Mr. Mom I am not

Amanda Knox and Her Parents

American student Amanda Knox was convicted of murder in Italy this week and sentenced to 26 years in prison for the murder of her flat mate, Meredith Kercher in Perugia Italy.  I can’t begin to imagine the anguish and helplessness both sets of parents must be feeling.  When our children our young we are their protectors.  We do everything in our power to keep them from harm, physical, emotional, and mental.  We start from day one making sure we have the right car seats and cribs.  We run around like crazy baby proofing the house plugging up electrical sockets moving breakable items from baby’s reach  and removing any traces of adult habitation.  When they start school we wait with them for the bus to keep them safe from the predators we read about in the newspaper.  We go to parent teacher conferences and chew our lip when they take an especially hard hit on the gridiron.

As they get older we check out their friends, spy on their Facebook pages and maybe even snoop around their bedrooms when they are out.  We wouldn’t dream of letting them drive the junk box cars we had as kids and if they ever would kill them for doing half the stuff we did in high school.

We try to reinforce values and decency by bringing them to church, Boy Scouts,  and summer camp.  We try to have dinner together and spend quality time with them as they get older to remind them that they always have someone they can turn to when they need to. We do everything we can to nurture our kids and help them grow up to be caring, productive members of society and to live a long healthy life.  

But what happens when all we have done is shattered in an instant.  How do we react to the phone call in the middle of the night?  Maybe it’s the call telling us our child is gone. Or maybe it is the one telling us our child has committed a terrible crime.  How do we deal with the news that hits us like a sledgehammer and changes so many lives in an instant?    Do we blame ourselves?  I am sure we must to some degree.  How much time do we spend thinking about the  what ifs?  And how many sleepless nights do we spend anguishing over what else we could have done? Do we think why couldn’t we have been there to protect her. Or why couldn’t I have been there to stop her.

The parent’s pain must be far greater than the child’s.  The child who is gone pain has ended.  The parents have just begun.  The parents of a child who may be going to jail will suffer a sentence far crueler than the sentence the child suffers.  The pain and anguish for both parents must be incredible. A parent’s kids are always his children and one must always feel like they must protect them.

But a child is not a child forever.  As much as we may want to always be able to take our little one upon our lap and hold her close protecting her from the world we can’t.  Kids grow up and turn into adults. Most adults are good, all make mistakes.  Some mistakes seem terrible when the happen but fade away over time. Some mistakes change a lot of lives forever.  Sometimes people end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and there is nothing we can do to change that.

Still a parent’s pain probably never fades. Hopefully it dulls somewhat but I am sure it is always there everyday day after day.  Amanda Knox was convicted of a vicious murder and deserves to spend the rest of her life in jail.

Meredith Kercher ‘s parents will never see their daughter again. They will never hear her voice or her laughter or never be able to have her sit on their laps and protect her from the world again. Their grief must be immeasurable.

Amanda Knox’s parents are in pain too.  They will see their daughter but they will have to see her waste away behind bars maybe never getting out before  they pass away themselves.

My prayers and thoughts go out to both of them. 

Nothing to be Thankful For at Thanksgiving???

Just before thanksgiving I read not one but two newspaper editorials claiming that many Americans had nothing to be thankful for this year.  Perhaps my memory is fuzzy but I don't recall newspapers ever writing that people had nothing to be thankful for. 

I realize that many people are unemployed, underemployed or working two jobs to make ends meet. Others are losing their homes.  Some are worried about "health care" or how to pay health care bills.  But I find it hard to believe that they have nothing to be thankful for. 

Thanksgiving is not a time to despair over what we do not have or what we have lost but a time to be grateful for what we still have.  I myself am endlessly grateful for  my wonderful family and especially for my two boys.  I consider myself blessed to be able to be with them everyday.  And I am especially blessed that they are healthy and developing normally.  Thanksgiving weekend we went to the library and saw a family with a young girl in a wheelchair obviously afflicted with cerebral palsy or a similar disease.  At first I said a silent prayer of thanks to God that my children have not been afflicted with such a debilitating disease but than I looked at the family and realized how happy they were. I would bet if I asked them they would be thankful just to enjoy another day with their daughter.  I realized than too that I had been lucky this year.  As my father lay dying in the hospital we were able to spend a last few hours together.  His passing was a surprise to us. I had interviewed for a job in South Florida just a few weeks earlier. I did not get the job and was a little depressed over that, but if I had been hired I would have been in training and when we realized how close to passing he was I would not have made it home in time to see him before he was gone.

Following Thanksgiving is the Advent season. A season of renewal as we await the birthday of Jesus.  It is a time to put the past to bed and to look forward to the future.  So it is fitting that it follows Thanksgiving and precedes New Years Day.  I know this year I have a few events I want to put behind me.  And I have a lot of things I want to be thankful for, and a few things to move on to next year.

Church and Kids

To many of us, church is an important part of our children's upbringing.  Those of us who take our children to church and religious education have many reasons for doing so.  But regardless of denomination there is one thing most of us expect them to learn. That is how to live a moral life.  By moral life I mean to follow the teachings and rules of the church and the rules of society.  We expect them to learn to hold themselves to the standards of their religion even when no one else expects them to.  Church will help us teach them to respect themselves and others, be charitable, and work hard.  We know church will teach them that they have a place to turn when things get tough for spiritual and moral guidance.  Not only do we want them to know that they must be there for God by following his teachings but that God is there for them when they need help.   We hope that weekly attendance at church will give them strength and courage to resist the temptations of vice and peer pressure and lift their spirits when things go wrong.

Of course there are those out there who think that children don't need to go to church to learn how to be charitable or moral.  And often they are correct.  Many people learn to live this way without ever attending church, or even believing in God.  And many parents raise non-religious children who live a more moral life than many of their church going counterparts.  Wherever they get their moral and spiritual compass from it works for them.

There are some however who condemn church as evil itself.  Many people think that religion is the root of many problems and will point to the actions of cults, unethical television preachers, radical Muslims, religious strife in Northern Ireland and other places as evidence of religion's bad influence on educated society. They love to talk about death from religious strife but the communists have made the deaths from religious strife look like a drop in the bucket. They love to talk about the estimated 600 catholic priests who have been accused of sexual abuse that took place over the last 40 or so years as a reason church is evil But according to the NY Post in NYC public schools one child is sexually abused by a school employee each day. And schools aren't evil. Then of course there is Bristol Palin, daughter of a famously religious politician. But she was not the only teen girl to get pregnant that year. She had the company of about 1 million others many of whom did not attend church

Of course one of the great things we teach our children about religion is the acceptance of human frailty and God's forgiveness.  They have to know that they are not perfect and that God doesn't expect them to be so.  They also learn that God will always be there for them no matter how far from his teachings they may stray.

It can be a battle, taking kids to church.  Of course it takes time away from other activities such as sports and friends.  Parents themselves may have there doubts about their religion or even God.  Problems with the church, such as the aforementioned sexual abuse, may cause parents to leave the church for a period.  Parents may wonder if church is actually doing the kids any good or if they can just teach them morality and ethics with out any religious reinforcement.  Parents and children both may just wonder is church really worth it.

There are several studies out that affirm that church is important. For children, regular attendance at church is associated with less drug and alcohol abuse, less sexual promiscuity, a greater feeling of self worth, less depression, lower rates of crime and violence, and even better grades.  Some studies suggested that Children who attend church have better driving records, are less likely to smoke and get along better with their parents.  A few studies concluded that it was even more important for children in disadvantaged families than in more socially or economically stable families.

Some studies have shown that it is just as important for mothers to attend church too, for the same reasons as for their children.  The studies claim that church helps mothers cope with the demands of parenting and helps them balance their lives with that of their children.

Most importantly the studies have shown that although belief in God or prayer without regular church attendance benefits children, regular attendance at church that produces better results.

The studies and reports I used to write this posting were all from secular sources, mostly colleges but also from other organizations.  In order to curb bias I eliminated all studies, reports, and papers from churches and religious groups. I think churches may have a vested interest in proving benefits for attendance.

I read one report attempting to disprove these findings.  This report was from an atheist organization which may make it biased in its findings too.  An atheist organization would have more interest in disproving these findings than a religious organization would have in proving them.  If church attendance is found to be beneficial for children how could atheists justify keeping kids from going?  Better for them to say church has no benefits.

Of course even those of us who go through periods of doubt about church know how important it is to bring our kids every week.  We don't need studies or statistics to understand what they are taught there is will help guide most of them down the right path for the rest of their lives.

Single Parents part 2

Wow, you would have thought in my last post I called the Virgin Mary a tramp. Actually if I had I probably would have gotten fewer comments.  Apparently readers think that I attacked a group of people more sanctified than the Virgin, single moms.  Funny that I only mentioned single mothers once in the blog "Of course many single parent homes are superior to many two parent homes and we all know someone who has done a great job raising kids on her (usually it is a women) own."  Oh how vicious how could I ever live with myself after saying such a thing?

I did however attack adults who are not responsible for their children.  "The biggest issue is that the adults in these situations cant seem to understand that once you have kids your world is no longer about yourself.  That means you must commit to a secure relationship soon after you have made the decision to have kids.  You must stay away from personal gratification that can damage that relationship too". Notice how I don't say woman.  Oddly enough I thought that most people understood that two people are responsible for making babies.  Both the father and mother of the child need to heed this statement. Want to go drinking every night? Do you like catting around, doing drugs, spending your kids lunch money on a new video game? Well grow up there is somebody there more important than you.  Not getting married or getting divorced just because everything isn't going your way is no longer an option.  Don't get along with your partner? Than find out why and try to fix it. If more fathers became responsible adults after fathering a child we wouldn't have so many single mothers.

Of course one terrible truth is that women have the ultimate choice over sex.  Men may or may not become more responsible but women still hold the trump card for sex.  Remember, women are usually the ones left "holding the bag" or baby if they get pregnant.  Right or wrong doesn't really matter does it.  The if men got pregnant argument fails here because, well it just aint gonna happen.  Ask Sarah Palin if she is happy that her daughter was having sex.  Although I do think that Levi is fourtuneate that she is so famous otherwise the "first dude" may have taken him out in the woods for some back country snow-mobiling. And Bristol has a well to do support network.  How would things go if mom and dad only earned 40 or 50 grand.

The day after I wrote Single Parents Part 1 I was reading SOCO magazine (Nov. page 30), a magazine about the south coast of Massachusetts. I actually was reading about Thanksgiving.  However there also happened to be an article about homelessness in the New Bedford area. When the director of a shelter in New Bedford was asked who most of her clients were she replied single women with children under six.  So this is good for the kids?  Do you really think these kids are going to go to pre-school?  Where are the fathers? Oh let me guess they left for the good of the family so the mother could get housing.  Yeah right.

Now we get to see the media trotting out the latest P.O.S. to spread his seed, the aforementioned Levi Johnston.  Father a kid at 17 and get to go on MTV.  Nice message.  We already ignore Tom Brady's little oops so we can keep his hero status.  Shouldn't we shame these guys more? Maybe some young boy would think twice on the night he forgot his school supplied condom before heading to the back of the family mini-van.

Also this week we get a new report from the USDA that says that food insecurity is on the rise in the US. That doesn't mean your dinner is having an identity crisis that is political newspeak for more people are hungry. Guess what group leads the list? Single women with kids, followed by single fathers with kids are the hungriest (or have the least food security). Married couples with children had the lowest rate for households with children.  Households with a parent, children and some other adult fell in between. Single parenthood is not a product of poverty so much as poverty is often a result of single parenthood.    If you are hungry do you do well in school?

Should it really strike me as odd that all of the kids in my sons preschool have two parents? It should be odd if it was otherwise.  Of course there will always be single parents.  Women get pregnant out of wed-lock even if they are "being careful".  Although the US divorce rate is double most other countries people often get divorced for darn good reasons. And of course many divorced couples amenably share parenting.

Still, as I stated before, what is going to be interesting to me is when my sons go off to kindergarten and first grade and they are in classes with students from single parent homes.  Will the kids from my sons pre-school be ahead of the kids in the class from single parent homes? 

Single Parents part 1

I was looking through the parent-student directory for my son's preschool the other day and I noticed something that seemed odd to me.  Well, actually it shouldn't have seemed odd all and at one time in our history normal, but not anymore.  Oddly enough, the thing that seemed so odd is that all but one of the children that attend his school (all classes not just his) has two parents.

At one point in our history it was normal to get married and then have children.  It was normal not to divorce and it was normal to be ashamed of getting pregnant out of wedlock.  Why? We knew that it is difficult and expensive to raise children in single parent homes. That is why they used to have children and widows funds.  In a two parent home the kids have the influence of two adults who love them at almost all times.  Parents can decide to have one stay home with the children for some portion of their early lives, saving on day care costs, or work opposite shifts so one is always home.  Even when one spouse travels for work the other knows she or he will get some help soon.  The children too know that the other parent will be there soon.  And the children recognize that each parent has a role in their lives. The parents can decide what that is. A single parent has to be everything to the children and earn the income.  Of course many single parent homes are superior to many two parent homes and we all know someone who has done a great job raising kids on her (usually it is a women) own.

However the statistics on single parent households are frightening.  At some point in their young lives at least 50% of all children in the US will live in a single parent home.  At any given time 30% of all US children are living in single parent homes.  The effects of raising children in single parent homes can be devastating.  Children from single parent homes have a significantly greater tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol, engage in sexual activity at a young age, drop out of school, perform poorly in school, commit crimes, and so forth.  As a matter of fact in many of these categories if we eliminated single parent households the rates of these activities would drop by 70% or more.  That is 70% fewer kids dropping out of school or committing crimes.

It is easy to see the opposite effects of the two parent households on the kids in my son's school. The children are learning to read and write, do simple mathematics, learn history, and all seem to be well socially adjusted.  These kids will be more than ready for school when they start kindergarten within the next few years.  Statistics show that if these kids remain in two parent homes they will do well in school and avoid problems with drugs, alcohol, sex, and will do better after school in either going on to college or work.

There is nothing different about these families at my son's school other than they have made a commitment to family.  Many of the kids have one parent home most of the day.  That's it that is all that is different.  I am sure some parents read to their kids and practice writing and some may just plunk them in front of television.  But it doesn't matter.  For some reason kids from two parent homes do better than kids from single parent homes.

There are many reasons for single parent families.  And of course everyone can point to a great single parent family were the children are doing just fine.  Don't forget even if as many as 70% of children from single parent families have some sort of problem 30% don't.  Yes I know that kids from single parent homes can even become President.

And many single family situations are temporary, which is to say parents re-marry (or marry in a sort of backwards chain of events).

The biggest issue is that the adults in these situations cant seem to understand that once you have kids your world is no longer about yourself.  That means you must commit to a secure relationship soon after you have made the decision to have kids.  You must stay away from personal gratification that can damage that relationship too. Excessive drinking, drugs, casual sex, spending food money on a video game, skipping work to watch a baseball game are all activities for the childless.  Of course you shouldn't stay in a relationship where one partner is acting like this or is abusive but you can't just quit right away either.

What is going to be interesting to me is when my sons go off to kindergarten and first grade and they are in classes with students from single parent homes.  Will the kids from my sons pre-school be ahead of the kids in the class from single parent homes?