East of Boston

I'll Take One Of Those, And One Of Those...

We're just moments away from an event that a large segment of our population views as a sort of Adult Christmas. Today, you get a big surprise present. That would be the NFL Draft, which kicks off today at 4, and goes in spurts through the whole weekend. You can watch every second of it on ESPN, if you are so inclined.

Not that you'll see a lot, however. It's mostly a room full of 300 pound men demonstrating how silly 300 pound men look in suits. When one of them is drafted by a team, he gets a hat from the team and a hug from his mom. It's cute once, but I can only watch about 8 straight hours of it.

There are a lot of intangibles to look for. Sometimes, the player brings his Baby's Momma to the festivities. Other times, the rush of going from poor country kid to millionaire athlete is enough to make one of the behemoths cry. You get to see numerous Proud Dads, and even an Entourage or two among the more high-profile players.

The draft itself is a wonderful pile of Intrigue, with endless speculation of player potential and Byzantine dealings to acquire said player. You get to watch highlight reels of these men as they batter other college kids, like this one of Alabama left tackle Andre Smith:

The Patriots have 4 picks of interest in this draft. They have their own first and second round picks, and they have two other second rounders that they acquired through trades. You can land starters in rounds one through four or so, although I should add that Tom Brady went in round 6 when he was drafted.

Tom is a good example of why the NFL Draft isn't an Exact Science. Tom is the best player of his generation, yet about 165 other players were selected before him. Tom was supposed to be a good guy to have on the bench, while the attention of his draft class was dominated by Courtney Brown and LaVarr Arrington... both of whom had flamed out of the NFL by the time Tom Brady had won his third Super Bowl and married the supermodel. Simply put (which is why it was Forrest Gump's mom's advice), you never know what you are going to get.

Part of this is because it's tough to tell what Belichick is thinking, part of it is that you have to wait for 22 other teams to draft before us... but it's very difficult to guess what the Patriots are going to do. They have numerous needs to fill, which should shed light on how they will draft... but they also have a tendency to do the unexpected.

I'm not doing a full mock draft this year, because I lack the requisite A) time and B) Abdullah, who is more skilled in these matters than I am. He can give you a fairly concise evaluation on the professional prospects of some kid at Schmuck State, while I can basically just go "that brother looks mean."

What I can do is attempt to identify areas of Need, and then analyze the Hype Machine so as to give myself an idea of who will be available where... and for how much. The Patriots could trade up or down, thus foiling my mock draft attempts... but I still owe you all an attempt.

Working by position, we need Linebackers (both inside and outside). Bruschi is aging, and Vrabel is in Missouri. We need youth in both spots, and would be happy to score a starter on the outside... one like Mr. Brown in the video above. In the second round, I want at least one of the picks to be spent on the son of Road Warrior Animal, who is a linebacker from the Ohio State University.

If even like 5% of what they taught me about Genetics in college is true, then James Laurianitis (or however you spell that) is going to be something else, because the old man was a friggin' Beast. Here he is, press-slamming 350 pound Terry Gordy (of Fabulous Freebirds fame):

Beyond those two, I'd also like a safety and a cornerback. Defensive line depth is always good, but I'll leave that to Belly Check. He seems to know what he's doing.

We'll be back in tomorrow to evaluate the Patriot draft. As is the tradition here, we'll do housewives the service of estimating that the Patriots will be picking between 8 and 9 PM. Leave your husband alone during this time frame, and maybe even con him into paying for your Girls Night Out with the other Football Widows. Just yap in his ear during the earlier selections, and he'll send you off to Bed, Bath And Beyond with his credit card just to get some peace and quiet for when the Patriots start their selection process.

 This is how the System works, and only a fool would fail to exploit it.

2 comments »

March Madness, April Avarice

 Big ups to my sister and my cousin, who got into the NCAA tournament practice sessions in Boston last week with da camera. The good people of Pitt were nice enough to stage a practice for them, and even sign some autographs after.

 Tonight is the big Tournament Finale for the NCAA, Michigan State vs North Carolina.

Personally, I've never cared for college ball. It's not their fault... but they're just not skilled enough to watch as an exhibition of basketball excellence. The best guy on either team tonight looks about fit to sit on the far end of an NBA bench.... if he's lucky. If a truly elite player manages to blossom in a single season, he's going to the NBA... especially after 25 games or so where the other teams just surround him to the point of ineffectiveness. Shaq never won sh*t in college, despite being the best player of his generation.

It's really no secret among NBA types that the 2 best players never even thought of attending college. Guys who skipped college currently can chalk up titles like Scoring Champion, NBA MVP, NBA Defensive Player Of The Year, and Rebounding Leader. Give me a team of NBA guys who skipped college, and I'll destroy a team of four year grads. My lineup is Kobe, LeBron, Dwight Howard, Kevin Garnett and Amare Stoudemire. My bench is Al Jefferson, Tracey McGrady, Andrew Bynum, Bassy Telfair, Jermaine O'Neal and Tyson Chandler. Who you got?

As for the gameplay.. it blows. For instance... there should be about 100 possessions split between the two teams, barring an overtime or a stall session. I'd say that about 70 of the possessions will feature 35 seconds of guys passing the ball around the perimeter, waiting for someone to fail to switch over. 3 of the guys passing the ball will be literally afraid to shoot it, as the power-tripping coach will revoke their scholarship or something if they miss.

Most of the fun in watching this kind of game involves betting on who will botch their defensive assignment first and allow a jump shot. If you ever hang out with me during the Madness, know that I bet consistently on either A) the white guy not being fast enough to catch up with the ball or B) the black guy suffering a momentary lapse of concentration.

Now, covering this kind of offense isn't that hard. A basic zone defense will stifle it, which is why you see a lot of 69-68 college game scores. Shoot, we spent countless hours practicing it at Smith... and we really weren't that good.

As for posting up inside, or dribble penetration... you just don't see it. Any good player over 6'8" will be surrounded by 3 guys inside, and his teammates aren't skilled enough to hit the jump shots (note the puny 3 point line, barely more than a NBA free throw) necessary to relieve the pressure on him.

Not much of this, for instance:  

 Michigan State is a bunch of guys who have got as far as their potentiaql will get them. North Carolina is a constant drag on any NCAA season, enjoying a huge disparity in tournament appearances, especially as a high seed. You'd think 1500 or so teams supposedly working on equal terms would result in great variety in the tournament finals matchups year to year, but the same teams are there every March.

The fun part here is noting that the teams I speak of are generally warm-weather schools who aren't any good at footbball. There is also a Only game In Town feel to watching, say, Alabama vs Oklahoma. Sure, the people there are very excited, but their alternative entertainment option is going home and watching the crops grow.

 There's a good chance that I'll choose to watch Professional Wrestling over the NCAA Finals, although the Colonel may put his foot down. He was outside working today in this Gale we're having, so he deserves Command of the telly.

I wouldn't bet on Michigan State unless they were getting 20 points or so, and I wouldn't bet against Carolina unless Michigan State has someody better than whoever they have now. Abdullah sees UNC getting up big early, then hanging on to win by 15 or so. Sounds good to me...

UNC, 78-63

Two other things...

1) CCToday seems to have an enthusiastic baseball blogger, so I'll leave Opening Day to him.

2) Here's one of the UNC guys dunking on a 7'7" guy who eventually had his foot amputated.

Enjoy....

1 comment »

Help My Really Pretty Friend and The Ol' Barking Dog Play

If you want to have a very, very pretty girl thinking you are the bee's nuts, be the one to help Cherie Blier find her missing  Boston Celtics championship ring. Cherie was a Celtic Dancer for the last two seasons, and that got her both a spot in the championship parade and this emerald/diamond beauty.

Unfortunately, she lost the ring at a store in Providence. If you can believe it, the ring wasn't there when she went back to fetch it up. You'd almost think that a girl could leave her $10K ring unattended in a city like Providence, but no....

 Anywho... Walter is offering a nice reward for anyone who turns the ring in. You can contact him at wb@ecape.com. You can also make some small change by hitting off Monponsett@aol.com. I can get in touch with Cherie.

Granted, you'll do better pawning the ring or selling it on Ebay.... but it often feels better when you do the right thing... or so they tell me. If you own a pawn shop and someone is offering a size 6.5 Celtics championship ring, you'll be in possession of a quite recognizable piece of stolen property.... or you can email me, and maybe make $500 or so.

 Although it shouldn't matter, I should and will mention that Cherie is a 100% yummy professional dancer, and you want people like her to be positively disposed towards you. Her mother also owns a cheesecake company.

Speaking of which... my payoff for the interview I did with Cherie- a handmade blueberry cheesecake- was left at the gas station with Stunning Steve, who assured the young lady that it would get to me. Instead, it was eaten at the station by Steve, his boss, and some guy named Verne from Trinidad who had just happened to pop in at the right time.

 Speaking of dirty tricks....

I can save you a lot of "what the f*ck?" thinking by simply telling you that a player with even moderate skill only needs about a half second of an opening in which to score. The key- and said key unlocks doors from high school to the NBA- is to somehow gain that half second. Most people do it with smarts or athleticism... but some use trickery to get that One Mississippi.

What you see above is something that will draw a half second of attention from even the most focused of players. There are certain things you can not ignore, and this is one of them. Of course... if I were reffing this, I would have given the kid a double technical, and let the Lords Of The Free Throw decide if the play should stand or not.

I coached for a few years at my school in Boston, and I had one trick play that was better than this. Before I tell you about it, understand that my school was a 28 kid charter school that brought together a compelling mix of Thugs and Genuinely Disabled Students who had the common denominator of "had been asked to leave other schools." The only league that would have us was a league of far bigger programs who used to basically stomp our nuts off.

 Except for this one game, which was played in the Chelsea Armory.... One of my ghetto kids shoots like 20-23, and keeps us in it singlehandedly before fouling out. Even then, we're down 51-50... and inbounding the ball under our basket. I only have one player left to replace the disqualified one... and he has a recently-tested IQ of 72. He also refuses to take off the paper mache' African tribal mask that we'd made earlier in History class.

"You should get the ball to Johnathan," said the disqualified player, Dre. "Otherwise, he might go home and burn down his program."

I decided to go to him. Johnathan was able to enter the game after I won an argument with the other coach over Masked Players by invoking the Rip Hamilton Precedent. I sent the other 4 players to the wrong end of the court, while leaving Johnathan to putter about 90 feet away. The other team falls for the ruse, and Johnathan catches the ball about 15 feet away from the basket. He is unguarded, and time is running out. He just heaves the f*cking thing... and, sure enough, it goes in.

Our team dogpiles all over him, and even the other team comes over and hugs him... very unusual in an urban game. I cried like I did when my kids were born healthy, and used a week's pay to treat both teams to Burger King. Johnathan- who, prior to that moment, was a fat, mildly retarded kid who got no respect at all- was the king of the school for a week after. He was as happy as I've ever seen someone who wasn't on Ecstasy.

A funny postscript.... a few of the thugs decide that a night out on the town would be in Johnathan's best interest, now that he was a superhero and everything. They told me about it after the fact, no doubt to make me angrier.

"We got him all  nice on the weed.... stop hitting me, Stacey! We just wanted him to chill out, because we were gonna get him a woman."

"Don't tell me this... how did that go?"

"He wouldn't take the tribal mask off. Long story, short... he made a whore cry."

Thanks to SportingNews.com - The Sporting Blog for the video.

3 comments »

Supa Bowl!!

New Englanders, and especially people from Massachusetts, sort of lord it over evryone else more than we think we do. My roomate at Smith (who was from North Carolina) once told me something like, "You people think the rest of America owes you for Thanksgiving, Patriots Day, St. Patrick's Day, Labor Day, Halloween... I'm surprised you don't claim Christmas, just to have all the holidays!" I usually replied, "Did you know that Martin Luther King went to BU ? "

Even if we delay some dude's wind farm, I'm proud to be from New England... and sort of don't enjoy non-Yankee holidays like Easter as much as I could. This leads me to today's discussion.

There are two (2) events in American history/culture that demand holidays. Maybe three, if you think that the Indians, brothers and Mexis should get a holiday... Oppression Day or something. I'd be with that, although I'm not counting it among the Two for reasons of Majority Rule.

One non-holiday is a sad one... September 11th. While I suppose Veteran's Day and Memorial Day work there, as we were all targets that day... and Halloween is really supposed to be the day to honor the dead... 9/11 should stand alone. I also think that the New York Jets should have to change their name, as I get a chill every time I hear it spoken... but we're heading into another article with THAT one.

It does transition well into what I do plan to talk about today, which is the other holiday we don't get... Super Bowl Sunday. Something should occur to give everyone the day after the Super Bowl off from work. Maybe they alter February vacation to accomodate the NFL. Maybe the NFL will extend the season to February vacation somehow. The USA is bigger than the NFL, but the NFL is having a better year. Either way, someone should budge.

If I were Barry O (I currently refer to our sitting President as either "OB," "Barry O," or "the Prezzy") and wanted to start my Presidency off on a popular note, I'd move President's Day to the day after the Super Bowl. "It's sort of like my birthday, and I want to spend it watching football and drinking American-made pilsner beer."

I can see it now, and he has my permission to use this strategy during a campaign year. Adopting and modifying the Bush II strategy, he could brand anyone who complains as a pansy traitor liberal terrorist, and have them raped by Guantanamo Bay CIA operatives pretty much on the Daily.

Imposing a business/bank holiday on a near-Steinbeckian economic landscape sounds bad at first, but look at it this way.... everyone drinks or overeats while watching the game. They're not going to be good for much at the factory tomorrow. Rather than fight it, give them a morale-boosting holiday.

In my theory, schools would celebrate February vacation during a week which goes Super Bowl Sunday, President's Day Monday, Valentine's Day Tuesday. Prince Spaghetti Day Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, and a regular, recovery-style weekend. You only lose about 1.5 work days there, as V-Day requires staffing of restaurants, flower shops and motels. Renaming Thirsty Thursday as Oppression Day would be acceptable, as I'd most likely not have to alter my celebration technique significantly.

The hit to the economy will be offset by mass consumption of booze, chocolates ("chocolate" is only plural when women want you to buy us a box of them, fellas), IUDs, guacamole, chicken wings, NFL gear, pasta, hip-hop CD sales, salsa, and dining out. I actually did the math, and we end up making like $54 after we cross all the Is and dot the Ts.

Anywho.. I can die peacefully once I've brought this vision of mine to pass. Maybe Ted Kennedy should try to wiggle a no-windmills-near-my-historical-site small print job into his Super Bowl holiday bill. With a merciless Army sergeant waiting for him in Southern Cuba, what Senator would stand up to a dying brother of an assassinated president with 90% of the country behind him? Any time someone tried to excise the wind farm ban part, Ted could just fake another seizure.

That's all for the future, though. Besides bitching about no Super Bowl holiday, I want to briefly share my thoughts with you on the game. I am the sportswriter here, and I think I'll just list my thoughts on the game below:

- Arizona has blown like the mighty North wind for almost exactly twice as long as I've been alive. They've built teams, saw them fail, rebuilt... and they still sucked. The team has bounced from Illinois to Missouri to Arizona like a reverse Mexican. When they take the field for today's Super Bowl, I would not be surprised to see the Earth hit by a comet.

- Kurt Warner is a former MVP who fell on hard times, and is supposed to just be mentoring the new kid (Matt Leinart, of USC fame) until he can boss grown blacks around. He's one of those wily QBs, and will pounce whenever Pittsburgh f*cks up on defense. He's also a good bet to fumble a few times, and remember how ineffective he was when he played New England in the Super Bowl? If a guy was ever poised to suffer a Theismanesque leg-breaking in front of 70 million people, it's Pop Warner.

- Edge James looked shot for about 4 years now, and I don't see him breaking 45 yards against the Steelers defense... even if Arizona wins.

- The last time I watched a whole Arizona game before the playoffs, they came to Foxboro and suffered a beating that would have made one of Joan Crawford's kids wince. I'll be damned if that was a Super Bowl team.. even one having a really bad game.

- If Arizona can get a quick lead, the Steelers may have trouble catching up. The Steelers are built to pound away at teams like heavy surf.

- Larry Fitzgerald is like a God out there. Anquan Boldin is also better than anyone on the Pats not named "Moss." That's him getting knocked out in that video up there, but he's no Sucka.

- Every time I watch Fast Willie Parker play, he either has 150 yards running or stinks up the joint with a 11-24-0 effort. I don't think I've ever seen him rush 20 times for 80 yards, although that may just be a coincidence.

- Big Ben Roethlisburger (try spelling that one 20 times in an article) could win the game with his scrambling, or he could go 9-22 with 4 picks... just like he did in the last Super Bowl he played in. The team is built to win around that above statement.

- St. Louis once had both the Cardinals and Kurt Warner.

- The Cromartie kid in the Cardinals secondary came very, very close to being a New England Patriot in last year's draft, and he may be the fastest man on the field. Cromartie will make life difficult for one of the Pittsburgh wideouts... but the Steelers have two good ones. If Cromartie covers Hines Ward, Santonio Holmes will burn them deep. If he covers Holmes, Ward will have a Wes Welker-like game. Arizona can afford neither of these developments.

- The Colonel will be watching at a friend's house, so it's just me and the girls.. unless Elle comes home. I only have $100 on the game, and the Patriots aren't in it.... so there should be no riotous side effects from me in this game. Last year, I broke Elle's pancreas in a post-game fracas, and would have drowned her in Buzzrds Bay if the Colonel hadn't intervened. I'm thinking that she may stay up at school this weekend.

- I can't bring myself to bet on the Cardinals winning a championship, as I believe they should still be in St. Louis. This one is Power vs. Speed, and NFL football is a Power game. I'll settle for them beating the spread.

Pittsburgh, 31-30

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NFL CONFERENCE FINALS

It's days like today that remind me that Eskimo and Lapland cultures have over 500 combined different and specific descriptive terms for snowfall.

For instance,  "Powder" is a bastardization of "Pow-da," a term used in the Himalayian cultures to describe that fine, dry, sweepable snow that falls at 20 degrees. Conversely, "Slush" is a term deriven from northern Finland, where locals use it to decribe snow that falls right around the snow/sleet line... soggy, full of moisture, and a SOB to (watch my husband) shovel.

Speaking of which, he's out there doing this as we speak. I just stopped and slid in the ice, thinking that no one was watching... but mom/teachers make it their business to Always Be Watching. The Colonel is a giant man, but he has boyish features... and he looks very much like a child when viewed from afar as he is acting childish. It doesn't happen often, but it's fun when it does.

I'm not sure, but this may also be why I watch football. Here's how I see the NFL Conference Championships going down:

Philly vs Arizona

Arizona lost their way into the playoffs, haven't been good since the Four Horsemen were playing, and I have $500 saying that they get beaten today like they were talking about someone's momma.

Philly, 41-24

Baltimore vs Pittsburgh

A defensive struggle, but Pittsburgh has the ability to go deep. Baltimore will make them pay a couple of times, but they'll succeed enough to go to the Super Bowl. Yes, I'm predicting an All Pennsylvania Super Bowl.

Pittsburgh, 20-13

6 comments »

The Team Can Practice In Brewster If Need Be

Which Cape Cod high school football team will hire Eric Mangini?

I do a lot of fighting for a housewife, and one of the things I've learned is that it's better to Strike Hard and Strike Fast. Sun-Tzu, Julius Caesar, Von Schlieffen, and Genghis Khan will all tell you the same thing (in different words, of course), but I'll save you all that book stuff by giving it to you in the first sentence.

With that truth on the table, let's get right to the meat of this article... a very simple question, really... one that better minds than mine might alrady be working on solving. If not, I'll make up for my inferior intellect by Getting The Ball Rolling on the Question At Hand.

Which Cape Cod high school football team will hire Eric Mangini?
The Mangina was the former coach of the New York Jets, who went from 8-3 AFC frontrunners to 9-7 playoff missers faster than you can say "You're fired." That's all well and good, but even a 9-7 NFL coach is going to kick holy ass on the Cape.

Coaches come and go in the NFL, and I won't waste your time telling you about Rod Marinelli, Herm Edwards or Wade Phillips. We try to keep it Cape Cod in this paper. Here's the deal... Mangini owns a vacation house in Brewster, and the motherf***er is most certainly on vacation now.

So... that leaves him plenty of time to coach the Bourne High School Manginas (part of the deal will be renaming the school mascot so as to develop a cult of personality in the school's football program). He's got all that Noo Yawk money to spend, just like everyone else on Cape Cod. He certainly knows football. Any team would be improved by having him take over the program.

We could sure use the man at Bourne High, especially if he has access to professional-grade steroids and painkillers. Wareham slaps us around every Thanksgiving, and I take a lot of ship at border-area Tupperware parties over it. That ship would stop right away if BHS brought in the Mangina.

If necessary, I'd kick in entay ousandthay if someone wanted to put together a little sous la table wink wink offer. You know where to get in touch with me.

Fun Mangini facts, before he fades away....

- He was the youngest coach (37) in the 4 major sports during his tenure.

- He has eight (8) kids, all with semi-biblical names.

- One of the kids is named after Rodney Harrison, and one is named after Belichick.

- While the Jets were trying to get Brett Favre, Mangini promised to name his son after Favre if he signed there. Favre signed, and Eric lived up to his word. The child was born on Favre's 39th birthday.

- Rumors are flying all over the sports blogosphere that Bill Belichick has somehow obtained videotape of the Mangini firing, but that he's not gonna use it until 2015, when Belichick's Nantucket High School squad travels to Bourne to take on the Manginas for all the marbles.

12 comments »

I Want An Allosaurus For Christmas

I am an all-knowing Franco-Savant

Many people come up to me and ask me when they should take their tree down, as my being French is equitable in their minds to my knowing the answers to such things.

In my house, it's easy. Christmas is over when the Colonel polishes off the last of the leftovers. I don't even have to look in the fridge... for the days after Christmas, he either has a roast beef sandwich near him or he's not hungry. Then (today, as it worked out), he asks me if there's anything to eat. When that happens, I take the ornaments off the tree, and have him take it off to the dump.

The most popular present in the Monponsett household was the D-Rex that the girls got as sort of a tandem gift.

For those of you who don't have an 8 year old, the D-Rex is a radio controlled dinosaur. He's a foot and a half tall, and has realistic dinosaur skin that wrinkles up when he smiles/growls/chortles.... because, as science has proven, dinosaurs did indeed chortle. He even wags his little tail. He's almost cute, and the girls- who longtime fans of this column will recall are afraid of Cobras- absolutely adore him.

D-Rex's principal role in our household is to use his motion detector option (in which nearby motion causes D-Rex to suddenly charge out, growling) to scare Sloppy Dog, who isn't that fond of D-Rex anyway. The girls spend half the day devising  ways to position D-Rex where he can suddenly surprise Sloppy, usually by standing DR next to the dog's supper dish. Sloppy goes to get a drink, D-Rex comes to life, there's a standoff, and the girls howl with laughter.... 50 times a day since Thursday.

 So, it's with great pleasure that I wall myself off in my office and crank out this week's football picks... because it's only a matter of time before my husband needs a sandwich or the border collie kills the automated Allosaurus. You gotta get in where you fit in, folks.

Week 17

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills 1:00 p.m.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Who woulda thunk that the nearly perfect, record-smashing team of last year would be sweating out not only the Buffalo finale game but the Jets/Dolphins throwdown as the season ends?

Miami was the worst team in the L last year, and the Jets were bad enough to be drafting at # 6 or so... now, they can win the division over the team that broke almost every offensive record in history last year. The NFL is never stagnant.

As for this game... the Pats don't seem like one of those pre-Papi Red Sox teams that will choke on a game like this, so look for us to close the deal on our end... at which point, every eye in the stadium will be looking at the score of the Miami/Jets game.

NE, 27-10

Jacksonville Jaguars at Baltimore Ravens 1:00 p.m.

New England can sneak into the playoffs if Baltimore chokes on this game, but Mother always said Do Fo Self.... so I'll bet with what I want to happen, which actually hasn't proven to be a wise course of action throughout most of my life.

Jacksonville, 14-10

St. Louis Rams at Atlanta Falcons 1:00 p.m.
When, in a draft of the future, your favorite team takes some geeky-looking QB over some just-may-end-up-killing-someone defensive end, remember how Matty Ice turned this bunch of clowns around.

Atlanta, 21-10

 Kansas City Chiefs at Cincinnati Bengals 1:00 p.m.
If Chad Johnson is going to do something stupid before he leaves Cincy, this will be the time he does it.

KC, 28-14

Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers 1:00 p.m.
You just may looking at the worst team in NFL history, one that might even lose to a 1925 team with 150 pound linebackers and no blacks anywhere but by the janitor's closet.

GB, 170-0

Chicago Bears at Houston Texans 1:00 p.m.
Providing you with a definition of "fickle".... I loved the Houston Oilers, while I hate the Houston Texans. I have no concrete reason at all for feeling this way.

Houston, 17-16

Tennessee Titans at Indianapolis Colts 1:00 p.m.
If this were Remember The Titans instead of the Tennessee Titans, it would make a perfect plot twist if they convinced Vince Young to go out and play cornerback... especially if he somehow turned out to be pretty good at it.

Indy, 24-23

N.Y. Giants at Minnesota Vikings 1:00 p.m.
I was going to talk about the football game in here, but would you just look at this hockey goal:

That dude is as ill as a convict who kills for phone time.

NYG, 20-7

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints 1:00 p.m.
Drew Brees stands a fair chance of breaking the NFL record for passing yards in a season. He also stands to break the Barry Sanders record for Most Impressive Stats On A Team That Didn't Win Sh*t.

Carolina, 23-21

Miami Dolphins at N.Y. Jets 1:00 p.m.
If you asked me at the beginning of the year how this could be the most important game of the season in the AFC East, I'd have said that "the loser gets the #1 overall pick in the year that the next Elway is coming out of college." This actual outcome would have surprised me, and I would have given you 100000:1 odds on it.

As for the outcome of the game... I still don't know how Miami won a game this year, so I'll bet on the team who has Brett Favre.

NYJ, 24-17

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles 1:00 p.m.
It'd be too much to ask of God to see Dallas lose this and fall apart on the field, so I'll bet on the sad end of the McNabb era in Philthydelphia. They'll draft someone at QB, and cut DM loose this offseason. TO will lobby for him in Dallas. It all makes sense once you first envision it.

Dallas, 28-10

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers 1:00 p.m.
We're probably not too far from Willie McGinest "retiring," only to sign with the Patriots in Week 11 of the 2009 season when Shawn Crable proves to be not working out. He asks for Seau's jersey, for symbolic purposes.

Pittsburgh, 24-6

Oakland Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1:00 p.m.
Oakland is building an excellent team, one first round position pick at a year. Unfortunately for the people of this generation, there are like 64 guys on a team.

TB, 10-0

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals 4:15 p.m.

It's hard to bet a nickel on Arizona after that Jobbing they submitted against the Pats last week, but Seattle stinks like an unchanged Baby New Year diaper.

Arizona, 21-19

Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers 4:15 p.m.
The more media-friendly Game That Decides A Division turns into a shootout.

San Diego, 38-37

Washington Redskins at San Francisco 49ers 4:15 p.m.

Don't think that people in DC don't know that if the Chinese discovered America, our capital would most likely have been San Francisco.

Washington, 21-20

3 comments »

A Christmas Quiz

From "Who told Mary that she was pregnant?" to
"Who kills Iraqis to avenge the murder of Jesus?

1. Who told Mary that she was pregnant with Jesus? "With Jesus" meaning "carrying Jesus," not the other way. That'd really be some messed up stuff right there.
2. This President scolded a visiting French diplomat (who had remarked on the poor condition of a Virginia churchhouse) by saying "Yet, it is good enough for He that was born in a manger."
3. In the 1964 animated special, this Big Eight reindeer is credited with fathering Rudolph.
4. This man ordered the Slaughter of The Innocents to eliminate Jesus, the future King of the Jews.
5. In Swedish folklore, Santa rides one of these around.
6. Name the three ghosts who visit Scrooge.
7. The celebration of Christmas was banned here from 1659-1681.
8. Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. Where does Father Christmas live?
9. True or False... In the Netherlands, Saint Nicholas is aided by someone named Black Peter, a former Ethiopian slave who fills the role that Americans ascribe to Elves.
10. This artist is credited for the red/white Santa we all know today.

11) According to an AOL poll, this is the average age when kids figure out that whole Santa thing.

12) This country made Santa Claus an official citizen, and he can legally enter and leave the country without documentation.

13) Donner and Blitzen ( or Donder and Blitzrn) have Germanic names that translate to what?

14) She's the mother of the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser.

15) What makes Shadrack the Reindeer stand out?

16) In Red Sleigh Down, who kills Iraqis to avenge the murder of Jesus?

17) Santa uses six Boomers to get around Australia. What are boomers? 

18) This historical figure is about to kill Snoopy, but lets him slide and instead shares a drink with him.

19) According to NORAD (which tracks him), Santa ends his "mission" at the same spot every year. Where is Santa's last stop? NORAD seems to have the best term for for the Sleigh Ride, as it also implies religious service.

ANSWERS

1) The angel Gabriel... I may be getting my CCD wrong, but I think that they call this the Annunciation.

2) Thomas Jefferson, who wasn't really that religious.

3) Donner (or Donder)... on the show, Donner shows wonderful acceptance by forcing Rudolph to cover his nose in what I believe is reindeer sh*t.

4) Herod the Great, who seemingly wasn't actually that Great.... guy prolly has his own room in Hell.

5) A goat, who doesn't fly. Santa actually hops onto several different animals (depending on the culture, he rides goats, camels, horses, donkeys, and dragons) during his mission.

6) The Ghost Of Christmas Past, The Ghost Of Christmas Present, and the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.... everyone gets the last one wrong.

7) New England, during the witch-burning period. I can't make fun of you as a French person because we have Whipping Claus.

8) Lapland, Finland... where, I might add, the principal food of the residents (a sort of Scandanavian Eskimo) is reindeer.

9) True... Nicholas liberated Peter from a Myra slave market, and the grateful Peter stuck around to aid his benefactor. He's the one who climbs into the chimney and leaves the presents. He also navigates the steamboat. It's a long story.

We French worship Pere Noel, who is basically Santa-esque, other than riding a donkey. The treats children leave by the fireplace are traditionally for the donkey, although my family did sugar cookies. In some regions of France, Saint Nicholas is accompanied by someone (Le Pere Fouettard, literally The Whipping Father, who is more German) who actually whips bad children.

10) Thomas Nast... Coca-Cola later popularized and cemented the r/w Santa. For most of history, he appears in monk-colored clothing.

11)  8 years old.... but my own children are slow in this regard, so STFU.

12) Canada, which also allows him cheap prescription medication and decriminalized marijuana.

13) Thunder and Lightning

14) Mother Nature.

15) He's black

16) Santa... and one of his reindeers is named "Montel."

17) Very powerful kangaroos... he only uses them to get around Australia, and local legend there has him hitching the reindeer back up after he finishes the Land Down Under.

18) The Red Baron, Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen... who is credited with 52 kills as a WWI ace. Theory holds that he was himself eventually shot down by an unknown AA gunner on the ground.

19) Hawaii.... which makes sense, because this is also where I would end such a mission.

Here's the site:  http://www.noradsanta.org/  It rules, as it also tells you where Santa has been... and, if you can hack, allow you to alter the Naughty List.

I've been doing this site with own children, which provides me a fine opportunity to discuss my geopolitical views with the kids. "Santa doesn't go to Pakistan, because they may kill him there."

20) Paul Young, which is sort of why Tug'o'Wars place so much emphasis on the Anchorman.

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You Can Do The Job While You're In Town

Frequent readers of this paper waste little pity on me. I'm wealthy, mean-spirited, and have a tendency to make jokes in the comments sections of "Kid Gets Run Down By Train" articles. It's tough to feel sorry for someone who Probably Had It Coming.

It's all good, as my general policy is to Ask and Accept No Quarter.

So, it's more for your amusement that I lead off this week's picks with a little story. I've moved to my little house in upstate New Hampshire temporarily, while we work on some properties that we bought in Freeport, Maine. We prefer Cape Cod, but a year spent away before returning should make us about $700,000... so off to the North we went.

Fortunately, we didn't rent out the Bourne property. As you know, upper New England suffered through a terrific ice storm recently, and yours truly is going on about her 10th day without power. My house in Stark looks not unlike Jack Nicholson did at the end of The Shining. Seeing as we could get nothing done in Maine, school was cancelled, and were freezing at our "home" in New Hampshire, we decided to come home to Cape Cod...

... to this:

SAT, DEC 20
Baltimore at Dallas 8:15 PM

I'm rooting for Baltimore in this one, because it'll be funny if TO and Romo start squabbling again after a loss. Baltimore has a very similar defense to the Pittsburgh one that whaled on Big D a few weeks ago. However, one should never bet on what they want to happen, even if some justification exists.

Dallas, 9-6

SUN, DEC 21
New Orleans at Detroit 1:00 PM

The difference between selecting Reggie Bush in the draft and Hurricane Katrina is that the female disaster doesn't have a Fathead commercial.

New Orleans, 28-0

 
Cincinnati at Cleveland 1:00 PM

While the Battle of Ohio rages, millions will sleep in the blessed ignorance in the Ukraine.

Cincy, 17-16

Miami at Kansas City 1:00 PM

Miami has won too many games against big teams for them to not lose to a bad one.

KC, 12-10

Pittsburgh at Tennessee 1:00 PM

The Steelers need stand off only the Colts to be called the best in the AFC right now. The Titans just lost their best defensive player. I like the Steelers in this one.

Steelers, 21-13

San Diego at Tampa Bay 1:00 PM

Denver plays Buffalo while these two nice climates manage to host only one game.

SD, 20-19

San Francisco at St. Louis 1:00 PM

The 747 jet makes it hard to remember going to this game in 1849 would have involved a 1mph stagecoach ride over the Rockies. The benefit was that you could shoot Sioux at your tailgate parties.

SF, 10-3

Arizona at New England 1:00 PM

Arizona has the starting QB and both starting WRs in the Pro Bowl, but they've also sucked for like 6 decades. Our next loss proves that, even with a good team, our season was over when Tommy Cool went down. I'll bet us because Arizonans can't do well in snowstorms.

NE, 31-30

Houston at Oakland 4:05 PM

 The good thing about a pre-Christmas game in Oakland is that you can leave afterwards... unless you're going to Houston, that is.

Houston, 24-7

NY Jets at Seattle 4:05 PM

I hope that Samoan linebacker that the S'awks have hits Favre so hard that he starts taking Oxycontin again.

NYJ, 20-14

Buffalo at Denver 4:05 PM

 The MVP of this game?

Denver, 24-18

Atlanta at Minnesota 4:15 PM

 There isn't a hole in the ceiling at Minnesota's stadium so that God doesn't have to watch the Vikings play.

Atlanta, 16-14

Philadelphia at Washington 4:15 PM

I, as the sportswriter here, was impressed after that Iraqi guy threw those shoes at George Bush.

A) I was impressed with George's ability to dodge.... the world would be a much different place indeed if JFK or Abraham Lincoln had Bush's ability to avoid contact.

B) I was impressed that the Iraqi made two perfect/down the middle throws in a high pressure situation without having had baseball or NFL football to fashion his overhand throwing style after. His only overhand-throwing role models are PLO insurgents throwing rocks at the IDF.

Philly, 19-7

Carolina at NY Giants 8:15 PM

 Any team named "Carolina" should trot the players out at halftime to lead the crowd through a few carols. Because they don't, I'm gonna bet on the other guys.... but not by much.

NYG, 18-17

MON, DEC 22
Green Bay at Chicago 8:30 PM

 If Santa dies, the governor of Illinois will try to sell his position off to the most affluent Elf.

GB, 14-0

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A Holly Jolly Point Spread

Tampa Bay at Atlanta 1:00 PM

 Watch Tampa's run defense in action, then bet on Atlanta... unless you like to live dangerously.

Tampa, 20-19

Washington at Cincinnati 1:00 PM

 Cincy stinks like freshly dropped reindeer feces.

Washington, 28-7

Tennessee at Houston 1:00 PM

 Tennessee used to be the Houston Oilers, and I've never forgiven them for taking the cool Oiler unis out of the league. Of course, one should never bet according to who one hates.

Tenny, 17-15

Detroit at Indianapolis 1:00 PM

NFL fans will note that each scenario shown to Scrooge by the Ghosts Of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come featured the Detroit Lions not making the playoffs.

Indy, 38-9

Green Bay at Jacksonville 1:00 PM

 Whatever else went wrong for Jacksonville this season, at least they aren't spending December 15th in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Green Bay, 24-14

San Diego at Kansas City 1:00 PM

 At least KC knew they were going to be bad before they were 4-6 or so. San Diego thought that they were jobbed out of the Super Bowl until they fell apart around October 14th.

SD, 30-10

San Francisco at Miami 1:00 PM

 Miami Vice had more copious drug use than The Streets Of San Francisco among Old People TV Shows, so I choose them.

Miami, 17-14

Buffalo at NY Jets 1:00 PM

 Buffalo fell apart like a Korean television after a nice start, but it'd be really nice of them to give us first place back by whupping the Jets.

NYJ, 10-9

Seattle at St. Louis 1:00 PM

 Seattle's Lofa Tatupu (son of Mosi) inspired this video tribute to NFL Samoans.

Seattle, 20-17

Minnesota at Arizona 4:05 PM

 The same team has the best running back in the NFL and the worst quarterback.

Arizona, 24-21

Pittsburgh at Baltimore 4:15 PM

 If you can get this game in, watch it. These are the two best defenses in the NFL right now.

Pitt, 10-9

Denver at Carolina 4:15 PM

 Carolina ran all over a tough Tampa defense last week, and Denver is sort of the opposite of "tough."

Carolina, 31-28

New England at Oakland 4:15 PM

 Unless rookie tailback Darren McFadden erupts this week, we should be 9-5 and definitely in the race for the playoffs.

NE, 30-17

NY Giants at Dallas 8:15 PM

 These teams hate each other, the weather is enough to piss of Guy Smiley, and this game sets the playoff tone for one or both teams. Dallas is fighting with themselves this week, so pick the champs. Besides, Tony Romo is clutch.

NYG, 20-19

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