Cape Cod Sports Desk

I got the back-breaker, double-pump rump shaker!

Breaking News: Patriot player killed

 NFL - Body of Patriots' Hill Found in Lake Pontchartrain - AOL Sports

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 Holding down the fort like Alamo, and you can sort of call it a mission.

We're a little later than usual, and we're blaming the Crawlover. Bourne residents prepare for weekend traffic like we do for blizzards... stock up on milk and bread, cancel immediate travel plans , secure adequate tobacco and wine, etc... We laugh long and hard at locals caught in that Rotary nightmare, as they should know better.

Stacey is still off in New Hampshire (we know this now, as she's been making calls at night to talk to the border collie over the answering machine from a 603 area code). She sends her best. The Senator was over yesterday, and used the computer briefly.

All is well here at the Home. Dr. Monponsett left food, money, recipes, and very detailed instructions. Sloppy Dog had a nice stroll, the Colonel's supper (Mignon de Porc Vallée d'auge, whatever THAT is) is on the oven, and all I have to do now is drop some Sport on you.

Bobby Knight used to host a golf show and, guess what, he had a short temper. - CollegeHumor video... you can probably see this one coming. Bobby Knight is one of the few people I know who is upset by the ice cream man, and he gives you the full Dark Knight here. (not office-friendly)

Golf isn't always so upsetting, though... Fuzzy Zoeller was so happy after making this shot, he took Tiger Woods out for some chicken.... There is a god of golf, and sometimes he smiles upon us. - CollegeHumor video. I hit one like this at the Wareham Mini-Putt, but You Tube wasn't there.

Some kid in Alabama killed about 1200 pounds of bacon and pork loin... check this beast out...Boy bags hog said bigger than 'Hogzilla' - Boston.com

Dammmmmmn...

Striper season is upon us, and one of the big Cape debates is whether you should fish for them with Herring, Squid, Mackerel or Lures. I prefer an RPG, as do most people in Afghanistan...Fishing in Afghanistan. The tough part is attaching the worm to your bazooka. - CollegeHumor video

Win if you can, lose if you must... but always cheat... unless the ump is looking. Phantom Hit - CollegeHumor video

For all the damage Cape Wind will do to the bird population, they won't get as many kills on camera as baseball does. If you're rooting for the birds, they get a few shots in as well... Bird Moments - CollegeHumor video

Here's some high school tailback extrordinaire. Watch about a minute in, when he jumps over someone's head as he's running.....Sam McGuffie - CollegeHumor video

This baby loves breakdancing... you could say that she gets a kick out of it.... Times Square Breaking - CollegeHumor video

May as well end up with our original Veteran,,, a George Washington rap song with NC-17 hero worship lyrics.....George Washington - the new Chuck Norris? - CollegeHumor video

Faux Smurf

Before you even start.... I'm normally Dr. Monponsett's babysitter. I got a call Tuesday night which initiated plans we had previously made in case of Dr. Monponsett's hospitilization or nervous breakdown.

I don't know what happened Tuesday, but she took the kids, loaded up the car, and hasn't been seen since. I took the phone call, heard one word-"Fifth"- and the plan was then put into effect. My duties to her are to keep Sloppy Dog company and see that the Colonel is fed. I am also to maintain this web page.

The Colonel is taking her absence well. He comes home, has dinner, then just fixes a drink and stares off towards the woods. He doesn't know where she is, although he suspects a place they own in northern New England. "I'd go up there to check, but I'm afraid that she might drop out of a tree onto me. She'll be back when she's ready to be back." Most of the neighbors think that she left him, and they give me extremely dirty looks.

I'll be honest. I don't really know anything about Sports. If you run and they don't catch you, it's a touchdown. If Boxer A hits Boxer B and he gets knocked out, it's called a knockout. You hit home runs, but I don't have any idea what one looks like. That's pretty much all that I know.

But Stacey and I both love to write, and I've read enough of her work to fake being her until she runs out of marijuana up there in the Northeast Kingdom. I may as well empty her video collection for her.

Office Rube Goldberg - CollegeHumor video... this is actually the CCToday offices.

 Billiard Trick Shots - CollegeHumor video... the one time I saw someone shooting pool like this was, unfortunately, the time I also had $20 on the table.

Marvel vs DC 2 - CollegeHumor video ... or, when Batman, Spiderman, and Superman drink at the same bar.

Superman was late getting there, because he had college classes...When students interrupt class with elaborate pranks, it reminds us all that stupid jokes are more important than learning. - ...

 YouTube - Mind Body & Kickass Moves - Taiwan SWAT Team, or "Why I Don't Take Hostages In Thailand."

Little Superstar - CollegeHumor video.. that may or may not be a kid doing that dancing, but let's give him a cigarette anyhow.

YouTube - Pissah -- A Red Sox Fan's Lament,,,,,,,, speaks for itself.

Dogfighting is big in the sports world these days. A lot of people look down on dogfighting, but not me. I love it. Here's a good brawl, where a hyper-aggressive smaller dog goes after a relative super-heavyweight.... David v. Goliath - CollegeHumor video

Turn down the volume for this one, because it's a bit NC-17.... but I hate when my friends and I go to gang-stomp someone, and they turn out to be a Shotokan Karate guy... YouTube - street fight

You hate to see a man get sliced at a baseball game, but you also hate to see someone interfere with a playable ball. I have no pity at all. YouTube - Pizza Tossed at Fenway....

Here's some video of that Chinese kid Danny Ainge is supposed to be all ga-ga over.....YouTube - Nba Draft Prospect: Yi JianLian (pronounced "Yi JianLian " )... he's the tall Chinese guy with the basketball, I assume.

Surf na onda gigante..... YouTube - Surf na Tsunami

- Elle Protege

Take Care, Everybody

The Celtics didn't get pick #1. They didn't get pick #2. They didn't get #3 or 4, either.

 We got #5. The worst case scenario.

Simply put, the Celtics can't recover from this.

I love basketball. I've played it, coached it, and watched it for all of my life. I'm going to miss it.

I suffered 20 years of ML Carr, Rick Pitino, Danny Ainge, Doc Rivers, Dave Gavitt and all the other wannabe Reds. All of that suffering was aimed at this day... and this day was a Christmas morning where you wake up to find that someone stole all the presents.

Oden will most likely go to Portland, where I hope he is raped by a Sasquatch. Durant ends up in Seattle, and I hope he splits his head open on the f*cking Space Needle while laughing at Oden's hybrid raping. Both Seattle and Portland were in dire financial straits, and both somehow got the best of the talent... but the Lottery wasn't fixed, or anything.

Much like the Celtics will never recover from this draft, I will never recover my joy in watching the game. Franchise big men come around about once a generation, and I've already seen two generations pass without us getting one. Considering that I already fell off a mountain this year, I'm not liking my chances of being around when the next great center is dangled before the Celtics.

A sportswriter who no longer loves the game isn't worth reading, and my heart is filled with hate right now. It is my lot to head off into the woods with my daughters, only to re-emerge when the world makes sense again.

Fear not... this column will be left in the hands of my protege, Elle. Try to be good to her in my absence. She's just a kid.

EDITOR's NOTE: Our Police & Fire reporter from Cape Wide News caught the photo on right of a Patriot Cheerleader Bear leaping from the Sagamore Bridge sometimes during tha 4th quarter of Sunday's playoff.  East Bourneville police later reported the bear was actually in a masquerade costume with a well-known female AOL Sport Diva inside.

A Shirley Jackson Sort Of Lottery

A few notes on my immediate future...

 The NBA Draft Lottery is tomorrow night. The Celtics will have their future dictated to them by a tumbler full of ping-pong balls. They have the second-most ping pong balls in the tumbler, and have about a 20% chance of getting the first overall pick.

#1 gets them Gerg Oden, a hulk of a center who pretty much hands them the NBA Atlantic Division. Pick #2 gets them Kevin Durant, who would add 20 wins to the club's total from last year.

After that, there is a huge talent drop-off. Imagine thinking that you have a date with Rose McGowan. Imagine that instead, when you show up, it's Rosie O'Donnell. That's the difference between pick 2 and pick 3.

I love my Celtics. I watched them with my father, when I was a kid. We usually beat the hell out of whoever we played, and watching them was an exercise in Satisfaction. I loved every game, and looked forward to the next one.

I also looked forward to watching the Celtics with my kids.. but that went out the window when the team started to really blow. No need to have Gabrielle hearing me yell "Goddamn Doc Rivers!" or "Danny Ainge must have pictures of the owner raping a Cub Scout... it's the only way I can see him keeping his job." So Gabby is usually off in bed by game time.

Greg Oden wipes this problem off the table the moment he ambles into Boston. It's all wine and roses after that... or so it will seem tomorrow night when we get the #1 overall pick. Unless Danny Ainge messes it up somehow, but that's another article.

If we don't get Oden or Durant....

Well... I like to think positive. There are some fine players out there. Yu Zailing or something from China, supposed to be great. The three Florida kids look solid. Someone must be leaving Duke or UNC. We'll have to select someone, and we'll most likely still get a fine player.

Of course, I won't be aware of it. The moment we lose out on picks 1 and 2, I will retreat into a mute, insular phase that may last for several months. We lost the Tim Duncan lottery 10 years ago last week, and the Gods wouldn't be so cruel as to dangle the next franchise big man in front of my face before whisking him off to Memphis or Atlanta, would they?

We'll find out tomorrow.

I need to relax... which, to me, means watching someone else suffer. This is the funniest human/bear fight I've ever seen...YouTube - Guy gets his ass kicked by a bear.

There's no blood... it's a salmon commercial.

No Soup For You

 Goody Petronelli wouldn't like this, but...

"I make you humble."

Sacre Bleu, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night! I can't even blame Cocaine for this, as the heaviest thing I got into last night was a Pepsi. I was still in bed at 9;30.

Part of it is the no-work thing. I'm used to being a full-time student with at least one job, often two or three. I tend to wake up feeling behind, just long enough that I can't get back to sleep once I realize I'm retired.

As high-stakes as Mothering is, I actually don't view it as a job. I totally enjoy hanging out with the girls, and I'll miss Gabrielle once she starts school. Even my two year old is fun, which gets me a lot of raised eyebrows when I say it among other moms. The downside is that they wear me out, I go to bed at 9, and wake up at 3 AM.

May as well get some work done... some mid-week video fun for you all.

YouTube - WC Crip Walk

I'm not sure that he does it right, but French housewives don't overrule rappers when How To Crip Walk is being discussed, regardless of how long she taught at whatever ghetto. Things are best left that way.

Walter? Please get back in your seat... you can practice the Crip Walk later. We're just warming up, here. Besides.. white people can't do it.

Well, most white people... YouTube - C-Walk - Snoop Intrology. Some things just don't work on 1.5 acre lawns.

"Them knew it, but them can't do it...."

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Hopping fom culture to culture.... we've had mention here at CCToday concerning our lack of Gyro Ball media. That will not be allowed to continue. For those of you not in the know, the Gyro Ball is the ace-in-the-hole pitch that our new Japanese hurler uses, a sort of mystical converse breaking slider that looks sort of like this:

YouTube - DICE-K GYRO-BALL

Oooops... wrong one. I meant... THIS: YouTube - Matsuzaka Famous Gyro Ball in Japan

Dice looked good the other night, but I'm sort of hoping that he rounds into form when the weather gets more Japanese as summer nears. I'm thinking that he requires mid-summer humidity to make the Gyro work, and may not even be aware of this fact himself. I'm rooting for a 6-0 July with 54 strikeouts.

My sources tell me that Clemens was balls-out in his first pitching session, so we'll need the little SOB to get it together.

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Working our way west from Japan, here's a bit of female professional wrestling from Israel.

 YouTube - Makkat Medina: Israeli Satiric Wrestling

Now. my Yiddish isn't that sharp, but I speak the international language of Wrestling well enough that I can explain what's happening here. You have your basic evil Schoolteacher character fighting what seems to be a combination of a Farmer's Daughter and a Cheerleader character. 'Happens all the time.

Cheerleader Inga from the kibbutz is a regular Jill of all trades... but Master of none, because she got her ass handed to her. She takes a nice leg sweep (Israeli girls all serve time in the IDF, and even schoolmarms pick up such tactics) and absorbs a finishing move that seems to knock her out by slamming her on her own keister.

Here's what I learned watching this:

- I'm not sure what the teacher said before the fight, but I know it wasn't good.

- Never go for the flying elbow if your opponent is still conscious enough to be fixing her hair as she lays before you.

- Kibbutz farm girls usually have cheerleader outfits on under their work clothes.

- It's not anti-Semitic if I root against the Israeli Cheerleader, because I'm rooting for the Israeli Schoolteacher. We teachers stick together, you see... like slightly less dangerous cops. Besides, the Israeli cheerleader seems to lapse into English here and there when she's making her speech.

- "Za onish" means "It's over." If it doesn't, it should.

But that's not the best central Asian professional wrestling action we have.

YouTube - Iron Sheik goes nuts

The Iron Sheik- who is actually really from Iran, and competed for their Olympic team- does a shoot interview for a Boston wrestling show.

Some background.... the Sheik left Iran when the Shah fell, but was able to parlay his heritage into a good Villain role for the WWF during the hostage crisis. An actual wrestler, and generally regarded as one of the stronger men in wrestling, the Iron Sheik was the man Hulk Hogan had to beat to become famous.

The Sheik also coached our team in Munich, and the Black September people would have just knocked on the next door had only the Sheik been visiting the Israeli team that fateful morning.

None of that really matters here, though. This is a drunken guy with a taste for cocaine, bad-mouthing his former co-workers on a cable TV show in heavily-Persian-accented English. There will be some Profanity issues for some of our nicer readers if they watch this clip. The Sheik threatens to break people's backs and sodomize them, though he doesn't phrase it as delicately as I do.

Drunken Iron Sheik interviews are a You Tube staple, but I'd be amazed if there's one out there as awful as this one... although this one is close... YouTube - Iron Sheik praises intelligent Jews.

Old timers will appreciate the Classy Freddie Blassie cameo, and wrestling scholars will note that the Iron Sheik may have been the one to invent the term "Jabroni."

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My favorite Christian Children's Heavy Metal Band.. YouTube - Trampled Underfoot Practice Session. They need a drummer, but God Shall Provide. They have a drum set, but at the moment it's just a camera stand. They're comin' straight outta Ogden, Utah.

They're not named after YouTube - Trampled Under Foot by Led Zeppelin (Page rules, incidentally). While I didn't ask, I'm assuming that they are named after "Jerusalem shall be trampled under foot by the Gentiles," which is Jesus speaking in Luke 21-24b. Many Christians see this as Jesus calling the re-taking of Jerusalem by the Israeli Satiric Wrestling League in the Six Day War of 1967.

Either that, or it's Orwell... referring to the Oceania/Eastasia throwdown. "There was a riotous interlude while posters were ripped from the walls, banners torn to shreds and trampled underfoot." They spell their band like the Orwell line.

I was gonna ask, in the band's comment section... but I had to know about the lack of a drummer, first.

I ate the lobster, and then I ate his tail

Barlow's Clam Shack, Rte 6, Bournedale... 

Now... I moved here as a child, from a very foreign place with a language I had already picked up.

Still, I took to speaking English well, and today prefer speaking English to French... it's more emphatic, and generally gets the job done better than a Romance language. American slang is far more enjoyable as well, which leads to today's discussion.

After finally adjusting to English, circumstance led me all over the country in my quest for knowledge and marital bliss. I wasn't very far removed from New England when I noticed that no one else in the country uses "wicked" as an adverb.

Simply put.... in 98% of this country,"wicked"  means "evil"... except in New England, where it means "very."

There's little written on it, and maybe I'm the only one who notices this phenomena... but the closest I heard to "wicked" in my travels was the southern usage of "hella" and "dang," and the hip-hop use of the vulgarity "f*cking"... with "f*cking" also being used to modify an adjective.

I've had a student describe Hitler as "wicked wicked" once, and I only corrected him about the redundancy of it. I consider the rest of the country to be wrong about how "wicked" should be used, and teach so in my classrooms.

I'm correct to do so: Dictionary - AOL Research & Learn.. "Main Entry: ²wicked
Function: adverb... "very," "extremely"

Regardless... while most of the country views the sign pictured above as an oxymoron, I instantly knew that it was a local place run by local people. I was drawn to it immediately. While I'm not into lobster that much, I did have Lobster Tails ice cream, which was more in line with what I needed on that particular afternoon.

It was wicked f***ing good, too. Hella.

'like George the Animal

"Never forbid what you lack the power to prevent."

I'll be hard to find this week/end, but I wouldn't leave you without quality entertainment.

Here's a guy who Gluttony probably should have polished off in 1986 or so, performing what I feel should be the Cape's official Regional Anthem.

YouTube - Mountain - Leslie West & Corky Laing - Nantucket Sleighride

 Duxbury High School used to wax the gym floors in the spring, for some reason. Ideally, this would be conducted when gym classes could be held outdoors. Mother Nature is no idealist, though... and when it was too rainy to run us around outside, we'd get stuffed in the mini-gym to watch Coach Dellorco's video collection.

I can recall the Miracle on Ice tape, the 1972 gold medal basketball game, and 1978 one-game Sox-Yankees playoff nightmare. The gem of his collection has made it onto You Tube, though

YouTube - Marvin Hagler VS Thomas Hearns

 While watching this Masterpiece Of Mayhem, take note of the ref work of Richard Steele, the microphone pwnage of Al Micheals, and the crowd of Romans howling like mad.

But the stars here are the terrifying Detroit Hitman and the Marvelous Brockton home slice who knocks him smooth the uck fout.

This, and maybe Iran Barkley/Roberto Duran, is about the best I've seen. Ali/Frazier was third, although You Tube does Ali no justice.

Finally...

I hate when this happens, and it's 100% why I don't go on boats:

YouTube - Hammerhead ate my Tarpon

My style broke mother lovin' backs like Ken Patera

Back in the saddle, beating other bloggers like I had a paddle....

 I done did a little travelling recently, mostly related to our house in Maine. Never hire French-Canadian roofers. If Moses had hired francais labor, there'd be an 11th Commandment... and if you actually read the Code Of Hammurabi, there are sections devoted to shoddy construction, punishable by death.

The Code Of Hammurabi was carved into rock, so you know they were only taking serious applicants for admission. The eye-for-an-eye here was that the carpenter was to have the dwelling collapsed upon him- no mean feat when everything was made of stone.

 While I don't want anyone Collapsed, I have missed my little friend Miss Blog here, and we have two important matters to discuss 'fore I head off to get some ice cream.

 A) Randy Moss

B) Roger Clemens

Randy Moss is a 6'5" burner who can match a cheetah stride for stride for 50 yards. He's gathered scores of touchdowns in his career, which featured the Patriots refusing to move up to get him in the draft so they could stay where they were and select Tebucky Jones.

Randy- who played with Troy Brown at Marshall- had an entourage following him when he was 19 years old. When asked to state something positive about Moss, his college coach says "Let me tell you what a nice boy Troy Brown is." I'm not making that up.

Randy also smokes enough weed that his arrival in Massachusetts drove down Cape Cod marijuana prices. He's left the field before the game was over. He's mooned a crowd of 75,000. He has an afro you could hide a child in. He went to Oakland last year and dogged it to the point where they gave him to us for a 4th round pick.

Time heals all wounds, though... and there aren't 5 guys on the planet with his particular combination of speed and height... and we have the one with the best hands.

The QB throwing to Moss last year wasn't that more effective than sending out a short French girl who sort of pushes the ball at him because she can't get her fingers around the laces. I could get more than 5 touchdowns throwing to Moss, and I'm sure Randy has already ejaculated over the thought of playing with Tom Brady. If all works out, they may be each other's favorite person by October, 2007.

As for least favorite people, the Spankees managed to ink Roger Clemens to an abominable contract for this summer and beyond. Roger comes to the AL East with the express purpose of saving the league's big ticket franchise. NY could afford the man, and money makes the world go 'round, kids...

 Roger is 45, but that's only like 32 in Texan years. You know he's throwing smoke, and you know the Yankees are going to mount a furious charge right around the time we figure out that our zillion dollar Jap fireballer isn't up to snuff. I've seen it too many times already not to see it coming now.

I'm already preparing myself mentally for this inevitability, although I may have to get a night job if things are really, really ugly in early September. Children shouldn't see their parents cry.

Of course... I was present the last time the Sox bats went after Rocket Rog.... the 2004 All Star Game... and both Big Papi and Super Manny beat his ass bad enough to be able to command Newports for it in prison. Right in his hometown, too... in one of his previous retirement tours. I loved it.

You know that burned his ass, and he'll be screaming for vengeance off that mound like Nolan Ryan Jr. this summer.

No worries. It's not as much fun winning the pennant against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or whatever the hell they call themselves these days. I want Yankee blood on my hands while i enjoy my World Series victory beer. Eff them. Go sign Mo Vaughn, too... it doesn't matta.

We will sail in the Bay of their Misery.

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