynn Patrick from the 1940 NHL Champion Rangers, who had dangled his genitals in it. She was pregnant in no time...Lord Stanley is a dirtydirtydog, I tell ya . She named the boy "Stanley."

- Also in 1996, the child of Stefan LeFebvre was baptised in it. This was 10 years, and hopefully numerous polishings, after Messier paid some slut to straddle it at an Edmonton strip club.

 - In 1994, Kentucky Derby winner Go For Gin was allowed to eat out of it.

- In 1996, it appeared on MTV, and Brian  Noonan used it as a rolling pin to make biscuits.

   I doubt that the Wimbledon trophy has been used as a frisbee by drunken Canadiens. I don't believe that Oscar has been used by an actor to bludgeon someone during an Ottawa fistfight. An Orlando editorialist once said "I'd kill someone for a Nobel Peace Prize," but I tend to think that there is little chance that he'd toss it into the squared circle between two mud-wrestlers at a New York City gentlemen's establishment.

   And that, folks, is why Hockey kicks so much ass.

You might not want to have your hand in there, kid...