My wild & precious life

On what it 's like being 50, female, single and straight in P'town in the winter. Part II

Excerpt from Part I:

So now fast forward to one sunny August morning, I come wheeling into Provincetown, possessions (much of them) in the back of my 'new to me' Jeep Liberty, I had a job, but no place to live, and I didn't know a soul. How brave, I hear you thinking. You bet it was. Brave, or maybe crazy, I haven't decided yet. But I was armed that day with the secret weapon of wanderers the world over: the powerful all-consuming delusion that everything was going to work out perfectly, as it had in the past. (what is it that they say when you first sign up with a financial investor? Something like 'past performance is no guarantee of future results.'  I might have thought of that that day, but I was blind. And delusional.)

On that first starry-eyed day oh so many weeks ago, after checking in at my new job, I stashed my stuff at a temporary location and then spent the next 10 days in a blur of learning the systems and protocols for the front desk. The thing was, I was coming to be the spa director, and so all through that time, I was champing at the bit to get started. Looking back, it was a good thing to have learned what the front desk agents at a busy, elegant, high-end resort hotel go through on a daily basis, but I kept noticing the happy, tanned, relaxed visitors on my way back and forth to my car each night and early morning and wondering , when would I get to look like that? After all, this is Provincetown in the summer, and I was used to feeling a delicious mix of excited, stimulated and relaxed when I was here in the past. As a visitor.

It turns out I am a quite a workaholic. When you are running your own business, it isn't as obvious as when you work for someone else, because flying solo, the line between your personal life and work life is rather permeable. Or non-existent. But being on salary, how can I blame anyone else for my not taking time out to go to Race Point to dunk my Atlantic-starved body in the bracing tide while the water was still warm, to simply stroll down Commercial St. with an ice cream cone, to go for an early-morning hike in the Beech Forest? Loneliness, a desire to feel like I belonged somewhere, the nagging , yearning, questioning feeling I would get the minute I was by myself, the group norm at work of keeping long long hours every day for weeks in a row, all these contributed to my drive to do nothing but work, but the ultimate choice was only mine. My sister had wisely told me years ago, "Jessica, people do what they want to do".  And I tell my phone coaching clients all the time: "you vote for your priorities with your minutes." So what have I been voting for? To be a victim/martyr? yuck. I don't like that script in other people, why would I take it on myself? That is the ugly question. If people do what they want to do, why do I want to play the victim?

You wanna know something scary? Sometime in the last few years, I have recently realized, I forgot how to have fun. There. I said it out loud. It breaks my heart and confuses me, but it's true.

I used to be fun. I used to be wild. I used to make it a priority to bring beauty and music and good food, and friends and laughter and playfulness and joy into my life every day. What happened? What happened? Slowly, over time, after I moved to L.A. and started my organizing business in 2000, I stopped remembering to take time for myself to just be. Work became my mainlined drug, my best friend, my lover, my comfort, my excitement, my God. Sure, I did have some great leisure moments watching old movies at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in the summer time and seeing free Shakespeare in Barnsdell Art Park. And my boyfriend at the time had a lead on free tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, but it didn't happen often enough to deeply soothe my nerves and truly fill me up. I got used to running on empty. To settling for not enough. To going for months at a time without laughing from my belly. To being alone and withstanding it. The scary thing is, in order to do all that, I had to lower my standards and shut down my heart. Now that is scary. That's how chronic disease happens, that's how people lose themselves and can't get themselves back. That's how people get bitter and forget to be grateful. That's how burn-out happens. And when energy is not coming into your life in an organic way, you end up reaching for artificial ways to stimulate yourself. This is when people turn to drugs, over-watching of TV, porn, food for comfort not nourishment, gossip, blame, resentment, clutter, random sexual partners, alcohol, spending money that you don't have, etc. just to get that feeling/illusion of being filled up.

Does it sound like I am whining? I hope not, because for sure the one thing I am for is taking responsibility for myself and my choices. But now it's time to make myself a priority. To committing to a balance between work and play, to having FUN.

I am so fortunate! I live in a gorgeous part of the world. I am safe, I am no longer in debt, I have a great job that I love and that feeds my creativity and stretches my capabilities so I won't get bored, I am relatively healthy, quite intelligent and I have been told, although carrying a few extra pounds, attractive. What is standing in my way?

I am going to share something really fun with you! Several days a week, I get a "note from the universe" via email that reminds me of all different kinds of important stuff. Sometimes it's a secret of life revealed, sometimes it's a prophesy (not the religious kind, the future-foretelling kind), sometimes it's a gentle reminder on where to align my thinking. Here's the one I got yesterday, just before going on a coffee meeting with someone who had emailed me from the internet:

How about I share a little secret with you, Jessica, in exchange for an even wider smile than you're now wearing??

OK? Deal! Here goes... There's someone in the world today, right now in time and space, who you've yet to even meet, who will, before long, fall very, very in love with you.

You decide what kind of love -
    The Universe

[If you'd like to get these notes, just sign up here: Notes from the Universe]

Here's what was able to happen to me at the meeting: I didn't lower my standards. I didn't settle for less. When the guy showed up looking like he just rolled out of bed (I had put on makeup, dolled up and felt kinda good about how I looked), I didn't make it about me. I chatted with him for about an hour and then politely excused myself. When I got home, I thought long and hard about what it is I am looking for in my life right now and communion and heart-expansion top my list. I did not feel that either of those would be present with this man for me. Nothing personal against him, either, it just wasn't a match, and after all, isn't that why we date? To find someone that we match with? But how can you know if something is a match for you or not (doesn't matter if it's a date, a job, a place to live, a friend, a piece of furniture) if you don't have some standard to go by? People dismiss standards as judgmental, but I feel very strongly in line with that hackneyed old saying, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."  I have fallen way too many times in the past for "anything" just because I was lonely or bored or restless or my self-esteem wasn't up to par. Turning 50 allows me to set the bar WAY higher now. Mostly because being on my own is not intolerable to me. I don't prefer it, but I would much rather be on my own than in a relationship that is unsatisfying of my most basic desires.

It's critical to have a standard to live by, because when you do, you can measure each thing that comes into your life and make a decision efficiently. No hard feelings, buddy, it just wasn't a match. I want the sexy juice flowing and easy playful flirty conversation and to feel like a woman when I am with a man. And because I see the world in terms of energy, for me, it is important that when a door gets opened, if it is not going to be a door I want to walk through again, that I close it. Respectfully, warmly and in my integrity. So I emailed him a polite thank you note, and I am certain he was relieved:

Hi, [name withheld], thanks for coming out to meet me. You seem like a sweet man and you are adorable, but I am thinking that there really wasn't enough juice flowing there to take this further.

I wish you all the best in your search, and maybe our paths will cross sometime in another setting.

Warmly,

Jessica

It can be that simple, just release yourself from the invisible strands that tie you to what is not useful, gently, so that you can have a clear path for when the right situation presents itself. Vote for your priorities with your minutes. Clear the path, 'cause something's on it's way!

Talk to me, and let's keep this thread on topic, please, and positive.

~jessica

1 comment »

On what it 's like being 50, female, single and straight in P'town in the winter.

About eight months ago, I decided to move Back East from L.A. because my daughter was starting boarding school in Western Mass this fall. "Mom, I don't want you to live anywhere within an hour of the school", she told me on no uncertain terms. Too bad, I loved living in Northampton all those years ago, and wouldn't have minded living there again. I could have gone against her wishes, but why create tension? I was here to be her support and she wanted to try out independence. I respect that. Massachusetts was big enough for both of us.

So what did I do? I went back to my roots. Figuring that I had loved (and I mean LOVED) living on the Vineyard year round in my youth, I would look on Cape Cod for a place to settle. In that misguided moment, I thought the Vineyard would be "too isolated". Hah!

One day, several month before I was to leave, I had a thought: I wonder if there is a craigslist for Cape Cod? Now, some of you may have never heard of craigslist, the wildly popular mostly-free online bulletin board that is widely used by city-dwellers worldwide. Over the years on craigslist in LA, I have found: jobs, employees, boyfriends, activity partners, concert tickets at the last moment, affinity groups, things to buy, buyers for things I wanted to sell (including my car!), dates, volunteers, someone to write me a resume, a personal assistant for my dad, roommates, a logo designer, a housekeeper...you get the picture. So why wouldn't I check there first for a place to live and a job? After all, the 450 craigslists portals around the world get a collective average of nine billion page views a month--out of which 25 million are actual "users" in the US alone. [yes, you read that right!]

Craigslist is broken up by US states, Canadian provinces, countries around the world. If a city or metropolitan area or region is big enough, it can break off and spawn it's own list. So when I went to look, sure enough, Cape Cod had recently earned their very own craigslist page, much to my delight. And the very job I was looking for was right there on the top of the 'hospitality' job listings page. I thought it was fate, karma, destiny, kismet. That job is there for me, I thought.

Let me explain: in the big cities like New York, San Francisco (where Craig Newmark started craigslist for a bunch of his friends and colleagues in 1995) and L.A., if you create a post, your listing will stay on the first page, depending on the category, for about 5-20 minutes. On the Cape, because so few people have heard of craigslist, sometimes you can be on the first page for weeks, or even months. This is good and not so good. It was good for me that day.

So now fast forward to one sunny August morning, I come wheeling into Provincetown, possessions (much of them) in the back of my 'new to me' Jeep Liberty, I had a job, but no place to live, and I didn't know a soul. How brave, I hear you thinking. You bet it was. Brave, or maybe crazy, I haven't decided yet. But I was armed that day with the secret weapon of wanderers the world over: the powerful all-consuming delusion that everything was going to work out perfectly, as it had in the past. (what is it that they say when you first sign up with a financial investor? Something like 'past performance is no guarantee of future results.'  I might have thought of that that day, but I was blind. And delusional.)

Stay tuned for Part II (to be continued)

39 comments »

David Bowie & Bing Crosby sing Drummer Boy

This comes by way of my friend Karen's wonderful mommy blog Shamalamamama. You can view this 2 minute gem on her site.

She says that apparently, this was filmed a month before Bing passed away, and was aired after his death. What a treat!

Happy Holidays to everyone....

~jessica

3 comments »

A letter to my 16 year old daughter who is having a hard time right now.

My sweet girl,

When you were a baby, about 8 or 9 months old, we lived in a big house in Putney, VT. I used to sit you on the counter next to me while I was doing things in the kitchen so you could be at my height and watch what was going on. You liked that. I knew that you would find your balance and stay perched on the counter. I totally honored your inner guidance and you never once fell.

People would walk in and see you there, just a little baby, and FREAK OUT that you were going to fall. I would explain to them that when trusted to find their own balance, babies always do. We as humans are wired for survival, that is our instinct. And not to just ‘survive', but to thrive. Life has challenges, life has hard knocks, life sucks sometimes, but you are the constant in the life you live. It's up to you to choose your attitude, your response, your values, your beliefs, your actions. There is no external standard for right and wrong, it's kind of like trial and error to see if something resonates with your integrity or not. THAT'S your responsibility as a human, to align yourself with your integrity. Sometimes you choose wisely, sometimes impulsively, sometimes naively, but you will always be the one to experience the consequence, whether it is immediate and obvious or more subtle and karmic.

The dis-equilibrium that you have experienced the last few years to me are an anomaly. I believe your anxiety comes from living in an atmosphere where your thoughts and instincts were never trusted or honored. You almost forgot how to hear your own voice. Fortunately, you have a warrior spirit and that voice penetrated the darkness and you have repeatedly made the decision to thrive.

I want you to know that I know in my deepest heart that you can reconnect with your inner north star (the one that guides you, regardless of where you are on earth), your own true voice and the path that is right for you. Wherever that path leads you, whether I would choose that path or not, I am by your side when you need me.

The journey is all yours, I am just a fellow traveler who has been there before you. Sometimes it's appropriate to blaze a new trail, and sometimes it's just plain stupid. It's up to you to figure out which is which. I am big on less pain, more fun, but we all have our own path to follow. I learned that in my twenties, you don't have to wait that long, or it might take you longer.

I just want you to know that I am here, my baby, just in case you need a hand to steady yourself when things seem off-balance; when you enter into a new situation, relationship, direction, or better yet, when you are experiencing the quiet euphoria of aligning your vision to your reality. You are a powerful being, whether you accept that or not. I recommend you don't squander your gift, use it for good.

I love you so much, and here's to our new relationship: sweet girl & mama 2.0.

7 comments »

Helping vs. Saving

The other day, someone called me to inquire if I could help them organize their home. Now, in and of itself, that is not a strange thing, as I run an organizing business. What was unusual about the call was that I spent almost 45 minutes speaking with this lovely woman who was in a state of confusion and turmoil. I asked her repeatedly what it was that she truly wants and it became apparent that she could not answer that seemingly simple question. Can you?

Does your home or office look like this?This got me thinking about how many of us wander through our lives, sometimes moderately happy, mostly not, allowing whatever wind blows to decide which direction we will follow. Some of us are on anti-depressants, because we can’t really understand why we don’t want to get up in the morning. It’s not that we hate our lives, our spouses, our jobs, it’s that we don’t love them. And we are too afraid to let ourselves know this truth because then it means we will certainly have to make a change. A change in ourselves or a change to our circumstance. And change takes courage. And courage takes faith. And faith takes surrender. And surrender is scary. Or exciting…depending on what you decide it is.

I am working with a fabulous and delightful gentleman from the Midwest, coaching him by phone, and he is opening up to realize something scary…that maybe his wife of 20+ years just isn’t meeting his needs. Maybe she never has. Does that mean divorce, he wonders? I don’t think so. Or put it this way: not necessarily. What is does mean, however, is that if he wants to stay on his spiritual path, he will need to make a shift deep inside. A shift that includes telling the truth to himself as fast as he can. (sometimes it takes a while before we are ready to acknowledge what we deep-down know). When we live outside our truth, we are slowly (or not-so-slowly) killing ourselves. The secret eats away at us first on the spiritual level, and then it makes its way into the physical and we get sick. I mean really sick. Cancer, heart disease, chronic depression, addiction. It’s that serious.

So what does ‘helping vs. saving’ mean? It means that in order to grow and to let go of the things in our lives that are holding us back from joy and freedom and connection-- be they physical, mental, emotional or spiritual-- we have to take full responsibility for our choices. THIS IS NOT EASY! In a way, it is easier to live in resentment and blame, turning the focus away from ourselves. Forgiveness means we have to let go of all the things we hold on to that keep us stuck. That’s what clutter is, by the way, STUCK energy. Usually resentment. Once you forgive and let go of your resentment, the clutter magically goes away. Trust me, I have watched it happen too many times for it to be a coincidence.

When we do decide to make a change, we usually do best with some type of support. A shoulder to cry on, an inspiring passage, a community of like-minded souls who have been where we are, a creative outlet for our feelings. This is help. A hand reaching out in the darkness to make the way easier. The way I offered to help the woman I mentioned above. I didn’t offer to do the work for her, I just listened. And asked questions. It was up to her to come up with the answers for herself.

Saving, on the other hand, is when we do the work for someone else. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, people can’t pay us to grow up for them, they have to do it for themselves. Or not. But no matter what, it’s their choice. And when we try and save others, try and offer them what we think they need, even though they didn’t ask for help, we are actually crippling them, holding them back from just the time and space they need to choose for themselves. It may be frustrating to watch someone flounder when you feel you have the answer, but check this out:

Bryan DeFlores, in his Glossary of New Paradigm Terminology, says it best. He defines Idiot Compassion this way:  

"the single action or habitual pattern of interfering with or supporting other people's dramas without first determining whether lending your advice or energy is appropriate; not allowing others to move through their own experiences and becoming empowered. Idiot Compassion is usually accompanied by a significant energy drain!"

A significant energy drain. Do you understand the impact of that statement? That means, when you try to “save” someone, or you demand, expect, request someone to save you, NO ONE WINS. They lose out on the chance to step in to their own power, and you get sucked dry.

Think about it.
___________________
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Email me.

16 comments »