"We have to destroy Nantucket Sound in order to save it"

The Town of Barnstable falls through Alice's Looking Glass

The map the town used indicated what their plans for Horseshoe Shoal are.

By Jack Coleman

H YANNIS – Town officials want to replenish local beaches by dredging thousands of tons of sand from a shoal where a developer wants to build an offshore wind farm - the same locale that wind farm opponents have long described as a “pristine jewel� and “national treasure.�

In a Jan. 28 letter to the federal Offshore Minerals Management agency, first reported two weeks later in the local daily newspaper, Barnstable officials requested a “non-competitive� agreement to “renourish more than 12 miles of south-facing beaches� with 400,000 cubic yards of sand from Horseshoe Shoal in Nantucket Sound.

The shoals are between 6 and 10 miles off shore from Barnstable's beaches, and the cost of such a scheme would be ruinous to town taxpayers.

But the boondoggle itself is such a transparent attempt to stop the wind farm that it almost takes your breath away.

Town pols attack the symptom rather than the disease

Cape Wind Associates wants to build 130 wind turbines across 24 square miles of the shoal, which would provide nearly three-quarters of the electricity used on the Cape and islands while producing no greenhouse gases or pollutants.

The proposal set off a frenzied, irrational reaction among a hard-core cadre of Cape Nimbyites who have resorted to apocalyptic, deceptive and histrionic claims about the project.

Curiously, town officials did not suggest using Horseshoe Shoal to replenish local beaches until just two months after the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers released a draft report showing negligible environmental impacts from the project.

“Might be considered offensive to some, seeing that these are the same waters Where Jack And Bobby Went Sailing.�

The report also said the wind farm would have a positive effect on air quality in the region by offsetting electricity produced by fossil fuel-burning plants, whose emissions prove deadly to thousands of people across the country every year, especially children with asthma and the elderly.

Sadly, the report did point out a visible impact to areas such as the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport, which “might be considered offensive to some, seeing that these are the same waters Where Jack And Bobby Went Sailing.�

The Jan. 28 letter from Barnstable officials cited “rising sea level� as the culprit for the “rapidly eroding� beaches in the town. Ironically, rising sea level due to climate change is foremost among the reasons Cape Wind wants to build the wind farm, along with reducing our need for Middle East oil which the U.S. buys with a junkie’s abandon, thereby helping funnel money to Islamic fanatics who consider it a holy rite to fly planes into skyscrapers.

Publicly, Barnstable officials deny any connection between their request to dredge Horseshoe Shoal and the Cape Wind plan. But privately, several say the proposal would never have been made if the wind farm were not on the horizon, so to speak. “We have to destroy Nantucket Sound in order to save it,â€� said one official as he scanned Horseshoe Shoal with binoculars to find Cape Wind’s test data tower, which Alliance members have compared to the Empire State building.

The official requested anonymity for fear of losing his berth at the Hyannis Marina and being tarred and feathered by the hypercaffeinated members of the Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound.

Barnstable's true Theater of the Absurd

A true Theater of the Absurd moment will come at the next Barnstable town council meeting on Feb. 21, when councilors will vote on requesting Gov. Mitt Romney and Attorney General Thomas Reilly to take “vigorous steps� to prevent the Cape Wind turbines from getting built. The specific wording of the resolve that councilors will consider calls for prohibitions on “building any structure on the seabed or under the subsoil, the construction or operation of offshore or floating electric generation stations, the drilling or removal of any sand, gravel or other minerals …�

The council’s vote could put the town in the odd position of preventing the federal government from agreeing with town's request to renourish Barnstable’s beaches with sand from Horseshoe Shoal.

Given this potential conflict, town councilors are said to be considering spending tens of thousands of dollars to hire legal consultants to look into the matter.

Public taxes to pay for trophy home beaches

The dredging, if approved, would cost several million dollars while perennial budget shortfalls could lead to another round of layoffs for local teachers. The Jan. 28 letter stated that “no federal funding is anticipated� to dredge Horseshoe Shoal.

The map that accompanied the town’s request showed the southern coast of Cape Cod, with the town of Barnstable’s boundaries with Mashpee to the west and Yarmouth to the east clearly marked. Between the two markings, the words “Barnstable Beaches� were written in bold print.

Oddly, many environmentalists have been strangely silent about the town’s proposal.

The letter referred to “more than 12 miles of south-facing beaches,� but less than a mile of that is open to the public, at Kalmus and Craigville beaches and the smaller Dowes and Loop beaches.

Oddly, many self-professed environmentalists who have wrung their hands for years and alleged catastrophic impacts to fish stocks and shellfish if the Cape Wind turbines are built have been strangely silent about the town’s proposal.

After talking strategy with professional flack Ernst “Boyoâ€� Incorrigan, Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound member Elvira Erstwhile Enviro said that “ultimately, the environmental impacts of the dredging are not what’s important.â€�

“No, what’s far more important to the shadowy crowd funding the Alliance is that they get what they paid for, which is not having to look at these eyesores from their McMansions on those days clear enough for them to be seen.�

“I just couldn’t live with myself if that were to happen,� Enviro said, her voice breaking.

Rumor has it that local Strip Miner of note will head project

Word around Barnstable Town Hall is that a contractor for the “non-competitive� project has already been chosen, should federal officials go along for the ride and approve the request.

Maybe the town can get Horseshoe Shoals to look like this Phelps-Dodge strip mine in Silver City NM

The rumored contractor is none other than Alliance CEO “Dirty Doug� Yearling, who would bring years of experience from his stint with Phelps Dodge Corp., an international mining company with an infamous track record for befouling air and water in the Southwest.

“Just the thought of strip-mining a pristine jewel of a national treasure has me salivating,� Yearling chortled at a meeting of the Cape Cod Chamber of Commerce. Chamber members remain steadfast in their opposition to the Cape Wind project as “a transparent ploy to make a lot of money, which is usually all we want in a proposal, but not if it might interfere with the Figawi race.�

Alliance's Boy Scouts vs. Jihadists

The town’s proposal has led to a split in the Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound, between those few members actually concerned about potential impacts from the Cape Wind project – known within the Alliance as “the Boy Scouts� - and their far more numerous counterparts – “the jihadists� - who can’t stomach the thought of waterfront millionaires recoiling at the sight of distant wind turbines while sipping mimosas on their verandas.

“Of all the sand bars near all the coastal towns in all the world, they had to pick mine�

At least one summer resident of Nantucket is devastated by the town’s proposal - Senator John “I was for the proposal before I sat on the fence� Kerry, who has windsurfed across Horseshoe Shoal many times, at least according to his campaign biography.

Kerry, who awaits the final environmental impact report on the Cape Wind project before publicly announcing whether he supports it, has privately told friends that he hopes the wind farm is built, to help him better navigate the Sound during future windsurfing jaunts.

Kerry was seen easing his sorrow at Rick’s Café Nantucket, a Brant Point gin mill, while Sean Coombs’ hip-hop version of “As Time Goes By� played on the jukebox. “Of all the sand bars near all the coastal towns in all the world, they had to pick mine,� Kerry lamented.

EDITOR's NOTE: While this "Opinion Piece" by our correspondent is his effort to satire town government, it was ironic in the least to read the Boston Globe story today which also described this Town of Barnstable ploy to interfer with the wind farm project. It may be a case wherein fact surpasses fiction.