Cape Cod Sports Desk

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from all of us at EOB to you and yours!

Season's Beatings!

 In a cost-cutting move, Santa ditched the reindeer team and delivers all of his presents via the Slam Dunk.

Instead of  reindeer hooves on your roof... the only sound you'll hear is the approaching smackSmackSMACK of Santa dribbling your present and throwing down on your chimney.

Don't worry about milk and cookies.... Santa has plenty of Venison.

In related news... everyone on Earth is getting a basketball this year.

If Kobe Claus isn't enough for you... why not get a 4 story Ohio State Buckeye football lineman?

Silently set it up overnight, then watch your wife's face as she looks out the bedroom window into a bunghole that one could drive a Denali into! After she's done berating you, you can go out into the street and face the contempt of your neighbors.

If Dan Ackroyd went to Michigan or USC, this is how Ghostbusters would have ended.

(pics courtesy of Chris Mottram at The Sporting News, who got them from Elsewhere)

Bonus! A better quality video of  "All I Wanted Was A Skateboard"... fromMusicJesus.com,nonetheless.

Super Deluxe All I Wanted Was A Skateboard Music Video Code by MusicJesus

"You Oughta Heard My Momma Sing Silent Niiiiiiiiight"

I thought I'd share some of my favoritest Christmas songs with you before I head out to do Evil.

YouTube - PO' FOLKS CHRISTMAS / BILL ANDERSON... This is probably my favorite Christmas song... which is funny, because I live in Duxbury and I'm going to Vassar next year. I must have some poor ancestors, and this song must speak to some deep genetic soul I have that never quite forgets where it came from.

Yeah... probably not. That's why I'm not majoring in Psych or Bio.

MySpace.com - Done Lying Down - London, UK - Punk / Grunge / Indie - www.myspace.com/donelyingdown... On that page somewhere can be found "Christmas Shoplifting," which is also my favorite Christmas song. I love them all equally, you see.

 If you call WBCN in Boston and request this song on Christmas Eve, 'BCN program director Oedipus laughs and tells you that the guy who sings it is now a bartender in Allston. "I'm heading down there this week... he'll be thrilled that someone asked to hear it. It's been 10-15 years since someone last requested it."

YouTube - Snoop Dogg - Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto... "Santa Claus on the ceiling, Jack Frost chillin', pinch the Grinch for bein' a holiday villain." Probably the only Snoop Dogg song that old people will like.... We plan to test this on Solon Economics,or whoever that CCTimes old guy is.

Eazy E does a Christmas rap song as well, but his is XXX. Most of it is a hardcore version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.""I used to believe in Saint Nick back when Elvis was alive/but all that BS got played when I was 5." We'll save that one for when we need it.

YouTube - All I Wanted was a Skateboard Super Deluxe... After hearing this song, I ceased buying sweaters for people... even my brother,who needs some. There is no bigger buzzkill than getting clothes when you want a toy.

Anyone reading this who actually knows me offline...I gladly accept sweaters, but they'd better be GOOD sweaters. Don't come at EOB with that knitted-it-yourself looking  sh*t. 

YouTube - Christmas Lights - Peanuts Theme.. some dude synched his Christmas lights up to "Linus and Lucy," which isn't-but-sorta-is a Christmas song. The lights flash to the beat of the song, you see... no doubt to the continual delight of his neighbors, as well.

This was also the very first song I ever learned to play on my piano.

He Who Would Be King

Here's my history class essay, due Monday...

 The Best Americans Who Were Never President

Some got smoked, some cashed their own check, some never cared for the job, some just never had the time... but here are a few people from History who should have had 4-8 years running Les Etats-Unis.

Not all of these choices would be Good..but they would all be Great, in the sense that people might describe an explosion or a plague as being "great." At least we'd have been entertained, and that's what it really comes down to once you cross the Is and dot the Ts.

There are generals, pols, businessmen, natural leaders, con artists,visionaries, and men of great style on this list. It's just one girl's view, so let the debate begin!

George Patton

Think of all the Cold War money we would have saved if we nuked Stalin in 1945. It would also have been funny to see the Presidency run from a tank heading east across the Ukraine.

Tell me this guy wouldn't have won like 5 straight terms if he wasn't killed (murdered?) in a very,very shady Jeep accident. If he were alive today, he could STILL kick most of our asses.

Well.. yours, maybe. It's my essay. I pretty much snap the necks and cash the checks around here. Remember that when you're grading me. 

Benjamin Franklin

He did most of the heavy lifting required of the job, was well-respected both in American and European political circles, bled red, white, and blue, and is still viewed as one of the more intelligent men of a great era.

He's also on the $100 bill. 22% of Americans surveyed believe he was the President once. Every state has a town named after him, and every town has a street named after him. His recent Freemasons commercials were a big cross-demographic success. He'd campaign much like Perot did-as a quirky but effective outsider- and I'd bet that he'd be big on the Internet.

The fact that George Washington once never said "I'm not a homosexual... but if I had to let one man f***me, it would most likely be Benjamin Franklin" pretty much quells the debate,as far as I'm concerned.

Martin Luther King

MLK had the charisma, if nothing else. Those speeches he made were simply magic, and maybe he could have brought us all together if he didn't get moped out at a Motel 6 by some redneck whacko.

There's no Thomas Jefferson or FDR Day. Most kids couldn't tell you who Frederick Douglass or Eugene Debs were. Even the Great Emancipator sort of got shafted out of his holiday.

MLK has moved past all of them, in his own way. With the glorious 20/20 that is hindsight, I can say that History has given him all the props that a President needs. He just never held the office.

Alexander Hamilton

He's most famous for either the $20 or for getting smoked, but he was there for all the Founding Fathers stuff, and most likely would have had his turn driving if Aaron Burr wasn't so easily offended.

Even if you go to Harvard, kids... learn how to handle a firearm. It's better to be tried by twelve than carried by six. 

Donald Trump

 I don't know if he'd scare the Red Chinese, but he probably could have won in the 1980s if he somehow could have snuck past Bush I into the Dukakis election.

The hidden bonus here would have been when his clotheshorse wife started redesigning the White House. The Lincoln Bedroom probably needed a faux gilded waterfall, anyhow.

Don King

"Only In America" would be a great slogan, and what says "American Dream" better  than a guy coming off a manslaughter bid to rule the Free World? It's sort of anti-recidivism, with really cool hair. Most of us are here because we flunked out of Europe, and King would speak to that Boy Made Good in all of our hearts.

Vice President Tyson would just be the beginning of what could potentially go wrong here. The temporary relocation of the White House to Caesar's Palace would be a nice way to keep future students awake in history class.

Also, the election that produced President Don King would be studied for centuries.. most likely even on other planets, once we made inter-galactic contact with other civilizations.

Metacom

If things broke just a little differently in King Phillip's War.. and we're talking a tribal alliance here and a bit of bad military work there... this little blip of a man in our history books may indeed have been the leader of a powerful Indian confederation that moved down and attacked Virginia after clearing the crackers out of Massachusetts.

From there, it would be off to the west to deal with the Apache/Sioux/etc.. who would most likely hitch their wagons to the juggernaut if they had any idea what was good for them. The Spanish would be easy pickings at that point. If they could figure out how to grow and trade tobacco or cotton, they might even be in the UN right now.

The line between "American Genghis Khan" and "had his head chopped off and displayed on a pole outside Plymouth" is often thinner than you think. I even personally believe it was close in a DNA/ancestor/land bridge sense.

 Robert E.Lee

Pretty much the same deal as Metacom, except that it involves a Pickett's Charge breakthrough, a march on Washington, a Union thrown into chaos, a Confederate military dictatorship, maybe a Napoleon III invasion to bring us together under the strongest army... and it all spirals down to where we have an all-white Olympic basketball team that loses to Angola a lot... and no one is very much surprised.

While it probably wouldn't have broken down this way, it would be funny seeing James Longstreet on the $50 bill, and Bo + Luke Duke fleeing from the police in their "General Meade" car. Rap music would most likely suck, though...

Douglas MacArthur

A lot of people today fail to see that it's all eventually going to come down to the USA and China fighting it out somewhere. Dougie Mack saw it all too clearly in 1950. What would have come of us taking on China then? Sure, they kicked us down to Pusan, but we killed them by the bushel-basket. I wonder how many of their cities we'd have to incinerate before they tapped out of a Sino-American war?

I'll tell you this... if I'm fighting a billion Chinese, I'd rather do it when I have nuclear bombs and they don't. Also note that the Japanese had been kicking the sh*t out of them before WWII, and we beat the Japs into economy-car-manufacturing subservience. We'd also have a Taiwan to mess with them with.

Once we polished off China,we could turn on the Middle East and take all their oil... then it'd be us vs.the Martians in 2187 AD.

Wars aside...the Truman/MacArthur campaign would be the nastiest feud eva. Shaq/Kobe or Hatfield/McCoy would look like an orgy next to a Harry/Doug throwdown.

Helen Keller

Blind, deaf,and du...er, socialist.

Socialism was big in her day,and she would probably be the most sympathetic of the candidates that the Reds could have run at the time. It's a longshot, but nothing has surprised me since the 2004 World Series.

Al Capone

America wants booze more than law, and Al Dope Capone rolls over Hoover or whoever is ballsy enough to campaign against the anti-Prohibition "Al Have Another."

I'd put it as even money that Hitler would have de-anschlussed Austria and un-occuppied the Rhine if US President Al Capone made some sort of public gesture demonstrating his displeasure regarding the matter. The converse of this is pretty much why I wouldn't vote for Hillary.

Al Dope Capone

A few sports notes, 'cause suckers gots to know.

But before I start... I just got my nails done. This results in my typing lightly,as I don't want to mess anything up. The column suffers for that, especially when I go for the space bar. Deal (v).

This,and the fact that I'm sort of wimpy, is why the Mitchell Steroid Report failed to cite this column for our wanton abuse of blogging enhancing drugs. Plenty of columnists smoke a joint or drink a slow bourbon when they write, but we here in the Bay jab HGH right into our f***ing medullas when we need that extra creative boost. I'm just a kid, but Stacey was typing at 397 wpm before she began to fall apart physically last summer.

I'm torn seeing Roger Clemens on that Mitchell list. Granted... Roger sucked the bag during his last seasons with us, before going elsewhere and becoming dominant in his old age. That raises flags like a harbormaster.

On the other hand... Roger merely maintained (or regained) his abilities after his alleged drug use began. That's a little disappointing to me... I'd like to see someone throw a 196 mph fastball, and I don't care if he's eating PCP with both hands as he's doing it. If steroids are such a big deal, I'd at least like to see some superhuman performances before the government gets involves and f***s everything up.

In the future, there will be perfectly safe substances that will mimic the effects that steroids give some of today's ballplayers. When that day comes, people will look back on Bonds and Clemens as trailblazers. The numbers will even themselves out, especially if the pitchers use the drugs with the same intensity as the batters do. Mr. 140 MPH Fastball, meet Mr. 650 Pound Bench Press.

Celebrities are disposable, and society is weakened when one particular celebrity gets too powerful. They don't try as hard, we get used to a weaker product.. and the next thing you know, the Red Chinese take Taiwan back. We fall prey to our lower standards.

That's why I want my celebrities to rise fast , fly high, burn out quickly and crash spectacularly. It reaffirms my faith in the system,and raises the bar for the next generation. I was pleased when Britney Spears' kid sister got knocked up... right when Spears A got tired, Spears B stepped in and the franchise kept moving forward.

Personally, I think Clemens should be villified more for his headhunting than his steroid use. You can hurt someone throwing 95 mph at his head, whereas your steroid use hurts only you and Curt Schilling's legacy. I'd also be tempted to call Rocket out on dogging it during his last years with the Sox, but that's a slippery slope when "dogging it" might mean "hadn't begun to abuse HGH yet."

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

To get you in the holiday spirit,we'll now hit you off with a little Chaunakkuh talk with Kobe Bryant, Lebron James,and Ron Artest. None of them are Jewish, although Kobe and Artest had Jewish lawyers for their trials (Rape and Multiple Aggravated Assaults, respectively). Sit back and enjoy some kosher NBA goodness. Kobe, LeBron, Artest Talk Hanukkah « Jen’s Free Throws

Just in time for Christmas, here's Alvin and the Chipmunks doing a cover of Drowning Pool's hard rock classic YouTube - Chipmunks: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor by Drowning Pool

Top Ten Worst Names in Sports - Sports is pretty good,although they neglected to include former Celtic assistant coach Dick Harter and Phil Atio, who plays free safety for one of the UMasses.

YouTube - Justin Timberlake - It's My Dick In A Box!! (it won an Emmy)...  kickass SNL skit,although I can;'t find the edited TV version with the actual video. If someone at CCToday knows how to edit the link so it isn't X Rated, feel free.

Jack Daniels nipping at your nose...

We had to try photographing this dude's yard in the daytime.

Santa likes when people donate to Toys For Tots... and if you fail to, he pulls up on his bike and beats your ass with a stocking full of coal.

All of Santa's bikes are named after the reindeer. This one is "Blitzen."

You thought we were kidding about the coal, didn't you? Nope.

Here's Buzzard Bay's first real snow of the winter.

Santa rents out his train (which looks mysteriously like someone got clever with a riding lawnower) to Mazzilli's Farm Stand, and they take it around the building if you show up with enough kids. Not a problem with this semi Catholic family...

Santa also covers the bills by selling the occassional shed....

... or posing for Stacey's Merchant Marine Santa lamp.

Stockings for Gabby, Melissa, Stacey, the Colonel... and Sloppy.

I'm told that I'm getting one, although I want to see it before I stop sulking.

We weren't joking when we told you about Stacey's lighthouse obsession. Here's her Christmas stocking.

I want to say it's a Phallic Symbol thing, but I'd hate to have to fight her before Christmas.

These look cool IRL. Little presents, all lit up... or my blurry photograph.

I like this one. The tree is a Scotch Pine, in pale blue lighting... photographed through a window.

I only took home 4 or so of these.

Stacey's cottage is on Lite Brite Blvd.

Surfing The Apocalypse

Hola, Gringoes!

Elle here.. and note that this column is the only column anywhere that has a babysitter.

• Yes, I know where Stacey is.
• No, I'm not telling... I'll leave that to her.
• Yes, it's bad.

It's not something we made up, like when her head exploded. It's not something bad that we can play for laughs once the painkillers kick in, like when she rode her bicycle off the mountain. It's flat-out ugly. She can probably wring laughs from it, but my kung-fu isn't up to that level yet.

In fact, logging on as Monponsett and trying to be funny at the moment just feels wrong- kind of like dressing hot for a wake. I'm doing it for three reasons.

1. Her kids are asleep, and I'm bored. I'd go into the wine cellar, but I have to drive myself home once the Colonel gets back.
2. I know that she hates when her column lies unattended.
3. If I don't do it, Abdullah is doing it. Abdullah can't type.

Enough preamble. Let's strap on some road flares and wander into the campaign office of NFL betting.
___________

Dallas 37, Green Bay 27

You can still bet this game if you have a blonde bookie.

Carolina 17, San Francisco 14

 If Hillary Clinton had her campaign office in North Carolina, there's a good chance that Andy and Barney would have stormed the place and took the dude out with like 24 shots to the face from the ol' service revolvers. Andy looks pretty laid back whenever I see him on the reruns, but those Southerners have a temper about them.

Buffalo 24, Washington 21

I was going to pick Washington to win the game in memory of their fallen comrade Sean Taylor, but Buffalo RB Marshawn Lynch has a blog that kicks enough ass to cause me to root against the Gipper boys.... Marshawn Lynch's Blog: Running Back for the Buffalo Bills

Tennessee 14, Houston 13

"Tennessee Houston" sounds like a playwright. "Houston Tennessee" sounds like a stripper. Unfortunately, I wrote Tennessee first, so I'm choosing them.

St. Louis 28, Atlanta 24

I just now thought of describing Stacey's situation as "bad, like turning-up-in-Cape-Wide-News bad," but that paragrapgh is big enough.

Philly 20, Seattle 19

I doubt that Seattle will eschew the running game against Philthydelphia like the Pats did, but Philly deserves a win after that loss of erectile funtion they suffered late in the Pats game that was otherwise a masterpiece for them.

I'm pretty sure that's a run-on sentence, but we're in crisis mode here at the Compound.

Minnesota 17, Detroit 13

The greatest Michigan athlete ever is Tom Brady. The second greatest is Scott Steiner. Check this classic mush-mouthed promo, which features quotes like "I only care about two things- my freaks and my peaks," "when I go behind, and do the bump and grind, it's only a matter of time... before you call me 'the Big Bad Booty Daddy'...." and "I'm gonna get you back for fractioning my face."....... YouTube - Best Poppa Pump Promo EVER!  Size does matter, bitch!

Stacey has dozens of these bookmarked in her Favorites section on AOL. If she dies, we can produce various and multiple post-Stacey columns just by sorting through her junk. She's sort of like a much less threatening Tupac. You just need me to do Stacey-like things... like use dots (...) to indicate a pause in her speech, and ending declarative statements with "no?"

Indy 38, Jacksonville 28

I go to Duxbury High School, which is located in a fairly wealthy town. When field hockey games got heated and the trash-talking started, we were quick to use taunts like "I just got accepted into Cornell," or "I live in a $850,000 house"... especially against rival urban schools. This game is sort of the polar opposite of that... no matter who wins, someone's going to Dairy Queen.

San Diego 38, Kansas City 21

Charger LB Steve Foley got shot like twice as many times as Sean Taylor did- by a presumably well-trained cop, I might add- and while he's not back on the field or anything....

Miami 21, NY Jets 20

This Stupor Bowl is Miami's best chance to dodge that 0-16 staring down their throat.

Denver 21, Oakland 10

Oakland has the son of Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch running the ball, which saves them from the 2 TD spread I was going to Whammy them with.

Arizona 14, Cleveland 13

Kurt Warner fumbling in the end zone last week was the worst choke job since John Bonham drank 40 triple vodkas and then slept on his back.

New Orleans 23. Tampa Bay 18

I'm basically picking Chocolate City because I have their baseball hat.

NY Giants 24, Chicago 19

If a Saudi madman took hostages at an Illinois campaign headquarters, it would be an Obama/Osama Drama.

Pittsburgh 22. Cincy 21

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you watch.

New England 17, Baltimore 15

I'm told that the field will resemble Mud Stew, which tends to keep the scores down.