The Phantom Cyclist

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 13

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Electro-magnetic Rotary, Harwich.

Harwich is known for being in the forefront of technology here on Cape Cod. It has an Internet Café, the Library is set up for Wi-Fi, the Thrift Shop has a web site - and many stores have electronic cash registers. Even the church carillon is electronic.

This year, Harwich is introducing something a bit radical for visitors to the Cape Cod Bike Trails. It's called the Electro-magnetic Rotary. A strong magnetic force-field generator has been installed at the bike rotary to help regulate traffic, so there is no congestion on the bike paths during the high season in summer.

You will notice a gray steel cylinder in the photo above. This houses the specially developed magnetic force-field generator that is responsible for creating the computerized field. It is patterned after the "Bubblejet" memory Canon printers use; but it has bigger, more powerful bubbles.

Let me explain how it works. The generator, which is fitted with motion sensors, detects the level of traffic: light, medium, heavy. Usually, during periods when bike traffic is light, the force-field is in sleep or standby mode. When traffic increases to medium, a warning light goes on to notify cyclists that they should be aware of changes about to occur. When bike traffic is heavy, the force-field generator kicks into high gear and sets up an electro-magnetic field that governs and re-directs traffic in a matter of nano-seconds.

Okay, now that you've got a mental picture of the force-field, let's see how this works in actual practice - with cyclists about to enter the rotary - or who are already in it.

When the rotary and/or its corresponding paths become overloaded with cyclists, the electro-magnetic generator encloses it with an invisible force-field that automatically puts up an electronic wall to hold approaching cyclists at bay. Those already in the force-field are whisked around in the rotary at a swift pace to their intended trajectory - off to either, Brewster/Orleans/Wellfleet; Harwich Center/Chatham; or to the trailhead in Dennis.

Cyclists must keep their eyes on their respective exits, which are fitted with roundish red/yellow/green warning lights. A red light means 'continue around the rotary until the light turns green.' A yellow light means 'proceed with caution through your exit, because there may be other bikes in the way.' A green light means 'put the pedal to the metal and zip through the exit to your appointed destination.'

Several glitches have already occurred since the beginning of the cycling season, but the Harwich Town Department has been diligently working to correct them. One glitch revealed that the force-field settings still needed tweaking. The generator had a habit of sucking change and other items out of cyclist's 'fanny packs' and pockets. Two gold fillings, 3 sets of dentures, 2 bras with metal snaps, and 4 hearing aids were also discovered in the generator's 'catch-all' bin. Fifteen watches have made their way into the generator housing; 7 of which have proven to be fake Rolexes. Hopefully, this will be sorted out soon. Any unclaimed watches or change will be donated to local charities.

Harwich town employees have been testing the rotary for several weeks and there are still a few kinks to be worked out. On one occasion, the field switch was accidentally set at 'Warp Speed 5'. Several employees were zipped around like a centrifuge and became airborne. Thankfully, none of them were catapulted into the trees or bushes because of the height of the force-field. They complained only of a mild dizziness and were sent home to recuperate. A 'locking gate' now covers the 'Warp Speed' area of the switch board.

On another occasion, the force-field computer operator went off-duty early and 23 town employees were forced to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening locked in the force-field after the Windows Vista operating system coaxed itself into limbo. When the employees were discovered asleep on the job in the morning, they were docked a day's pay. After protesting this action and hiring a lawyer from the ACLU, their pay was re-instated. Hopefully, this incident will be expunged from their job performance reviews.

By the time you read this article, the force-field should be working "pretty close to perfection," as one unnamed town employe said. The Windows Vista software of the initial system kept closing, or failing to close when prompted - and turned the force-field into a blue screen on 6 different occasions. The "Runtime Error!" message appeared so frequently that it soon became an old friend.

The Windows Vista software is still experiencing some 'interference' problems with people wearing body jewelry in the rotary, which has caused some very embarrassing moments for cyclists when their jewelry starts transmitting Cape Cod radio stations. Men are asked to refrain from touching the dials when this happens.

Breast implants also pose a problem, as the force-field tends to enlarge them, creating semi-lethal weapons which have acted like ping-pong paddles, knocking cyclists off their bikes and injuring some small dogs. Beta copies of Windows 7, (The full version is due out in the Fall), seem to have corrected most of these problems.

The rumor of a chihuahua being sucked into the generator, published in the Harwich Oracle, (and later picked up by The National Inquirer, Reuters and the Associated Press) has proven to be false. He was only chasing a ball thrown by his owner and bounded into the opening on his own. He was retrieved after 3 hours by the town fire/ rescue department using a pack of "Snausages" to lure him out - and appeared to be unharmed. According to a local witness, "He was one lucky pup."

To date, nobody has been lost in the vortex and no pets have been permanently harmed. "And that's a good thing," as Martha Stewart would say. Let's hope the season stays error-free.

If you would like to learn more about the electro-magnetic force-field rotary traffic governor, (EMFFRT-G for short) you can write to the Harwich Town Hall. They will be happy to send you a free brochure describing how it works, and what you should do about missing watches and loose change, etc. Ask for brochure HAR-EMFFRT-G1. Please enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Use the contact information below.

Harwich Town Hall
732 Main St.,
Harwich Center, MA 02645
PH: (508) 430-7514 FAX: (508) 432-5039
Hours: Mon: 8:30AM - 8PM, Tue - Thu: 8:30AM - 4PM, Fri: 8:30AM - 12PM

PLEASE NOTE: Use Caution! If you wear a hearing aid, implants, a pacemaker or dentures, do not enter the rotary when the force-field is engaged. There are signs posted, so please be aware of them. It is suggest that if you carry a small dog, please make sure they are strapped into their baskets. Also, if you have large hooters, please make sure they are strapped in, too.

-- The Phantom Cyclist

4 comments »

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 12

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

 The Madonna and Jesus on a Bicycle.

(a slightly outrageous tale).

If you are easily offended by any stories based on religious experiences…please read no farther. I repeat: If you are easily offended by any stories based on religious experiences…please read no farther. PLEASE LEAVE NOW!

I wish not to offend anyone - but only to report an event, which may be thought of as a religious experience. It deals with an apparition, which, if proven true, could tie up a part of the bike trail with traffic congestion worse than Boston on a Monday morning.

Things like this I don't take lightly. I am a very spiritual person. At one time I had given thought to entering the ministry - but the door was locked - and the poor box had already been emptied - so, I gave up the idea. (ba-da-boom! Triple rimshot). I say this knowing that the Big "G" has a mighty good sense of humor. Although, the Archdiocise of Boston may not.

It all began early one Sunday morning, when my cell phone awoke me out of a very peaceful sleep, dreaming of certain politicians being water-boarded. (If I only offend 28% of my readers here, that's okay. My accountant says 72% will approve.)

Back to my story. On the other end of this early morning chin-wag was my old friend and fellow cyclist, Ron Moronski. He was having a fit, while trying to sputter out the words, "Ma-Ma-d-dd-onna and J-J-Jesus Onnna B-b-biiii-cycle. "Okay Ron" I said, "take a deep breath, then speak again slooooowly."

Ron spilled the beans as calmly as he could. and instead of speaking in his stuttering dialect - which could become quite tedious - I'll relate what he said. Ron had just entered the underpass beneath route 6 in Eastham, when his eye caught sight of a darkish sort of stain on one of the upperish tiles lining the underpass. He stopped his bike, turned to face the stain - and almost passed out when he viewed the image, which, he said, "Looked exactly like the Madonna, on a bicycle, toting the baby Jesus in a toddler's seat." I thought Ron had gone around the bend - or fallen off his tricycle. He pleaded with me to come up and see the apparition.

Not wanting to discourage a friend, who was obviously in a state of high religious excitement, I said, "Let me get dressed and I'll be there in about an hour. Do you have your camera with you?" Ron answered in the negative, further stating that he couldn't find any film for his digital camera. I knew this to be a lie, because Joblot has it - and Ron always shops there. "Okay," I said, "I'll bring mine."

I showered, shaved, dressed in my Sunday best (remembering that if I was going to be in the presence of Mary and Jesus I'd better look neat and tidy), then put my bike on the car rack and drove Northward. Recalling that the closest parking lot was just across the way from the underpass, I headed there to save time. Then I got on my bicycle and pedaled the short distance to the underpass, where Ron was sitting in tears.

"They're gone," Ron said, fighting back another burst of tears. I looked up at the tiles, and sure enough, they were clean as a whistle. Then the thought struck me, ' I wonder why the Madonna, et al, were always appearing in places like thruway underpasses, or on toasted cheese sandwiches (like the one on eBay) - and not some grandiose place - like the White House.' Could they have a bad booking agent? Then I quickly remembered the whole thing about separation of church and state - and that put things in perspective.

I comforted Ron, telling him that perhaps they had pedaled off for a brunch or ice cream break - and would return shortly. Ron seemed a little calmer now, and consoled himself with a mouthful of his "Righteous Path" trail mix. And then ----something strange and wonderful happened. As the Sunday morning, "going home from church crowd" began to pass overhead, THE VISION REAPPEARED! I saw it with my own eyes - as did Ron! We both broke into tears of joy and felt quite spiritually elevated.

I raised my camera to capture the image, then, suddenly my heart sank. Gosh darn! Cheese and Crackers -- Got all Muddy! I forgot the film for my digital camera, too. But, I know what I saw. And now I'm a believer. I could not make out what brand of bicycle it was, but, if I finally do at some point, I'll contact the manufacturer and make a mint off of them for the photo.

Could this apparition be a harbinger of things to come? A yearly visit from Jesus and his mom to bless the bike trails? I certainly hope so. It would be nice to have faith in something good in this day and age.

It makes you wonder.

NOTE: Perhaps the Rail Trail association will start an "Adopt the Cycling Madonna and Son" theme and residents can keep the area neat and tidy for all the visitors. You may want to query the 'keepers of the trail' at Nickerson State Park -- or someone influential in the town of Eastham.

Nickerson State Park
3488 Main Street, Brewster, MA 02631
Phone (508) 896-3491
Toll-Free (877) 422-6762

Town of Eastham
2500 State Hwy
Eastham, MA 02642
PH: 508.240.5900
Hours: 8AM - 4PM, Mon - Fri.

--- The Phantom Cyclist

7 comments »

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 11

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Leaning Tower of Phoneza, Chatham.

Welcome to Chatham's other famous vertical icon (besides the Lighthouse, Bernard Cornwell and Johnny Depp).

To the casual observer, this may look like just an ordinary telephone pole. But I assure you that it is not. The object in view was once a sturdy 12-foot in diameter observation tower for the Chatham fishing fleet that was (due to the impatience of the Town Board) constructed in 1894 of fresh, undried, fuhnoogie wood.

It shrank a full 8 feet the first year, eventually trapping a fleet observer and his stenographer for several hours before they were pryed loose by a crew from the local life-saving station. In 1896 it shrank another 2.25 feet and was closed due to the impossibility of climbing the spiral staircase - which had melded itself into an impenetrable mass. Despite these mishaps, the tower stood perfectly straight - at least for a couple of years after it's shrinking marathon.

In 1899, several valiant efforts were made to "poof out" the Tower to its original diameter, and I must admit that some of the solutions were quite ingenious. The most promising one put forth the idea of holding a "Telephone Booth" stuffing contest, wherein, 300 of the stoutest Chatham fishermen would try to insinuate themselves - one-by-one - into a small breach in the Tower. They concluded that once they were all inside they would breathe deeply in unison and the Tower would expand back to its original size.

This all might have gone well, had not a prankish child slipped a rotting pilchard into the trowser pocket of one of the fisherman. And, unfortunately, this fisherman was the first to hit the breach. He got in safely without too much struggle, then fishermen 2,3,4 and 5 managed to stuff themselves in behind him. The interior air was in short supply to begin with - and by the time fisherman number 6 had joined the fray, the smell of rotting pilchard had begun to overcome them all. One-by-one they temporarily lost consciousness and oozed out of the breach in the Tower - in the opposite of the order they had wiggled in.

Brought to consciousness by seamen's smelling salts (Rum), the fishermen all decided that the venture was too dangerous and gave up the attempt. Thankfully, each of them recovered quickly and lived to a ripe old age, often telling their grandchildren about their fascinating exploit to save the Tower. I frequently wonder why the town of Chatham has never placed a plaque here mentioning this valiant restoration attempt.

The other efforts, although interesting in their thought process, were really too feeble when compared to the "Telephone Booth" method - so I will spare the reader and not mention them.

The Tower stood defiantly in place with no prospects of regaining its previous size or stature. Then, in 1901, the elements took over. Its foundation was loosened by the notorious Chatham fog that we all know so well. And the Tower began to warp out of plumb; perhaps the result of its trying to twist off the foundation and move to neighborhood with less fog. This sounds plausible, but you should check with the town historian about it.

For 2 decades afterward, the Tower fell into disrepair. Strong winds had stripped its shutters and torn off its shingles. Its chimney crumbled, vines covered its surface and it was completely lost from view. Until one evening in 1921. A sailor on shore leave and his lady were leaning up against the vines, engaged in a passionate kiss, when a long-forgotten log book, high up in the Tower, suddenly declared its independence and came crashing down on their heads.

The next day they took their find to the Chatham Historical Society, who verified that the log book was from the long lost Tower - and they immediately formed a group to remove the vines and expose the Tower to the public view again.

Caught up in a post-WW1 swirl of renewed patriotism and sense of history, another group was formed to freshen up the Tower. Its surface was painted with a protective coat of creosote and flowers were planted at its base. That same year, it was voted to make the Tower a special focal point of local pride and it was suggested that the Tower be the center of a yearly celebration in Chatham. May 1st was chosen because the 4th of July already had its fireworks, Easter had its egg roll down the library lawn, and 'Tickle the Town Drunk' day had a peripatetic schedule (usually by word of mouth) that couldn't be pinned down.

The local telephone company made a generous offer to attach wires to steady the Tower and keep if from falling over in a strong wind. This was readily accepted. The wires are still visible in the accompanying photo. To give the Tower some "international cache" and also refer to the generosity of the phone company, it was renamed The Leaning Tower of Phoneza.

The Tower is well worth visiting any time of year, but May 1st (and for about a week afterward) is really the best time. Every year on that day local children stage a Maypole celebration, each taking hold of a colored ribbon attached to the top of the Tower and riding their bikes in unison to wind a multi-colored stripe around it.

During the early years of this ritual, the children rode in 2 coincentric circles going in opposite directions. This proved to be quite unwieldy for some. But, when it was done right, the Tower displayed colorful corn rows instead of the less eye-catching multi-colored flat stripes. To lessen the number of colliding cyclists, who often suffered scraped knees, this practice was given up - and the single-circle, one direction route was established as the norm in 1967.

Today, visitors from around the world come to picnic beneath the Tower and have their picture taken by a local photographer with an old bellows camera, who also supplies period attire for those willing to "dress the part."

Further inquiries about the Tower can be addressed to:

Chatham Historical Society
347 Stage Harbor Rd.
P.O. Box 381
Chatham, MA 02633
p. (508) 945-2493
f. (508) 945-1205
e-mail. chathamhistoricalsociety@verizon.net

-- The Phantom Cyclist

2 comments »

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 10

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Wedding Cake Factory, Sandwich.

Before I tell you the story of the Wedding Cake Factory, I would be remiss if I didn't include something about the original tenant of the building - the Mama Nickerson's Vulcanized Cod Fish Ball Company. It was founded by three local fishermen, members of a respected old Cape Cod family, just returned from WWII. They revamped a 'secret' breading compound, originally developed by them and applied to flak jackets, which greatly improved their protective qualities.

This "bread of life" compound gave the cod fish balls an extraordinary chewy texture. It proved to be a Godsend for local residents, because of food shortages and rationing called for by the Government, which were still in effect. People could pop one or two of these 'springy' delights into their mouth - and get more chewing satisfaction than they would from a complete meal with side orders of potatoes and vegetables. They were soon on the school lunch program, where they saved thousands of dollars each year. Dentists even began to recommended them for preventing cavities - without having to ingest large quantities of dangerous fluoride.

For half a generation, the building sported the famous advertising slogan, "Mama Nickerson's Vulcanized Cod Fish Balls - Mmmmm, Chewy!" It became a local tradition, when passing by the factory, to make visible chewing motions, rub one's tummy and say, "Mmmmm, Chewy!"

The company bounced along very nicely - even through the Korean war years - until, in 1960, a bid was tendered by the Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company.  At first, the offer was turned down, but Goodyear then promised the owners that they could continue to run the plant and keep all the employees. Shortly after the deal was signed, Goodyear fired everyone and set up new machinery in the factory, where they proceeded to manufacture basketballs and golf balls - using the patented 'secret' breaded coating.  After 1 year the factory machinery was moved to Ohio and the building left vacant.

Today, both the NBA and ABA use basketballs manufactured with the original Mama Nickerson's coating. They are emblazoned with the phrases, "Bounce this!", "Bounce What?" and "Yo Mama!" The golf balls, with the quaint, fishy sounding name of Super Max-Fry, were outlawed by the PGA in 2004 - but are still allowed in use on non-PGA courses and in some Country Club tournaments.

The Nickerson brothers, feeling very let down by the corporate 'fibbing', decided to approach entrepreneurship once again. Their first idea of Frozen Cod on a Stick - a treat developed for the summer tourist crowd - fell flat as a flounder. But their next idea was an absolute gem! Using their collective minds they developed what has become famous around the world: The Oyster-Stuffed wedding cake.

To convey the happy and festive spirit of a wedding, the outside of the factory building was painted to resemble a wedding cake surrounded by oysters. Cartoon balloons were drawn overhead and filled with cheeky phrases like: "I'll be waiting in the bed for you," "Honey, we're going to have a little oyster," "I love it when you irritate me!"…and the like.

The client list read like a "Who's Who" of celebrities: From Jacky Gleason and Jackie Kennedy Onasis (ordered twice), to Mick Jagger, Johnny Carson, Grace Kelly, Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, Dr. Timothy Leary (with the first and only LSD laced oyster cake) Brad Pitt, Gwenyth Paltrow, Cate Blanchett, Johnny Depp - and many others too numerous to mention in an article of this size.

The biggest repeat customer was Elizabeth Taylor, followed by Zsa Zsa Gabor in a closely contested race. Some Hollywood historians say they both acquired and shed husbands at a fanatical pace - just to have another 'go' at these wonderful wedding cakes.

Today, the Wedding Cake Factory sits idle; the victim of too many back-to-back seasons of red tide, coupled with unfair international fishing rules. Its once happily painted exterior has been given a coat of sky blue and gray, signifying more of a weather condition than a place that once dispensed joy to newly married couples.

Perhaps, one day when the 'powers that be' remember who they are sworn to represent, the fishing rules will change for the better - and the Wedding Cake Factory will spring to life again - manufacturing their mouth-watering, libido-enhancing treats for all newlyweds and their wedding guests to enjoy.

 -- The Phantom Cyclist

1 comment »

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 9

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Brewster Star Gate.

Star Gate Schmar Gate. I know what you're thinking: "They're all the same." Not so, thank you very much.   This one is completely different from any Star Gate you've seen on TV or in the Movies - or read about in a book. Different, even, from any one you might have traveled through yourself.

The Star Gate in Brewster, on the Cape Cod Rail Trail, automatically cleans your clothes, brightens your teeth, cancels all outstanding parking tickets, gets you season tickets to the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins games, gives you 3 free nights at the Chatham Bars Inn - plus a free dinner for two couples at Chillingsworth's, puts a new Ferrari in your garage, adds $10,000 to your off-shore bank account, lowers your cholesterol, gives you six-pack abs, firms up your buttocks, loses that 10 pounds you wanted to drop, and makes you completely invisible to the IRS -- all in one swift "ZOOOORRRRKK!" *

Sounds truly magnificent, doesn't it? I'm not making this up. I did it myself and I'll vouch for its authenticity. As an added benefit, there are no 'alien struggle' after-effects like other Star Gates can leave you with.

But, you have to know the secret of traveling through it to get the full effect - or you will just come out on the other side the same way you went in. The first step is to give up all diet drinks. The artificial sweeteners act as a diuretic and will have you stopping along the trails more often than you'd like. This is important, because you have to hit the Star Gate at exactly 10:01 a.m. (that's when it opens for all adventurers and there are only 59 seconds for everyone to bike through). Along with that, there can be no traces of drugs or alcohol (perscription or recreational) in your system. Once you've determined that your system is free and clear, you're ready to proceed.

Remember, that the Brewster Star Gate experience is on a first come first served basis. Line up quietly in the order you arrive, and be considerate of the other Star Gate adventurers. As soon as the Star Gate begins flashing in cosmic green it's time to proceed.

When it's your turn, pedal through at a moderate pace. If you go through too slowly, others will think you're greedy. If you go through too fast, you might not get the full effect of cosmic zapping needed to ensure your rewards. Pedal through in the exact center of the Star Gate. When you reach the middle go "Whooooooo…. Whooooooo!" and exit on the other side. Please assume your regular position to the right of the bike trail. All should be well - and your Star Gate benefits will be waiting for you when you arrive home after your Cape Cod vacation.

If, in the unlikely event, you arrive home and do not find your Star Gate benefits waiting for you, this could be for a couple of reasons. 1. Your system was not completely clean. 2. The Brewster Board of Selectmen have gone and decreased the cosmic voltage supply at the Star Gate in order to have the air conditioners running in their offices at a cooler temperature.

If you suspect that your benefits were denied because of the latter reason, you can call, e-mail - or write a letter of protest to the Brewster Board of Selectmen at:

Brewster Town Offices
2198 Main St
Brewster, MA 02631
Phone: (508) 896-3701
Fax: (508) 896-8089
brewster@town.brewster.ma.us

So, if you're looking for some "Star" treatment, get yourself to the Star Gate in Brewster - and be prepared for a most amazing experience.

* If you bike through the Star Gate with a pet, they will receive an amount of prizes equal to their needs in pet life. No Ferraris or things like that, but some really neat stuff nevertheless.
--- The Phantom Cyclist

4 comments »