The Blogfather

It's hopeless to try not to laugh in the presence of two kittens

The Happy-Sad Highly Improbable Tail Tale of a Little Girl and her Smelly Kitten

Marina and her brother Will really wanted a pet. I mean they REALLY wanted a pet.

But their dad and mom said,

"No. Dogs are smelly, and you'll both will forget to feed it,
   and the poor thing with shrivel up, turn into a dust ball and die."

Marina and Will had always been told to obey their parents, and of course they did.

They went to the Animal Rescue League and only looked at the cats.

It took them quite a long time.

The animal shelter had four thousand, eight hundred and twenty-seven cats.

But the shelter only had two kittens.

They were named Koko and Simba.

Koko was a gray and white, short haired Oriental with a wedge head and huge ears, and her brother kitten was named Simba.

He was yellow and white.

The days are numbered for Koko

But Koko the kitten was about to be "put down".

You know, done away with, eradicated, erased, executed, exterminated, ejected to kitty heaven, finished off, immolated, liquidated, obliterated, offed, polished off, put away, rubbed out, slaughtered, slain, snuffed, wasted, wiped out, zapped because no one wanted to take her home with them.

The people didn't take her be because they all said she smelled bad.

Not just bad - REALLY bad.

They called Koko a Poo-Poo-Pussy.

In a word, she stank.

Koko had an unpleasant aroma, a base bouquet, an icky emanation, an unpleasant essence, foul fragrance, retched redolence, snarky scent, stink... the kitten smelled to high heaven because the kitten FARTED.

Simba, on the other paw, was quite normal - like any boy, a little dim but lots of fun.

Marina and Will told the animal shelter that their parents were olfactory deprived (i.e. they couldn't smell anything), and they had sent them to select a pet.

Marina ddn't think that was lie, exactly. Her parents hadn't said not to get a kitten, and it was really only a "white lie", or at least a "gray and white" lie.

Home is where the fart is

They came home with Koko the Poo Poo Pussy and her brother Simba.

The first thing their father did was make them both sit in the corner for seven years with only bread and water.

After fifteen minutes, however, their mother needed someone to take out the garbage, so they were both put on parole.

Her mother thought it was the garbage which was making the house smell so bad.

It wasn't the garbage.

It was Koko the Farting Cat.

Because when the garbage pail was empty, the whole house still smelled.

Marina's daddy said, "that kitten stinks."

But Marina said it was her brother Will who smelled, not little Koko.

She called him Will the Farting Brother.

That's when Will became the hero of the 'hood.

Brother Will loved the little kitten so much that he immediately ate fourteen cans of B & M Baked Beans and trained himself to fart every time Koko cut a juicy one.

So life went on with the parents clipping clothe pins on their noses to avoid the smell.

After all, a kitten they could get rid of, but not their son Will who by all reports was the best boy this side of the Bass River.

The local town Board of Bad Smells however got involved.

Neighbors began to complain of the smell emanating from Marina and Will's house.

The board placed an article in the warrant for the next Town Meeting which required Marina and Will to place warning signs on the street 100 yards either side of their home.

And now for the best of the story

Life went on until finally, after 45 years, a cure was discovered for farting cats, and Will could finally stop eating beans every hour.

But the medicine made Koko sick to her stomach.

Every time she had a  dose of the anti-farting medicine, she would throw up. She would barf, be nauseous, be sick, blow grits, blow lunch, disgorge, gag, heave, pray to the porcelain god, puke, regurgitate, retch, spew, spit up, toss one's cookies, upchuck, urp, vomit.

But Marina's daddy said the puke smelled a lot better than the farts, and Koko lived happily ever after watching birds she would like to taste from Marina's window.

The morale of the story: In the immortal words of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.,
"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."