Cape Cod Sports Desk

Al Dope Capone

A few sports notes, 'cause suckers gots to know.

But before I start... I just got my nails done. This results in my typing lightly,as I don't want to mess anything up. The column suffers for that, especially when I go for the space bar. Deal (v).

This,and the fact that I'm sort of wimpy, is why the Mitchell Steroid Report failed to cite this column for our wanton abuse of blogging enhancing drugs. Plenty of columnists smoke a joint or drink a slow bourbon when they write, but we here in the Bay jab HGH right into our f***ing medullas when we need that extra creative boost. I'm just a kid, but Stacey was typing at 397 wpm before she began to fall apart physically last summer.

I'm torn seeing Roger Clemens on that Mitchell list. Granted... Roger sucked the bag during his last seasons with us, before going elsewhere and becoming dominant in his old age. That raises flags like a harbormaster.

On the other hand... Roger merely maintained (or regained) his abilities after his alleged drug use began. That's a little disappointing to me... I'd like to see someone throw a 196 mph fastball, and I don't care if he's eating PCP with both hands as he's doing it. If steroids are such a big deal, I'd at least like to see some superhuman performances before the government gets involves and f***s everything up.

In the future, there will be perfectly safe substances that will mimic the effects that steroids give some of today's ballplayers. When that day comes, people will look back on Bonds and Clemens as trailblazers. The numbers will even themselves out, especially if the pitchers use the drugs with the same intensity as the batters do. Mr. 140 MPH Fastball, meet Mr. 650 Pound Bench Press.

Celebrities are disposable, and society is weakened when one particular celebrity gets too powerful. They don't try as hard, we get used to a weaker product.. and the next thing you know, the Red Chinese take Taiwan back. We fall prey to our lower standards.

That's why I want my celebrities to rise fast , fly high, burn out quickly and crash spectacularly. It reaffirms my faith in the system,and raises the bar for the next generation. I was pleased when Britney Spears' kid sister got knocked up... right when Spears A got tired, Spears B stepped in and the franchise kept moving forward.

Personally, I think Clemens should be villified more for his headhunting than his steroid use. You can hurt someone throwing 95 mph at his head, whereas your steroid use hurts only you and Curt Schilling's legacy. I'd also be tempted to call Rocket out on dogging it during his last years with the Sox, but that's a slippery slope when "dogging it" might mean "hadn't begun to abuse HGH yet."

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

To get you in the holiday spirit,we'll now hit you off with a little Chaunakkuh talk with Kobe Bryant, Lebron James,and Ron Artest. None of them are Jewish, although Kobe and Artest had Jewish lawyers for their trials (Rape and Multiple Aggravated Assaults, respectively). Sit back and enjoy some kosher NBA goodness. Kobe, LeBron, Artest Talk Hanukkah « Jen’s Free Throws

Just in time for Christmas, here's Alvin and the Chipmunks doing a cover of Drowning Pool's hard rock classic YouTube - Chipmunks: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor by Drowning Pool

Top Ten Worst Names in Sports - Sports is pretty good,although they neglected to include former Celtic assistant coach Dick Harter and Phil Atio, who plays free safety for one of the UMasses.

YouTube - Justin Timberlake - It's My Dick In A Box!! (it won an Emmy)...  kickass SNL skit,although I can;'t find the edited TV version with the actual video. If someone at CCToday knows how to edit the link so it isn't X Rated, feel free.