Cape Cod Sports Desk

Nor'easter

Duxbury Beach, MA... gale warning, fat swells, astronomical high tide, northeast-facing beach, etc... There's a ten foot concrete sea wall between the houses and the sea, but the storm surge rolls right over that.

This is good surfing weather, although all the surfers I knew in Duxbury go to Rhode Island to surf (there is good surfing in neighboring Marshfield). The part about riding the Big Kahuna into 10 foot concrete wall adds tension to your fun.

If the fishing fleet get caught slippin' it isn't unusual for 10-100 lobster pots to wash ashore, and if you get to them before the lobstermen do.... free lobster for a month.

I've also seen sailboats, cabin cruisers, whales, trans-Atlantic cable (the TA cable- between France and the USA- came ashore on Cable Hill in Duxbury... the first message was sent by Napoleon III), sharks, sunfish, a thousand sneakers, oil filters, and jellyfish be hurled ashore by storms.

Keeping a lawn going is tough on Duxbury Beach. A lot of people just have sand yards. The only plants that grow here without intense labor are beach grass, beach plum bushes, poison ivy and goldenrod.

This isn't even that bad of a storm. I was trapped here in the Perfect Storm (a mammoth 1991 Nor'Easter that they made that George Clooney movie about), and the waves were breaking over these very same houses. The original house that became the house this picture was taken from was smashed into matchsticks in the Perfect Storm.

Rebuilding these houses means putting them on stilts... usually concrete pilings that create a look where one could park a non-SUV under the house. Duxbury Beach lies between a huge salt marsh and the Atlantic Ocean, and the water can pool up easily. Woe is thee who has a basement on Duxbury Beach.

The Pipes Are Calling...

Warn The Villagers...

   Crazed Indianapolis forward Ron Artest was traded to Sacramento for someone who's name is spelled something very much like Peja Stojakoic.

   Artest, as you may recall, is the gentleman who had that fistfight with the city of Detroit last season, and got suspended for 70 games or so. That's about par for the course at Artest CC, who has also:

- asked his coach for a month off so that he could promote his new CD

- founded a rap label called Tru Warier

- produced a girl-group named Allure, who are currently #345134561346145th on the Billboard charts

- requested a trade from a team that stood by him after his suspension, seemingly out of nowhere.

- busted this freestyle--- Hear Artest rap! (Right click on the link and 'Save Target As' to download.)

   Northern California might not be ready for the Artest Formerly Known As Ron. Reggie Theus was the guy who used to do all the shooting in Chicago before Jordan arrived, and he grew to enjoy Chicago's style. After he was traded to Sacramento, Reggie was asked how he liked California. He replied, "Sacramento is not California."

   Ron Artest is a superb scorer, an adroit defender, and has what rank among the faster hands in the NBA. He was a middle of the first round pick who blossomed as a pro. He's an all star and a former Defensive Player of the Year. Indy- who posted the best record in the NBA during Artest's last full season- looks awful without him.

   Ron is also buck nutty, like a Snickers. He's been in the crowd, and Indy began to openly shop him before a quarter season had passed. Laaaaaaarry and the gang managed to get Peja in return for him. He can shoot like a SOB, but his game doesn't go that far beyond three pointers. I could score 20 on the big Serb, who has battled near-constant injury over the last two years. The next tough rebound he gets will be his first.

   Peja won't go into the stands after anyone, though... and Indianapolis sort of distanced themselves from a crazy relative by sending Ron off to Sac City, who needed to do something drastic after stumbling out of the gate. Short of bringing in Rodman or Roy Tarpley, it doesn't get more drastic than Ron Artest. 

Kids These Days...

 I used to teach at a pretty rough school (a private school, nonetheless), and it wasn't at all unusual for me to get my smurfy little hands on various drugs, weaponry and other goodies that may have otherwise slowed the Learning Process.

   The kids would give it to me, because they knew that I'd generally give it back. While I wouldn't give back pepper spray or cocaine, there's no reason for me to refuse to give back a cell phone or a Walkman. That said, I managed to hang onto some of the more choice items.

   If I found pot on them, I'd keep it for myself. I'd give the less spectacular knives to the security guard, who was a biker. If I found heroin on a student, I hit him and flushed the drugs in front of him. I had a kid give me a bottle of Bailey's once... "We never got to it last night, there's nowhere to hide it, you're gonna find it anyway, and I can dodge a suspension if I just give it to you." This young man had rich parents who wouldn't miss the occasional bottle, and his Common Sense bested his desire to Beat The System.

   I gave back a few knives, to kids I knew who carried them for entertainment purposes only. I had an Eagle Scout who used to go hiking all weekend, and he'd get dropped off at school on Monday morning with a full pack. One time he came up to me and whipped out a huge f***ng Rambo knife, and asked me to hold it for him until the end of the day. I put it in my desk, and occaionally pointed to the map with it. The other students loved it.

   Some of my more thugged-out students would forget to take their EZ Widers or their butterfly knives out of their coat pocket before heading off to school, and I used to end up storing these for the remainder of the school day. While it is generally considered to be poor form for a teacher to be handing a Bowie knife to a student, it was my willingness to return said item that ensured that no one was walking around the school with a knife on them.

   When I moved here, I packed up all my stuff, and I'm still unpacking it a little at a time as we get bookshelves built. Each box brings back fond memories, and today I found a doozy.

   The pictures featured here are weapons that I bought off my students. The blow gun was something that a kid brought in while we were studying aboriginal cultures, and- while initially upset that I took it from him- he bought into my argument that it would be better for everyone if he wasn't prowling the halls of the school with a blow gun.

   When he came back for it, I just started laying twenties on the table until he cracked. He was out a neat toy, I was out $40, and no one got a 4 inch dart in the neck at MY school that day. To work an old teacher admonition into this... yes, you could take out someone's eye with that.

   I don't even know what you'd call this death-dealer of a double knife, but I took it off a kid who planned on using it to secure money for a date he had with this girl from his neighborhood. The same process went on that got me the blow gun. In the end, I was out $50, he took a girl to Red Lobster instead of Burger King, and I managed to take whatever the f*** you'd call this beast off the streets.

   This is actually a pretty cool thing to kill someone with, should it ever come up. You can hold this in a fist (Stephen has a pretty giant hand- it looks more like Wolverine or Freddy Krugger when I hold it) while wearing it under a loose jacket, then whip it out and up. It's spring-loaded, too... so you could pretty much bring the ruckus to Mike Tyson if you could get inside on him. This is a genuinely ugly weapon, and I thought $50 was a fair price.

   Whatever you may think of this policy, this is the maximum usage these weapons got once I acquired them. I ended up discarding this policy when I came to see myself as a small-time arms dealer after several similar purchases. Also, please use caution when commenting on this article... or you just may get a 4 inch dart in the keister, and never hear it coming.

Choker

The elimination of the New England Patriots was a bitter pill to swallow, but I did get a great thrill watching Peyton Manning lose yet another playoff game.

This is nothing personal against Manning, although it isn't as much fun applying this theory to Edge or Marvin Harrison. Peyton is the soul of that team, and his face is plastered across every Indy playoff failure like he was running for office.

All throughout the Patriot reign, people expected Manning and his Colts to knock us off. The Patriots were too old, too beaten up, or Indy's time had come... yet every year, we'd pound them like veal when the game mattered.

Peyton walked into each playoff at a higher level than the previous year. Last year, he was smashing passing records. This year, he almost ran the table to the tune of 16-0. Each year, he was out of the playoffs long before the Super Bowl.

He's the real Mr. October, especially when a lot of kids have no idea who Reggie Jackson is. The Colts roll up numbers playing Houston, but those games are a lot more hotly contested when played in January. So far, Manning is choking every year.

The best way to get over your own misery is to find somebody who is even more miserable. As bad as you have it, there's always someone who has it even more worserish. Tom Brady will watch the Super Bowl from a couch for the first time in many years.... but Peyton Manning will be watching them on the couch for another of what has proven to be many years in a row. I bet his wife calls him "Tom" now and then.

If there's a version of me lurking around French Lick, my last 4 years have probably been a little more enjoyable than her last 4. Thanks for Larry, keep the corn harvesting, and see you next year for another heart-wrenching failure!

God didn't invent football, or did She?

God did not invent football. Man did.

   However things worked out, it is allowed on Sundays and holidays, and God even gets into the act now and then- usually on last second passes, pregame prayers or touchdown celebrations.

   God even favors some while tormenting others (see: Bengals), and His ways are many and wondrous. There is a Scott Norwood to every Bart Starr. We are all meant to suffer, and only the potential for Actualization makes it all worthy.

   I'm not that old, and I've been through an Adam V Soooooper Bowl game-winner and the Billy Buckner. I've been elated and deflated. While I know that the answer is 42, it is the nature of the question that evades me.

   It's probably for the better. I don't go to church that much anyway. I do pray, and my prayer is usually reserved for sporting events. Some people say prayers like "God... let everybody be safe, and may the fans enjoy the show, and may the better team win." I go with more motivational prayer.

A reading from Samuel:

(please kneel)

SAMUEL 22

22:9 Smoke arose up in His nostrils, and fire out of His mouth did devour; coals flamed forth from Him.

22:10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and thick darkness was under His feet.

22:20 He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me.

22:21 the Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands hath He recompensed me.

22:38 I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; neither did I turn back till they were consumed.

22:39 And I have consumed them, and smitten them through, that they cannot arise; yea, they are fallen under my feet.

22:40 For Thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle; Thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.

22:41 Thou hast also made mine enemies turn their backs unto me; yea, them that hate me, that I might cut them off.

22:42 They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the Lord, but He answered them not.

22:43 Then did I beat them small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the streets, and did tread them down.

   Denver vs New England. From the Sea to the Mountain cometh, and it truly could go either way. The Mile High City hosts Six State Conglomerate. There's a whole fist of championship rings involved.

   They played earlier this year, and a battered Patriots squad took an ugly 28-20 L that was muted somewhat by key injuries and new people working together. Notice how you don't see Duane Starks anymore? That game was a big part of the Why.

   New England will be a whole lot more readyish this time around, and Belichick will  have his grown-up game plan on the table.He knew the Bengals were done when he saw Carson Palmer get injured, so he actually has had more time than usual  to prepare for this game.

   I like the Patriots this time around, and I have several sound reasons for doing so:

- Jake Plummer is a good B+ in a game with A level implications. If you ever thought that this guy was a Jabroni, this will be about as good a test of that hypothesis as is hyposibble.

- A goodly chunk of Denver's players were on the Cleveland Browns death ship last year. Either no one knows what they were doing in Cleveland, or Denver has been getting lucky so far.

- Many of their players are what you'd call (preferably from a distance, as is the case with Gerald Warren) career-length losers. Get a whole bunch of them in one place, and you generally end up with trouble once the games get Januaryish.

- They deserve to lose, for that cowardly chop-blocking scheme that they employ. Look for a Vin Wilfork or Ty Warren to be sacrificed to the ACL Gods, and I'd play all second-stringers if some rival Gods decide to give us a large lead.

- Who's running the ball up there? They always perform, but there's a big difference to getting 16 carries in an October fourth Quarter blowout of the Raiders and doing so in a highly-contested playoff game.

- There's a good chance that someone in Denver will get exposed to Punk Fever. Remember Champ Bailey taking that lazy serf-style beating from Manning last year, when the game counted? God walking onto the field to give a Punk Card to Jake the Snake is not out of the question.

- Denver knows that they're doomed anyhow. Indy pounded them last year, and they're a whole lot better now. Denver hasn't answered last year's question yet, and it's already next year... and next year's a lot harder. When you're looking at next week, this week has a way of kicking you in the ass that won't surprise many people who are actually watching for this phenomena.

- New England has won bigger games than this one. They are playing for their place in history. Still... they are visiting one of the toughest places to visit, and they have had a lot of trouble with Denver in the past.

   There's a long road ahead, and we are definitely not favored to get past the Colts. You can almost see God wanting a Pats/Colts showdown. History almost demands it.

   There's a couple of things in the way of that happening, and only one of them is Our Collective Problem this week. That particular Them is the Denver Broncos.

         PATS, 23-22

I don't want to... but if I have to, I'll kick Kareem

Mondays are more enjoyable if you can watch someone get kicked in the face, especially if "someone" is the 50 or so guys who cross the late Bruce Lee in this wonderful bit of Chinese animation.

http://www.allbrucelee.com/download_flash.htm

Cold Shot

   Without giving away too many details of the Monponsett household, let's just say that this column has far greater insight into the weather than long-time readers might gather from me asking for/getting an anemometer for my birthday.

   What is Saturday night looking like in Foxboro (a mere 15 miles or so NW through the Great Cedar Swamp from ye olde Monponsett office), you ask? Well, maybe you aren't asking, because you know as well as I do that it will be 25 degrees, with a steady wind and blowing snow.

   If you like seeing all those big Joe Bobs on the line expelling visible breath from their chests like horses, this one's for you. If some black guy's steaming head cracks you up, pay attention to this week's camera work on both benches.

   Astute football minds speculate that Control Of The Weather is something that a crafty Belichick snuck into the contract for his immortal soul while Satan was preoccupied with Idi Amin or Pol Pot, and nothing you see in Saturday's game will dissuade them from this conviction.

   You know that commercial where the Florida suntanners get all upset as a cloud passes over the sun for 3 seconds? Our weather Saturday night will be the exact opposite of that.

   For people used to Disneyland weather, this will be less than idyllic football-playing weather. My brother lives in Florida... and when he comes North for the holidays, he is absolutely miserable during that walk from the plane to the car. I can't blame him, either... 15 degrees sucks pretty hard, and I don't even consider coastal New England to be THAT cold, when compared to ice boxes like the Dakotas and Minnesotas.

   I'd hate to have Willie McGinest hit me in this weather. I mean, if the man crushes you in August, you can recover from it in a beach chair while working on a comforting bottle of wine. New England in January is more like the climate you see when you go up to blaze one with Rudolph and his dentist at the Island For Misfit Toys. The only comfort in it comes with the cessation of one's being  in it.

   Once the Jags adjust to the weather, they will have advantages and disadvantages. The gimpy QB- who is supplanting a 4-1 replacement starter who has put up 77 points or so in the last 2 games- is probably still a lot faster than Brady. He may be on a short leash, which is a bad leash to be on when you are going up against the cunning Belichick.

   They have a Big'N'Ugly defensive line, and a head-hunting secondary that studied under Professor Donovan Darius last year. It will be very difficult for clock-killin' Corey Dillon to run through them. If Belichick really really misses Charlie Weis, this is the time of year when that loss will be particularly glaring.

   The Jaguars are also young where the Pats are old (save WR and HB, who are more Vrabel-aged), and this hurts as much as it helps. There's an old French saying that roughly translates to "Age and treachery always overcome youth and exuberance," and this is the kind of game that will properly grizzle the young Leftwich for the time when his team is favored... which ain't this week, kid.

   The Jags are a lot like that cherry recruit in Vietnam, whistling in the minefield. The vets tell you that those kind are the first to get waxed when things get ugly, and things don't get any uglier than a Foxboro snow squall on a cold January night.

   Eff them. This is no time for innocents.

   Pats, 23-21

Satan must own this man's soul...

   While I'm not that into college ball, it's pretty hard to ignore tonight's Rose Bowl.  USC and Texas lock up tonight in Pasadena for what will probably be the polar opposite of that ''little old lady from Pasadena'' story that you always hear when you talk used cars. This will be huge muscle, big money, high stakes, maximum exertion, supreme athleticsm... you know, the whole nine.

   This game also has all of the people currently playing college football that I can name without looking up something. College football is more of a coach show than a player show, and they get more cheddar than is thrown at, say, your college history teacher.

   They probably deserve it. I taught for a few years, and only God knows how I would have done if I had to put the kids in a bus and go take on the kids at Stoneham or Brockton twice a week in front of 70,000 test-crazy loyalists who were being fed $8 beers. MCAS says that I'd win Brockton and lose at Stoneham, but I'd still hate to have my fate determined by people who believed in Santa Claus 12 years ago.

   Even in sports, things happen that shock me. One of them was the success of our very own New England Patriots. When Bill Belichick took over this team, they looked friggin' awful. Writers all around the country united in their disdain for the local team, and we looked to be what NBA fans call a ''consistent lottery team.''

   Instead, we reeled off 3 Super Bowls in 4 years, and essentially ran the NFL like a dangerous pimp for all of this current century. I know children who have never seen anyone else win one. Our offensive linemen and safeties have more lucrative endorsement deals than do franchise players like LaDanian Tomlinson or Randy Moss. Winning all the time does that.

    A huge factor in this was Tom Brady. After Mo Lewis big-manned Drew Bledsoe out of the way, the then-unknown Brady morphed into Joe Montana. Champagne Tom now rolls with an actress, meets the Pope, turns up at the State of the Union address, has a bunch of commercials, and is the Sportsman of the Year.

   The other thing that put us over the top was bringing in a genius to run the show. Belichick has, so far, destroyed anyone who has come up against him in a game of any consequence. He ran a 1940 play last week. His defenses work with rookies and unsigned free agents. If Bill Belichick was running Gulf War I, there would have been no need for a Gulf War II.

   Belichick was a vast improvement over his predecessor. The team he took over had a sound defense, but they couldn't score with a blow-up doll. Bill got some breaks, but there can be no doubt of the mammoth effect his presence had on the team. It was like night and day.

   So, you can imagine my shock when Pete Carroll became an instant dynasty at USC. Pete was laughably bad here, and his ''jacked and pumped'' is still the worst description of a team I've ever heard an athlete/coach use.. and that list used to include Parcells calling players ''she,'' and Butch Hobson saying ''We ran good.''

   Once he hit USC, he started steady smashing everybody up. He has brought us 2 Heisman Trophy winners. He won the national title last year, beating Oklahoma like a government mule. He's favored to do so again tonight. While the Patriots were solid defensively during his time here, there was nothing showing in his performance that made many think that he'd rule college football shortly after.

   Maybe he recruits really well, due to mothers liking him better than some angry Bear Bryant guy that seems to pop up at all those Southern schools. Maybe good players just figured out where California is. Perhaps there was a deal with Lucifer, as many have suggested is the case with Belichick (who was widely despised when he left Cleveland). Maybe some guys are just better suited to coaching kids than adults.

   Either way, I'd suggest tuning in tonight. Texas has a ferocious defense. They also have Vince Young, who is a regular one-man-gang out there. USC has Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush, who just may go 1-2 in the next NFL draft. This will be either a superb game or a stomping... both of which make great TV.

   It may also be a swan song for the former Percy Carroll, who will almost certainly be offered several of the newly-vacant NFL head coaching gigs. He can pretty much pick his spot and name his price, provided he doesn't suffer a 55-0 stomping at the feet of the Texicans.... and probably even if that happens.

   It's tough not to be happy for a guy who was pretty earnest about making my Sundays happy during his time here. It just didn't work out. It's a lot like dumping someone, ending up very happy with someone else... and seeing them 10 years later, perfectly happy in their own right. It worked out for everyone.

   The converse of that is him taking the possibly-available J-E-T-S job, and bashing us twice a year for the next decade. I'd still bet Belly Check over Percy in any battle of football wits... but, as the Rose Bowl should prove, I've been wrong before.

Across the clear blue yonder, sea to shining sea...

Let's see how the Smurf did against the spread, shall we?

- The Giants covered the spread, and Tiki Barber ran like a man possessed. (1-0)

- Denever and San Diego came nowhere near 43 points. (2-0)

- Baltimore and Cleveland combined to post 36 points. he line was 37. (3-0)

- The Jets beat Buffalo, screwing up my perfect week. (3-1)

- I took Carolina, giving 4. I could have gave 32. (4-1)

- I took and hit the under in the Dallas/Slewy game. I did the right thing. (5-1)

- Green Bay took it by 6, well above the 4.5 the Mafia projected. (6-1)

- The Texans won by losing, while i lost by the 49ers winning. (6-2)

- Indy won, but not by enough to make me any money. (6-3)

- Jacksonville whaled on the Titans, and things are looking bad for the Smurf right about now. (6-4)

- KC stomped on the Bungles, and I learned to NEVER bet on the Bungles. (6-5)

- New England sat everyone, which is winning by losing (They get QBless Jacksonville to open the second season. Good for them, bad for me. (6-6)

- Minnesota beat Chicago like they stole something (7-6)

- Detroit lost the game, but beat the spread- barely. (8-6)

- N.O. and the warmer Bay team eked past the spread, and woe is me. (8-7)

- Washington looked awful early, but NASCAR Joe is in the playoffs again. While no batteries were reported thrown on TV, Clinton Portis' mom had to go down on the field after Philly fans threw beer on her. (9-7)

   So, 9-7... not bad for a Smurf.

   The Pats game was sort of dull, save for some unusual stuff. Miami's Chris Chambers caught a touchdown... started towards the goal post to dunk it... then threw an alley oop to a teammate, who- while missing the goalpost dunk- still got a laugh out of me.

   The better trick was a heart-warming appearance by Doug Flutie.

   He's had more glorious seasons than the one he had sitting on the bench this year. He ruled Canadian football for a few years. He won the Heisman Trophy. He's been a pro for a long time, has his own Flutie Flakes cereal, plays in a rock band, and is by far the greatest man ever to come out of Natick, if not Middlesex County all together.

   This year, he sat on the bench... which is normal when the team has a Super Bowl MVP QB with a fistful of diamonds. Doug was a good soldier, and everyone in New England was rooting for just one more chance to see some magic.

   When Brady went to the bench, many fans were disappointed to see Matt Cassell take the reins. While he came within a poorly-thrown two point conversion pass of pulling off a comeback win, he was like getting a broom for Christmas- effective, but not really that memorable.

   This game was most likely the last chance we'd get to see Flutie running around on some frozen Massachusetts field. Belichick knew this, and- with losing actually favoring the home team- decided to throw everyone a bone.

   Following a NE touchdown, he sent Flutie out with his arms crossed over his chest, and Miami thought he was Vinatieri(one of the benefits of having a 5'8'' QB). We went from kicking formation to shotgun, and Miami called a wise time-out. When play resumed, Fluite was still out there.. he was just lined up farther back than the normal shotgun formation, and he had spoken to the ref beforehand.

   So, the hike comes to Flutie... and he bounces the ball off the ground and kicks it through the uprights for the PAT. The crowd went wild, Flutie celebrated like BC/Miami, and even the diabolical Belichick was seen laughing openly on the sidelines.

   Flutie will probably retire, but he got to end a hell of a ride with a play that the NFL hasn't seen since the 1940s. It was a treat for those who have followed his career, and it sure was nice to see Flutie go out in such grand style. Natick can be proud today.