East of Boston

Sippin' Lime Bacardi, Got Me Toxy

General Sherman had less trouble in Georgia than the Celtics did, and he had to walk.

Things worked themselves out well enough, though... so we are now faced with the prospect of a best-of-seven against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

LeBron (I may be capitalizing it wrong, and things like research and fact-checking only serve to slow down this column) and the Cavaliers are both silly names. "LeBron" is close enough to French that one can safely assume that LBJ can trace his family tree back to Haiti. We'll get to him later, as his talent merits several successive paragraphs.

Who thought "Cavaliers" was a good name? Derived from the French word for "knight" (chevalier), it describes the supporters of Charles I during the English Civil War. The particular Look would be the Three Musketeers bar guy... not really someone with a sick crossover dribble.

Granted, Celtics aren't known for their vertical leap... but at least Boston has a large Celtic population. Cleveland was pure wilderness in the 1600s. Even the Indians failed to settle it. The area was first surveyed in 1796. Cavaliers had nothing to do with it.

I suppose "Knights" may have been better, but somebody somewhere f*cked up. Only the Utah Jazz and the Redskins are worse.

As for Mr. James (aka LBJ, King James)... well, we've got ourselves a war with the best player alive. Kobe Bryant may win the MVP this year, but LeBron has him beat statistically... and beats Kobe's ass when they go head-to-head.

He's about 6'8", 255, lightning quick, strong as a bull, corners like a Porsche, has a complete all-around game, gets his team involved, and can score on anyone. He was too good to play in college, turning pro roughly around the time his prom was happening. He tore up the NBA the moment he set foot in it.

He's a nice kid, who never turns up in the newspapers for throttling a strip club bouncer. If he blazes the Kind, he's low-key about it. He has about a hundred endorsement deals, and only his lack of charisma (he's an ugly kid, LBJ is) can be blamed if you haven't heard of him.

Here's King James doing what he do...

Boston is a superb defensive team, and he's still going to put up 35 ppg on us. Ray Allen is going to look much older than his 32 years chasing King James around. Paul Pierce- one of the NBA's 20 best players- is going to look like a punk guarding him for 7 games... which I think this series will go.

That's not as bad as it sounds. I've seen hermits and one-man-plays with better supporting casts than LBJ enjoys. Here's the basics:

- Ben Wallace, a ferocious man who has lost a critical step that cripples a small, hustling post player. He has absolutely no offensive skills whatsoever. His best contribution to the team's cause in this series would be to somehow pick a fight with Kevin Garnett.

- Wally Sczerbiak(?), a former Celtic who may currently be the NBA's worst defender. While possessing a nice skill set, he is also the prototypical slow white guy.The Celtics were thrilled to get Ray Allen from Seattle for him, a draft choice, and...

- Delonte West... another former Celtic, who- like Wally- has been traded twice in a calendar year. He played big minutes for Boston when we weren't any good, but he may have settled into the right place as LBJ's spear carrier. If I remember, I'll link to a Valentine's Day interview he did where he said "This is real, baby... we're getting chicken from Popeye's tonight."

ESPN.com: Page 2 : Flowers, Popeye's and romance

Delonte on fashion... "You can't see this... this is genuine Tasmanian Devil."

Delonte vs. Rajon Rondo should be a good battle, as R Double basically took Delonte's job in Boston.

- Anderson Varajeo, who may or may not still be sporting that Sideshow Bob/Carlito Caribbean Cool haircut. He's a rawboned power forward from Brazil.

- Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 7'3" Lithuanian with a superb low post game that should expose Kendrick Perkins' shortcomings repeatedly. Fortunately, the continents are currently drifting apart faster than Big Z moves, and he only gets rebounds that bounce into his hands.

- Daniel Gibson, a young sharpshooter, sort of a less talented Ray Allen.

- Joe Smith, a bench forward who will be able to score on Leon Powe, but won't be able to score on Kevin Garnett.

- There's a couple of guys named Jones and a Serbian or two... but that's pretty much it.

What you will basically see in this series is a One Man Gang taking on a fairly good team. Boston has the homecourt edge, which is huge in any sport. LBJ has more than enough talent to win a few games by himself, and I'll set the number at 3.

That's right, folks... I see this going 7 games. I see a few fights happening. I see the ugly spectre of Intentional Injury. I see a desperate Game 7 in Boston, where the Celtics finally make good my assertion that we shall advance to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals.

I see us playing Detroit there, as they are wily enough to get by a talented-but-thin Orlando squad. Give them 5 games. I'll call Boston/Detroit when/if we get by King James.

Out West, let's say New Orleans over San Antonio... I smell Boston/LA, and a talented-but-aging San Antonio club is only in the way of what the people want. I see San Antonio getting zero (0) calls. May as well make it New Ho Leans in 7 games.

I also see- as you might imagine- LA getting past a good-not-great Utah Jazz team in 5 games or so. From there, it's either the upstart Hornets or the veteran Spurs... a nice 7 game war to tire Kobe out for us.

So... the Cape Cod Today Sports Desk will be fully amped and in Total War mode, pretty much all day tomorrow. We've waited for ages to see a Celtics playoff run where we had a chance to do damage, and we're totally ready to get our freak on.