East of Boston

Doggone This NFL

COMING SOON... A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR HOST, STACEY

But I'm not telling quite yet, though...

For those of you keeping score at home, this column is one game above .500 each week... and seeing as this is Week 5, we're pretty much 4 games above .500 for the year, although the Houston game that was cancelled due to the Hurricane will carry over into November or something.

Just to make fun of the normal prognosticator (Elle, the nanny) here- who, I should add, is here to make fun of the previous prognosticator (Stacey, the French soccer Mom)... who was here to make fun of professional prognosticators- we've decided to allow this week's picks to be made by Sloppy Dog, the family border collie/Lab.

Sloppy Dog (pictured above), to my knowledge, holds no NFL expertise other than lying on the floor near the TV while the game is on. We plan to have her "choose" the games by putting two pieces of bacon on the floor (far enough apart that she can't eat both pieces concurrently), assigning a team to each piece of bacon, and betting along the lines of which piece of bacon she chooses.

I wouldn't advise doing this with your money... life has been good to the Monponsetts, and we can affors to wager money in such a manner.

Here's this weekend's selections for you bettors out there.... we sorta/kinda used the wrong schedule earlier this week, but we have it all solved now.

 Tennessee at Baltimore... Look at this game as a sort of Presidential election between Albert Haynesworth of the Titans and Ray Lewis of the Ravens, with the winner being crowned America's Scariest Black Guy.

Baltimore, 13-10

Kansas City at Carolina

Massachusetts could go the Missouri route and name one of our cities after a neighboring state, but "New York City" was taken, and the others just don't have that snappy sound to them.

Carolina, 21-9

Chicago at Detroit

This semifinal game in the Already Cold City Bowl meets the winner of the Green Bay/Minnesota clash later in the season.

Chicago, 16-13

Atlanta at Green Bay....If you have to go to Wisconsin once a year, you may as well get it out of the way in early October... especially if you're going to lose, and extra-specially if you're from Georgia.

Green Bay, 27-15

Indianapolis at Houston... "Peyton Manning" is atop the list of "guys who would show a lot more sportsmanship by tearing their ACL."

Indy, 31-10

San Diego at Miami...While I wasn't actually rooting for Miami last week, it was cool to see all the trick plays.

SD, 30-13

 Seattle at NY Giants... I've forgiven the Giants for That Game last February, since they were New England's de facto team before we got the Pats. I just can't hate them the way I hate the Lakers  or the Yankees.

 Sea Town, 16-14

Washington at Philly... If we ever play Washington in a Super Bowl, I plan to refer to them exclusively as "the Foreskins." it's too good of a name to use for anything less.

Philly, 21-19

Tampa Bay at Denver... Denver should refuse to plow the field after their next blizzard, then gain a big advantage in the subsequent game by using their previously-hidden store of snowshoes and cross-country skis. If I were running Denver, you can be damn skippy that I'd have snowshoes stacked somewhere, just in case we needed them. Stonewall Jackson ordered (and planned to use) pikes, as you recall.

Denver 24-13

Buffalo at Arizona... In the quite literally polar opposite of the Atlanta/Green Bay scenario lited above, it must suck to have your trip to Arizona from Buffalo scheduled in the warm part of October.

Arizona, 20-18

 Cincy at Dallas.... The Bengals would actually be pretty good if like half the game didn't involve tackling the other team's players when they're trying to score. Some teams really need a girl or two in the front office, because I see this quite clearly.

Dallas, 38-21

New England at San Francisco... It sure will be strange being down two games to Buffalo in the AFC East if I'm wrong on both my bets concerning the two teams.

New England, 21-20

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville... The team that has 3 injured running backs takes on the team that has 5 no-talent wide receivers. Ironically, the team that can't run throws rather well, while the team that can't throw can run the ball all damn day. This is pretty much why Stacey only lets me bet $100 per game.

Pitty, 17-14

Minnesota at New Orleans.... Minnesota approached me to quarterback the team recently, but I was already verbally committed to the Duxbury High School field hockey team.

New Orleans, 15-14