Mr. Mom I am not

Single Parents part 2

Wow, you would have thought in my last post I called the Virgin Mary a tramp. Actually if I had I probably would have gotten fewer comments.  Apparently readers think that I attacked a group of people more sanctified than the Virgin, single moms.  Funny that I only mentioned single mothers once in the blog "Of course many single parent homes are superior to many two parent homes and we all know someone who has done a great job raising kids on her (usually it is a women) own."  Oh how vicious how could I ever live with myself after saying such a thing?

I did however attack adults who are not responsible for their children.  "The biggest issue is that the adults in these situations cant seem to understand that once you have kids your world is no longer about yourself.  That means you must commit to a secure relationship soon after you have made the decision to have kids.  You must stay away from personal gratification that can damage that relationship too". Notice how I don't say woman.  Oddly enough I thought that most people understood that two people are responsible for making babies.  Both the father and mother of the child need to heed this statement. Want to go drinking every night? Do you like catting around, doing drugs, spending your kids lunch money on a new video game? Well grow up there is somebody there more important than you.  Not getting married or getting divorced just because everything isn't going your way is no longer an option.  Don't get along with your partner? Than find out why and try to fix it. If more fathers became responsible adults after fathering a child we wouldn't have so many single mothers.

Of course one terrible truth is that women have the ultimate choice over sex.  Men may or may not become more responsible but women still hold the trump card for sex.  Remember, women are usually the ones left "holding the bag" or baby if they get pregnant.  Right or wrong doesn't really matter does it.  The if men got pregnant argument fails here because, well it just aint gonna happen.  Ask Sarah Palin if she is happy that her daughter was having sex.  Although I do think that Levi is fourtuneate that she is so famous otherwise the "first dude" may have taken him out in the woods for some back country snow-mobiling. And Bristol has a well to do support network.  How would things go if mom and dad only earned 40 or 50 grand.

The day after I wrote Single Parents Part 1 I was reading SOCO magazine (Nov. page 30), a magazine about the south coast of Massachusetts. I actually was reading about Thanksgiving.  However there also happened to be an article about homelessness in the New Bedford area. When the director of a shelter in New Bedford was asked who most of her clients were she replied single women with children under six.  So this is good for the kids?  Do you really think these kids are going to go to pre-school?  Where are the fathers? Oh let me guess they left for the good of the family so the mother could get housing.  Yeah right.

Now we get to see the media trotting out the latest P.O.S. to spread his seed, the aforementioned Levi Johnston.  Father a kid at 17 and get to go on MTV.  Nice message.  We already ignore Tom Brady's little oops so we can keep his hero status.  Shouldn't we shame these guys more? Maybe some young boy would think twice on the night he forgot his school supplied condom before heading to the back of the family mini-van.

Also this week we get a new report from the USDA that says that food insecurity is on the rise in the US. That doesn't mean your dinner is having an identity crisis that is political newspeak for more people are hungry. Guess what group leads the list? Single women with kids, followed by single fathers with kids are the hungriest (or have the least food security). Married couples with children had the lowest rate for households with children.  Households with a parent, children and some other adult fell in between. Single parenthood is not a product of poverty so much as poverty is often a result of single parenthood.    If you are hungry do you do well in school?

Should it really strike me as odd that all of the kids in my sons preschool have two parents? It should be odd if it was otherwise.  Of course there will always be single parents.  Women get pregnant out of wed-lock even if they are "being careful".  Although the US divorce rate is double most other countries people often get divorced for darn good reasons. And of course many divorced couples amenably share parenting.

Still, as I stated before, what is going to be interesting to me is when my sons go off to kindergarten and first grade and they are in classes with students from single parent homes.  Will the kids from my sons pre-school be ahead of the kids in the class from single parent homes? 

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Single Parents part 1

I was looking through the parent-student directory for my son's preschool the other day and I noticed something that seemed odd to me.  Well, actually it shouldn't have seemed odd all and at one time in our history normal, but not anymore.  Oddly enough, the thing that seemed so odd is that all but one of the children that attend his school (all classes not just his) has two parents.

At one point in our history it was normal to get married and then have children.  It was normal not to divorce and it was normal to be ashamed of getting pregnant out of wedlock.  Why? We knew that it is difficult and expensive to raise children in single parent homes. That is why they used to have children and widows funds.  In a two parent home the kids have the influence of two adults who love them at almost all times.  Parents can decide to have one stay home with the children for some portion of their early lives, saving on day care costs, or work opposite shifts so one is always home.  Even when one spouse travels for work the other knows she or he will get some help soon.  The children too know that the other parent will be there soon.  And the children recognize that each parent has a role in their lives. The parents can decide what that is. A single parent has to be everything to the children and earn the income.  Of course many single parent homes are superior to many two parent homes and we all know someone who has done a great job raising kids on her (usually it is a women) own.

However the statistics on single parent households are frightening.  At some point in their young lives at least 50% of all children in the US will live in a single parent home.  At any given time 30% of all US children are living in single parent homes.  The effects of raising children in single parent homes can be devastating.  Children from single parent homes have a significantly greater tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol, engage in sexual activity at a young age, drop out of school, perform poorly in school, commit crimes, and so forth.  As a matter of fact in many of these categories if we eliminated single parent households the rates of these activities would drop by 70% or more.  That is 70% fewer kids dropping out of school or committing crimes.

It is easy to see the opposite effects of the two parent households on the kids in my son's school. The children are learning to read and write, do simple mathematics, learn history, and all seem to be well socially adjusted.  These kids will be more than ready for school when they start kindergarten within the next few years.  Statistics show that if these kids remain in two parent homes they will do well in school and avoid problems with drugs, alcohol, sex, and will do better after school in either going on to college or work.

There is nothing different about these families at my son's school other than they have made a commitment to family.  Many of the kids have one parent home most of the day.  That's it that is all that is different.  I am sure some parents read to their kids and practice writing and some may just plunk them in front of television.  But it doesn't matter.  For some reason kids from two parent homes do better than kids from single parent homes.

There are many reasons for single parent families.  And of course everyone can point to a great single parent family were the children are doing just fine.  Don't forget even if as many as 70% of children from single parent families have some sort of problem 30% don't.  Yes I know that kids from single parent homes can even become President.

And many single family situations are temporary, which is to say parents re-marry (or marry in a sort of backwards chain of events).

The biggest issue is that the adults in these situations cant seem to understand that once you have kids your world is no longer about yourself.  That means you must commit to a secure relationship soon after you have made the decision to have kids.  You must stay away from personal gratification that can damage that relationship too. Excessive drinking, drugs, casual sex, spending food money on a video game, skipping work to watch a baseball game are all activities for the childless.  Of course you shouldn't stay in a relationship where one partner is acting like this or is abusive but you can't just quit right away either.

What is going to be interesting to me is when my sons go off to kindergarten and first grade and they are in classes with students from single parent homes.  Will the kids from my sons pre-school be ahead of the kids in the class from single parent homes? 

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H1N1 and Kids

 
What the bug looks like

Any one with kids is probably worried about the swine flu right now.  With all the media hype and attention and the lack of vaccine it feels to some like Russian roulette to take the kids out in public.  I know some people didn't take their kids trick or treating for fear of the flu.  Churches have taken precautions such as omitting hand shakes during the peace offering and wine during communion.  Everyday we are blasted with reports of children dying and long lines for flu shots.  How can this happen here in the United States?  Who is to blame? After all it must be somebody's fault.

At first I wasn't concerned with flu shots for the kids including the swine flu shot. After all 30,000 to 40,000 people die in the US each year from seasonal flu and its complications.  And of course the news media didn't help.  Once they start telling us about a huge crisis I usually tune out.  After all, to paraphrase a famous newspaper man from New York, when the news is slow just go out and create a crime spree, in other words report the normal crimes and make it seem like the end of the world.  Plus of course we are told that people my age don't need a swine flu shot because we have built up an immunity from ... getting flu as kids and young adults. Huh?  So wouldn't I want my kids to get flu then?  Yes flu is horrible but if you build up immunities isn't that good?  Also, unlike other childhood vaccines such as polio, measles, etc. the flu vaccines are not nearly as effective and last only one season or are for one type of flu. I wanted to know if the vaccine was worth getting or if it was okay to risk not having it.

So I decided to cut through the 60 second news briefs and research it myself.  Although the swine flu does not statistically kill healthy children it is still can be a horrible flu with much worse effects than normal seasonal flu. The vaccine for swine flu is effective because it is targeted at one type of flu unlike the seasonal shots. And of course the government promised us plenty of vaccine.

Now I am definitely a pro=vaccine guy. I really believe in most of the childhood vaccines including chicken pox vaccine which has started its own controversy.

So I decided to get the swine flu shots for the kids and skip the seasonal flu vaccine. Well of course it doesn't matter what I decided because we can't get them anyway.  And when it comes down to it there are lots of reasons why.  Here are some of the reasons why that I have read. Normal vaccine production time is seven months and it is just seven months now since identifying the virus, three vaccine producers shut down this year because they could not make a profit.  Vaccine had to be produced with out the falsely blamed for autism thermasil and that delayed production, and we use 50 year old vaccine production technology.

In reality maybe things could have been done better but if we think about it since when should we expect a disease to be identified and eradicated within seven months?  Sure I do place blame on the government for hyping up the importance of shots without being able to deliver any and the news media for jumping all over it like it's the next plague.  After all how many times have you seen the word pandemic thrown around?  It isn't a pandemic; I really hope it doesn't get to be one either but if you want to know what one is like watch the PBS special on the 1918 flu.

So now I guess we are stuck comforting ourselves with the "it's not as bad as it sounds" vaccine.  After all it is not a pandemic on the scale of real pandemics. Fewer children have died from it than drown in the toilet each year, and I am not throwing out my toilets.  Even if my kids do get it they are healthy and should be okay.  So we do what we always do. Wash our hands, and try to limit how much strange stuff from out and about they put in their mouths.  When the shots are available we will get them, but of course by then it will probably be like tying to befriend Noah after it starts raining.

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Trick or Treat

One of the great things about having young kids is that holidays are still magic to them.  Of all the holidays for kids Halloween has to be second only to Christmas and way above Arbor Day.  This year Patrick, who is four, was old enough to look forward to trick or treating.  He remembers last year and knew what to expect.  Quinn was old enough to be excited but he wasn't quite sure what it was about.  He knew that he got to wear a costume and he was told he would get candy but he didn't really get it until he saw it happen. And then he was all for it . 

The kids got to go twice this year.  We took them to Main Street Hyannis where the merchants sponsor an awesome safe Halloween trick or treat.  Almost every store takes part in the event and they are quite generous with the loot.  It must be rough for them because they may as well kiss any regular business goodbye for the afternoon.  This year was probably the biggest event I have seen on Main Street in a long time.  Hopefully next year the town returns to the past practice of closing down the street to motor vehicle traffic for the duration. 

After supper we thought the little one would want to get ready for bed and I could take Patrick out in the neighborhood.  Once Quinn learned he could get more candy he overcame his tiredness and grabbed his pumpkin pail for round two.  Everyone in our neighborhood was no less generous than the folks on Main Street and many had wonderfully decorated houses and yards that the kids loved.  many of the homeowners did comment that this year seemed to be slower than previous years and we all wondered why.  I do know that some people did not go out because they were afraid of swine flu from reaching into candy bowls.  But judging by the crowd on Main Street I think that maybe it was just the kids in our town either have out grown it or had something else to do.

One thing I think is great about Halloween is that there doesn't seem to be the controversy that surrounds Christmas and even Thanksgiving.  No protests or fights over displays, just a night for the kids to enjoy themselves as only kids can. 

OK there is one controversy.  Its the one about eating from the candy bucket before breakfast. 

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Stop suing already

These days some advocacy group or another is always screaming at us that we need to avoid some thing or another or our children are going to die or at least be horribly mentally, emotionally, or physically harmed. . I have been told to avoid television, gummy candy, used books (they spread germs, what does the library sanitize them all), trick or treating, various games, trampolines, certain playground equipment, pressure treated wooden playgrounds,  tap water, soda, the sun, teaching them how to write, keeping firearms, keeping a pool, owning pets, vaccines, and countless other apparent hazards to children's health.

I don't have a problem with these advocacy groups telling me about the hazards of the particular activity or item. As a matter of fact I welcome the information they put out. The more information I have about any subject the better I am able to make decisions. 

What I have a problem with is when these groups try to prevent me from exercising my rights to participate in these activities through legislation or lawsuits. Sometimes they can produce good results, such as requiring car seats and booster seats for children.  But even in this case is it up to me to provide a safe seat for my kids if I know that they should be in a booster?  A booster seat helps reduce injuries by 58% over seatbelts alone. I know many people will just not use a booster if it is not required and I am not heartbroken that it is the law but does one positive make up for 10 negatives?

I know most of these groups have good intentions and are well meaning but we know which road we can pave with good intentions. 

What idiot doesn't know that having McDonald's food every meal is going to make your kids fat,  watching television all day does not make your kids smart, they should brush their teeth after eating candy, or that they should use sun block if they are out in the sun.  I am pretty sure that if you have a trampoline you should secure it and closely monitor its use. 

The problem is that if special interest groups don't get outright bans on these things they still raise the cost of them to all of us through lawsuits and threats of lawsuits.  Disney is going to shell out piles of money for the Baby Einstein DVD buybacks and for lawyers to help avoid future lawsuits.  To recoup that cash they are just going to jack up the price of something else like other DVDs or theme park tickets. Why did they have to threaten to sue Disney until they got money?  Yes the consumer is getting the $15.99 per DVD but how much did Disney shell out to the group and their lawyers? Disney had agreed to remove education claims from the DVDs.  Many of these educational claims were already on the DVDs when Disney bought the company so why not sue the creator?

Go ahead though keep suing until there are no shows produced at all for kids and they have to watch re-runs of H.R. Puff and Stuff on Hulu.  Now that was some quality educational programming for children.

Imagine now if the anti-vaccine groups got polio and measles shots banned.  Or what if they just got the vaccine producers to refund money to every child who had a vaccine in the last five years?  How much vaccine are they going to produce next year?

Guess what kills more kids under age 15, a gun in the home or the toilet. Yes more kids under age 15 drown in the toilet than are killed by accidental firearms discharges in the home.  The swimming pool kills about four times as many or more. 

Have you ever tried donating used toys to charity lately?  Good luck if you do.  If you find a charity that takes used toys let me know.  Too many charities are afraid of lead paint or toys that have been recalled. 

Playgrounds are becoming scarce in some towns.  Remember merry go rounds and see saws?  There used to be a wonderful pressure treated wooden play ground in a small town here on the Cape but one day a kid got a splinter and well that was it for the playground.  I would have just given the complainers a pair of tweezers but instead we all lost the playground.   

The role of these groups in our society is to inform us not protect us.  It is our role as parents to protect our families.  To do this we must use all the information we can get about any subject.  But it is up to us what to do with that information.  As for me I will still let my kids get vaccines, watch DVDs, jump on the trampoline, eat at McDonalds, go out in the sun sometimes without sun block, and go to the playground. 

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