Cape Cod Sports Desk

U Can't Touch My Riches

You can find football picks all over the Internet. Log on to ESPN or something... you'll see picks made by Hall Of Fame players and coaches, lifetime analysts, and gambling enthusiasts. These men are experts, and they possess knowledge and insight that this column- no matter how intense the authors may be- will never be able to match.

In fact.... you'd be hard-pressed to find a sports betting columnist less-qualified than a teenage girl.... especially if she just picked up the sport like last year. I still pick games by jersey color, by who the quarterback is dating,  by the mascot (this is how I choose if no aspect of either team impresses me), or by asking a 5 year old. I've never played the game. The person who hired me to write in her stead is actually quite crazy. If you ever wagered money based on what I said here, you're a fool.

I believe in a God far removed from Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or any of those Asian religions with all the tae kwon do.... a God who isn't above intervening in professional football games, often quite capriciously. This God occasionally works through the Mafia, for some reason. I not only think that Curses are real, I think that more than one has been at work in this playoff tournament alone.

I should add that, despite my unconventional religious beliefs, I strongly believe in Karma, the Hail Mary, jihad-like devotion to the team, David vs Goliath, Zen... and I invoke the name of the Son Of God several times per quarter, often 5 times in the same sentence. All religions get along in my mind just fine when someone's lining up a field goal attempt.

 God rewards those who figure out his true nature, like I have. He is pleased when you invoke his name during late game drives. He gives insight to his disciples, and rewards them with big payoffs from the bookie.

That's why I'm going with my gut and taking the Patriots with that ungodly 12 point spread.

Here's why:

- We already beat them once. Sure, it was close...but we took their best shot and still whupped 'em.

- The Patriots always prepare well, and they've had 2 weeks to get ready for the G Unit.

- The Giants have a Manning at QB. The Mannings lose to the point where, if I had an actual totem to focus on, I'd think a Jinx were in place. I believe that Peyton won his Super Bowl to pass the jinx onto Eli, and the greater purpose of the jinx is to harm Archie.

- Besides being a Manning, Eli is a young quarterback.... and Belichick mind-rapes young QBs in big games. He'll own Eli for three years, even if he never sees him again..... which, with making the playoffs bearing such a strong factor in them meeting again, may just be the case. Belly will be laying out the How To Beat Eli manual for all to see.

You don't f*** with B Double... B Double does the f****ng.

- This season, the Patriots beat the previous season's Super Bowl champ, then team who won before them, the best team west of Texas (twice), the best regular season team in the NFC, the previous team we played in the Super Bowl, the team who won the Super Bowl the year before we started winning it.... and we went 18-0 and broke just about every passing record.

- I've considered giving the Giants 35 points in one betting scenario I was involved in. I passed on a 80 point over/under, but just barely. I did put $100 on Eli not finishing the game (10:1)... so if you see him get injured, know that I just made a thousand dollars and that I'm laughing as he writhes on the field.

- The G Unit's coach is a known eccentric. The guy who knocked up his daughter? Tom Coughlin drafted him, just to keep an eye on him. Tom has also fined players thousands of dollars for only being 5 minutes early to a team meeting. Our coach just cheats a bit, and has a lucky Hoody.

- Eli's girl wishes that she were with Tom Brady, and both of them know it.

- This looks like one of those old 1980s Super Bowls, where a Team For The Ages stomps all over whatever footnote the other conference proffered.

So... with all that in mind... and with a 12 point spread.... and lots of money on the table.... how will this column be betting?

It's a blowout. I see a nervous first quarter being followed by a deep bomb orgy that repeatedly violates the G Unit secondary for touchdown after touchdown. The G's will get a late second quarter score that cuts the gap to 3 touchdowns, but we come out for the second half and push the score past 40.

Eff the Giants. This is simply someone else's year.

New England, 41-24