The Phantom Cyclist

Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 8

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist, Truro.

Every cyclist who comes to Cape Cod should make the pilgrimage - at least once - to the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist in Truro. It has become a fixture of cycling lore since the monument was erected in 1984.

The unknown cyclist was discovered in early spring of 1984 when National Seashore personnel were getting the Head of the Meadow trail ready for the oncoming tourist season. The deceased cyclist, a dapper gentleman, who looked to be in his mid-fifties, had a peaceful smile etched into his face. He was sitting comfortably on a park service bench and his head was pointed toward the dunes. A half sandwich (tuna fish and bananas on whole wheat) was clutched in his right hand.

There have been various speculations as to how and why the cyclist passed on. Some say he saw the ghost of a Pilgrim. Others venture that it was 'the sublime rapture of the dunes' that carried him off. Nobody knows for sure, but everyone is certain that it was not foul play.

His bicycle was sent to the Bicycle Museum of America in New Bremen, Ohio, and the gentleman was given a proper planting at the Truro site with full cycling honors - a 21-bell salute and a toast with mineral water.

The tomb is guarded by a lone cyclist, clad in spandex racing attire and has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1984 - with no exceptions.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our US Senate/House took 2 days off in anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the cyclists assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer saying, "No way, Sir! Even if we were soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist is not just an assignment, it is the highest honor that can be afforded to a cyclist." "And besides," another one of them said, "It's 70 degrees and sunny here in Truro."

The guard, perched on his Smith & Wesson Titanium bicycle, pedals exactly 21 strokes, turns his bicycle around and clicks his bell 21 times, taps his heels on the pavement 21 times - then pedals for another 21 strokes - and repeats the process. This is the highest honor given any American or foreign cyclist who is "past the perpendicular."

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror. Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniform ready for guard duty, plus another 2 hours polishing his bell.

The guard's gloves are moistened to prevent his hands from slipping off the handlebars and causing untold embarrassment. Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. This is done to prevent "bell thumb," an affliction somewhat like carpal tunnel syndrome.

For a person to apply for guard duty at the Tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30''. He must also vow never to own or ride a derailleur bicycle for the rest of his life.

Other requirements of the Guard:

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public or say the word 'Campagnolo' for the rest of their lives - and cannot disgrace the cyclist uniform or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a 'Bicycle within a Wreath' pin that is worn on his lapel, signifying that he served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guards must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin and turn in their bicycle seat and helmet.

The guards shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click on the pavement as they come to a halt.

Their helmets contain a small, but powerful, electronic device which generates 15,000 BTUs of cooling power from a beefed-up computer fan.

In the winter, guards wear spandex uniforms with a space-age thermal outer lining. This tends to make them look like a large baked potato ready for the camp fire. But, the guards look at the plus side: this uniform has a slimming effect at a time when the guards tend to overindulge in snacks to help eliminate the cold and boredom.

Their winter helmets are translucent and use a colored, heated oil, which keeps them comfortable. Although it looks liket they're wearing a lava lamp on their heads, the guards just brush off any chiding from visitors and chalk up the comments to a lack of understanding of thermodynamics on the part ot the chider.

At night, their helmets act as a warning beacon for ships. And although sailors have become confused by the strange and continuous movement of the light -- to date only three ships have run aground in their vicinity. I'd say that's a pretty good track record.

For the first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV. All off-duty time is spent studying how to field strip his bicycle and reassemble it in under 4 minutes.

So, there you have it. Make it a point to witness this relatively quiet and moving spectacle. It will be a memory you'll treasure for the rest of your life.

ETERNAL REST GRANT HIM O LORD,
AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON HIM.

NOTE: Nov 21 , 2008. Due to fiscal restraints and the failure of a budget override in Truro, the guards are no longer patrolling at the tomb. In their place, a bicycle bell has been affixed to a post. Tourists can pay their respects to the 'unknown cyclist' by giving the bell 21 clicks. Monetary contributions are gratefully accepted and may be left in the box attached to the post.

We apologize for any disappointment or inconvenience this may cause you.

~The Truro Board of Selectmen.

--- The Phantom Cyclist

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Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 7

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Bridge of Terror, Falmouth.

This bridge along the Shining Sea Bikeway will always live in my mind as the absolute pinnacle of seafaring terror. It appeared in the long forgotten, low-budget film titled "jaws." And I still shiver when I think about it.

"jaws" is not to be confused with the really big budget JAWS! (spelled in capital letters), written by Peter Benchley - and filmed in 'Munchyvision' by a real Hollywood studio. Although both films were shot on location near Martha's Vineyard, the similarity pretty much ends there.

Peter Benchley's JAWS! is actually based on a series of ferocious shark attacks which occurred along the Noo Joisey shoowah in 1916. How the story got transplanted to MV in the 1970's is a mystery to me, but probably has something to do with MV being a more interesting location in terms of book sales and box office receipts.

The famous bridge the shark attacked on Martha's Vineyard is still there and is worth seeing - although a stone retaining wall (straight out of Architectural Digest) has been built to line the inlet and a string of 'Gray Lady' condos blot out the landscape on both sides. My heart still pines for the JAWS! theme park that was proposed for the site - which was voted down by an undisclosed number of "NIMBY" nay-sayers.

"jaws" (lower case letters) was written, produced and directed by Cape Cod native, Peter Binchley (probably a pseudonym), and was based on a nightmare he had after eating a bad McFish sandwich at a local restaurant. It is a heart-wrenching tale of revenge by a beach toy rubber shark, whose mate was accidently over-inflated by a stressed out beach concessionaire - and exploded.

The movie debuted at the MV film festival and got mixed reviews, which is pretty interesting, since the door to the screening room was 'accidentally' locked so nobody could get in - and could not be opened until the end credits were rolling. A week later, this same mysterious 'happenstance' occurred at the Provincetown film festival and the film garnered similar reviews. Siskel and Ebert, who had received 'advanced' reels, were equally divided on their opinions of the film. But, instead of giving a 'thumbs up' or a 'thumbs down', they both tilted on their chairs and made a 'thumbing motion' toward their posteriors.

The movie starred Cape Repertory actors Richard Dryfiss, Robert Shawn and Roy Schneider. Jackylin Bidet played the marine biologist, ship's cook and female interest of the boat crew. Ralph the Wonder Shark played "Duh…Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah" the revengeful shark; and the movie was shot in 'Super 8' video by Binchley's wife, kids, and several neighbors (who also doubled as extras and shark bait).

Because of the highly graphic nature of the film, 14 inflatable sharks were used before shooting was completed. Many of these were repaired with patches and used over and over again before Writer/Director Binchley felt the scenes were right. You can see these in some of the close-ups. The bridge itself had to be rebuilt 3 times, due to the heavy action it saw with the frenzied rubber shark attacking it. The Binchleys still have half a ton of splintered bridge pieces, which they've advertised on craigslist as 'choice' movie memorabilia --but to no avail.

A hand puppet shark, used as a 'stand in' when the actors and shark were shown talking and negotiating a 'cease-biting', fared much better - as the eyes only had to be re-glued twice.

Since most of you have never seen "jaws", I'll give you a few tidbits of description. The image at the top of this article is actually a 'still' from the original movie and shows the bridge as it was before its first shark-frenzied dismantling. You will notice an ice cream truck to the right. At the risk of divulging too much, I will say that the revengeful rubber shark was addicted to ice cream - and was lured to the bridge using the ice cream truck bell.

A scene showing children running into the water with ice cream cones to entice the shark was deleted at the strong urging of the Motion Picture Board, due to the 'gross-out' nature of the frenzied ice cream spattering scenes. A 'compromise' scene shows actor Richard Dryfiss on the bridge using a fishing rod to lower a child holding an ice cream cone for the shark. The original deleted scene can be viewed in all its horror on a special 'Director's Cut' video, newly remastered and transferred to DVD - available by mail from the Binchleys.

The film was padded with gratuitous 'kissy-face' scenes between Dryfiss, Shawn, and Schneider. Bidet even joined in at one point. The scenes bordered precariously on the line of censorship -- and were included to add a little zip to the ultra-thin plot. The scene where they all order rubber shark in the restaurant is especially entertaining - and almost too comical - as they all make some excruciatingly funny expressions of chewing and other eating indulgences reminiscent of the movie Tom Jones. Thankfully, this scene did make it into the final edit - and helps to carry the picture along.

Scenes where the revengeful shark was swimming after the boat had to be deleted, because the yellow nylon tow-line could not be colored out of the film. Scenes shot with the boat going slower and the shark 'dog paddling' after it, were deemed 'possibly not active enough' -- and eliminated. An early evening 'compromise shot', showing the shark water-skiing, holding the tow rope and executing olympic quality moves, was discarded due to low light conditions. And also because it might not allow for 'suspension of disbelief', so crucial to the success of the film.

Instead, several scenes with the shark standing up on the stern plate and boxing with Dryfiss, Shawn and Schneider were done with much action and bravado and looked fairly authentic in both close-ups and long-shots. The scene where Shawn actually grabs the shark's jaws and puts his own head inside the shark's mouth (grinning all the while) is a real 'audience nail-biter'. There is also a scene where the braless Bidet pulls off her T-shirt and puts it over the shark's head -- hoping to blind it. For various reasons, not explained, this scene was reshot 42 times, while the film crew sold passes and binoculars to onlookers. These scenes were also used in the movie trailer to generate some 'titillating' excitement for prospective viewers (as one of the film's wide-eyed editors put it).

One questionable scene was finally voted in by the Binchley family after their youngest son 'Binky' threatened to hold his breath until his face turned blue. In this scene, the shark has 'taken one on the nose' from the bridge; his face is patted with a towel, the cut patched, and he's given a drink from a squirt 'sports bottle' - before returning to the fray. From all accounts the audiences never questioned this scene. Some even cheered the shark on.

For those of you who missed the MV and Provincetown premiers - or one of the movie's other two showings in the Binchley's garage - the movie does have a happy ending. As the sun sets, we see the revengeful shark "Duh…Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah" swimming out to sea with his newly acquired, perfectly inflated mate; the heartwarming gesture of the kindly, Valium-sated beach concessionaire who unselfishly - and lovingly - corrected his mistake. An alternate ending showing Shawn opening an envelope addressed to him, which contains money sent by the shark to cover the cost of bridge repairs, was deemed too improbable - and wound up on the cutting room floor.

If you pedal along the Shining Sea Bikeway, stop and pay homage to this bridge and the story it played a major part in. A small plaque commemorating the movie and the shark biting events is periodically placed there by Binchley -- and almost immediately removed by the town. Depending on when you're there, you might get a look at it. If you should be lucky enough to be there when the ice cream truck sounds its bell, look around - then yell SHAAAARRRRRRKKKKK!  That will generate untolled excitement - and may earn you a free photo session at the Falmouth Police Department.

-- The Phantom Cyclist

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Wonders of the Cape Cod Bike Trails 6

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Cape Cod Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of Cape Cod not recorded in the works of H. D. Thoreau, Joseph Lincoln, Henry Beston, Mary Higgins Clark, Robert Finch or Robert Crais. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

Bob's Discount Appliances, Eastham.

  Empty the station wagon and make haste to the town dump

Bob's Discount Appliances, located at the back of the Eastham town dump*, has been a bargain hunter's paradise for decades. And, unlike BJ's, Costco or Sam's Club, you don't need to buy a membership. Just walk in. Pick up your treasures. Pay - and head for home with that glint of sheer satisfaction in your eyes. You get great bargains - for a fraction of what it would cost - even at Sears Sale Days, Joblot or Christmas Tree Shops.

I first discovered this hidden gem while riding along the Cape Cod Rail Trail's upper portion. Now into its second generation of ownership, Bob's caters to families on a budget - who know a good bargain.

When I was writing, hosting and producing "Redneck Gardening" for cable TV, I learned a lot of creative ways to re-use everyday household items. And with the treasures waiting to be found at Bob's, I guaranty you there is no end to the variety of uses you can put these old appliances to.

So, what has Bob's Discount Appliances got for you? A better question is: What hasn't Bob's got?

Need a beer or beverage cooler? Try one of Bob's top-loading washers. Just add ice - and voila! You're in like flint! Tired of opening all those cans of Hawaiian Punch for your Summerfest with a puny hand crank or punch type can opener? Just pick up an old Yamaha 185 HP from Bob's 'marine shed', place it in a 55-gallon drum, toss in the cans, fire up the engine - and watch the propeller blade neatly slice the tops and bottoms off instantly! All you have to do is remove the metal pieces - and your ready to make your Summerfest guests as 'Pleased as Punch'.

And, how could I forget those electric can openers. They make great finger and toe-nail trimmers. Be sure to buy several boxes of band-aids, just in case. NOTE: The ASPCA asks that you please don't use these for trimming your pet's claws.

Need a new TV stand? That old front loading washer will do nicely. And when you get tired of flipping channels, you can watch your own reflection in the door glass. "Look Ma!, I'm on TV!" The FLWs also make great tropical fish tanks. The only problem I've encountered so far is in feeding the fish. Whenever you open the door to put in the food, the water - and the fish - escape quite rapidly. Perhaps some creative thinking would solve this problem. But, not being a collector of fish, I'm afraid this is a bit outside my area of expertise.

Used stoves make great TV stands, too. And the doors/drawers in front can hold videos and video components like DVD players, Nintendo games, etc. Stove doors also make great coffee tables - or dinner trays for 'real men'.

And what about those heating elements from the stove top? Well, they're a little bit too large for the 'fashionistas' to use as ear, eyebrow, lip or nose rings. But, they are great for something else - instant wall sculptures or coasters for soup bowls. You can even paint them. And what about that stove clock? How about using it for a tongue ornament? When somebody asks you what time it is, you just unroll your tongue and answer their query. There's a piercing salon right next to the swap shop that will be happy to accommodate your request.

And speaking of salons: How about saving big bucks and doing your hair at home. One of Bob's used clothes dryers fills the bill nicely. After you've dyed and rolled your hair, just place your head inside the dryer and turn it on. In just 10 minutes, your hair is ready - and your wallet is still full. This sure beats the old 'dry your hair in a microwave' method first made popular by those country and western belles.

Restauranteurs 'in the know' are aware of how well Bob's clothes dryers function as salad spinners -- if you remove the heating element. For that reason, they get snapped up almost as soon as they arrive. If you're lucky enough to get one, be sure to clean out the lint trap and any dead animals before using.

Need an 'entertainment center' that's also a conversation piece? Look no farther than Bob's. They've got a great selection of old refrigerators that you can cram a studio's worth of entertainment electronics into - including your TV. Most of the doors have been taken off these for safety reasons, but if you scout around I'm sure you'll find one there. For an extra special 'crème-de-la-crème' entertainment center, look for an old LG fridge with the freezer part below. You can store your cold beer there for when you're watching NASCAR races, and never have to leave the room - except to take a wiz. If you're into watching PBS instead of NASCAR and 'reality shows', you can chill several dozen bottles of wine in the lower fridge. Truro Vineyards, just up the road, has some excellent choices.

Another great use of the refrigerators is replacing those old 'bathtub madonnas'. Instead of letting "Maddy" fry in the sun, get drenched in the rain or freeze in the snow, you can keep her nicely shielded and out of harm's way. Just put one of Bob's fridges in the back yard, place the Madonna in it - and all your wishes will come true if you also tell 7 friends within 7 days of doing so. This 'transformation of the refrigerator' has become so popular, there is a rumor circulating about bringing back the "Blessing of the Appliances" day that was once a fixture of Cape Cod life. Let's hope/pray for the best.

Bob's is also a feast for the fashion conscious. Into decorating your own clothes? Bob's want's to be your fashion supply store. Sequined jeans are out - knobby jeans are in! For that exclusive 'Cape Cod Country Look', just sew - or hot glue - a variety of appliance knobs onto your faded jeans. You'll be the talk of the town. Guaranteed.

Bob's Garden Center adjunct also offers some prime items. Need an air conditioner, but you're turned off by expensive electric bills? Just mount one of Bob's old 'pre-owned' lawn mowers in the window, fire it up and begin sucking that hot air out of your house instantly. Even with gas hovering just under $4.00 a gallon, you'll still be on the plus side with cash when compared to the Cape's electric rates. Be sure to use a blade guard - something from a charcoal grill, perhaps.

Need a cheese grater, but you're not inclined to pay Williams Sonoma prices? Bob's Garden Center has the answer. That old Scott's lawn spreader is the ideal way to spread Gorgonzola, Mozarella, Parmesan, etc. Fill it up with cheese, heft it up to your shoulder, - and crank away! If you set the spreader dial at '6', you won't even have to move around the table. You can spread the cheese to every plate right from where you stand. Be sure to wear a large plastic raincoat -- and warn your dinner guests before you start cranking.

Bob's Discount Appliances is so popular that it hasn't gone unnoticed by some outsiders. Now there's hidden market well below the radar: Foreigners. With the weakness of the dollar, many people in foreign countries have discovered that the treasures of Bob's Discount Appliances can be bought cheap - and sold dear in their countries. They arrive in their Armani suits, load up the rental truck - and spirit their finds off to Logan airport to be shipped home. Some of them spend their whole vacations at Bob's. And I can tell you that this is really helping to decrease our trade deficit. Hurray for Bob's!

There also seems to be a new trend in motion, right here on the Cape. The Rich nobs with their Trophy homes are trying to fit into the neighborhoods better (trying to be more like the locals, to ease tensions) - and they've taken up decorating their lawns and back yards with appliances from Bob's. But, in my opinion, I think they've just run out of expensive things to buy - and broken appliances are the last bastion of acquisition for the rich. That's my take on it, anyway. Or, maybe they've gotten to the point where they just have to have everything - period! They usually drive up in an inconspicuous 5-toned (4 shades of rust) Chevy Lumina wagon; but their Sydney Bespoke custom-tailored shirts and Di Fabrizio shoes are a dead giveaway as to the social class they inhabit. The old faded 'Billionaires for Bush' bumper sticker is also an instant clue.

If you're ready for bargains galore at way below discount prices, empty out the station wagon or van and make haste to Bob's Discount Appliances at the town dump* in Eastham. Happy shopping!

Hours are:

Summer Hours: (Begin 7/7/2008)
Friday - Wednesday
7:30 AM - 4:00 PM
Closed Thursday

Winter Hours: (Begin 9/5/08)
Saturday - Wednesday
7:30 AM - 4:00 PM
Closed Thursday & Friday

Swap Shop Hours:
8:00 AM - 3:00 PM

Closed all Holidays

Don't forget the 5% sales tax, if you're a Massachusetts resident.

NOTE: All items sold 'as is'. No returns. Some items may be exchanged at the discretion of Bob's employees.

*Now called the 'Transfer Station'. This term has caused some confusion among the Flex and Breeze bus riders -- and a new name may be needed to help eliminate the long lines of pedestrians waiting outside the gate.

-- The Phantom Cyclist

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Wonders of the Martha's Vineyard Bike Trails 1

The purpose of this series is to give you a look at some of the remarkable sites along - or near - the Martha's Vineyard Bike Trails. They're a part of the rich history and charm of this wonderful little island not recorded in the works of Judy Blume, Art Buchwald, Walter Cronkite, Spike Lee, Shel Silverstein, Carly Simon or William Styron. By reading about them, I hope you will gain a closer, more imtimate and meaningful appreciation of this unique little island paradise, as you pedal merrily along its bike trails.

The Marvelous Mini-Hilton of Martha's Vineyard.

Fairly new on the landscape in Martha's Vineyard, this quaint cyclist's hotel almost goes unnoticed - except for a small plaque near the side door. You'll have to bend down or kneel to read it - and it will truly snap your mind to attention. What appears to be a beautifully designed dog's water bowl next to the door is actually something of a different matter, which I'll explain shortly. The small silver rack with pink and blue packets, which looks suspiciously like a table top holder for Sweet 'n' Low and Equal, requires further explanation, and I'll come to that later.

Designed by French artist/architect Toulouse Low-tech, the hotel defies logic, when you think that its small footprint and height could accommodate 800 guests in 400 rooms - and that includes copious closet space and a private bath; plus cable TV, swimming pool, dining room, dance hall, gift shop, movie theatre and a gym. All the beds are full-sized, and that adds even more mystery to the matter.

This hotel is truly a mind-bender, and has already garnered an impressive set of nicknames. Many call it the Alice in Wonderland Hotel, Mickey Mouse Marriott, or Ramada of the 7 Dwarfs; while others refer to it as the LSD Hilton - in honor of Dr. Timothy Leary. Whatever nickname you prefer, this charming little oasis has become the rave of the cycling world!

So, what's all the commotion and hype about? Well, the operative word here is, downsizing - and if you're in the corporate world, you're more than familiar with the term. But, this downsizing is good downsizing - as opposed to the other kind. And there's more to it than first meets your eye.

Upon arrival, park your bike at one of the racks behind the building and to the left (near the collection of metallic looking frisbees), then head for the side door (which is actually the main entrance). Drop your cell phone and wallet or pocketbook in the chimney slot. (Trust me, it's safe! And I even got back a better cell phone than the one I deposited -- and a wallet with more money.) Then pick up one of the small pink (for women) or blue (for men) packets from the rack.

Next, unzip your pants or cycling attire (don't worry, you won't be arrested and hauled off to jail for doing this in public). Then pick up the dog's water bowl and take a small sip. Be sure to put the bowl back down immediately - to prevent injury. What happens next will be mind-blowing for first-timers, but exhilarating for return visitors. Faster than you can say "Politicians are a waste of space," you'll shrink down to 1/6 scale and be ready for your new maxi-adventure in mini-land. And a truly exhilarating one it will be.

Next, climb out of your full-size clothes by your shirtsleeve or pant leg (They'll be whisked away to the dry cleaners and be waiting for you when you're ready to leave in the morning). Hold the pink or blue packet over your 'naughty parts', duck into the outdoor shower stall by the door, open the packet and put on the Mini-Hilton robe. Depending on the season, your robe will either be light silk or a heavy cotton/wool blend.

Now enter the hotel, where you'll be warmly greeted by Mr Ivah Warmhand, and his lovely wife Noxzema, who immigrated to Martha's Vineyard early last year from Marshfield, MA. Both seem to have an ingrained speech impediment and pronounce Martha's Vineyard as Marsthas Vineyard. Don't let that, or their third eye, put you off - as they are both genuinely lovely people.

What's so neat about this transformation is that as you shrink down, so do your cares and worries. Left at the doorstep are those troubling thoughts of 'the Boss from Hell,' 'Oprah dissing your book,' 'The neighbors from K-Martville,' 'a dozen new Car salesmen jumping into the shower with you,' '$40.00+ a gallon gas,' 'a third term for George W. Bush,' 'John McCain or Sarah Palin pushing the red button,' and many others equally as frightful - but too numerous to mention.

According to the hotel brochure, the shrinking formula was originally discovered in a packet of Gorton's of Cloucester fish sauce and manipulated into its present state by adding extract of squid and a few ounces of Offshore ale. Believe me, it doesn't taste bad. And I must admit that its 'mad-dog' frothy head didn't deter me from taking a huge swig the first time. So, sip, shrink, -- and in a wink, you'll be ready to roll!

The hotel's interior and rooms are decorated in the latest style of feng shui, which seems to be cultural shorthand for wind-water. The gentle sounds of moving water, accompanied by a tantalizing breeze that lightly touched my skin, drew out the last vestiges of strain from my past work week. I felt like I had gone to the Jiffy Lube, had my oil and filter changed, my radiator flushed, my windshield wiper fluid topped off and my transmission fluid replaced. It was marvelous!

The hotel's furniture is post-Raphaelite in design, and made in Japan for the Mattel Toy Company. It can best be described as no-frills retro-70's -- with a slight touch of Pier1 chic and Pottery Barn constraint. It's actually quite comfortable - while the shrinking formula still has a hold on your metabolism. The bed sheets are soft and light and have a large decorative mark that says Kleenex. Sounds hi-tech, if you ask me, but they served their low-tech purpose well.

Rumors of using the shrunken guests for lab experiments by Martian visitors are unfounded. And I can assure you that I awoke the next morning after a peaceful sleep and the only evidence of any somnambulant encounter were two large mosquito bites on my neck, one on the tip of each toe and finger and one on each side of my navel.  There were several other bites; not to be discussed in mixed company. I must have a word with the hotel managers about supplying mosquito netting.

Even though my sleep chamber did not have a window, I awoke to beautiful sunlight, which was supplied by 'sun tubes' that drew the day's splendor into each room. I like that touch. And, who needs a window at night anyway?

After shaving, showering and dressing in my robe, I ventured out to the guest patio with its lovely ocean view. The patio was dotted with pastel colored chairs, tables and umbrellas. Around the perimeter were gaily colored, spotted mushrooms. The music of Mozart emanated gracefully from flower beds placed near each table.

I was truly in heaven and quietly enjoyed my sumptuous breakfast with a fantastic water view. A small note at each place held the secret to re-sizing for the biking adventure later that day. It quite simply stated that I should take a bite of one of the mushrooms near the perimeter, but to first go to the rack behind the bushes and pick up my freshly laundered clothing. I thought, 'This is really first-class.'

But, a word of caution here. I had no sooner finished breakfast, when a large hawk swooped down and carried off one of the guests I had just started conversing with. I was totally unprepared for this and it took me completely by surprise. A guest at the next table then leaned over to me and said, "Probably another one who exceeded his credit card limit - or let his credit score drop." 'Thank God,' I said to myself,' I'm glad I pay my balance in full every month -- and also return my library books and DVDs on time.'

Moments later, a squirrel bounded in and whisked off another guest. My heart started pounding rapidly. What was happening here? A nearby guest quickly supplied the answer that set my mind and heart rate at ease. He said, "The squirrels don't like Republicans. They can spot them a mile away."

Thank God I'm an Independent. And it's nice to know that somebody is trying to reduce the Repubulican population. This incident also made me think more kindly toward squirrels. Heck, they can raid my bird feeders any time, now that I know their true purpose in life. Chow down my frenetic furry friends --- and go at 'em!

When you've finished your breakfast, you have two choices. You can hop into one of the hotel's 1/6 scale BMW Z3 pedal cars (also made by Mattel) and drive along the sidewalk, Or -- hop into your clothes, bite the mushroom, return to normal size,-- and head out on a wonderful biking adventure. Edgartown, I hear you calling!

Some guests have complained that the transition back to normal size does not always go smoothly, and their feet sometimes come out in their shirtsleeves, or neck holes. This is something that cannot be avoided, but if you are prepared for it, you will not mind so much. A Japanese friend of mine says this is the haiku of clothing and gave an example:

Against the bright sky,

my arms become tangled.

I unfold wrongly.

Well, my narrative is winding down now, but I must add another word of caution about this otherwise lovely and relaxing place. While you're in a downsized state, do not, under any circumstances, agree to engage your services to anyone asking you to go to a bar with them and play the part of a "12-inch pianist." 'Nuff said.

So, if you're looking for the ultimate in stress-free relaxation, check in at the Martha's Vineyard Mini-Hilton. And start living by the words of comedian Steve Martin, who encourages us all to make positive changes in our lives when he says, "Let's get small."

Oh, and what did that plaque near the side door say?

"Most often, it's the small joys in life that have the greatest meaning."

-- The Phantom Cyclist

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Toting 'doggies' in baskets.

One of neatest things I've encountered while riding the bike trails is people carrying their dogs in baskets -- either fore or aft. It gives me the 'warm fuzzies' all over to see that they share their love of the bike trails with their favorite pet.

But, this presents a dilemma of sorts -- for those of us who are new to 'doggie toting' while cycling. How big a dog should you carry in your bike basket? I really don't have the answer -- and I'm sure the decision rests with the individual cyclist/dog owner. So let's see if we can sort this out and set some kind of standard.

Starting with little frou-frou dogs: These take up no space at all -- you could even carry two in a basket. And, if your butt gets sore from sitting on that rigid narrow seat, you could always plop one of the little critters down on it to cushion your ride. Be sure to switch them every few miles so the ASPCA doesn't get on your case.

MY VOTE: YES for little frou-frou dogs.

Cocker Spaniels: These loveable little dogs have the greatest ears. It's neat to see them dancing in the wind like dish towels trying to escape. You could even train your Cocker Spaniel to lean to the left or right giving turn signals for you. One per basket (fore or aft) should be a standard carrying load. Or, use a dual pannier system on the back and place a 'signaling' Cocker in each one.

MY VOTE: YES for Cocker Spaniels.

Scotties: These children's sweaters with legs have been one of my favorite dogs for a long time. I can't really explain it -- and if I did, I might embarrass myself. Suffice it to say that Scotties are perfect bike basket companions.

MY VOTE: YES for Scotties.

Miniature Poodles: I'm not going to go there.

Chihuahuas: A true yap-fest in a fur suit. Chihuahuas are great safety devices. Train 'em to yap at cycles and you won't have to constantly yell out "On your left..." all the while you're on the bike trail. You can even dress them up in Mexican hats to add a festive aire to your bike riding. Or dress 'em in some primo attire and sunglasses -- and have a 'chichuahua'. 4 per basket is a reasonable content limit.

MY VOTE: YES (But, with a caveat. I've seen several chihuahuas that look like they've bulked up on steroids. I'm not too keen about that idea. And suddenly, my ankles feel very vulnerable.)

Dachshunds: Possibly. But you'll have to fold them double to fit in a bike basket. You might want to use an umbrella stand instead.

MY VOTE: Maybe.

Now, let's look at the results:

Frou-Frou's, Cocker Spaniels, Scotties and Chihuahuas all fit nicely into the niche of 'totable doggies' on the bike trails.

Dachshunds are a 'maybe'.

What about larger dogs? Well, only you can answer that question. Picture yourself riding with a Boxer, German Shepherd, Great Dane, Retriever, Rotweiler or St. Bernard on you back or in a basket: It looks pretty silly -- doesn't it?

And hauling that 55 gallon 'pooper bin', plus a 'doggie' mit the size of a Rawlings or Wilson baseball glove, tends to lessen the pleasure of cycling.

None of the larger breeds are ideal 'basket dogs'. But, if you're going to haul one, you might want to put a helmet on it --

-- and ride a tandem.

Or, get your large dog his -- or her -- own bicycle.

So, there you have it. I hope I've been able to help set some standards. Let's try to tote doggies within that framework.

~ The Phantom Cyclist

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