Cape Cod Sports Desk

Patriots Draft Grades [Sports Desk]

Patriots Restock Defense

The 2012 NFL Draft has come and gone, and what you see now (minus some late signings) is pretty much what you'll be getting next season.

The Pats traded up not once but twice in the first round Thursday, acquiring Syracuse hybrid (DE/OLB) Chandler Jones with the #20 pick. Jones didn't do much in college, but his measurables (6'5", 265, agile) jump off the chart at you. He's not unlike another former Syracuse hybrid (FS/CB) Tebucky Jones(we're not sure if any relation exists), who turned out to be average at best. Coach Bill Belichick is thinking more along the lines of a Willie McGinest type threat.

The other move upward involved the Pats winning the race to Alabama linebacker Dont'a Hightower. The 6'2", 260 pounder bolsters the linebacker ranks to the point where some starter is now a backup. Hightower led a ferocious Tide defense, and can be used in many ways by the Pats.

We got a little tricky in the second round, ditching a late two for a three and a five... the latter of which we later ditched for a six and two sevens. Something like that, anyhow.

We used our remaining second rounder on unknown defensive back Tavon Wilson of Illinois. This pick inspired a lot of WTF chatter among analysts, but Belichick likes the kid. Maybe he's a saafety, maybe he's a cornerback.... time will tell.

With our later picks, we took Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, Ohio State safety Nate Ebner, Northwestern WR Jeremy Ebert (two thumbs up... again, not sure if there is any relation, the film dude is a Chicago guy and NFL heavy), and Nebraska cornerback Alfonzo Dennard. Dennard is the most talented of the bunch, but fell way down in the draft due to his impressive police record.

Overall, we gave a great big shot of youth and potential into our linebacker corps. We rolled the dice on an anonymous safety, and picked up a TNT (talented n troubled) cornerback. We either filled the bench with the other guys, or they can't beat out last year's veterans. Again, time will tell.

If Jones becomes what we want him to be and starts racking up 1double-digit sack seasons, this draft will be a success. If he doesn't... and especially if Tavon Who doesn't work out... we may have sold our house in a cheap market. While Dennard has promise, I' rather have whoever was available at #61 over everyone up in that paragraph that starts off, "With our later picks..."

I'm giving this draft a C, with a B possible if Jones is the proverbial All That, and a longshot A- if we get a star out of the later rounds somehow. It gets a D if Hightower is the only guy from the draft class on the roster in 3 years.

Don't forget to tune into the Celtics tonight at 7 PM!

High School Hockey Lawsuit [Sports]

Bell Rung, Then Gavel Sounded

A hockey player who was concussed by a rival player is suing his vanquisher for Assault and Battery.

Tucker Hannon, a Duxbury hockey player, was heading towards the goal when Alex Way of Scituate lined him up. Hitting the oblivious Tucker like a tsunami on skates, Way sent his opponent to the hospital. The concussed Tucker missed the rest of the hockey season, and was out of school for 5 weeks.

Now, his parents are suing Scituate High School. Claiming that he only wanted to discuss the matter with school officials, Tucker's father resorted to the lawsuit only after Scituate ignored his calls. Way was never suspended for the hit.

I recall a similar school-sports-violence lawsuit, but I think it was on The White Shadow (Salami decked a kid). I'm not sure how it worked out, but we'll follow this case closely.

 My father died early in my life, but he did teach me two critical things in our time together.... 1) Always Skate With Your Head Up and 2) Never Play Cards With Somebody Named After A City. He left enough wiggle room in the latter to allow me some initiative if I'm holding 4 aces and am facing off against Schenectady Scott, but he was quite firm on the former.

Cape Cod Today's NFL Mock Draft [Sports]

One of the good things about the Red Sox having their September Swoon in April is that it discourages the Sports Desk from wasting too much time watching them. This frees us up to concentrate on the NFL Draft, which starts Thursday night at 8 PM.

Before we get into the prognostication.... yes, we do realize that the NFL Draft is pretty much as low as an Internet geek can sink. Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts laugh at us, as they are at least playing a game and involved with their nerd hobby. Many of my friends look at me with a combination of pity and fascination when they realize that I am about to- happily- watch 4 straight hours of "With the third pick in the draft, the Minnesota Vikings select..."

This actually happened once:

TV: "With the 18th pick in the NFL draft...."

Jodi: "When do they actually play football?"

Me: "They don't... this is just when the players are doled out to different teams."

Jodi: "Why do you watch it then?"

Me: "It's like a second Christmas to me."

(uncomfortable pause)

Jodi: "The players are too big for their suits."

Me: "That's part of the fun."

Jodi: "I've never seen someone who had a head too big for a baseball hat."

Me: "The bigger the head, the better the player... it's like phrenology or something."

Jodi: "Are you trying to drive me out of the house for the evening so you can do drugs?"

If you are married or otherwise tied to a NFL Draftnik, at least be thankful that they break the draft up over three days now. It used to be like a 12-16 hour affair that killed a whole spring Saturday. Only the true hardcore elite could survive that without hallucinogens.

Predicting the NFL Draft is difficult. You have to concurrently be able to think like the smartest veteran coach in the NFL while also thinking like some stupid rich kid who inherited the team from Daddy and who makes awful draft picks that have his coaches reaching for the Maalox. It's sort of like having to be able to sing like Celine Dion while acting like GG Allin. The guy who can do A usually can't do B, or versa vice.

Fortunately, we have a soccer mom, a bookie, a college student and an actual journalist-type person working for the Sports Desk. We even have some kids we can ask if none of us can come to an agreement. You're not in good hands, but the fall to the floor isn't so high as it is when, say, Don Banks blows a mock draft.

Bill Belichick is a Nantucket resident, so chances are pretty good that he'll read this, be impressed with our draft logic, and will draft accordingly. He has avoided doing so most of the time, leading to various Darius Butler and Chad Jackson-like failures. He gets a Rob Gronkowski now and then, but blind squirrels don't starve, either.

So, without any further ado, here's how your faithful Sports Desk sees things going down.

1) Indianapolis... Andrew Luck, QB

Let me speak frankly. I hate Peyton Manning, just because he is generally the Enemy most of the time for the local pigskinners. However, he deserved better treatment than he got from Indianapolis. Andrew Luck is supposed to be a can't miss prospect, but you can get your lawn mowed by several can't miss prospects from past drafts. Ryan Leaf, for instance, just got arrested for getting-Oxycontin crimes in some Montana cowtown.

Karma likes to wind up slowly before she slaps you in the face, and I can see Indy paying for their disloyalty when the seemingly flawless Stanford QB either stinks up the joint or gets his back broken when some other can't miss kid slams him into the turf with such force that the shock waves travel through the Earth and disturb Indonesians.

2) Washington... Robert Griffin III, QB

I'm not actually that racist for someone who makes jokes for a living and writes about a mostly black occupational field. However, I'm still biased against black quarterbacks. It's nothing whites-are-better... I wouldn't select a white cornerback either, even if he craps gold bullion. It's not a brains thing... I have nothing against a black coach or general manager. Most of the blacks I know are better people than I am, generally by a wide margin.

I suppose I actually dislike QBs who run around a lot more than black QBs. Either way, it costs me a Cam Newton or even a Steve Young now and then, but it saves me 7 heart attacks a game when he's doing the Flutie Scramble.

RGIII (there were a lot of unanswered questions after RGI and RGII) is a scrambling QB. Maybe he's the future of the game, but life is too short for a scrambler. Washington gave up a king's ransom to get this draft pick, so of course it's going to fail for them.

No offense meant to our good friends at Hail Redskins... OK, not much.

3) Minnesota... Matt Kalil, OT

As someone who lives with only a seawall between her house and an ocean, I know the value of a good blocker. Kalil is big enough that, if he were around before Continental Drift happened, he could have personally held Africa and South America together. If you get a chance to get one of those kind of fellows, you don't pass on it.

4) Cleveland... Trent Richardson, RB

A lot of people out-think football. The basic idea is to give the chicken to some brute, point him towards the end zone, and say, "Hasten forward yonder." That spells Running Back, and Trent is the best of the bunch. Cleveland has a second pick later in the first round, and they can get a flanker or a linebacker then. Right now, they have to get the one guy in the draft who is a serious running threat.

Remember, Cleveland fans... three things can happen when you throw the football, and two of them are bad.

5) Tampa Bay... Mo Claiborne, CB

Tampa actually has two very good cornerbacks, but one is heading off to jail, and the other is like 70 years old. Claiborne is 23 years old or so, and has no imminent incarceration that I'm aware of. That's a keeper, mate.

If you need a laugh at a future millionaire's expense... Mo pulled a 4 on the Wonderlic, which is the NFL scouting combine's intelligence test. A score of 20 would speak of a 100 IQ, while a 50 is perfect. A score of 4 is about what a border collie would score... a really stupid border collie. Intelligence is overrated in football... you can't have your cornerback out there pondering metaphysics while someone is running past him.

6) St. Louis... Justin Blackmon, WR

Slewy drafted a QB a couple years ago. Last year, they managed to forget that what Gisele Bunchden-Brady already told us... the QB can't throw AND catch the ball. Shoot, he could have thrown to me last season, and at least nobody would blame him when I never caught the f*cking thing.

To be honest, even if I did catch it, I'd probably just turn around and hand it to whoever was going to tackle me. If my face or legs get messed up, I'll have to start pumping my own gasoline again (Editor's note... Stacey holds it as a badge of honor that she always gets some guy to pump her gas for her, even at self-serve stations. She usually just acts French and sort of gesticulates towards the pump to whatever guy she catches staring at her. It works about as well as you'd think it would). Either way, the Black Mon is the Mon the Rams could use.

7) Jacksonville... Quentin Coples, DE

I always give Jacksonville a defensive end in our mock drafts, and will do so until they have two All Pros at the position. I've been writing these for nearly ten years now, and they're still 2 DEs shy of me giving them a quarterback or something. There's a madness to my method.

8) Miami... David DeCastro, OL

Granted, someone just got suspended for being too pro-Castro in Miami, but this is a DE-Castro. My Cuban isn't that good, but I think that his name may translate to "Anti-Castro." He also went to Stanford, which should shut up the liberals. He's actually a guard, but he has right tackle size. If Stanford is really Harvard West, he should be able to handle the switch.

9) Carolina... Dontario Poe...DT

Carol needs some DL help. Several DTs in the draft may be quality players, but you never know. However, no matter what happens, Poe is going to be 350 pounds. You can't teach that. You can always draft a fleet fellow to do the chasing and catching later. He immediately supplants Edgar Allen as the all-time scariest Poe.

10) Buffalo... Michael Floyd, WR

Buffy loaded up on the defensive side through free agency, so they can afford to gamble on the pass-catcher from Our Lady. I'd take one of the linebackers if I were them... but if I were them, I wouldn't be in Buffalo in the first place. I actually went to Buffalo on the way to a Canada vacation, and the only place we could find anyone at in the whole city was at an Arby's.

11) Kansas City... Dre Kirkpatrick, CB

KC needs a cornerback, and Dre is a 6'2" one... a rare commodity. They can also make him the team captain, and call him Captain Kirk...patrick. You could also make him the team Doctor and have a Dr. Dre, but I'm sort of beating this bit into the ground now.

12) Seattle... Luke Kuechly, ILB

Seattle's best inside linebacker plays for Atlanta, so they may as well grab the kid from BC. 

13) Arizona... Riley Reiff, OT

The fear of having one of their better players mistakenly deported into Mexico weighs heavily on Arizona's draft plans. Rieff looks like a 310 pound version of the guy who prepared my taxes last week, so he should be OK.

14) Dallas... Mark Barron, S

Dallas was repeatedly violated deep last year, and the Red Barron will help fix that problem. They also free agented a CB, so things should be looking up in Texico.

15) Philly... Fletcher Cox, DT

Cox probably should have gone in the top ten, but sometimes we get a little slack here at the Sports Desk. Our failure is Philly's gain.

16) New York Jets... Melvin Ingram, DE/OLB

The Jets get a man who just may be the most intimidating Melvin on the planet. He also fills a major need, and will probably make Tom Brady do a Plank as early as this season.

17) Cincy.... Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB

Quite possibly the most intimidating Courtney... oh wait, I already used that line. Speaking of line, Upshaw should upgrade the Bengals D-Line.

18) San Diego... Michael Brockers, DE

Brockers is 300 pounds of defensive lineman, and he'd fit in Sandy's 3-4 defense. He may be a bit small for the inside, which is sort of funny, because "small" in the NFL equals the combined mass of me, Ellen, and my younger daughter.

19) Chicago... Johnahan Martin, OT

They already have the quarterback they need in Jay Cutler. Now, they need someone who can make sure that Cut isn't smashed up like a Kennedy car by the end of the season. Martin is yet another Stanford kid, and at the very worst it will take pass rushers some time to get around him. Seconds count in this game.

20) Tennessee... Kendall Wright, WR

I wish I had a good reason for this pick, but to be honest, we just put a bunch of names in front of the 5 year old, and this is what he chose. Babysitting helps us in that regard, but we have to go outside to smoke pot. The sacrifices I make for you, my readers....

21) New England (trade with Cincy)... Janoris Jenkins, CB

Janoris reminds me of the Dr Z joke... "He runs like the wind, which sometimes blows him into strip clubs, where 'misunderstandings' occur." I don't care how much pot he smokes or how many strippers he fondles... he's the best cover cornerback in the draft. I could throw for 300 yards on the Pats, and I'm very sad to admit that I throw like a girl.

JJ started at Florida or one of those southern football factories, but he ended up at Northern Alabama because he kept getting arrested and fathering children out of wedlock.

Yes, I know that Belichick always trades down.... but part of being a genius is that when people are banking on you trading down, you trade up. Besides, JJ won't get by Detroit, and the next best cornerback in the draft was arrested last Saturday night.

22) Cleveland... Michael Adams, OT

Adams will pretty much shore up their offensive line, and they can think WR with their early 2nd round pick. If Colt McCoy can't win with all that, they can kick him to the curb like a mouthy fat chick and start anew with some college kid next year.

23) Detroit... Cordy Glenn, OG

Detroit has a talented-but-fragile QB, so what you want to do in that situation is go grab some 345 pound blocker out of Georgia to at least stand in front of him. I'd like the Pats to get this kid, just so I could find out what "Cordy" is short for.

24) Pittsburgh... Dont'a Hightower, LB

He owns the least necessary apostrophe(?) on the planet, but I'll let you be the one to tell him that.

25) Denver... Jerel Worthy, DT

They need a big body in the middle, and this man is Worthy of this distinction.

26) Houston... Rueben Randle, WR

He's like 6'4", and they like them big in Texas. He and 6'3" Andre Johnson would be a real pain to cover with our 5'10" Smurf cornerbacks.

27) Cincy...trade with NE.... Alfonzo Dennard, CB

He was arrested last weekend, but stuff like that doesn't bother Cincy. The Fonz will compete with Pacman Jones for the starting CB job.

28) Green Bay... Shea McClellin, OLB

His name would be a restaurant in France, but he's a pass rusher in the land of Du Fromage.

29) Baltimore... Peter Konz, C

Baltimore needs a center, and Konz is the best of the bunch in this draft. Drafting him leaves the Ravens (who really should have got Donatrio Poe somehow) with both Pros and Konz.

30) San Francisco.... Stephen Hill, WR

San Fran needs some pass catchers, and Hill is a fast 6'5". I know, I know.. San Fran has enough Hills. This one won't bottom out your car.

31) New England... Devon Still, DT/DE

The Pats are thrilled to find the Penn State monster, uhm, Still available. At 6'4", 310, it's very doubtful that Jerry Sandusky tried to sodomize HIM, so he's No Homo. He can play inside in the 4-3 and outside in the 3-4.

Abdullah: "You're out of your god-damned mind if you think Still is there at 31."

32) New York Giants..... Lamar Smith, RB

They lost Brandon Jacobs in free agency, and Miller is a home run threat.

Bruins Advance To Game 7 [Sports]

Boston 4, Washington 3 (OT)

The Boston Bruins advanced to Game 7 of their opening round series with those pesky Washington Captials via a heart-stopping 4-3 win just a few minutes ago.

Tyler Seguin banged home the game winna at 3:17 in overtime. The former #2 overall pick showed that he did indeed merit his selection when he made Caps goalie Braden Holtby his bee-yotch. All 6 games of the series have been decided by one goal.

Tim Thomas stopped 36 of 39 shots. Rich Peverly, David Krejci, and Andrew Ference scored the other Boston goals, while the Caps got 3 goals out of their guys. Alexander Ovechkin got one of them, which is the first time I've hated Russkies since the Cold War.

Boston and Washington play a crucial Game 7 this Wednesday night, in Massachusetts.

Also...

The Red Sox got rained out today, saving us another back-breaking loss to the Yankees. There are rumors that the Yankers hit 5 home runs in one game, and then scored 15 straight runs to erase a 9-0 Sox lead yesterday.... but I both A) am not certain of this, and B) tend to repress unpleasant stuff. It is both my gift and my curse.

And Finally....

The 7th annual NFL Mock Draft is written, published, and set to go up Tuesday or something. It's one round now, but may end up being 2 rounds if I get into the endo and can't sleep some night. The NFL Draft is this Thursday.

Starting Off On The Wrong Sox [Sports]

Tigers Take Opening Game

The Boston Red Sox got the 2012 season off to a fine start, gagging on the first game to the tune of 3-2. The Detroit Tigers were the ones who put the boots to us, by the way. Here is the box score.

The Tigers jumped to a 2-0 lead behind awesome pitcher Justin Verlander, who threw 8 innings of shutout ball. He was both the AL MVP and Cy Young Award winner last season. The Sox got 2 in a 9th inning rally to tie the game, but a the Sox blew it in the final half inning. Austin Jackson singled in a bases loaded run off Boston closer Alfredo Aceves to seal the deal in the bottom of the 9th.

Jose Valverde got the win for Detroit, despite an inning of work that left him with a 18.00 ERA. Mark Melanson posted a 27.00 ERA in his third of an inning of work to earn the 0-1 record. Jon Lester gave up 1 run over 8 innings in his season-opening start.

Boston started out rotten last year, and this April ain't startin' that well, either. We get tomorrow off, then do 2 more with Detroit over the weekend. 1 PM Easter Sunday start, if you want to hurry along the Pastor or the Easter Egg hunt. It's Josh Beckett vs. the splendidly-named Doug Fister Saturday.

New Patriot and Expatriates [Sports]

Here's what happened yesterday:

The New England Patriots had an important day yesterday, both signing and losing key players. Their AFC rivals were also very busy.

• - The Patriots signed former Miami cornerback Will Allen. This is a move to help out our embattled secondary, and could or could not not be what finally ends up shifting struggling cornerback Devin McCourty over to Safety. Allen wrecked his knee in 2009, and was Miami's nickel back until they let him go after last season. He's an 11 year vet. Remember, kids... this is the Miami Will Allen, not the Pittsburgh Will Allen.
• The law firm of BenJarvus Green-Ellis left New England to sign a deal with the Bengals. The running back scored 24 touchdowns in 2 years with New England, and is known for never having fumbled a carry in the NFL. He'll be missed, but we didn't want to pay him $3 million a season, either. Patriots coach Bill Belichick will scour the colleges looking for someone with a longer name.
• Another productive guy we wouldn't pay- pass rusher Mark Anderson- left us to sign with the Buffalo Bills. Anderson had a career year last season, gathering up 10 sacks. Our best pass rusher now is either A) recovering from knee surgery, B) doesn't exist, or C) is still technically in college.
• As you may have read here yesterday, Tim Tebow was traded to the Jets yesterday. The trade was hung up until darkness by money, but they figured something out between when I went to bed and now. Tebow will back up newly-extended Mark Sanchez, but people will be howling for Sweet Baby Jesus as soon as Sanchez throws his first pick-6.
• RIP, Ron Erhardt.

We'll be back with any important updates, because we're good like that.

NFL Free Agent Moves [Sports]

Pats Sign Stallworth and Gallery, Manning Headed To Denver

The NFL's silly season continued today, with several big names joining new teams.

The huge news is that free agent QB Peyton Manning appears poised to sign with the Denver Broncos. Released from Indianapolis, he has been visiting Miami, Arizona, San Francisco, and Tennessee. Today, he announced that he has instructed his agent to reach a deal with Denver.

The Manning move pretty much spells the end of Tim Tebow in Colorado. Tebow, who drew a lot of attention this year with his religious beliefs, led Denver into the playoffs. Tebowmania will most likely be traded to some QB needing team, maybe Miami or Jacksonville (where he has a large following from his college days). Maybe he could play fullback for New England.

New England made some additional moves today. First, after signing Brandon Lloyd and Anthony Gonzalez to catch passes, they went out and added WR Donte Stallworth. Stallworth played here during the near-undefeated season, but he has bounced to a pair of teams and a prison stint for killing someone while drunk-driving. If he works out, he'll be another deep threat.

Stallworth, Gonzalez, Lloyd, Wes Welker, Deion Branch, and Julian Edleman will fight for what I presume are 5 roster spots. Matthew Slater, who re-signed earlier this week, is more of a special teams player. I hope you enjoyed Chad Ochocinco's time in New England, because it is probably over.

We also signed OL Robert Gallery. Gallery played for Seattle last year, after being drafted and playing for Oakland. He was the #2 overall pick, and was supposed to man Oakland's blind side for 15 years. Instead, he struggled before switching from tackle to guard. He's 6'7", and 325 pounds.

With Matt Light weighing retirement and Brian Waters doing the same, Gallery provides superb veteran insurance for New England's offensive line.

We lost big-name safety Laron Landry to the Jets. The oft-injured Landry signed a one year deal with New York today.

We'll be back with any important updates. New England hosts Denver this season, btw...

Duxbury Ices Falmouth [Sports]

Wins Girls Division 2 State Championship

Duxbury High School's girls hockey teamwas taking no shorts today at the Gahhhden, straight handling a game gaggle of grrrls from Falmouth. The final score was 3-1.

Hannah Murphy, who just may be the best player in the state, banged in 2 goals to lead the Green Dragons. Liz Collins netted the game winner, and Friend Weiler coached the whole thing.

Duxbury was undefeated this year, and maybe someone next year can handle them. This year, that ship just wasn't happenin', bro.

Falmouth's girls were no joke, and at no point did this game become a rout. The Lady Clippers were in it to win it, and weren't about to play Sucker to anyone. Rachel Moore twitched the twine... not bad work for a freshman, and I (sportswriter) will make a point of remembering her name.

This column would like to congratulate both squads for their great seasons!

Patriots Add Receivers [Sports]

Rebuilding The Passing Attack

The New England Patriots gave Tom Brady some toys to play with today, signing a pair of pass catchers.

Brandon Lloyd has been with 5 teams in 9 years, with his last season being split between Denver and St. Louis. He caught 70 passes for 966 yards and 5 TDs. The year before, he had 1448 yards and 11 TDs. I haven't heard the dollar totals yet, but Lloyd most likely didn't come cheap (update: 3 years, $12 million).

They also signed injury prone Anthony Gonzalez, who last caught passes from Peyton Manning in Indianapolis. Like Manning, he was injured last year. He's a minimum contract guy.

Gonzalez is more of a Welker-type slot guy, while Lloyd (15.4 yards per catch) is a deep threat.

We also signed Trevor Scott, a former Oakland Raider defensive end. Dan Connolly, a versatile center/guard, was also brought back. Redskins safety Laron Landry was in town Saturday.

Let's Play The Feud! [Sports]

Family Feud Looking For Local Families

Working for Cape Cod Today generally keeps me busy enough to avoid the Classified ads, but every now and then, one crosses my desk that simply can... not... be ignored. This was one of them:

Now Casting for Family Feud in Connecticut!

Date: 2012-03-16, 3:24PM EDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]
Got a family with tons of energy and enthusiasm? Ever dream of being on a game show with your family? Does possibly winning $100,000 and a new car appeal to you? Family Feud will be holding a casting call in Mashantucket, CT on Saturday and Sunday, March 31st and April 1st.

This is your once-in-a-lifetime chance to be on the long-running game show hosted by Steve Harvey!!!

If your family is interested in having a great time auditioning for the show, email us at newengland@familytryouts.com

For more information regarding auditions, please visit us at www.familytryouts.com.

*****************************************************************************

Now, you probably already know that I'm working on a plan for this. The Monponsett Family would most likely be the staff of the Sports Desk.

Our lineup would look like:

A) The Colonel

B) Stacey

C) Abdullah

D) Stephen

E) I'm tempted to plug Gabrielle into the Anchorman spot, but we'd probably want someone who is out of middle school. We'd most likely just haul Ellen back from Dartmouth.

If she demurred, I'd be very tempted to get this mammoth coke dealer named Big L who I know. Stephen actually suggested "Me, Big L, and three Asian children" as a potential faux family. "I'd offer to sell the children to Steve Harvey when we lost," says our hero. I think Big L may be a guest of Barnstable County atm, however... prolly a good thing.

We'd be a good mix. Stephen can do voices, which we'd find a use for. Stacey could answer everything in French. We could have the Colonel scream all of his answers in a R. Lee Ermey/Boot Camp manner. Abdullah's "I'm a bookmaker" answer to Steve Harvey's small talk questioning would only be surpassed by Stephen's "I collect money from Abdullah's less willing clients."

I don't like our odds of winning. Stacey is intelligent enough, but French people tend to answer Top 100 Persons Surveyed-type questions poorly... unless the survey subjects are also pampered French soccer moms. Stephen, Abdullah, and the Colonel would probably add up to a decent IQ, but each would be a moron standing alone. Each would also be a very real threat to physically attack people in the audience who laughed at any stupid answers they gave.

We'd be very dependent on Ellen, and relying on the Ivy League is why America is so fuc*ed up these days. No, I think that the Monponsett Family would suffer a terrific, backbreaking loss... even to some trailer park family.

Knowing that, we'd probably just aim to make a memorable appearance.

Even that might be tough. I see two problems. One, I can't imagine that they don't get families at the tryouts who are there just to try to be goofy on TV. In fact, now that I think of it, every family on that show that I can recall is wildly enthusiastic. They'd want that, rather than amateurs trying to be funny. They'd probably have us marked 100 miles and running.

Also, Steve Harvey is pretty funny. I can't see us being able to stay in character with him looking at/goofing on us. We'd fall apart like a Korean car. None of us is close to professional.

Either way, you can pretty much count on some form of the Monponsett Family operating in Mashantucket on March 31st. An April 1st tryout would probably be more apt, but- again- they'd see us coming.