One Day at a Time

Alcoholics Get Packing

Packing into the stream of life

I was asked a very interesting question today and I thought I would keep the asker anonymous but share it with readers - both of them - of this blog.

Paraphrasing the question, “What is your take on packing into the stream of life”? 

If you do not already know AA has a "Step Eleven" - part of which calls for the Step 'Practitioner' to ask each evening at bedtime twelve specific questions in review of the day past - one being "What did I pack into the stream of life during the past 24 hours?"

At the end of the day I review as many of the moments as I can recall of the twenty four hours just passed. It appears in my head as a small “Piece” of a long stream. This is where “one-day-at-a-time” has real meaning.  The stream is not only MY life.  Life isn’t all about ME  anymore but the world around me – the events of the day, the people I’ve met and the conversations I’ve had and how I have met the stress of each situation. It doesn’t matter if it was a “Good” stress or “Bad” stress.

When I was required to react in some way, then it was a stress – keeping in mind that all kinds of stress are necessary for human and spiritual growth – the same way a flower in a field grows as it faces natural stresses of wind, rain, sun ect. It grows through all of these – upward and nourished.

I always answer this question truthfully “Was I thinking of myself most of the time or was I thinking of what I could do for others, of what I could pack into the stream of life?” – the piece of stream that is the day just lived.

But “. . . we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.” (86:1) - so I focus more on "WHERE WAS I USEFUL .WHERE DID I pack into the stream?"

You see, if I reword it incorrectly to mean “Did I pack into the stream.” Then I will never have a “YES” answer - because each day has its own agnostic moments when I HAVE experienced selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty and fear and I “forgot” that it is not I who is in charge of those moments but my Creator. Hopefully I have been utilizing the four actions of Step Ten to handle these as they appeared (cropped up)

If I focus solely on where I failed, I would go to bed each night a complete failure in life - and I certainly am not.

It is the twefth of 'twelve' nighttime questions when I am asked  to locate those times “WHERE” I WAS “THINKING” of packing into the stream of life - not “Did I succeed” in packing it full to capacity.

I am not God or Jesus or Buddha or Allah or a saint. Heck, I'm not even a member of any religion.

So by simply “locating” the spots in the day where my thoughts were NOT focused on ME but on others, I get to see two things: 1) just how defective I still am in this world – and just how much I HAVE growth for the time when my thoughts were totally void of ANY thought for others at all. It apparent to me, because such a small percentage of the entire twenty four hour day WAS NOT focused on others but on MYSELF. This gives me INFORMED cause to ask God to show me how to do it better tomorrow.

It is a positive learning and growing exercise when I do this in this fashion.

If you ask others about this subject and receive some other ideas on that you think I may also find useful, please forward them to me. I am always looking for new perspectives too - as long as they are based on the experiences of others - and not just opinion. If you are not practicing this principle - then please hold off on the opinions. I can go to an "Open Disgusting" meeting if I ever get a hankering for that. Thanks.

"Forgive me, Majesty. I am a vulgar man! But I assure you, my music is not."

Peace,

Danny S

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Am I An Alcoholic?

I get asked often enough "How do I know if I am an alcoholic?" It depends on whose description you want to use. It seems there is no shortage of differing opinions and descriptions of alcoholism out here in the trenches. If you want to adopt Dr. Phil's description or Oprah's description or Dr. Drew's description or even my family doctor's description we may or may not end up on the same page as the grand-daddy of ALL descriptions and the one for which a Twelve Step Program for recovery is taught and practiced by the wonderful Fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous.

AA's "Our description of the alcoholic" which they painstakingly delineate in the first forty three pages of their book tells us that alcoholism has nothing to do with how many or when you drink. Too bad- because that means that we have no way of telling whether  or not someone is alcoholic simply based upon our casual judgement of their drinking habits. What it does have to do with how someone’s body reacts to alcohol and then if that is an abnormal reaction, whether or not they drink anyway - despite it - and that means a deeper look into the history and experience of the problem drinker than even most doctors or so-called "Addictions" counselors are capable of - let alone family, clergymen, friends or employers.

There are plenty of real alcoholics who drink less than you or I and plenty who drink more - so a diagnosis cannot be made by comparing quantity or frequency.  Bill W one of the co-founders of AA used to approach candidates for the Twelve Step 'treatment' by walking up to them outside of AA meetings and asking them "So . . .  you think you're 'one of us', eh?"

Then he would let them tell him what their description of their alcoholism was. Guess what? Not everyone qualified.

I do the same thing - and I have to tell you that it took a while to get over the shock of learning that so many folks have absolutly no idea what AA's "our description of the alcoholic" is - a description for which they proposes a solution - a common solution for a common problem. It just blew my mind that so many people would be willing to raise their hands in an AA meeting and chant, "I am an alcoholic" yet have absolutely no idea what it was that they were admitting to.

Drinking a lot and often, more often than not, is an indication of  "Problem" with alcohol - but this alone does not describe a real alcoholic.

A real alcoholic must have these two conditions present simultaneously:

1) Obsession of the mind - Cannot resist taking a drink even though he/she knows once they start they cannot stop.

PLUS

2) Allergy of the body - Once any alcohol whatever is taken into his/her system, something happens in a physical sense that is without comparable effect on the average individual - a physical phenomenon of "Craving" develops - which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop, even if he/she wants and/or needs to stop.

This is an abnormal reaction and hence sometimes refered to as an "allergic" reaction. Call it what you will - allergy or not - it is abnormal and only real alcoholics experience it once they ingest alcohol.

The existence of neither or only ONE of the above may result in problem drinking (Drinking too much - too often - even to the point of damage to one's health and livelihood) BUT does not qualify as a real alcoholic.

I am sorry but I just have to say it again - both conditions must be present – and only ten percent of the world’s population has both of these conditions simultaneously. Do you see the vicious cycle?

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 44:1)

Some people erroneously think that alcoholism is a Three-Fold disease. They even think that this is an AA principle. It is not. It is is an idea foreign to AA's "description of the alcoholic" that has somehow leached into the meeting rooms from treatment centers - which do not teach or embrace AA's solution. Unpopularly, according to the book "Alcoholic’s Anonymous" alcoholism not actually a disease but a malady and it is only Two-Fold: mental AND physical - characterized by (i) an obsession of the mind coupled with (ii) an allergy of the body.

The obsession - a strange insanity that occurs as a “mental blank spot” immediately preceding the taking of a drink, guarantees that the person afflicted will take the drink even with the full knowledge that it will result in a craving for more (allergy) or even though he may not have intended to drink.

This is strangely supplanted for the idea that it is safe to drink despite experience that it may not be safe to drink without experiencing the phenomenon of craving (allergy).

"No matter how intelligent we alcoholics may have been in other areas of our lives, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found we cannot break it, once having lost our self-confidence, our reliance upon things human, our problems pile up on us and become astonishingly difficult to solve." ("Alcoholics Anonymous - The Doctor's Opinion)

Recovery from the obsession (mental) component is possible but there is no known cure for the physical allergy portion. However breaking that one aspect is enough to sever the vicious cycle and allow us to live normal lives – as long as we never put alcohol into out bodies thereby setting off the physical allergy (craving). Alcoholism is distinct from "hard", "heavy" or "problem" drinking or other "addictions" including "drug addiction" in that the two components of mental, alcoholic obsession and physical allergy to ETOH (ethyl alcohol) in some form must be simultaneously present in the individual.

I would never suggest to someone that they either ARE or ARE NOT alcoholic - only the individual knows their personal history well enough and so completely as to make that decision. Many people who abuse alcohol for entire lifetimes NEVER even become alkies – just heavy alcohol abusers - although both lifestyles suck!

Then some with a genetic predisposition start off slowly and eventually DO “cross the line”. Until they do, they are what is known as “potential alcoholics” and if they continue will eventually “cross the line” and develop the physical allergy due to the overtaxing of their pancreas and liver. Once that occurs, and we know not when it does, there is no going back.

For those who abhor the idea of being able to tell an alcoholic from a non-alcoholic, please don’t worry. Recovered alcoholics are supposed to be able to differentiate:   

 In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic. (44:0)

Peace and Love,

Danny S

^{This Blog and its content is not in any way affiliated or associated with Alcoholics Anonymous World Services (AA) and content herein expresses the sole experience or opinions of the author. Anything posted here concerning alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism that cannot be reconciled with the AA book, "Alcoholics Anonymous"  with regard to comments about AA or it's Twelve Step Program should be ignored. This  blog is not a form of Twelve Step work for the author nor does the author claim to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous since if he were a member of AA he would violate AAs traditions in saying so publicly and he would also be lying if he were a member and denied it. Accordingly in order to respect that organizations traditions he does not admit or deny membership in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous}

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Nearly Lost My Head

During the summer of 1998 it was not easy to stay sober - just not drinking and going to meetings - at least one a day had nearly reached the point of tedium - but at least I was not drinking anymore and I was put into a place of fellowship and camaraderie where I could hear the message. No one seemed to know just exactly what that 'message' was - but supposedly there was one and it would solve my problem once it would eventually find me. 

Too bad I almost died waiting.

The welcomed and wonderful band-aids of the Fellowship with which I had covered my wounds were beginning to reach their full saturation point. The spiritual bleeding continued.

It was five days short of my second sobriety anniversary on a curiously warm night for New England in October and a drink was the furthest thing from my mind. I was driving home from my office and feeling rather at ease.

It had been a productive night. Our production (sales) was excellent, I had hired some new very promising people, and I was in a fantastic frame of mind. I had just gotten off the phone with my sponsor, and we had shared some great recovery talk. Suddenly it occurred to me that on such a great day "It is a damned shame that I cannot drink anymore."

It would have been the ideal time to unwind -- kick back, and REALLY enjoy my good fortune, my imminent sober anniversary and my apparent serenity.

Two days later I awoke in a motel room, the Brockton Holiday Inn - just five minutes from my office in Randolph. I was in bed, naked, sweating and shivering cold, and coming off a blackout. I had relapsed. I have no memory of what happened to me from the time the insanity of the first drink entered my thoughts, to the time I came to.

Anyone who thinks that a real alcoholic cannot be "struck drunk" hasn't studied enough the malady. I drove home - back down the Cape, to Cotuit - where my wife Nancy waited - had been waiting. The pain in my soul was so extreme -- I felt that death was the only possible way out. The sickness in my own soul had hit my absolute threshold. I knew it was not possible for me to take even one iota more.

I would hear folks talk about being in jail or losing their families or businesses, even health, believing that the resulting pain and self pity was their "bottom'. That sort of bottom seemed a piece of cake on this night. I finally understood.

I had a shotgun in the house. It was in the basement. I thought that if I put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger with my toes I would be relieved. Unless you have been to this place - this place of the alcoholic at his alcoholic bottom it may be difficult to grasp this sort of situtation. It is a place where eventually all alcoholics who manage to stay alive long enough must go - a place that can only be entered through the ages old iron gates of mental insanity - whereupon once entering one must adapt and survive on terrain so treacherous that only a tiny percentage of those who enter ever find the way back. Even fewer ever live long or happily. I really did not want to die but I knew that to live this way any longer was equally impossible.

But I knew the shells were old and with a shotgun in my crotch - if it misfired -- it could be very painful and unfortunate if I lived. Yet death was the only way out.

I did not know it, but THIS was a jumping-off place where I had never been before - the one spoken of in the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous".

I headed for the basement to bring the gun back upstairs to bed. On the way, I stopped. I stood on the balcony outside of the bedroom and looked down at my son's room, where he lay asleep. "What about him?" I thought. "What of him growing up without a daddy like you did?"

Then I thought of my wife behind me, lying in bed. What horror would she experience to hear the explosion and watch as my head splattered across the ceiling; possibly with bits of my splattered brains dripping down on the bed next to her; my headless body lying beside her? Was this what she bargained for when she married me?

Had she any idea? I turned around and headed back to my bed, and put my head face down into the pillow and I prayed to God. A cry that came from deep down from my solar plexus - my "soul" if you will.

I asked of God not to live; neither did I ask to die. I made no promises in exchange for anything. I just abandoned all hope for myself of doing anything and asked (prayed - begged) that anything He wanted would be. I must now either die or live, whichever was His choice, because only one or the other was possible in that moment. All I knew was the way I now am, could not possibly continue.

At this same moment, when death seemed so appealing, I had what would be termed as a spiritual experience.

With it came a sudden, breeze of cool, sweet smelling air through the room. The sheer draperies that lined the glass door leading out into the outside deck rolled and fluttered and I heard the voice of God. He said that He loved me and would help if I would have Him, that there was a better way to Him. It was a path paved by those who came before. It would lead me back to Him. I could see this with a vision and clarity that I still have today.

I got up to close the windows and door but was astounded to find that they were already shut tight as tight as a crabs ass -- not even the hint of a draft was leaking into the room. The breeze had not emanated from outside. Confused but still grateful, I thanked God, and I cried for my past arrogance – returned to my bed and fell off to sleep.

The next morning, after sleeping only a few hours, I awoke feeling well rested. An old-timer came into my life a few days later. He offered and I accepted his help in guiding me through and practicing the Program of recovery using the directions outlined by the first one hundred alcoholics who authored the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I began to see the results immediately and forty-four days later, I was a free man. Did you get that? IMMEDIATELY I experienced results. Within five weeks I was a FREE MAN. I was completey sober without so so much as the slightest temptation to ever drink again. What is sobriety but freedom from alchohol? There where no years and years of recovering and struggling with the desire to drink. No avoiding temptation. No ten or fifteen AA meetings a week. No months and years of psychoanalysis or counseling. I am saying that I was placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected from ever drinking again simply by following a few simple rules - twelve to be exact. I began to seek out fellow alcoholics in who also followed or sought the same path and started working with others to show them the same solution.

If you are alcoholic, suspect that you  may be alcoholic or think you have an open mind you are alcoholic - and-  then I invite you to follow along with me as I convey some of my experiences through an alcoholic life as an active alkie as well as one who has found the solution and recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind.

If you’ve been exposed to POP-AA or modern day “Addictions” treatments being sold in treatment center and rehabs - then you may find some of my experiences conflicting with your opinions. Good. But I am not an authority on recovery methods, organizations, God, alcoholism or spirituality nor do I speak for anyone but myself so don't take me so freakin' seriously - OK? If you have no sense of humor - you may not 'get' much of my scribbling. I am not a member of any organized religion or cult and I have no axes to grind. I simply express my experience and my observations as a RECOVERED alcoholic.

While not EVERYONE CAN recover from alcoholism, ALMOST anyone can - simply and quickly - within days, not years. I am simply writing about how I have been freed - in forty four days - from the prison of alcoholic torture. If you don't want what I have then please do not do as I have done or what I do to keep what I have. There are plenty of other knuckleheads like me writing blogs and blowing smoke about how THEY stopped drinking and are STILL RECOVERING, yada yada.

But if you would like to recover, as the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" proposes, then maybe some of my experiences will help. I write of my experience only and I am not here to rant opinions about a recovery experience I have never had. That I promise.

"Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions" (Alcoholics Anonymous, 94:1)

Peace and Love,

Danny S

^{This Blog and its content is not in any way affiliated or associated with Alcoholics Anonymous World Services (AA) and content herein expresses the sole experience or opinions of the author. Anything posted here concerning alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism that cannot be reconciled with the AA book, "Alcoholics Anonymous"  with regard to comments about AA or it's Twelve Step Program should be ignored. This  blog is not a form of Twelve Step work for the author nor does the author claim to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous since if he were a member of AA he would violate AAs traditions in saying so publicly and he would also be lying if he were a member and denied it. Accordingly in order to respect that organizations traditions he does not admit or deny membership in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous}

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Hello, my name is Jim, and I'm an Alcoholic

^{A sand spit held together by package stores - This is the story of one alcoholic who describes himeslf as a "high bottom" drunk, or someone who managed to learn how to live happily without alcohol or drugs at an early age.  Someone once described Cape Cod as a sand spit held together by package stores. Whether this is correct or not, there are hundreds of AA meetings here and many Cape members say they took a "geographic cure" which landed them here before becoming members.} 

Here is Jim's story, "What would I do with my time if I quit? What would people say or think if I quit? What would customers say? What about Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday without booze?"

I was one of those drunks who never saw the inside of a jail, nor was I ever ticketed for any offense that I could attribute to alcohol. I have never been hospitalized for any reason. Drinking never cost me a job or my wife.

My favorite expression was "I can quit drinking any time I want to." It got to the point where I started to believe it. I was able to quit drinking each Lent except for the one just prior to my coming into the A.A. program. I believed God would punish me more in the hereafter if I didn't do some penance for my sins here on earth. Abstaining from alcohol was the toughest penance I knew of. Sheer determination, bullheadedness, willpower, and egotism carried me through.

Bullheadedness was a part of my nature. When I had made up my mind to do something, hell or high water couldn't change it. Many times during Lent, my wife pleaded with me to drink, just because I was so miserable to her and the kids when I wasn't drinking.

All my friends knew I always quit during Lent. Their adulation of my willpower sustained me through those days and nights. The fear of what they might say or think if I happened to fall off the wagon kept me going till Easter. I lived on the comments of my drinking buddies' wives: "Oh, how I wish my Jack (or Tom, or Steve) could quit like you." My wife was probably thinking, "If they only knew what his sobriety is costing me!"

I was also the smartest man in the world, in the company I worked for, in the departments I worked in, and at home as the head of the family.

I had only one problem that was a little difficult to understand, let alone solve. After waking so many mornings feeling so terribly lousy and sick, and telling and promising myself I would not be that stupid again, why would I go right out and be stupid again? Why couldn't I stop after only one or two, like some guys I knew? Why was I almost always thinking about booze one way or another? Why couldn't I fall asleep unless I was at least half gooned-up?

What would I do with my time if I quit? What would people say or think if I quit? What would customers say? What about Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday without booze? How come I couldn't quit when I wanted to, when I'd always said I could? How come I lied so much? I was tired of lying, I was tired of trying to be someone else. It hurt me to think I was hooked on booze like an addict on dope.

One beautiful Saturday afternoon in July, when I was 34 years old, I blurted out to a priest that alcohol might be the root of my troubles. I had never before admitted such a thing to anyone. The priest suggested I try A.A.

I think one of the extraordinary yet simple points of A.A. is that I didn't have to quit drinking — in the sense that I understood quitting — before entering the program. I think if the program had advocated quitting as I understood it, I would not be sober today.

A.A. teaches us how to live without alcohol, how unnecessary alcohol is, and how it increases our problems.

It is a perfectly natural thing for most of us to say thank you to other people for whatever we receive. That's why it is important that I say thanks for the most precious gift I can receive — 24 hours of sobriety.

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Holiday drinking & driving

Three biggest reasons members of AA resume drinking;

1. Thanksgiving,
   
2. Christmas &
   
3. New Year's 

According to local AA  members we spoke with today, these three  holidays represent the biggest challenges to members. Some members have lost years of sobriety during this otherwise festive time of year.

After a period of 13 eventful years, prohibition ended on this day in 1933, and Americans were able to legally have a drink once again. While alcohol is legal, its use involves personal responsibility. With the holiday season underway, this is a time for more parties and more driving than usual -- as well as increased hours of darkness and bad weather. That combination is why this is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month.

Over 10,000 drunk driving deaths every year

Across the country, more people are killed each year on the highways than the entire population of many towns - nearly 43,000. More than one-third of these deaths occur in accidents where the people involved have blood alcohol levels above the legal limit. Find these and more facts about America from the U.S. Census Bureau on the Web at Census.gov.

During the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year's, according to the National Center for Statistics and Analysis.

"This is what we have observed. The fatalities with impaired drivers is 40 percent higher during the holidays than the rest of December," said Rajesh Subramanian of the organization.

Lottery official loses $71,000 job for alcohol abuse

On this dubious anniversary the chief of the Springfield office of the state Lottery has been terminated from his $71,000-a-year job. Luis Garcia, 48, ran into trouble in 2002 when he said he was suspended for 30 days from his Lottery job under a former administration. The suspension came after Garcia, who was then chairman of Springfield's liquor license commission, threatened to revoke a city bar's liquor and Keno license during an argument with a bartender who didn't stock his preferred brand of whiskey.

Garcia, who resigned from the license commission after that incident, attributed his difficulties to his past use of alcohol. Garcia said he was arrested for operating under the influence in April 2004. Garcia said he was convicted of the charge and his license was suspended. Garcia said he has joined Alcoholics Anonymous and hasn't had any alcohol since that arrest.

What to do if you're ready to stop drinking

The cost of arrest for OUI went up significantly six weeks ago. The new measure gives prosecutors the power to introduce certified court documents to prove that a repeat offender has been previously convicted of drunk driving. In addition, the mandatory minimum jail sentence for any individual found guilty of manslaughter by motor vehicle will be increased from 2 ½ to five years.  

Cape Cod have countless AA Meetings in every town. The first step is to call the AA Cape Cod Intergroup (508) 775-7060 and talk to someone who went there before you.

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