Cape Cod Sports Desk

Death Or Taxes

The upcoming Super Bowl between New England and New York has me more than a bit worried.

I don't doubt that New England will administer a sugarcane-plantation-overseer whipping on the Giants... 18-0 is 18-0. No... what I fear is something that will reach beyond the game and throttle us all. I'll leave the point-spread stuff to the babysitter, who can't be tried as an adult yet.

I've never been that religious, but I do believe that all things fit into some greater Big Picture that no one truly understands. The eternal mystery is beyond our understanding, but it still manifests itself in patterns that can be seen and exploited by people who actively look for these sort of things.

What I see worries me. What I see is the Super Bowl as allegory... Boston vs New York... the symbolic representation of the upcoming Romney/Clinton race for the White House.

Sure... Hillary is no New Yorker, and Mitt may never set foot in Massachusetts again now that it is of no further use to him.... but it could very well be the Governor of Massachusetts against the Senator from New York this fall.

A literal Plastic Man, with a strange religion and maybe 3% of a personality... against a woman who is best known as a duped First Lady. Neither of them have a decade of elected political experience. You can argue that both of them sucked at the only political jobs they had... and most likely resented having to take said jobs.

The two politicians standing between Romney/Clinton are:

A) a POW who seems to have followed a  strategy of outliving all the other serious GOP candidates(quite predictable,considering the Nam time), and who most likely wants to kill everyone who is selling him out for the Mormon-come-lately... especially now that the winner of the nomination process gets to run against a Woman or a Black.

B) Our first serious Black candidate, who is hindered by the fact that his name rhymes with that of our most notorious criminal ever. Also... my babysitter-who has been elected Class President four times- has been in politics longer than Barack Obama has been.

Mitzy- who should have McCain figuring out and exploiting the fact that he kind of looks like a p***y- will have to campaign on a straight Nazi ticket just to get nominated, let alone capture the Bush vote... while Hillary will have to promise to carry every poor child from the cradle to the grave.

It's quite literally like having to choose between War and Famine. It also paints a Boston sports fan into a corner... you either get President Romney, or New York beats Boston at something and symbolically ends our domination of the Rotten Apple (and the tax-f**king commences). The GOP then starts to groom Jeb for 2012.

 After the Sox take the 2008 World Series, it'll all be downhill. Enjoy the last days.

The Fourth Reich

Sittin'on the Buzz-ards Bay...wasting time til Super Bowl day-ay-ayyyyyy

Props to Walter, for hooking us up with a link to this video of Der Fuhrer going ballistic over the Cowboy's loss.... Blitzkrieg?

Some people get what they deserve.... YouTube - Old Lady VS. Jerk in Mercedes

 Hitler, Mercedes... and now, Chessboxing.... we're very Germanic today, for such a French-driven website....  OPEN GERMAN CHAMPIONSHIPS 2008

Play with your life... then play with it again....YouTube - 322 Feet Motorcycle Jump, New Year's 2008, Robbie Maddison... note that Evel Knievel landed on a ramp about 5 feet wide, while this "p*ssy" only had to hit the literal broad side of a mountain.

Speaking of being a p*ssy.... How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight?.... According to this site, I can take 27, although my rating was swollen by A) my stated willingness to both kill and to use a 5 yearold child's body as a weapon and B) the fact that-mostly when I was teaching- I was involved in dozens of fights.

Elle... who is 17,  is able to beat me when we fight (although the fights are fairly even before we tip over)....so 3.5 (roughly Elle's age divided by 5) seems like a more reasonable guesstimate.

I had a student (18 yo) who lost a fight to a gang of 10 year olds in Southie. "I was doing all right," he said, "until I stepped off the curb and fell. Then, they were all over me."

I'm just waiting til the right moment to go beat on my friend Jersey Joe's blog,  as it supports those despicable NY Football Giants......Big Blue Notes

Arachnids and drugs... how do LSD, booze, cocaine, caffeine, or marijuana alter the web-building capabilities of a wood spider? ....UnCut Video - Now Playing "Crack Spider

Finally... a collection of ground-breaking professional wrestling interview/promo segments (above on right).... I Can't Help It If I Can- Whooo- Dance All Night Long

Not Sleeping... Waiting

Two weeks (or half of a moon cycle, for all our casino-developing friends) to kill before the big Bowl of Soup!

It's tempting to just start lashing out at that big sewer 270 miles to our southwest. They're loud, ugly, dangerous, and deserve whatever we do to them. My 9/11 sympathy for La Grande Pomme evaporated during the 2003 ALCS.

There's other stuff going on. The Bruins win more than they lose, and have the upper hand in the battle for the final playoff spot. The Celtics have 7 losses this year...at the exact same time last year, they were losing 18 straight. They have not-one-but-TWO legitimate MVP candidates. The BC hoop squad trails only Duke and UNC in the ACC.

But for two weeks, the focus will be football.

I just may ease into it. Hating the Rotten Apple.... hatred in general... is not a sprint, but is rather an endurance event. You don't want to blow yourself out too early, because it weakens your ability to Hate at the time when Hatred is most needed.

Most non-sociopaths sort of cycle between relatively apathetic like and dislike. Sports fans act in more pathological ways. I could probably joke about a Giants-specific Ebola outbreak, maybe 4 seconds after the news came to me. If someone told me that Plaxico Burress just broke his leg rescuing orphans and puppies from a terrorist, I'd be like "Sweet!"... then I'd immediately call the bookie.

Someone as disturbed as myself- and there are perhaps hundreds of thousands of us just in Massachusetts alone- stands a very real chance of exhausting the Hatred too early. You end up cycling out of the Hatred and saying things like "Wow... Manning sure has made great strides this year." You soften.

We won't fall for that kind of stuff here. That's why we're just explaining our modus operandi, so that readers won't think we've lost our edge.

Coming soon....

- The Manning Curse Explained

- NFC= Junior Varsity

- Why New York Deserved The Cloverfield Monster Rampage

- You Don't Put Tomato In Clam Chowder, Morons

- The Wonderful Eccentricities Of  Tom Coughlin (you'll think these are all fake, but some of them will be true... I may actually make a game out of the idea)

- Silliest Names Of Giant Players

- Video Coverage

- Point Spread Analysis

... you know... the whole 9.

As for today.... just a few minor matters of interest:

YouTube - Duxbury field hockey fights back, gains tie... your favorite babysitter pops up on this video a few times, although I don't get any goals or injure anybody. Note that one doesn't want video of one's self scoring anywhere on these here Internets.

Random YouTube Magic: P.K. & the Kid - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog... the Boss is also nationally known. Check the shot-calling aimed at Monponsett in this piece from AOL Fanhouse.

Tales of Game's Studios Presents Chef Boyardee's Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden...former NBA star Charles Barkley has a new video game out, dealing with the B-Ballnacht, an oppression of ballers following the Chaos Jam of 2041 AD that killed 15 million New Yorkers. Look closely, and you'll see CB talking some ship to Larry Legend.

YouTube - Falmouth Girls Hockey vs Barnstable.... Getting chilly on ice with two local squads of muckers and grinders.... Barnstable eliminated my field hockey team from the tournament, so go Falmouth! No 5 Hole jokes, please....

Cape Cod Frenzy... our local ABA franchise is sitting out the 2007-2008 season, because they want a permanent venue. They want the  Hyannis Recreation Facility currently being built on the old JFK rink, and they deserve it. Also, logging onto that page hooks you up with the only Cape Cod rap song ever made.

Peep the sweet logo!

Chortle...

OK.... exhale

The Patriots made it to the Super Bowl, Elle came out ahead for the weekend/season, and we head into the Big Kahuna ready to bathe in the blood of our enemies.

How sweet-sweet-sweet it is that our foes this year are the New York Football Giants! With (c)Indy and Sandy out of the way, it's hard to generate a good deal of hatred for anyone else in the NFL. Only one thing could save that..... Noo Yawk.

First off... Boston and New York both know the deal. If the British come... if Europe is being slaughtered.... if the South rebels.... if the Sioux get uppity.... we'll work together, and do so well. History proves this. The Afghanistan and Iraq Wars are sort of what happens when you steal planes from Boston and crash them into New York. You bring us together, and we kick a lot of ass.

Otherwise, we're the two big dogs that sort of run the Northeast. They're bigger...but we have the better views. We fight all the time. We only stop fighting each other to fight someone crazy enough to interrupt our fight... kind of like two really mean brothers in a small town.

It's not War. Maybe not even pure Hatred, although maybe so in some cases. We do business together. We cut canals through Capes to do business together. We've all been to the Apple... the Carnegie Deli, Rockefeller Square, 42nd St., Times Square, Madison Square Garden, the Museum, etc.... and it seems like every single one of them has rented a house on Cape Cod and cluttered our highways.

The best part? We like it that way. They hate us, we hate them... it all sort of balances out, and the center holds.

Now... New England vs. New York in the Super Bowl. Couldn't'a' worked out betta!

There are plenty of old folks left in Massachusetts who rooted for the Giants back in the day, before we had our own NFL team. Many of us cheered the Namath-era Jets when they repped our upstart AFL. Plenty of our neighbors are New Yorkers who retired here, and still love their old team.

We'll forget about the punk Manning brother for a minute. We'll ignore the fact that the Boston teams are usually the underdog, and the NY team is generally the juggernaut. We won't mention that we already whooped that ass once this year. We'll even resist the urge to brag about that ndefeateduay easonsay. No need to mention or even yet begin to ponder that nice, fat 2 touchdown spread.

No.. today we'll just thank the Sports Gods. They gave us a doozy.

We have two weeks to get into the other stuff. For now... a nice New England/New York throwdown. Get those misleading directions ready, Cape Cod.

Gettin' Ready To Kill

Pregame Pats Warm Up Stuff

 (Editors note: While not overconfident in any way... I just now finished a lobster-for-cheese bet with a Green Bay Packers blogger I know.

I  (well, Walter, actually) will have Eastwind Lobster of Wareham mail him some lobbies if the Pats lose, and he'll have somebody mail me like 10-20 pounds of fine Wisconsin cheese when the Pats win yet another Super Bowl.

Like Danny Ainge said when asked if playing cards with McHale and Parish was a violation of his Mormon beliefs against gambling...."It's not really gambling when I play with these guys."

If Green Bay chokes today, I may serve the Wisconsin cheese and brats at my Super Bowl party.)

Gotta warm the crowd up first.... why not leave it to the widely-recognized blue-eyed soul of the Russian Special Forces?

YouTube - Spetsnaz Rap

Wait a minute...Ivan doesn't represent the Patriots in MY world, sucka! Here's a patriotic rapper, who left a lucrative tour to enlist after 9-11.

YouTube - canibus army freestyle

You have to get in a few raps before the game, because the other side is doing it as well. 

Sporting News - Your expert source for MLB Baseball, NFL Football, NBA Basketball, NHL Hockey, NCAA Football, NCAA Basketball...

Worst rap I ever saw... and that video actually put a "find the worst rap ever" bug in my head, which led to the search that found the Spetsnaz Rap.... which is still better than that kid.

Of course... no one on THEIR side shaved his head and got it tattooed to resemble a Chargers helmet, like our people are doing: Patriots Fan Gets Helmet Tattooed On Head - Sports News Story - WMUR Manchester

I'm still not there, yet. I like to be ready to kill when I watch a game.

MySpaceTV Videos: Sugar Bowl Pregame by TURK

Here's my favorite pre-game speaker.... Derrick Moore, who is the- no joke- official "football chaplain" for the Georgia Tech football team.

His videos are all over the internet, because he's f*cking mad. There's a better video of the chaplain walking around with a sledgehammer, but it took forever to load.

 YouTube - Georgia Tech pregame speech before Notre Dame game

If church were more like this... I'd actually go.

The best part about Chaplain Moore is that the comments section on allhis You Tube videos are filled with things like "Goddamn.. give me my helmet!" He's a master motivator.

Here's another man of God... YouTube - Bobby Knight - angry motivation speech -

 Of course... if you're gonna go with a psychopath, you may as well get football Scarface: YouTube - Al Pacino's Inspirational Speech

You have to be motivated for the Pats, because it's going tobe about 15 degrees at game time,with a howling wind out of the north.

I had some pretty cold soccer games back in the day, especially when we'd get deep in the tournament and end up playing in Worcester or something. Elle has had some cold field hockey games in her brief time upon the stage of life... and one plays field hockey in a skirt.

Either way...you may enjoy this article:

ABC News: The Cold Hard Facts of Bad-Weather Football

And of course... the piece de resistance:

YouTube - Pats Vs Oakland Snow Bowl game

It doesn't get any better than that, kids... enjoy the game.

Arrrgh

Conference Final Time.

 The last weekend of multiple football games until next summer or so.

New York takes on Green Bay,while the Chargers travel to Foxy 'Bro to do battle with the Pats. Weather in both Green Bay and Foxboro is supposed to suck....bitter cold, high wind, chance of snow (GB).

In other words...perfect football weather. Well... "perfect" as in "good to watch others playing while I sit by the fire and eat chicken."

Giants (+7) at Green Bay

Eli vs Favre. This is what would happen if Father Time hung around til Baby New Year got out of college, and they had a big fight over the TV clicker or something. Either somebody is still apunk,or someone ought to consider retirement.

Favre and his team seemed to be slumping for a few years, but they went 13-3 this season. You can call a team at 9-7 in the playoffs "lucky," but 13-3 means Bad Luck... for whoever is playing you. Green Bay has terrific cornerbacks, brutal linebackers, and big guys on both lines. They have this kid Grant who came out of nowhere to run for 200 yards last week. They also have Brett Favre.

He's the old gunslinger, playing at home in what could be his final game (although he seems to have a few good years left, obviously), and even I'd be rooting for him to stop the Evil Empire (us).

Unfortunately, he's not in control of his own destiny... Eli Manning is.

When this game is over... Eli is either going to be the toast of the town or the Town Fool. I just can't envision him losing heroically, although I can see Favre doing it.

New York has a fearsome pass rush, a power running game, a coach who may be crazy, and none of it will mean a damn if Eli chokes. A good quarterback can win games for you, and a bad one can f*ck up a wet dream. Nobody typifies this statement more than the cookie lickin' Manning Brothers.

Up until Peyton Manning beat the Pats in the playoffs last year, you couldn't get me to believe that there wasn't some sort of Manning Curse that involved choking on big games. You'd think that Peyton winning a Super Bowl would kill the curse that has haunted his family since his career-length loser father Archie threw his first game clinching interception..... but Peyton has a little brother, and the Curse was merely handed off to him.

In fact...Peyton winning the Super Bowl is part of the curse. It makes it worse for Eli and Archie...and better for people like me, who trade greatly in schadenfreude. Eli may suffer loss after big loss forthe next decade. Once you see a Curse forming up, it's just a matter of paddling your board to the right spot.

Eli's going to f**k up at some point in these playoffs...most likely quite badly. The key for a bettor like myself is predicting whether he's going to fu** up in the NFC Championship or the Super Bowl. I'm rooting for Eli, because I think the Giants are an easier matchup for the Pats. I'd also like to see Favre almost-but-not-quite get it done on his home field in his last game.

Finally... if the Pats somehow lose.... Eli vs. San Diego is interesting. San Diego drafted Eli, who then refused to play for them. The Giants emptied the vault forhim, giving up  Rivers, Merriman, Kaeding and Roman Oben. Merriman has probably been more effective as a pro than Eli and Phillip Rivers combined... so unless Eli wins the Bowl game, NY was stupid to trade for him.

Gotta choose, gotta choose....

Gabrielle? (Stacey's daughter is 1-0 in bookmaking, and beat the spread with her one attempt at prognostication). Any opinion?

Green Bay, 24-14

San Diego at New England (-14)

They hate us, and we barely got by them in the playoffs last year... which will make it all the more enjoyable when we beat their collective ass again.

The key? Guessing how much we'll beat them by. A two touchdown spread is HUGE, especially in an AFC Championship game,and extraspecially if it's gonna be like 12 degrees out and windy.... which it will be. Channel 7 is predicting that the storm that day will go to our south and spare us any snow... so look fo a couple of  inches to fall during the game (I've never forgiven them for blowing the Perfect Storm forecast).

San Diego is a California team, and we should beat them like they lost a dog fight for us. I just don't see a 2 TD marginin that weather.

New England 31-23

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By request.... Here's the "angry pirate," as explained by Patrice O'Neal.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjIuPSuYSOY ... about 4:50 in.

Touch It and Die... The Jessica Simpson Curse

Much was made last week- some of it in this very column- of the effect dating Jessica Simpson had on Dallas QB Tony Romo.

For those of you not in the know, Romo is the Dallas Cowboys QB. Simpson is a beautiful singer/actress. Texas is football crazy, and something that is applauded up here in Massachusetts (like Tom Brady going through starlet after starlet, like a red carpet) is viewed as detrimental to one's game down in the Lone Star state.

With Dallas in the midst of a hard-fought playoff hunt, Romo began to be seen in public with the pop tart, Simpson. She even watched one game -a loss- from the owner's box, while wearing one of those pink Cowboys replica jerseys with Romo's number (uniform, not phone...see pic above) on it. Dallas lost the game, a scapegoat was needed, and Jessica Simpson took the kick deep in her own end zone.

Dallas fans began calling her "Yoko Romo," in reference to the woman who supposedly "ruined" the Beatles by dating John Lennon. It became a topic of national debate. Terrell Owens wept while discussing it.

Jessica, bowing to public pressure in her home state, stopped attending Cowboys games... but instead took Romo on vacation to Mexico when he should have been concentrating on the New York (football) Giants. Romo promptly gagged on the biggest game of his life, throwing the game-sealing interception in the end zone as time ran out.

But is Jessica really to blame?

In boxing,there is an old adage..."no sex before a fight." I'm told that every Petronelli swears by this theory, as did Mickey in Rocky. There are many reasons for this...some sound, some foolish.

Someone actually studied it, and sex the night before a fight actually holds physical benefits... mostly an increase in testosterone levels (even/especially after ejaculation). It may also help to relax the fighter/QB... although that gets into Psychology, and Psychology favors sending the girl home for a few weeks.

For one, there is a fairly sound logic to the hypothesis that sexual frustration leads to aggression... which comes in handy on the football field. The woman-as-distraction theory holds up, especially if you Google something like "Andre Rison, Left Eye." Trainers and managers rightly view women as being a variable beyond their control, and coaches/managers are control freaks supreme.

Muhammad Ali would abstain for 6 weeks before a fight. Soccer players say it robs one of leg strength. NBA stars claim it takes away explosive leaping power. Horses are kept from breeding until their racing careers are finished.

Check legendary manager Casey Stengel's thoughts on the matter, which seem more reasonable...

"Being with a woman never hurt no professional ball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."

I'm with Casey on the matter. But this only excuses women as a species. What about Ms. Simpson personally? Can she jinx a football team?

You can only solve that by looking into her dating history. When you do that, you suddenly believe.

The first thing you see is that Jessica kept her virginity until she was married. This, when coupled with an examination of her personal life, brings to mind the fact that- to our knowledge, anyhow- Jessica didn't wreck anyone's career prior to her deflowering. The connection between sex and the curse cannot be ignored.

It also makes her vagina seem like Albion, or even Godzilla.... sleeping, but soon to rise. Once someone tested a nuclear weapon near it, it was only a matter of time before she came out of the harbor and wrecked Tokyo.

Her virginity was taken on her wedding night by former boy-band hearththrob Nick Lachey. At first, he was able to control the power... they had a successful reality show, and even a Sonny+Cher style variety special.  They had the world on a string.

The first inkling that a Simpson Curse might be at work was when Jessica sang the National Anthem at the 2004 Indy 500. The race was shortened by rain, and an F-3 tornado hit Indianapolis that day. Of course, no connection was made ....then.

No one noticed the critical panning of her Dukes Of Hazzard film, which, to be honest, probably didn't need a jinx. Roger Ebert claims to have lost 20 pounds simply by hating it so intensely. The sequel went straight-to-video....Franchise Slain.

Then, Nick Lachey began to lose his mojo. At the height of his public exposure, he released "SoulO," which bombed commercially and critically. This was almost too much to believe- he was a TV star in the demographic his CD was aimed at, and his show and songs aired constantly on MTV. Of course, no one at the time attributed this to a vagina-driven jinx, which is probably a good thing.

The marriage fell apart in 2006, and Lachey's next CD went gold. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this loosed young Jessica onto the dating scene. She appeared in a movie with Dane Cook, and the two became linked.  He was a comic on the rise, having just hosted the highest-rated Saturday Night Live of the year.

However, he soon began to be haunted by charges of joke-stealing and plagarism. His career suffered, and he was sued. He was being constantly goofed on, with Joe Rogan, Louis C.K., SNL and others taking their turns at the pinata. Extricating himself from the relationship with Simpson, he soon saw a career rebirth which peaked when he became one of the few comics to play Madison Square Garden..

Simpson then turned her attention onto Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. The band soon lost their drummer to a mysterious neurological disorder, mid-tour. After the relationship was broken off, the band's next release became the most-downloaded ITunes song ever. Not "their  most downloaded"... but "the most downloaded." Getting away from Simpson is roughly equivalent to Superman backing sufficiently far enough away from the Kryptonite so as to be able to kick ass again. 

With time on her hands, Simpson got into philanthropy... supporting an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. During her patronage, the town went insane... former Mexican Special Forces soldiers employed by the drug cartels began openly murdering police and government officials in the street. A superstitious, heavily-Catholic country, Mexico is now viewed by theorists (well.. me) as the likely birthplace of the Simpson/Romo jinx talk that went down in nearby Texas.

Jessica then began a relationship with singer John Mayer. This is where my theory began to take a jolt, because Mayer enjoyed growing success both during and after his relationship with the pop rock. The Simpson Curse that brought down MTV idols and A-List comics didn't seem to bother John Mayer one bit.

"I wonder why..." I thought... then I got down to researching HIS past.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was being compared to Audree Hepburn at the time, has had a string of like 10 bomb movies since dating Mayer. Her post-Mayer artistic peak was "Garfield." She even got really, really fat. Heidi Klum had an out-of-wedlock baby after being linked to Mayer. Minka Kelly suffered the same fate as Hewitt- a stab at Hollywood followed by a humbling return to the small screen.

Christ! He has his own curse. During their relationship, Simpson even released a straight-to-DVD movie that is said to have grossed the producers $4,000. She was soon out of that relationship, freeing Mayer to work his own mojo, free from the vitriol of the Dallas Cowboys fan base.

Then, Simpson began to be seen with Romo. Romo had just come to stardom as the Dallas Cowboys QB. Soon, he was being seen with her in public, often holding her purse. Then, in a nationally televised game against the Eagles which saw Jessica in attendance, he had one of the worst games I've ever seen played.

Romo and Simpson then went on their little Cabo San Lucas getaway, the media seized on it, and Romo sh*t the bed in the NFC semifinals. Simpson was exposed as a jinx now...one powerful enough to alter the fate of 60 behemoths.

As an additional irony, an examination of Simpson's life with that of fellow Simpsons shows a similar pattern. OJ Simpson's career ended the year she was born, almost to the day. He murdered his wife pretty much when Jessica hit puberty. Jessica's rise to stardom even coincided with the creative decline of  The Simpsons animated series, which seemed to hit the wall about 1999 and is barely tolerable now.

Finally, I submit the personal experience of the family I work for.

Stacey won an AOL contest that sent her to Houston in 2004. She brought along her sisters and the Colonel. Her assignment was to cover the baseball All Star Game. She planned to bring the Colonel to the game, but he backed out due to fatigue (he had flown in that afternoon). Shea and Stacey went, and they had a great time.

The Colonel stayed back at the hotel, pleased to have Texas to explore without his loud, pregnant wife. His first move upon seeing the girls off was to go back inside the Hotel Derek for a steak and a bottle.

As he was walking in, there was a gang of people behind him. Being a gentleman, he held the door as the whole party entered. Right in the middle of the gang was Jessica Simpson, who had a show in Houston the following night.

Simpson actually took notice of the Colonel, who is quite a large man. "Well, aren't you a big drink of water?" she said, and she even touched his arm playfully. Then, she was off.

The Colonel went into the restaurant, had his steak, went to bed, got up, went to the airport... and then somehow got caught in a 22 hour flight from Houston to Atlanta to Boston. "I was in a 757 in Atlanta, watching a tornado at the other end of the airport," sayeth the Colonel. Stacey, who refuses to fly, almost beat him home by AMTRAK.

Coincidence? Or is there a Simpson Curse? I'll let you decide, but I wouldn't lay with Jessica Simpson for all the tea in China.

I mean, I could lose all this.... 

The Next Clown Out Of The Car...

San Diego at New England, next weekend!

That's right, folks. Peyton Manning is no longer in the dance. His Colts were the last team that had a chance to beat us, IMHO. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for us), the Colts gagged like they did a fat line yesterday.

Prepare for the Belichick/Norv Turner duel, which is essentially a martial artist fighting an infant. The winner gets the winner of Green Bay/NY Giants. I don't want to say that the real Super Bowl is happening next week in Foxy Bro... but goddamnit, look what I just did!

While rooting for Patriot domination, I'll be hoping that Stephen Cooper ( Stephen Cooper (American football) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) of Wareham has a good game.

Green Bay put the boots to Seattle, and the Giants gave Tony Romo the chance to spend January in Fiji watching Jessica Simpson fill out a bikini. Dallas pretty much got out-muscled. Eli is now the only Manning brother with a chance to win it all.

"Chance," in this case, meaning "if the Patriot's plane crashes."

They have to get by Brett Favre first, and I have to admit that part of me (most likely the part that grew up watching the Yankees kill us every year) would be rooting for BF to knock off the Beast if they met us in the Super Bowl.

Of course... a much larger part of me would be wishing that someone broke his leg and made him cry for his big, fat Momma. Eff Brett Favre.

Incidentally... Boston is the only town where Brett Favre gets his last name pronounced properly. We drop our "R" sounds, you see. It's like "carve," but with an "F" at the start. It's best pronounced by a Cajun, then a Frenchman, then a Bostonian.

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It's Extreme Sports Monday, Butch!

Volcom | Youth Against Establishment - BLOGS... Attention all surfers! Volcom.com is offering $10K for whoever produces a film of someone doing a kickflip on a surfboard.

While not impossible, you're going to be falling in and out of the water like a Shark Fondue as you try to learn.

This is 90% of one, in case you don't speak Surfer or Skater... YouTube - Surf Kickflip filmed by Bill Bryan from the tenthstreetbros

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Nutcase Running at Full Speed Attempts to Jump a Moving Car - NothingToxic.com

 I can do this, actually... although my version would involve the car striking me first, then flipping me over  the hood/roof/trunk.

This, like ski jumping, is one of those sports that I can't comprehend the entailed learning process. I would imagine that one starts off jumping off/over something smaller, then working your way up to absolute foolhardiness.

Still... there's that area between when you flip over a picket fence and when you start running full speed at a Chevy. That is where my mind blows when thinking on the matter.

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 My Dog Eats Flint, too: A Day in the Life of Bill Belichick

 11:45: Bill Belichick finds the author of this article and turns out his mother.

Bill is the evil genius, he can control the weather (expect snow for the game this weekend against the southern California team), and he's a Nantucket guy. He deserves better than this.

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http://www.ejb.com/video/16770/Slam_dunk_almost_fatal.html.... never buy a Robespierre basketball hoop.

I can dunk (off a chair) at the lower hoop at the Chandler Elementary School in Duxbury. I have no hops whatsoever.

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We write paragraphs and paragraphs in these and other blogs.... but the only entry on the AOL blog that got more than 10 comments recently was merely a picture of the Colonel's $23 Starburys.

Starburys

Impressive literature, no?

Either somebody linked to that article, or the Internet is beyond my comprehension... or both.

I walk the B-Lock with the G-lock C-ocked

   Quite a few people are shocked when they learn that I occasionally wager thousands of dollars on sporting events, and even more so when the conversation reveals that I also produce one (1) sports betting column per week.

Most of these people tend to be my teachers, principals,and guidance counselors at Duxbury High School... precisely the mice-not-men types that you shouldn't really listen to, other than when they're telling you where to mail a scholarship application to or something.

The benefits from this nanny job are Legion. For one, the Colonel pays cash, once a week, off the books. He also pays Well. I have access to a bunch of luxury cars (Stacey=BMW, the Colonel=Cadillac, and the car they let me use is a Rover), a line of credit at the local shops, and pretty much the run of a gorgeous beach house. I don't get paid by Walter yet, although updating this blog falls under my babysitting duties.

I'm pretty sure that the reason my Mum- who knows Stacey from high school- sent me here is to sort of serve out an apprenticeship in case I end up as a housewife. Whatever problems Stacey may have- and she's both accident prone and as nutty as a pet coon- she runs a mean house. I think the deal here is my-working-parents-lease-their-child-to-Supermom, and, at worst, I'll be able to keep a nice husband around when I get older. 

I've learned how to take care of an expensive house. I cook elaborate meals (no one else I know has ever cooked a pheasant... I cook it about once a season here). I care for two children. Whoever I end up marrying will live in an immaculate house, and have a nice supper every night. Our children will be well looked-after. The blog will get updated frequently.

Speaking of which... my chief responsibility here is the sports betting column. We're in the playoffs now, and everybody's pretty much going balls-out. All the Clevelands and Detroits who were screwing up my Bottom Line are off for the winter now, with only the Serious Players remaining.

That both hurts and helps. You only have 4 games to choose from, so you have to bet big on each in order to keep the cash flow all impressive and ship. Therefore, you have to be decisive. I don't feel badly about betting against a Detroit every week, no matter how hot they start. A bad team will eventually revert to form, and the law of averages sort of end up keeping you in the red.

Those teams are all gone now, as the later rounds of the playoffs are generally a Sucka Free Zone. Everyone's playing for keeps now.. especially the bookies. If I hedge my bets properly, I sleep on a bed of cash... and if I lose, some hulking Sicilian comes by and breaks one of my arms.

That's high-stakes living, folks... and it teaches a young girl all sorts of lessons that she wouldn't learn working after-school at Friendly's. If my classmates want to shake their ass in a rayon skirt while hustling up a Big Beef Bacon Deluxe for a dollar tip from some table full of roofers, more power to them..... I have over/unders to ponder.

Seattle at Green Bay

 Just when does Brett Favre's coach turn back into a pumpkin? It'd be tough to root against him if he were to play a juggernaut Patriot team in the Bowl, but I don't think he gets by Dallas. He'll have enough trouble with Seattle, especially with that no-name running game.

Note that this is one of two games played in Northern climates this weekend that promise mild weather. No snow bowls, in Wisconsin or Foxboro. Damn...

Green Bay, 21-20

New York Giants at Dallas

 An upset here would get people smelling a Manning Brothers Super Bowl. It would also free Tony Romo up to bang Jessica Simpson full-time, which is what he'd rather be doing anyhow.

Unfortunately, New York played their best game against New England 2 weeks ago...and got smoked up all proper, like a fatty. This is their second most important game, and watch the ol' Manning Family Playoff Choke reassert itself.

You'd think that the Manning Family Choke would go away after Peyton won the Super Bowl, but no. Peyton merely passed it on to his younger brother Eli. Peyton having a ring makes the curse even worse for Eli.... which, of course, is part of the curse.

Dallas, 28, 17 

San Diego at Indianapolis

San Diego has looked awful too much this year to get by the Champs.

Sandy, like Jackie, has no one to throw the ball to. LT is a great runner. They have an all-pro tight end, but he can be handled easily enough. Their defense is superb... but if anybody is going to find a few holes in it, it will be Mr. Manning.

I'm sure that even God himself wants Indy/Pats II, and the Chargers are just in the way. They'll score a few times, but Indy will enter the AFC title game rolling.

Indianapolis 38- 24

Jacksonville at New England

Jackie has two (2) chances of winning this game... Slim and None.... and ol' Slim just left town, Jackie!

Here's what I see as factors in my making that statement:

- We played the same team (with Jacksonville having less injuries) in the playoffs last year, and we mashed them like Potato.

- They had that quarterback a long time before they played him. While he's better than anyone I know personally, I feel safe in saying that Belichick will undress him on a worldwide stage in his first big  game.

- At least once and maybe 5 times, Randy Moss will jump up and snatch a ball away from a gaggle of defenders with one hand.

- Style Of Offense....

A) Jackie has maybe 1.3 good wide recievers, and won't be able to throw on us.

B)  While they will be able to run on us, that doesn't do much good when you're down 2 touchdowns early.

C) If they fall behind, they won't be able to catch us.

D) We can go downfield against them in a minute if we have to. They have to run it to drive on us, and the clock may not allow that late.

- Jacksonville may not be better than Florida State University.

It must have been thrilling for them to beat Pittsburgh, and that feeling will last with them over the whole offseason after we whip them like they were slow to harvest our sugarcane. Bet New England with both fists.

New England 31-13

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I'm 3-1 this offseason, looking to go 7-1.

Boston Celtic Dancers and more!

 (Boston Globe photo)

By special request (for my one constant commenter from Woo-sta)... a few updates on Wareham's Cherie Blier, she of the Boston Celtics dance team...

Cherie's voice is cuter than she is, btw.. no mean feat. 

When it comes to media relations worldwide, Cherie seems to be the squad's go-to-girl.

Proof:

Video - NECN.com - Flash Player Installation...

CB does the local Phantom Gourmet spinoff. 

I haven't got the cheesecake yet, but I do plan to install Gabby and Melissa in her mother's dance school in BBay when they show an interest.

The three of us currently dance more for comedic effect, and the Colonel is actually dangerous when dancing to anything faster than "Into The Mystic." I actually turned him down for a dance at our own wedding. Huge paws on the Colonel.

Don't believe me? Here's one of his shoes:

That's a motherfrickin' Starbury, ho. This particular Starbury is actually larger than my American hometown of Duxbury.

 celticsdancersfanclub : Celtics Dancers Fan Club

I plan to join this fine Yahoo Group, under my non-porn group name....as soon as I make a non-porn group screen name. It's not the most active group I ever saw- I've seen groups dedicated to Foot Fetishism that have 500 times as many members... but it looks high quality. Join up and vote for Cheri in the polls!

YouTube - Boston Celtics Dancers on Soccer AM

Here's the CB on British TV...an amazing video. I'm amazed that the Brits held off the Nazis.

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Stick around til 1:30 to see UMass' own Julius Erving drive thru 5 dudes and throw one down in former Celtic Bill Walton's stupid ugly lumberjack face. Superb announcers, too.  YouTube - Dr. J 1977 NBA Finals the most explosive player of all time

YouTube - NBA 1974 Boston Celtics Bradlees Commercials... Havlicek, Cowens, and Nelson... are there still Bradlees anywhere?

YouTube - THE LEGEND - Bob Cousy MIX by MISIEK... could play today, no doubt. Lovely set shot. Bob Cousy is also a great announcer... my 4th favorite, after Johnny Most, Tommy Heinsohn and Cedric Maxwell. As someone who also tries to hide a French accent, I love Bob Cousy's voice. If you ever meet him or I in person, try to make us say "Rory Sparrow."