Humor: New Slogans for Cape Towns

"You gotta live somewhere" - Suggested new slogan for Buzzards Bay

We hesitate to inflict a photo of Dan upon an unsuspecting public, so instead we offer you a photo of his handsome, hirsute father, Al Yonce, who is a retired attorney in Orleans. Dan may actually look this good in twenty years if he eats his vegetables and gives up modern dance. Photo©capecodtoday.com

By Walter Brooks & Dan Yonce, djyo@the-spa.com 

A few days ago we made the mistake of stopping in at the Orleans Post Office to visit old friends, including Dan Yonce.

Dan runs Dick's Coffee Bar there. Despite his efforts to seem a simple lad of little note, he really has a wonderful mind when he decides to use it.

He can also be very, very funny.

We had once lampooned our state motto to Dan suggesting it be:  

• "Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (in some Tax Brackets)"

Dan thought that mildly amusing, and urged me to do a column suggesting new slogans for each of  the cape's towns. Since I have lived this long by controlling such urges in addition to being a craven coward, I said I would only write it if he helped.

He did. In fact, I hate to admit it but 51% of the new town slogans are his so please vent most your anger at him and not me.

Please let us know your reactions, good or bad, by posting a comment at the bottom of this column and suggesting alternative slogans for your cape town or others.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

Suggested (new) Cape Cod town slogans

• P'town- "where the women are strong and the men are pretty"
• Truro- "Body? What body?", or "Cotton lollipop, anyone?" 
• Wellfleet- "Father-brother, sister-mother, we are family!", or "Where shrinks buy their art" 
• Eastham- "Beach? what beach?", "Home of the closed National Seashore" 
• Orleans- "We close at nine", or "Where Routes 6, 6-A & 28 come together & regret the decision" 
• Brewster- "We close at six"
• Chatham- "Money = status", or "Seafood and old money"  
• Harwich- "Some have, MOST don't", or "Override this!"
• Dennis- "Scargo Tower & Cape Playhouse, that's all.", or "Winner of the funniest 'entering' town sign"
• Yarmouth- "Amusing", or "Where everyday is a costumed walking tour"
• Barnstable- "We have room for Home Depot AND B-J's", or  "Add Wal-mart we'd have a trifecta!" 
• Hyannis- "Instead of a day at the beach...a day in the car"
• Sandwich- "Love it ot eat it", or "Gateway to pollution"
• Mashpee- "Say YES to Casino!", or "What's this ' WE' shit, paleface?"
• Falmouth- "Closet Bostonians", or "Nerds and ferries"
• Bourne- "The forgotten town", or "The fly-over will make us famous"
• Wareham- "Really, what's the point?", or "Like Buzzards Bay but without the glitter"  
• Plymouth- "The Indians were pissed off here first", or "Shut up! the rock IS cool"  
• Martha's Vineyard- "We make 'old money' relevant", or "Shut up & deal" 
• Nantucket- "Only big 'new money' need apply", or "If only it was really like it was on Wings"
• Maynard: "Winner of the second-funniest 'entering' town sign"

Add your additions, suggestions or comments below, or email to Dan at djyo@the-spa.com.